New to board

[christi13]

Hello! What a great resource I have found! I am the parent of a 13 year old who has been in therapy for over a year, had one inpatient stay for suicide attempt, is a cutter, does not follow rules, recently got suspended for 2 days for smoking "vape" in her 6th period class, failing school and many other impulsive behaviors.  In short, she has been diagnosed with borderline traits. I have read Valerie Porr's book about BPD and it was like I was reading about her. At this point, I have lost all my parental pull with her; she is not motivated to do well through rewards. She basically follows her own rules. Her therapist has recommended the residential DBT program at Willow Springs in Nevada. Have any of you parents had experience with this facility? I keep hearing that early treatment for BPD is best, and I think placing her there may be the help she needs now to keep her well through high school and adulthood. Any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[woodsposse]

 

I don't have any direct information I can add to your question.  But I do want to say this.

Having recently found out about BPD - it really helps explain a lot of which was going on in my house with my kids.  I won't bore you with the background and the stories (your quick explination pretty much sums up my experiences as well).  And I have been running it through my head that I wish I would have known then what I know now (my kids are all adults and we all live in different places).

But you have that opportunity.  You are at a place in your childs life where you can know now what you now.

If I were in your spot years ago with the information I have in front of me now, I would do anything and everything I could for my childs welfare for their present and future.  I would change/modify/update/adjust anything in me I needed to better support my family.  That was my job and my life.

You are going to do what you think is best... . and I know it is difficult.  But I'm positive, whatever you decide, as long as you decide to do it for love and concern for your child, you are  doing the right thing.

[christi13]

Thanks for the encouraging response! It must have been hard to deal with this type of behavior when your kids were younger. Especially because we just didn't have the information that we have today. I feel so feel lucky to have that piece.

[woodsposse]

It was.  It got increasingly more difficult.  Of course, I still got the brunt of the blame that it was something I was doing wrong.  I understand it better now - and can try and deal with what I can now that they are growed and out the house.  But I know I did the very best I could for them.  I more than fulfilled my role and responsibioity as their father.

And... . in the end... . that is all we can really do.

You are not alone.  Remember that.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, christi13, and I'd like to join woods posse in welcoming you to the Parenting a Child Board 

It's very true that you are so lucky that you are learning about your daughter's troubles early, and in time to make a very big difference in her life, and the life of your family. That is so great!

Have you had the chance to check out this link: RTC, IOP Treatment Center Member Archive yet? I'm not sure if the particular place you are looking at is included in there, but the information in the threads is very helpful and encouraging. If a parent on this Board has knowledge of Willow Springs in NV, I'm very sure they will come on into this thread and help you 

I'm very glad you found us, christi13, and that you are able to begin the process of helping your daughter at this time... . In my experience, time is of the essence, and at such a young age she has her whole life in front of her to learn how to deal with her disordered behaviors and work her way to wellness. Keep telling us your story and asking your questions; we're here for you... .

[jellibeans]

Dear christi13

I want to welcome you here and tell you how sorry I am you are struggling with your dd13. I have a dd16 and we have been going through so tough times for the past few years. It was about a year and a half that I found this site and the doctors first told me about borderline... . that is when it all made sense. Your dd sounds a lot like my dd and didn't want to follow rules. I know you are looking for a RTC but in the meantime I would like to know what behaviors are causing you the most stress?

My dd liked to run away from home often... . I called the police and i feel that was the best thing. Look for help from the outside if she will not respect what you say.

My dd was using drugs and skipping school... . we grounded her.

My dd had consequences for her actions... . losing phone, losing bedroom door if she was not safe. I do think there are things you can do to try and restore the peace in your family.

One thing that really help me was to stop the power struggles... . my dd is ODD and very defiant. So I no long insist she eat dinner with us. I tell her what we are having and what time and if she joins us fine ... . if not she makes her own.

I no long tell my dd what time to go to bed... . if she is tired in the morning because she was up all night then tough... . she still goes to school.

If she skips classes she is grounded and loses use of her car... . we do expect her to go to school although we have no control over whether she will do any work while there.

These are just a few examples of what can be done... . what are you facing?

[christi13]

Hi jellibeans,

It sounds like you are going through tough times with your 16yo.  I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. Thank you for sharing some of the things that have helped you and yours.

My 13yo has been suspended from school for smoking vape in the classroom. She no longer has a 6th period class, because none of the elective teachers will have her in their classroom. She is failing school, despite being very bright. She has skipped school and has been late multiple times because she doesn't feel like going. At home she flips back and forth from demonizing to idealizing me multiple times in a day. She refuses to earn her privileges by doing chores, homework etc, and then blames me for restricting her all the time. She has suicidal ideation, has taken pills and cuts.

I guess these are the most worrisome things. I don't engage in power struggles with her. I take a lot of abuse from her, and just tell her "we do not talk to loved ones like that" when she does. I have lost all of my parental pull and she does not have any interest in participating in the family.

Her doctor says it is time for residential. I have to say, that after reading the stories on this board, I think it is the right thing to do. I can see how far her behavior has escalated in one year, despite weekly therapy and an inpatient stay. Scary.

[jellibeans]

Dear Christ13

Things have improved greatly with my dd16 over the past year... . she has less meltdowns and is in school (and passing)... has not Si in  3 1/2 months... . but she was very much where your dd is right now. I just wanted to suggest some boundaries for her and some communication tools to reduce the verbal abuse and conflict.

I think in the meantime you can benefit from some of those tools...


Residential Treatment Program (RTP) or Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)?

Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

[christi13]

Thanks so much, jellibeans! This is a crazy, difficult, sanity-testing journey we are all on. It's so great to know that we are not alone, and that others can help us get through these tough times. I am going to go through the links you posted; looks like very good information.  Thanks for the support!