Well, it all was a terrible battle to fight although I knew about BPD several years and was able to “canalise” her behaviour in a way.
Not even in my native language (Dutch) I found words to describe this terrible pain and suffering. I had to go on, put on a mask for my son (the first yr. also for my daughter) and acted strong. But oh oh, I cried, couldn’t sleep, but had to go to work, couldn’t concentrate, etc. Besides all the hassle of the legal procedure of the divorce.
In retrospect, it confirmed my self-confidence that I am and always was in a way strong, with firm believes, responsibilities, in search of possibilities. I believed so strong in my marriage vow and my family/kids.
That said, in fact I feel d*mn*d proud for my part in the r/s for being together more than 30yrs. (as I told her the more I invested, the more she began to sabotage it the last ca. 7 yrs).
(Don’t understand me wrong, I certainly had my part it the debacle! My responses were wrong, triggering even more before I was aware and learned to use techniques!)
I allow myself to say: she couldn’t break my spirit (almost succeeded!), she however took all my dreams.
(According to my T , I just have normal average NPD traits as people have
).
The fact that she had to announce she met someone, didn’t touched me as I thought it would (I tried to imagine that day and “processed” several what/if’s upfront). I learned so much form my local Group and this Board (started as a reader in 2007) that I was able to “observe” it form a distance and “just analysed” it (as immature behaviour).
Possibilities are:
If an ex really moved on, there is no point to invest time to announce it.
She is really happy, as she is in her honeymoon period (how it evolves; those 2 fases left…)
She feels miserable, is mourning and want me to feel her pain, the sole purpose to project that pain
As being split black, and she a HF BPD, she does it as an act of revenge (look what you lost, how attractive I am)
As my words still have great impact to her (I notice because of matters related to my son) she feels the need to show me how happy she is, but basically still hiding in shame and her rollercoaster of feelings.
I have several feelings.
One part feels empathy for her as being in fact a wonderful woman with whom I was so close for a lifetime, part of my hart won’t forget that.
I also do hold her responsible for refusing to see a psychologist (on doctors orders) as she was in a way very aware of her behaviour. See persisted not to do it, not even for her interest and of the family and went back to denial… Now, well it’s all up to her.
The “dark part” of me feels a kind of victory and sarcasm. I guess it’s related to her “dark part”. Once she came with a few boxes, after more than 30yrs. she left again with a few boxes. She felt “so much pity” for me as I could never coop with all… Now look who is the one to have “pity” for.
About a month ago, I had a major set back, feeling terrible again! Back to unbelief and anger.
I will never have my family again, my most precious asset is gone.
So, I went to see my T after more than a yr. again and discussed it, as we discussed it several times before.
Basically I hold her responsible for ruining my family.
That perception is directly linked with the loss of my family, the consequences for the kids. That will be my burden as I can’t let that go, can’t give that a place. My brains are just not wired to do so.
