At first she mirrored me, but in the end I mirrored her

[DB33]

Mirroring is such an odd thing. I think it is natural to some extent when entering a new relationship.

3 1/2 years ago I found my dream girl. Not only was she very young, smart and beautiful she also liked most of the things I did, she even put herself out on a limb and engaged in an activity I loved that scared her  (motorcycle riding) and then started loving it. We became inseparable. She was captivated with everything I did, everything interested her, everything I wanted she wanted.

A classic case of unhealthy mirroring.

But a shift occurred. She pulled back, everything that was important to me she ceased to enjoy or engage in. We broke up many times, she pushed and pushed, then pulled at the last second.

My ego took a beating. Halfway through I learned of BPD and a change in me occurred. I read about high rates of infidelity and the many other things that are possible with BPD. I stopped trusting her, I started watching much more closely, I snooped in her phone and her Facebook, I found things out, I became insecure, fear of abandonment set in. I rationalized my behavior.  I denied I had a problem.

It then occurred to me that I was mirroring many of the things to her that she was doing to me.

Then I took a hard look in the mirror- the real mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I stopped those activities. But my issues are still there, I am codependent. I didn't escape my screwed up childhood unscathed like I thought I did. I have work to do.

We are breaking up and though my heart says NO NO NO! My head says Please make it stop.

Getting the head and the heart in the same spot has proved a daunting task indeed. I have lost my lover, my best friend, my dreams of a happy life together has been shattered.

[seeking balance]

HI DB,

What an insightful post - looking to the right of the stages of detachment, you really are digging deep in the self inquiry, letting yourself process this stuff is really the challenge - leaning into the pain.

Then I took a hard look in the mirror- the real mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I stopped those activities. But my issues are still there, I am codependent. I didn't escape my screwed up childhood unscathed like I thought I did. I have work to do.

I had done FOO work before my relationship, but the layer and level of work after was huge.  Grieving the lost childhood and being ok with just me was big work indeed.

Do you have a T you are working with on this?

We are breaking up and though my heart says NO NO NO! My head says Please make it stop.

Getting the head and the heart in the same spot has proved a daunting task indeed. I have lost my lover, my best friend, my dreams of a happy life together has been shattered.

I am sorry you are hurting DB - this is so hard.  Once I let myself process the emotions around what was real or not - it was my dreams that took the longest to heal. 

The article that I carried around and really helped me stay grounded in reality was article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

when you start to get stuck, read this and then you can identify what needs another round of processing.

Thanks for sharing.  Hang in there 

Peace,

SB

[Undone123]

Mirroring is such an odd thing. I think it is natural to some extent when entering a new relationship.

3 1/2 years ago I found my dream girl. Not only was she very young, smart and beautiful she also liked most of the things I did, she even put herself out on a limb and engaged in an activity I loved that scared her  (motorcycle riding) and then started loving it. We became inseparable. She was captivated with everything I did, everything interested her, everything I wanted she wanted.

A classic case of unhealthy mirroring.

But a shift occurred. She pulled back, everything that was important to me she ceased to enjoy or engage in. We broke up many times, she pushed and pushed, then pulled at the last second.

My ego took a beating. Halfway through I learned of BPD and a change in me occurred. I read about high rates of infidelity and the many other things that are possible with BPD. I stopped trusting her, I started watching much more closely, I snooped in her phone and her Facebook, I found things out, I became insecure, fear of abandonment set in. I rationalized my behavior.  I denied I had a problem.

It then occurred to me that I was mirroring many of the things to her that she was doing to me.

Then I took a hard look in the mirror- the real mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I stopped those activities. But my issues are still there, I am codependent. I didn't escape my screwed up childhood unscathed like I thought I did. I have work to do.

We are breaking up and though my heart says NO NO NO! My head says Please make it stop.

Getting the head and the heart in the same spot has proved a daunting task indeed. I have lost my lover, my best friend, my dreams of a happy life together has been shattered.

Stay strong man! Feel what you gotta feel, inquire what you've got to inquire and process what you gotta process... .

I'd say I'm in the creative action part of my detachment... . I too didn't escape a dysfunctional upbringing unscathed. But am far from a victim of it... . Just aware of how it lead me to go where I went! The light is at the end of the tunnel... .

You will make it... . Keep inquiring