I just want to end this, now.

[Danie14]

Why is it such a struggle for me? Why? How can I feel this intense horrible ugly feeling inside of myself and KNOW the source and not remove myself from that source? Why is it that I can’t seem to really end this and leave him for good….why am I like this…I don’t understand…

It was my bday this weekend. Everything was kinda fine all week. After me telling him to leave he and he didn't leave (again) he's been alternating between quiet, happy, angry, etc. The day of my bday he hurt his back in the middle of the night... . he had a sinus head ache... . he was coughing... . his back hurt... . and all that made him crabby as you can't believe... . I just about canceled the whole thing. You know how he hurt his back in the middle of the night? Someone left the toilet seat up and when he sat down he got the shock of a wet tush and that’s what happened in the middle of the dang night and why his back was hurting so badly when he woke up in the morning.

We had a family cook out that we planned…well, I planned even tho I said I wouldn’t plan anymore of my own bday parties I do it anyway just because I think it’s important to celebrate people’s bdays…so anyway, I planned my own bday party (again, …trying not sound like a pity-party here!) and had my family going to come over in the afternoon. All day he was a complete ass to me. Slamming around the house, not talking to me, telling me to ‘just get away’ from him (when I tried to talk him)…peeling out of the driveway in his truck to go to the store….just the typical behavior when he’s…what? I don’t even know…when he’s in a mood, I guess…When my family got there he puts on this 'show' of what a great husband he is, he cooked, did the cake (yes I got cake ) and constantly made comments regarding him doing so much for me all the while he was in so much pain, suffering, etc. After everything’s done and everyone’s gone he’s back to his crabby ass self to me. Not talking, waking out of the room when I enter, he got up way late and left the house for a little while…and I feel like I must have done something for him to act this way towards me.

So, we dance…I ask him what’s wrong, he doesn’t answer, I leave him alone, the tension builds, I ask him again, he doesn’t answer, I leave him alone and the tension continues to build…then in the middle of the night when I’m finally sleeping he starts talking to me…I wake up and don’t know what’s going on…he stops talking and won’t say anything else…so I start to fall back to sleep and he starts talking again….and it is the way it is.

I get so sick of this and want this to end. I’m done with this mess. I hate this mess…and I do not use the word “hate” lightly….but this I hate. I really wonder if there is something wrong with me. If I really am the terrible person he says I am. Maybe I am this crazy, selfish, b-word? Idk anymore….but this is what I think…I think that if I could just get some time to think, really think on things…maybe I could start to understand….and effect real change…in myself…On the other hand, when he’s loving me then he can’t leave me alone….like I mean he cannot leave me alone…I will literally follow me around the house, won’t stop talking to me, praising etc you know all that good stuff. But even that is getting on my nerves. I don’t believe him anymore when he says these nice things…yea sure maybe he means it when he’s feeling it…but then it also stands to reason that he means it when he’s saying how much of a despicable person I am…

I just want peace. I don’t want this high-highs and low-lows anymore. I just want to be alone.

I am trying to end this in the safest way possible. I know I need to leave. I know it deep inside myself and yet... . I feel frozen to really do anything... . I just simply do not understand myself. I realized about a year ago, that out of everyone in my life the one person who treats me the worst is him. my husband. Furthermore... . I have no problem walking away from people who treat me badly, no problem whatsoever... . except with him, with my husband. Anyone else who tried to treat me with the level of disrespect he treats me gets cut out of my life. Period... . so I just don't understand myself on this one... . maybe somehow I like this treatment? But no, no, no... . NO I do not like this at all.

smh.

[nownotsure]

Hi Danie,

Do you want to leave him, or are you hopping he will change on his own. If you re-read your posts (especially your post in the new member's section), it's clear that your husband has been abusive and doesn't see any need to change. Obviously there's something holding you back from leaving and you may need to explore whether it's your own insecurities or a feeling of guilt that's holding you back.

The only advice I can offer you is to talk to either a social worker or psychologist about your situation. Maybe by doing so you will gain better insight into what it is that's keeping you in the relationship. If you're worried about how your husband may react to you leaving, then you should also work out a safety plan beforehand.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I wish I had advice for you, but something you said made me laugh, about when he finally chose to talk about his feelings, right when you were falling asleep! Thats gotta be a BPD thing. My ex looved to stir things up right when it was the worst possible moment. Going to sleep, the night before Im cramming for a huge exam, whenever it was the worst time, was the only time she could be bothered to finally tell me the truth(or not truth, who knows anymore). Silliness.

[WalrusGumboot]

Hi Danie,

I once looked up brainwashing techniques and the actions displayed by our pwBPD strike an eerie resemblance.

I was in your shoes for 23 years, going through the same things, and I thought the same thoughts as you. Why am I letting her treat me this way? She excelled at picking fights at 11pm that would last until 3am, with her knowing full well I got up at 5am for work.

Maybe it was the kids that kept me there so long. Or my belief that marriage is for life, no matter how miserable (I had plenty of examples of that when I was a kid).

But, one winter day she pushed the envelope too far. I was worn out and emotionally battered. The knife was already in so she thought she might as well twist it. She sunk to the lowest of lows in disrespect and that changed everything. My mind was made up, and I was out of there. It took a few years before the D was final, but that put the wheels in motion where there was no turning back.

I remember when I was thinking your thoughts, and it takes some time to reconcile them. Subconsciously you are drawing a line in the sand and waiting for him to cross it. If he does, you might find yourself taking action.

WG

[Danie14]

Thank you all for your thoughts. Yes, yes, and yes.

I'm ready to leave him, I hesitate out of fear and obligation (that reside within myself), and he's crossed so many lines over the years... . You know I've had many moments where I'm thinking this is it! this is it I'm done... . and I mean it every single time and then my fears and my ideas of obligation kick in and I think, maybe... . but it's never happened.

I know that I have contributed to this problem. I know it. I'm hot headed and speak my mine... . but mostly I'm very easy going, laid back go with the flow... . until the lines crossed then the gloves come off and you ARE going to hear what I have to say... . so the dance began a long time ago. Now, I'm done with this.

I think what happened was that when he had his last affair (about 8 yrs ago) and he left me and the kids... . well, long story short the aftermath of healing (for me) was the start of my own personal growth. Over the years I've been learning a lot about myself etc. I stopped drinking and then he stopped. Now we don't drink anymore although he'll ask me once in a while but I always say no... . I think that I'm learning that I am worthy of love AND respect. That's the big one for me, respect. I don't doubt his love for me but I highly doubt his respect for me.  

I'm reading the material here regarding how to leave. It's good info. I can see that this might work. I've been detaching for a very long time. I've been accepting that he's not going to change, that this isn't going to get better, and that if I stay with him it's all on me to keep us floating. It's been all on me for years but I had this silly hope that things would get better. Well, I've been detaching, accepting, and trying to process for a while now. It's sometimes hard for me to not react to his attacks, or withdrawal, or what have you... . I think I need help with the self-inquiry... . understanding my feelings and feeling them.

What's weird and what makes me wonder if he has the BPD or I do (, but not really) is that a lot of what's been said about the BPD person are things I can relate to myself, inside of myself. I don't know if this was always me (I don't think so) or if I've developed these as ways to exist with in this marriage. I don't even know if that makes sense.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Danie, I think you may be referring to fleas --    -- those nasty behaviors and habits that we pick up from our BPD SOs in order to cope with the chaos and abuse of a BPD r/s.  I doubt you were always like that, and I predict that once you get out of your current situation you will find that those thoughts and behaviors will recede back into the BPD swamp from which they came.  Yes, you deserve love AND respect.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

P.S.  Well said, Walrus.  Agree, those w/BPD like to push the envelope too far, which usually backfires on them.

[willy45]

Yes. We all felt the same way you do now. I remember one night hiding under the bed (she LOVED to yell at me in the middle of the night) and thinking the exact same thing as you. I NEED TO GET OUT. But I didn't. The second time I was under the bed, I though I NEED TO GET OUT. I didn't. The third time I was under the bed, I thought, I NEED TO GET OUT!

I didn't.

It wasn't until one night when she came tearing down the stairs and started yelling 'YOU JUST THINK I'M A CRAZY F*CKING B*TCH' that I knew I was getting out. I wasn't even thinking about her. I was checking my email. I told her no, I don't. I love you. Don't be upset. What's wrong. Then she went running up the stairs and cried for 2 hours. I didn't go after her. I was done. I envisioned us having kids together and her doing this and the kids being in the room. That was the line for me. It was all clear. I was done. I was tired of being yelled at. I was tired of the super sweet, sexed up rollercoaster ride. I was done. And I left. And it sucked. And she tried to suck me back into the relationship. And I didn't go back. She has been trying to suck me back into her life in general lately (as best friends) but I have thus far been able to resist (for the mos part).

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Read these boards. PREPARE. You are lucky because you now know about this BPD stuff and what it means to be abused. I didn't. I thought I was to blame. I didn't know there were others in the same position. I thought I would be fine after the breakup. I really did. I didn't know the long term damage it had done to me (I was with her off and on for about 7 years).

If you do decide to leave, plan for it and do it. If you decide to stay, then you will need to learn the tools to deal with it. It doesn't sound easy. Part of me wished I had known about this before so that I could have tried to tools. But, in retrospect, I'm not sure it would have even helped. I kind of did try everything. I tried not reacting. I tried telling her I loved her. I tried talking to her like a normal human. I walked away from confrontation. I tried it all. I tried just being a mute and ignoring her. Nothing really worked. I was tired of being blamed for everything. There was never any resolution. And I decided to live the h&ll of not being with her than the one I had with her. I figured at least then I could potentially have a decent life. Still working on that one.

[oldweasel]

Holy cow, Willy,

I had a similar situation of hiding. I was home on leave from Iraq and with my ex. She was cooking dinner and this feeling just came over me that something was terribly wrong and that I had to escape. I hid in a closet? I couldn't explain how or what I was feeling, just that I had to get away. The guy out on the streets of Iraq... . confident and composed, hides in a closet around someone I thought was loving and cared for me. What's that all about?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Danie, Willy45 has offered some excellent advice.  And Willy, thanks for your great post, which describes my situation to a "T" before my BPDxW and I separated and divorced.  We have children together, which made leaving that much harder, yet I spent many years with the same thought in my head: "I need to get out."  Finally did.  And, yes, I suffered long term damage, too, yet I prefer this journey to the BPD nightmare and hellish years that included getting yelled at in the middle of the night, which you describe so well.  LJ