Want to leave, need to leave, with kids but feel stuck

[lettinggoletmego]

I don’t know where to start. I been with a BPD for 5 years and lived with him for three years after. I still live with him and I am completely done. I can’t do it no more.  He knows I am going to leave or at least that I want to. I say this because he doesn’t act like it is going to happen. Im trying to give him a heads up. He needs to get a job and a car. He needs to be able to pay rent. Because I am out of here. But he continues to act like that isn’t going to happen. It’s like the more I distance myself, the more he creats a need for me.  He needs me to help him fill out an application. He needs me go with him to interview. He is driving me up the damn wall. He doesn’t help around the house unless I complain or someone comes here, which is very rare since I live 2 and a half hours away from my family.  I really believe he helps just so I can praise and thank him. Here is the issue, I want to move back to my family, he also has family there too.   I understand it is another state and it might be an issue. Im still holding back. I don’t know what it is. I think it is fear but a combination of other stuff.  Sometimes I feel wrong for wanting to move the kids so far.  I want to move for a year. But I can’t do this alone. I also have a lot on my plate, work ,parent and last year of school and he doesn’t help. He doesn’t do anything for us. His definition of watching the kids is way different then what it should mean. I want to be around family and it would be great for my kids. My kids have no friends, Just each other. My youngest isn’t in school yet so she is just home by herself and he doesn’t do anything with her. I feel like staying here isn’t only isolating me, but it is isolating them to. I notice my oldest is having issues. She is 6 and she throws temper tantrums, she lies and steals.  I want to apply for a promotion and transfer to facility in my family’s region. They will give money for this plus my dad has a place I can rent everything included. Everything will be set to move smoothly. But I am still holding back. Im afaid he wont be able to make it and I feel bad even though he put it on himself. He makes me feel like I am not being fair about the kids, He wants me to leave them for a year. He never held a job longer than 3 months! He even suggested leaving the oldest.  He says she needs him. He acts as though we are gone forever. I dont know anymore, am I wrong, has anyone experience a difficult time leaving even though it is hell, any thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

So just some clarification... . your two kids are his too?  And not married?

A few states such as Georgia are very mother-friendly if not married.  Most states in general seem to favor mothers, but there are no guarantees.  (However some female members here will tell you the courts favor the troubled, disordered, acting-out parent!)

If you left him and moved back to your home area... . Would he try to follow you?  Would he move to where his other child is?  Would he file there in your current county trying to force you to bring the kids back for visitation?  (After you are in your home state or area and establish legal residency there for 6 months then you can file for custody and parenting schedule there.)

He makes me feel like I am not being fair about the kids, He wants me to leave them for a year. He never held a job longer than 3 months! He even suggested leaving the oldest.

Warning, Will Robinson! (Allusion to goofball SF program from the 1960's.)  You leave the children for an extended period of time and you risk no longer being considered a primary parent.  Right now if he's not working he could claim he doesn't work so he can care for the children.  Not true, but can be difficult to prove otherwise.  So don't do anything that weakens your case.

And don't leave one child behind.  Want to guess why he wants the oldest?  Possibly because she'll be in school soon and he'll have less parenting obligations?

Are you using child care?

Let us help you figure out a workable strategy so you'll be doubting yourself much less.

[ForeverDad]

I hate to ask this, but... . is there any possibility he could be behaving improperly with the children?  While your oldest may be acting out due to her own issues or because of the dysfunctional home environment, another possibility to consider is hidden abuse.

Probably it's not happening in your family, but just in case it's something to stay informed and handle well.

For the behaviors alone and less-than-optimal home environment, it would be good for your daughter to have counseling with an objective, neutral, perceptive, trained professional.

My ex's family... . My ex often described how she and her sister were separated when their mother went to visit relatives at the other end of the state, mother always claimed she only had money to take one with her and the other had to stay behind with the abusive SF. Even when mother was there, SF would nap during the day and roam the house at night claiming he couldn't sleep.  Having a night visitor messed up both girls.  He told both of them - my ex and her sister didn't know it until they compared stories years later - Let me do it or I'll do it to your sister.

My family... . A few years ago when my son was in elementary school, his therapist, after working on proper touching, asked him, "Whose private areas can you touch?"  Expecting to hear "Mine" she heard "My mother's". :'(

[lettinggoletmego]

The two kids are his, too. They are 6 and 3. 1 is in school already. I live in pA and want to mov to NJ. But I take her to the bus stop and pick her up. I work nights so I come home and stay awake and get her ready then wake up early to pick her up at the stop. i try to get him to pick her up, he does for a lil then starts waking me up to gt her. Most of the time her homework isn't done. He didn't goto her preschool graduation. She went to Headstart. which he wouldn't sign any kid in school.He doesn't do much for them I cant consciously leave them with him, i find that to be neglect. He dosn't pay any bills until recently, and it is only his phone. When I stop paying his credit cards and loan, he never picked the payments after.  When he work a few months ago , he did only part time. Saved up the money to see a women in SC. If i left kids with him, he have no money and he would not go to welfare. He can't do anything on his own. I always have to call to make appointments and etc or he wont do it. He wont even go to hospital without me, or he won't go. He is a child! He doesn't cook or clean. By the time it is my day off, I spend a day or more cleaning. It drives me crazy.

He won't follow, that is the biggest issue for him. He says "Your taking them to a place i cant go". because he has warrants there. Same with court, he has a huge issue with authority figues so he will try to avoid cops or anything related. I don't beilve he file for custory becuse he has to go near a court house where cops are.

As for abuse, I dont know, I just recently thought about it. I thought about getting a camera but I wasn't sure. he watches them every work day. I do know he will ignore them somtimes or get mad when they interfere with his game. he thinks I should hit them when they are bad. How would I know?

[ForeverDad]

For many people, infidelity, and especially continuing or unrepentant infidelity, is a deal-breaker.  I mention it just in case that is a factor holding you back.

If he won't follow you, then move.  (However, be very careful about what you disclose to him in advance, he might try to sabotage your plans.  Remember, he doesn't want to lose you, you're his compliant meal ticket, maid, cook, bill payer, enabler, whatever.)  Hopefully he won't take any legal action in the current state, such as filing for visitation.  And once you establish residency in your home state after six months, then you can file there to establish custody if necessary.

Does he pay child support for his other child?  Likely even if he is ordered to pay you probably won't actually get child support.

[catnap]

He is a grown adult and not a helpless child, after all he did work in order to visit a woman in SC, so he is capable of doing things for himself.  If he can't go where the kids are, he needs to clean up the warrants so he can.

I have to agree with Foreverdad: move, but hold your plans close so he cannot sabotage them.   

[livednlearned]

Good comments from FD and catnap. Start planning your move, but don't disclose anything. He will sabotage you. And definitely do not leave the kids with him. Not only bad for the kids, it weakens your argument that you are a conscientious parent and he is unstable.

If there was an active custody case right now, you would have a really hard time moving. In some states, it can take up to 9 months because the courts are slow. In my state, you have to meet 9 criteria. Even then, it takes a long time. Having a job in another state is one of the criteria, and very few employers will wait that long.

If you move first and then file for custody, the risk is this: it could potentially take you six months to establish residency in NJ. In that time frame, if he filed something with the courts where you now live, custody would be resolved in PA. The gamble is that he won't do that because he is averse to court. If he did file in your current state, and you had already moved, you would have to make a case that you had the kids' best interest in mind, that your ex had warrants for his arrest, did not contribute to the marriage, etc. In other words, the burden would be on you to show that you were justified in removing the kids from their dad.

EDIT: My guess is that a lawyer would advise you to say that you were offered a better job in NJ, and that the marriage was troubled, and you wanted to be closer to family who could help you while you furthered your career, etc., and your ex refused to come because of the warrants. And that would shift a lot of stuff onto your pwBPD. The crappy thing is that you would have an open active custody case 2.5 hours away, and you would have to keep coming back for hearings.

For $50 or $100 you can get a consultation with a lawyer. If you can afford it, talk to 2 or 3 lawyers. Find out what your pwBPD's rights are if you up and move. Explain that there are warrants for his arrest. If he is averse to dealing with the courts, that could be a blessing in disguise. The warrants might protect him from making your life miserable (and expensive) by engaging with you through the court system. In some cases, when the other party does not appear in court, then the judge will make a decision based on that alone.

If I were in your position, I would start planning the move -- be extremely discreet. Set up a post office box that he does not know about. Create a bank account he does not know about, or a credit card in your name only, or both. Get a prepaid phone that he does not know about and use it only to communicate with prospective employers in NJ and a lawyer if you retain one.

Also, all your instincts about getting out of there are good. The longer you stay, the worse your daughter's behavior is going to get. She needs to be around attentive, stable grown-ups and ideally, get into therapy to help her sort out what is motivating her behavior, and learn skills to cope. The younger they are, the easier it is to correct these behaviors. We all want our kids to have both parents in their lives, but BPD is a serious mental illness that impacts the kids in deeply troubling ways. I left my son's father when my son was 8, and I'm absolutely convinced that was the best move. A lot of his behaviors resolved after we moved somewhere without the chronic stress and anxiety.

You deserve better.

[ForeverDad]

Remember, those legal consultations are 100% private and confidential.  If you were entering a healthy relationship, then sharing information is essential.  When ending a high conflict relationship, then the opposite is true, you must keep your sensitive strategy and changes very confidential.

Even if you're interrogated as often happens when dealing with people with BPD (pwBPD).  For me, my ex would interrogate me late at night when all I wanted to do was get to sleep for the next shift at work.  New flash... . No more interrogations!

[david]

I live in Pa. The laws regarding divorce, custody, etc are very different between Pa and NJ. I would talk to an attorney from both states to make sure what your best course of action is. For example, if you move from Pa to NJ that would not be a problem. If you move the children from NJ to another state that would be considered kidnapping. I know someone in NJ that wants to move but needs the court to approve it. From what I know about NJ they have a very rigid structure for divorce and custody and do not like keeping a child from either parent. My experience in Pa is that the courts follow the tender year doctrine even though it is no longer the law.

[suffering_parent]

I would agree be careful just taking the kids to another state like that.   My ex-wife did that and at least here it was considered "custody interference" which was a criminal act.   I would get a lawyer right away.

[lettinggoletmego]

I dont know if it matters but we are not married and he only has kids with me.

[david]

That may make a difference. I would suggest you talk to at least one attorney in Pa and one in NJ before you do anything.

[momtara]

It's very hard.  He will turn up the guilt.

Forever dad is right, don't leave the kids with him.  He could become primary parent.

You are doing the right thing, proceeding slowly and carefully, but being clear and firm.

It may help to get 'splitting' by Bill Eddy at your local library.

My husband alternately pushed for the divorce and was in denial of it.  He still wants to comehome.  If he gets better,he can, but it could take years.

Your kids are being affected by this person.  My husband liked to isolate us from friends and family too.  I grew up with my mother hating all our relatives and to this day I still hurt from  it.  I think you'll be a much better mom and family once you can breathe and relax.   My kids are young too.  I know how it feels.

[momtara]

oh, you can get some legal advice on avvo.com for free, but be careful not to leave your computer screen open, etc.