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That is good, Samuel S. My Christian T would say God defines our worth, but you are right. pwBPD define themselves by their attachments which is unhealthy. Some of us nons may have also fallen into this same trap, though not to the same extent. Mine even wrote in her journal describing herself by her attachments, or roles. I define myself by my core values.
Haha Turkish, I find myself seriously relating to you, but in a funny riposte of events, you're on SO-leaving
One of the things I realised years ago was I define myself by attachment to some extent, though I didn't see it as a problem until I got involved with a BP and saw codependency. This relationship is really teaching me to be independent, even curiously enough, given my gf's extreme attachment issues.
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"You abandoned me, it felt just like my father!"
After years of her warning me to not cheat on her. I think her father's uncovered affair (one of many over the years) was a huge trigger in her mirroring his behavior, though we never got a chance to discuss this. She did admit, in her one weekend of lucidity, of becoming like her father and hating herself for it. There is some truth to what she said.
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Some interesting things I see in my relationship:
My uBPDgf warns me and goes to extremes to act on her "warning me to not cheat on her."
Her father had an affair that only she knew about for years (not sure anymore as I'm discovering there's been a repeated, major lying issue in my relationship).
From what I understand, her father uses extreme solutions, no discussion, "my way or the high way", and used to beat his wife. All of that under the guise of "that's the man's job". In one fight, before I knew about BPD, I accused her of being exactly like her father. I realised many times before I learned about "projection" that she projected that I was exactly like my dad (who she hates because he refers to her as 'that woman' and treats her relationship with me as 'my option'. I took a shot in the dark and yes, I think she is really like her dad, and I don't want to marry that.
Has your BP gone through treatment? Given the parallels of our situations, I'm looking at the chances of my uBPDgf relapsing, should I choose to go through treatment.
Thank you for sharing. Those 6 years must have been really tough. I'm thankful you have your values. They have saved me countless times against her attacks and I expect that do the same for you.
My uBPDgf seems to be courting a fallback lover already because of a horoscope she read saying "[this month you will find someone you can have a long term relationship with]". It doesn't help that same bloody horoscope said "[you will come across life-changing realisations this month]" after I had a breakthrough conversation with her about her contribution to her past relationships failing.
I feel somewhat ready but I think I will really need to brace for impact of an affair. She broke it off with me, yet again, and she uses "we're not together" as an excuse to do whatever she wants.
It doesn't help that she gets lots of attention from men (she looks like the girl next door), gets chatted up by someone new every 2 weeks on average (her job is similar to a bartender, but meeting many people from many places, for extended periods of time), and substantially acts like she enjoys it (even though she denies it). It's just so easy for her to get attention elsewhere when I don't want, or cannot, give it. To reciprocate attention, open oneself to attention, 'do nothing' as an excuse to get attention, and deny it all is something I don't want in a wife. I haven't told her, but yes, I'm seriously reconsidering marriage. She can go "do better" with someone else if she wants to continue like this.
I can see that you're 10 years older than her. I'm 4 years older than mine. I wonder sometimes if things would be better if I worked better hours and was richer, settled, and had significantly paid off a mortgage. Seeing as you're telling me you have that 10 years ahead of her and your BP still sounds really unpleasant, thank you for sharing this as well.
In our cases, we can't count on reason and gratitude shaping our BPs, I respectfully don't think. We can count on greed, childishness, and just 'crazy' BP behaviour, regardless of circumstances. My respect to you for staying with yours for so long. That is admirable.
