Still to this day...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I am new here.  I am Matt and 3 years ago in April, my mother passed.

One thing that bothers me the most was that upon hearing this, my feeling was brief relief and then, great, now I have XYXYXY, the borderline brother to have to deal with.  Well, that was short lived because he put a restraining order on me and cleaned her house out as she had no will and later, tried to sue me for the entire expense, unsuccessfully.  Later, for "emotional distress".

I find that even when she's dead, as I get closer to the "big day", that I am at a worse level, for once actually thinking the stuff I ignored all my life.  I am pretty solid and secure in my identity.  A tad too in fact.  Not any PD issues on my end.  I grew up with hyperactivity and bipolar mania but those episodes are really long as are my non manic periods, which are often just apathy.  I am misanthropic to an extent.  Let very few in.

I just find now that she is gone. I am thinking of things and thinking "it's never gonna be good enough for you" and "you never even cared" and all these things it seems that a lot of us were told in rages, during beating/berating fits etc.

My last email from her was basically made out to both of us and was the war and peace of "you both are scum" and it ended with, "I regret, most off, giving birth to one diabolical, delusional, selfish yet genius men (me) and the laziest, ungrateful, stupid yet charismatic men (him) because above all, I have to live with the fact that I gave birth to two of the most narcissistic, sociopaths ever to walk this planet".  Like we weren't just cut down enough by the the 1st two but I was the crazy and smart one and he was the lazy and stupid one growing up.

Again, I am sure we're all used to this chaos, ALL THE TIME so I don't need to get too specific but it feels like it never ends even after her death.  I just wonder if anyone else internalized anything after the fact.  I know I started with my "robot" mode so early I don't remember it.  I had a solid grandmother figure so I wasn't missing out per say but she was a German immigrant and I was the only one that could speak German to her because, that I was all I ever knew how to speak to her in.  She was my maternal grandmother and she said her and my aunt were always like that.  I wondered later on if it were the immigrant factor but I turned out fine even with her and my aunt also being that way.   I am biased on that part but I think it was that which prevented me from ending up like my brother.

I am actually wondering if/when I will be served with court papers again soon for who knows what.  My brother hasn't heard from me since I was 18 and I am 33 except for a Thanksgiving side show when I was 21.

Thanks for any feed back

[spemat]

Hi, I am new here.  I am Matt and 3 years ago in April, my mother passed.

One thing that bothers me the most was that upon hearing this, my feeling was brief relief and then, great, now I have XYXYXY, the borderline brother to have to deal with.  Well, that was short lived because he put a restraining order on me and cleaned her house out as she had no will and later, tried to sue me for the entire expense, unsuccessfully.  Later, for "emotional distress".

I find that even when she's dead, as I get closer to the "big day", that I am at a worse level, for once actually thinking the stuff I ignored all my life.  I am pretty solid and secure in my identity.  A tad too in fact.  Not any PD issues on my end.  I grew up with hyperactivity and bipolar mania but those episodes are really long as are my non manic periods, which are often just apathy.  I am misanthropic to an extent.  Let very few in.

I just find now that she is gone. I am thinking of things and thinking "it's never gonna be good enough for you" and "you never even cared" and all these things it seems that a lot of us were told in rages, during beating/berating fits etc.

My last email from her was basically made out to both of us and was the war and peace of "you both are scum" and it ended with, "I regret, most off, giving birth to one diabolical, delusional, selfish yet genius men (me) and the laziest, ungrateful, stupid yet charismatic men (him) because above all, I have to live with the fact that I gave birth to two of the most narcissistic, sociopaths ever to walk this planet".  Like we weren't just cut down enough by the the 1st two but I was the crazy and smart one and he was the lazy and stupid one growing up.

Again, I am sure we're all used to this chaos, ALL THE TIME so I don't need to get too specific but it feels like it never ends even after her death.  I just wonder if anyone else internalized anything after the fact.  I know I started with my "robot" mode so early I don't remember it.  I had a solid grandmother figure so I wasn't missing out per say but she was a German immigrant and I was the only one that could speak German to her because, that I was all I ever knew how to speak to her in.  She was my maternal grandmother and she said her and my aunt were always like that.  I wondered later on if it were the immigrant factor but I turned out fine even with her and my aunt also being that way.   I am biased on that part but I think it was that which prevented me from ending up like my brother.

I am actually wondering if/when I will be served with court papers again soon for who knows what.  My brother hasn't heard from me since I was 18 and I am 33 except for a Thanksgiving side show when I was 21.

Thanks for any feed back