Hi z 7873
I am still holding on to some resentment about everything and I know that is hampering me. Her behavior has been lower on the scale, but variable. No violence or suicide threats (since January)
There are plenty of people in similar situation here on the board. The break in chaos provides an opportunity to start learning and more importantly practicing. Skill learning requires first and foremost practice. Often it helps to focus on one skill at a time.
This phase, trying to rebuild, is much harder than I expected. I'm not doing the things she wants to feel loved, though I try. It seems like the rules are always changing.
What do you expect? She is unstable. Trying to stabilize the relationship following her lead is trying to walk straight while emulating someone drunk. It is important to re-focus yourself on more stable things and start living by your own rules. That will bring some initial conflict but over time your stability may well be appreciated.
I would talk to a therapist but I got past one individual session and then my wife torpedoed it, she said she was firmly against me having individual therapy because in her past an ex broke up with her soon after going to individual therapy. Yes, I know that it is my call and I could insist on going myself but I'm leaving that out of the picture for now. The antidepressants came from my GP who eventually insisted that I get that kind of meds from a specialist.
It is understandable that she is triggered. But then your wellbeing is important too for you and her.
I will try to spend more time on the forum. Thanks.
It is not a replacement for therapy though. Please keep in contact with your GP about your mental state. It could be depression but it could be also something else.
Hang in there
a0