BPD Daughter and Internet

[ABelle]

I am new to the world of BPD and have lots of questions.  One facing us currently is internet usage.  My 16 year old daughter (diagnosed with BPD) is currently banned by us from using the internet.  This is because she uses it inappropriately.  In the past, she has connected with girls whom she then gave her cell number and address to.  I believe these girls may have similar issues to my daughter (she says they are the only people who understand her), but I don't know that for sure.  Either way, I don't want her to give out her personal info to strangers!  Anyways, the last two times she made suicidal threats, they were to these "friends" who do not know how to contact me, so they called 911 both times and we had the police showing up at our door to take her to the hospital.  Her therapist at the last hospital also thinks she connects with people who normalize her behaviors (like cutting).  After getting out of the hospital, she was given her phone back, but I am closely monitoring her texts and all of her friends have been told to contact me right away with concerns.  The internet is still an issue.  She does not have a smart phone (she has a benchmark for earning one with grades that she still has not met - as unfair as she thinks that is), but I cannot just tell her she can never use the internet again and leave it at that.  I want her to learn to use it responsibly!  I would love for her to connect with her friends that she has in real life online in an appropriate way.  Any suggestions or similar experiences?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear abelle

This is an ongoing problem for our family. Because my dd16 is so impulsive she will post things when angry or without thinking... . we have put some restrictions on her... . she is on twitter only and I am her friend and can see her posts... . if she posts something inappropriate I tell her to take it down or she loses the phone.

My dd16 in the past has had overdoses and it has usually cooresponded when she has a new friend and is wanting to keep this friend or look for attention from this person... . I have had her friends call me in the middle of the night to tell me my dd has taken pills. I am grateful for the call but at the same time I do feel like she has orchestrated the whole thing for attention.

If you can all prevent her from getting a smart phone I would do it... . when my daughter got her smart phone she really seemed to abuse that priviledge and taking the phone away became a live or death problem for her because her phone is everything to her.

Where is your dd meeting these people? I do think you can restrict her computer use and block certain websites etc... or you can follow them on with ever site they are on.

I would not be upset that the police showed up to take her unless there was an ambulance ... . those rides are too expensive and are not needed if my dd can walk etc... . I am not sure I understand what you are annoyed with? Can you ask her not to post private information online? I don't know if I would ban her from making friends with these people... . I think it is good she has someone to talk to etc... . I think it is very hard for these kids to find friends and keep them. My dd cycles through friends every few months and it is painful to watch.

Your dd will never learn how to be responsible with the internat if not given a chance to use it... . she is going to make mistakes and have consequences for them but she will get better with the usage... .

Is she seeing a T? Is she in any group therapy?

[lever.]

This is something I am familiar with.

I think rather than being annoyed you are concerned that your daughter and the girls she is talking to on the internet are a negative influence on one another.

This can't be completely avoided these days.

I think I would try to talk to her when things are calm and validate her feeiling that these are the only people who understand her but also be open about your concerns. I would explain that you need to monitor her internet use at the moment for reasons of her safety but that you hope that when she is feeling better and can keep herself safe you would like to relax this.

I would try to avoid too much of a power struggle over it. As long as her safety isn't been compromised she may find relief in talking to others as we do on here

[mama72]

I feel your pain, ABelle!

We have had numerous fights over internet use. My daughter has a Twitter and Tumblr account. We deleted her Tumblr account in January and she just opened another one (not sure if she knows we can have seen it yet).

There is nothing but trash on Tumblr and most of the sites teens are drawn to.  The depression, suicide, self-harm, porn, drug triggers on there are everywhere. Even glorified.  I believe this site has encouraged some very bad behavior in my daughter. This site is poison to her clouded sense of self and impulse control.

What we have done is change our wifi password and have not given it to her. Now, I know she can still get on the internet, but it will eat up all of her data and she has to deal with that consequence with her dad. I see that she still gets on at school, at her dad's and friends house. My DH and I are not willingly going to provide a service for her to look up that trash. We have given her multiple chances to be responsible with her internet use and she has failed, and quite honestly, with your daughter at 16 (same age as my DD), they know what parents would not want them viewing.  My T said we are to provide food, clothes, shelter, medical attention and an education to our daughter. Nothing more. She still gets on the internet at school, her dad's and friends houses, but not here.

It is a full time job dealing with a child with BPD and another full time job monitoring internet use for that child. I do not take my DD phone away from her anymore, that is a MAJOR trigger (that darn phone is like a limb for her) and a battle I have decided not to fight. She can keep the phone, but will not get the wifi for it from us!

If I can give you some advice, the same advice I give my friends with teens, hold off on the smart phone as long as you can. If you are having troubles now, just think what it will be when she gets the phone! If you think her having a phone and keeping it will be a good bargaining tool or taking it effective punishment, I will say, I thought the same thing, and have been proven wrong. Are you prepared for more fights, more chaos? You are not keeping her from the internet, I am assuming she can still use home computer?

These are my opinions, and I hope they come across respectful. I am sharing what has worked and not worked for us.

Good luck!

[Being Mindful]

Believe it or not. We did not have internet at all in our home during years of 13-19. She could not handle the responsibility, constantly made herself vulnerable there and put us at risk with her connections that she made online. In addition, it was too hard to police it and only led to problems. In her IEP and 504, this was an accommodation that teachers could not require her to use the internet for turning in work. If there was a project in which research was required, we took her to use the library which has restrictions or she used my laptop with me sitting with her. Made things much easier and after all, the internet is a privilege and she was constantly abusing it, thus no computer/no internet.

[ABelle]

Wow!  It is amazing to hear from other parents who have experienced the same problems.  Some thoughts to the responses:

It does not seem that she will get a smart phone any time soon.  She must have all C's or better (I know that doesn't sound like much, but she is at all F's right now) to get a smart phone, and I'm NOT wavering on that, despite it being her biggest angry trigger toward me these days.  In fact, I basically hold my breath and try not to respond every time she brings it up knowing that within five minutes she will be yelling at me or completely shutting down because she thinks it is so unfair.

jellibeans:  I think you did pick up on my annoyance over the police visits.  I know it sounds crazy, but I do find it frustrating that she reaches out to people who really do not know her rather than to real life friends or family.  It is especially frustrating when she is using these threats to get something (at least in part) - one time it was because one of these girls had become a romantic friend who broke up with her.  So we are never sure if she was in danger in the first place, but once she gets started down that road, she goes full speed ahead.  They show up and she is ready to go, happily, to the hospital.  Anyways, I would like to cut out the police at the door (one time she was actually sitting with me shopping online when they showed up!).  I am hoping that next time a friend will just call me so I can drive her myself.  Also, I really agree that she needs to learn to use it correctly and needs to have space to do that.  Otherwise, when she moves out, she will get sucked in completely. 

As for what she is using, her favorite sites are Twitter (she used to post suicidal stuff there a lot but seems to have stopped) and Tumblr.  We have always made her use the internet in a public place (living room), and it looks like she is usually looking at 1D pictures and Supernatural stuff - "fandom" pictures and gossip. That is the main reason she wants to use it.  I have never caught her looking at cutting pictures or the like, but I assume that has taken place.  The most disturbing is the fan porn she reads and writes.  It's a bizarre trend.  And yes,  lever, I am very worried that she and the friends are bad influences as far as self-destructive behavior goes.  I am also concerned that some of these people may be unsuspecting teens who are lonely who get sucked into her crazy world!  But my number one concern is that she will eventually connect with someone who turns out not to be a teen who preys on her.  I think she would easily get sucked into a pedophile's web.

In a perfect world, I would just eliminate it altogether, but it exists and I can't ignore it.  Since she currently does not have access (at least at home), I want to think very carefully before I let her back on under my roof.  I know it is so much harder to take away something a kid already has. I was thinking of working up some kind of contract with our family therapist to implement with her help.   We definitely have a power struggle right now, and I'd like to get off the train!  And I agree - she is totally a full time job (I even teach at the school where she attends, so it's a 24/7 job... . although we do not have access to Twitter or Tumblr at school).  I am not trying to make it any harder by becoming a full time internet monitor as well~!

I appreciate all of the feedback and welcome any other thoughts!

[theplotthickens]

We have had so many years and incidents of unsafe internet use, that I am not worried about teaching her the "right" way,  I am merely focused on safety.

Bottom line, it is up to YOU, the parent.  Internet use is not a human right.  It is a privilege.  If it causes more hassles, adds to stress, increases behaviors, and causes safety concerns, there is no reason to feel guilty about chucking it.

My teen has supervised access only, as our boundaries have been broken countless times, and I am unwilling to fight about it anymore or try to fix her poor choices.  We don't argue or fight about it anymore, as she knows I am done messing around with her safety. In my experience, an unhealthy, impulsive teen is better off with staying  busy and connected In Real Life than having unfettered internet access.

Entitlement mentality drives me bonkers, and seems to be widespread with today's teens!  Ugggh.