Maybe there's some truth to it.

[Vatz]

Having a hard time telling where my part in this failed relationship end and where hers begin.

We spoke.

I'm thinking, what if I really am just... . I don't know... .

Although I have goals, I'm moving toward them at a snail's pace. I haven't felt like doing much lately.

She said "I don't always want to spend time inside, watching movies. I want to go out. I ask you and you make a set day and we don't do it. I don't say anything on the appointed day because I know you aren't going to do what you said you'd do."

I told her "You SHOULD remind me. It'll get done then."

Maybe I am a lazy partner. Yes she's done some bad things and put me through a lot, but... . maybe I was truly not as caring, loving, and fun to be around. I'm wondering where it started. Was I too wrapped up in my own BS and laziness that I neglected her?

Part of me thinks the whole conversation was just a way to make me feel lousy about myself but perhaps there's some truth to it. I don't take initiative on a lot of things, and I have been lazy and I often make excuses. I wasn't always like this. Why am I this sloth of a person now?

Maybe I'm the one that's crazy. I get mad about slights towards myself without even considering my part in all of it.

I don't have my life together, I'm not in college and I've lied to my folks about it because... . I don't want them disappointed in me. But sooner or later, the bubble will burst.

I only have a part time job and am just GETTING BY with bills. This... . this is wrong the way I'm living, and I'm doing it all to myself.

What do you do? What would you do? If you felt like your life, your very self was wrong and that just when you thought you were waking up from a nightmare, only to realize it was all real and it was all your own doing?

How did you bounce back? How DOES one bounce back? It looks so grim, and difficult and... . I'm scared of what's coming. I'm scared of the failure that's about come crashing down.

[Surnia]

Mh, Vatz, being scared about whats coming or a possible crash down is a very difficult place. 

I think you are on to something important here in your post. Realizing you that you don't have your life together. Could it be that you are dealing with some depression? Perhaps you may look here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

Perhaps you can think about things you want change. Not too much at once, little steps first. What would you like to change first in your life to feel better with yourself?

[Vatz]

Thank you for the response.

Actually yes, I was diagnosed with depression several months ago. It got worse when I lost a part-time job. I worked at a store, manned the counter and lottery machine. Kept the place organized. Being let go, I felt totally incompetent. I thought I was doing alright, at the very least getting the hang of things. To get fired was like saying even the most menial and simple tasks are beyond my abilities. I took the semester of college off so I could do that job, because I figured I'd hold on to it for a while, save money and take some side courses and certifications. Now I owe college fees for dropping courses, and don't have the money to pay.

Screwed myself.

Gained a ton of weight since I moved out of my folks. Now I have to lose it... . AGAIN. I once lost 40 lb when I was about 21. Now I have to lose like 70.

Anyway, right now what I really want is to lose the damn weight. Working toward it and averaging about 1lb a week. Lost about 10 lb in the last 2 months. Also find some work. Granted I'll have my seasonal job calling me within the next few weeks, we got a contract with the department of transportation. But she made me feel ashamed of my job, the one that I've kept for the last 3 years.

She really got to me. Maybe she's right. Last night after talking I felt like all my plans, ambitions and actual work in getting there was invalidated completely.

[Surnia]

This is a tough situation, Vatz.

Keep your body moving.

I would not focus too much on her - what she said about you has some truth in it, its however not the only reason for the shattered relationship. I think more important is, you feel not happy in your situation yourself right now. This is what counts.

Hang in there and keep writing.