First conversation in over a year

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The divorce is going to be finalized soon and the ex agreed to talking about it. Last night was the first conversation that was face to face with her in over a year. The best way that I can describe her composure while talking to me is "prickly". I sensed that there was still discomfort by being around my presence. Out of sight, out of mind is the easier road I guess.

I needed to talk to her about about marital debt. There are some liens on her that I did not know about, and she's financially constrained (as well as I), but said "I don't feel guilty about anything that I did" " I would of done it all over again" and "I know you say that I always try to make you feel guilty Mutt, but that's not true"

I felt comfortable enough from having learned about BPD this past year that I did not take it personal, I didn't get defensive with her, and I actually validated her as to not escalate and get into an argument. I could clearly see the black and white thinking and blame shifting, but what worried me the most was the lack of feeling any guilt whatsoever. It just rolled off of her tongue, in a matter of fact kind of way.

I'm happy that I was able to apply what I learned to not take on the negative feelings, not take things personal and go on the attack like I used to. But the biggest lesson that I learned, is that I truly don't want this person back. If she had no qualms with the collateral damage, pain and suffering she caused. There's absolutely no way I want a Round 2 with this person.

[Mutt]

The divorce is going to be finalized soon and the ex agreed to talking about it. Last night was the first conversation that was face to face with her in over a year. The best way that I can describe her composure while talking to me is "prickly". I sensed that there was still discomfort by being around my presence. Out of sight, out of mind is the easier road I guess.

I needed to talk to her about about marital debt. There are some liens on her that I did not know about, and she's financially constrained (as well as I), but said "I don't feel guilty about anything that I did" " I would of done it all over again" and "I know you say that I always try to make you feel guilty Mutt, but that's not true"

I felt comfortable enough from having learned about BPD this past year that I did not take it personal, I didn't get defensive with her, and I actually validated her as to not escalate and get into an argument. I could clearly see the black and white thinking and blame shifting, but what worried me the most was the lack of feeling any guilt whatsoever. It just rolled off of her tongue, in a matter of fact kind of way.

I'm happy that I was able to apply what I learned to not take on the negative feelings, not take things personal and go on the attack like I used to. But the biggest lesson that I learned, is that I truly don't want this person back. If she had no qualms with the collateral damage, pain and suffering she caused. There's absolutely no way I want a Round 2 with this person.

[seeking balance]

I'm happy that I was able to apply what I learned to not take on the negative feelings, not take things personal and go on the attack like I used to. But the biggest lesson that I learned, is that I truly don't want this person back. If she had no qualms with the collateral damage, pain and suffering she caused. There's absolutely no way I want a Round 2 with this person.

Time with our own emotions and time really understanding BPD - it does put it all into perspective... . glad you shared.

Don't be shocked if you have a bit of a hangover effect after contact like this - it can happen, but not to the extent as before.

So, the divorce is almost over - that has to be a relief in many ways... . but it comes with some sadness too.

[Mutt]

I'm not sure if you are a Star Trek fan. I am, but if you recall in Star Trek: The Next Generation, they had a device called the Universal translator. The purpose of the device is to instantly translate any language when they were alien planets. It's like having this device, and really hearing what she is saying instead of what you think she said.

I agree SB, it is bittersweet. I'm saddened that the marriage collapsed, something that I tried so hard to keep together. I'm happy that I don't have to deal with her 24/7 like I used to. I'm saddened that she has no clue as to what is going on, but that's the nature of this disorder.

I've seen you mention radical acceptance in posts several times. I finally looked into it because of you and thank you.  Radical acceptance allowed me to not hang on this lingering pain and simply let go.

It is what it is. It was what it was.

[seeking balance]

It's like having this device, and really hearing what she is saying instead of what you think she said.

Yeah, I know what you mean.  I kinda live like this now with everyone... . almost too far to the other side and learning to find my balance with the translator now too. 

I agree SB, it is bittersweet. I'm saddened that the marriage collapsed, something that I tried so hard to keep together. I'm happy that I don't have to deal with her 24/7 like I used to. I'm saddened that she has no clue as to what is going on, but that's the nature of this disorder.

The thing is, they do ok - sometimes I think better in the short run than we if they are higher functioning.  The move on quicker, don't analyze as much - a different life.  The true definition of living in the moment at times even at the expense of everyone around. 

But no matter how you slice it, marriage ending is super sad - nobody gets married with the hope of divorce.

I've seen you mention radical acceptance in posts several times. I finally looked into it because of you and thank you.  Radical acceptance allowed me to not hang on this lingering pain and simply let go.

It is what it is. It was what it was.

One of the things I am grateful to my ex for actually.  Her T was working on her with Tara Brach, Pema Chodrin - mindfulness tools to not "self-sabotage" as my ex said.  I started reading that stuff too because it applied to me too. 

Do you have fun plans for the weekend so you can have a happy distraction? 

[Mutt]

Do you have fun plans for the weekend so you can have a happy distraction? 

Thankfully yes. I have 5 days off after today. It's Spring Break for my kids and they will be in my care on my time off. For myself, there's nothing more distracting or soothing than spending time with my kids. I'll be plenty distracted with those 3 

[seeking balance]

Do you have fun plans for the weekend so you can have a happy distraction? 

Thankfully yes. I have 5 days off after today. It's Spring Break for my kids and they will be in my care on my time off. For myself, there's nothing more distracting or soothing than spending time with my kids. I'll be plenty distracted with those 3 

Right ON

[growing_wings]

I've seen you mention radical acceptance in posts several times. I finally looked into it because of you and thank you.  Radical acceptance allowed me to not hang on this lingering pain and simply let go.

It is what it is. It was what it was.

well done Mutt! 

sometimes i think the pwBPD will stay in my head for the rest of my life... . so reading stuff like what you post is good... . you let her go... . radical acceptance...

[Mutt]

Thanks growing_wings!

It's a couple of things, but radical acceptance was something that really helped me and pushed me forward.

The thing is, they do ok - sometimes I think better in the short run than we if they are higher functioning.  The move on quicker, don't analyze as much - a different life.  The true definition of living in the moment at times even at the expense of everyone around.  

But no matter how you slice it, marriage ending is super sad - nobody gets married with the hope of divorce.

She returned to her emotional baseline immediately a year ago when she left and threw herself into another r/s. It took me over a year to reach mine, but that was through hard work and working through very difficult pain. I'm trying to break a pattern, she's simply repeating a pattern. I do believe what Skip said in another post, it depends on the partner and it can function. I'm just not that person.

I don't have the entire picture as to what is going on. She's saying she may not have a job anymore, she was going to move and she's not going to now. I sensed she was testing the waters several times with me if I was available a few weeks ago.  Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me and it's none of my business.

She lives in the moment as SB says, without seeing the ramifications of her impulsive behaviors. Very difficult thing for me to watch, while being with a person like this and analyzing the possibilities of her actions. She showed no remorse when she said she doesn't feel guilty and truly believes that I was the problem for 8 years. She put the final nail in the coffin after speaking those words. I understand her perspective and the way that she thinks, but it's really asking for it I recycled, the exact same damage will happen again. There was a small part of me that wanted her back into my life because of loneliness.

All in all, everything was done with e-mail communications over the last year. Talking in real life, with nuances, tone and body language. I did better than I thought that I could without being emotionally involved and taking it to heart. I certainly didn't feel bad when she was trying to protect her image by making herself feel white and trying to make me feel guilt. It feels good to not have to take on that emotional negativity. It is painful that the marriage is ending, but the edges are a little smoother with accepting that fact. I do feel compassion because she's sick, and I would hope that she would get help. It can't be from me and I hope that someday, fate will lead her to help. She is the mother of my children after all. But that's where radical acceptance comes in again.

[seeking balance]

I do feel compassion because she's sick, and I would hope that she would get help. It can't be from me and I hope that someday, fate will lead her to help. She is the mother of my children after all. But that's where radical acceptance comes in again.

Mutt,

It is a strong, healthy person who can equally have compassion and boundaries.

I am lucky, I don't have kids with my ex, thus I have not had the test you have had... . I honestly don't know how I would handle that situation.

It was way too painful for me to watch my ex repeat the exact same pattern - again.  At first I took it personally, then I realized, it just is not about me - there is both a relief and a deep sadness at that realization.

Thank you for sharing Mutt - you are an inspiration!