New to ALL of this

[Depression = 72% of members]

Growing up in a broken house hold where my mother took care of my brother and I, my dad always looked like the bad guy. I was eight years old when my dad left and my brother was 5, therefore being the older one, I was unofficially moms go to gal to vent to and to show all of her "evidence" that she had of my dads infidelity. Constantly trying to sway me into taking her side. Growing up I accepted what my mom said because it all made sense, I mean what little girl would think the world of her father for breaking a home in half? Well as I started growing, I started to wonder what a relationship would be like with my father, and having expressed these ideas to my mom, those thoughts and feelings were quickly beaten out of me (verbally) telling me my father was a narcissist and he didn't care about my brother and I. Always what a young girl wants to hear…  :'(

Soon there came a step father and two step brothers. The oldest step brother stayed one night in the house with the new family and left the next day with a screaming fight with my mother calling her crazy. Of course in my moms eyes it was all his fault, she even got her new husband on her side and he hasn't seen his son in over a year now.

So these are all signs a little girl might not notice, but an older girl might. I am 19 years old now and boy have my eyes opened. Everything became abundantly clear once the time for college hunting came around. Having being told that I couldn't go to college in the same state where my father resided was one red flag, however I did so any way. Then once being accepted into the college I am attending now, my mother immediately took my father to court and tried to get every penny out of him as she could to have him pay for college telling me that this was "all for my benefit" and that I should be angry at my father for not wanting to pay my 20,000 college bill. Mother and I didn't see eye to eye on any of this and it lead to screaming fits over the phone, ending up in her telling me not to come home for winter break. So instead of moping around I went out, got a job, got a brand new car, moved in with my father, got a therapist, and haven't been home since.

After months of mediation and negotiating in court, my mother posted on Facebook that "Karma gets all those who deserve it". This women's "goal" was to get me to pay as little as possible for school, yet once was all that was said and done, I am paying the majority of my college, my dad is paying the other fraction and the women who refuses to get a job, pays nothing except for her fancy cloths, LV handbags, Tiffany's Jewelry and her nightly bottle of wine.  

None of this made sense to me until my therapist diagnosed my mother as Borderline PD. This realization has been life chaining and scary. I am currently reading a book Walking On Eggshells to help me wrap my head around this all. Luckily I have wonderful support for my new and wonderful relationship with my father, my caring boyfriend and most importantly my Aunt (mother's sister) who is dealing with this situation along side of me. Having said all that, I still feel slightly alone, scared, and unsure of what my future relationship looks like with my mother. That's why I'm reaching out here to seek other's stories and share maybe a common feeling, and more support.

[MyOwnHero3]

Growing up in a broken house hold where my mother took care of my brother and I, my dad always looked like the bad guy. I was eight years old when my dad left and my brother was 5, therefore being the older one, I was unofficially moms go to gal to vent to and to show all of her "evidence" that she had of my dads infidelity. Constantly trying to sway me into taking her side. Growing up I accepted what my mom said because it all made sense, I mean what little girl would think the world of her father for breaking a home in half? Well as I started growing, I started to wonder what a relationship would be like with my father, and having expressed these ideas to my mom, those thoughts and feelings were quickly beaten out of me (verbally) telling me my father was a narcissist and he didn't care about my brother and I. Always what a young girl wants to hear…  :'(

Soon there came a step father and two step brothers. The oldest step brother stayed one night in the house with the new family and left the next day with a screaming fight with my mother calling her crazy. Of course in my moms eyes it was all his fault, she even got her new husband on her side and he hasn't seen his son in over a year now.

So these are all signs a little girl might not notice, but an older girl might. I am 19 years old now and boy have my eyes opened. Everything became abundantly clear once the time for college hunting came around. Having being told that I couldn't go to college in the same state where my father resided was one red flag, however I did so any way. Then once being accepted into the college I am attending now, my mother immediately took my father to court and tried to get every penny out of him as she could to have him pay for college telling me that this was "all for my benefit" and that I should be angry at my father for not wanting to pay my 20,000 college bill. Mother and I didn't see eye to eye on any of this and it lead to screaming fits over the phone, ending up in her telling me not to come home for winter break. So instead of moping around I went out, got a job, got a brand new car, moved in with my father, got a therapist, and haven't been home since.

After months of mediation and negotiating in court, my mother posted on Facebook that "Karma gets all those who deserve it". This women's "goal" was to get me to pay as little as possible for school, yet once was all that was said and done, I am paying the majority of my college, my dad is paying the other fraction and the women who refuses to get a job, pays nothing except for her fancy cloths, LV handbags, Tiffany's Jewelry and her nightly bottle of wine.  

None of this made sense to me until my therapist diagnosed my mother as Borderline PD. This realization has been life chaining and scary. I am currently reading a book Walking On Eggshells to help me wrap my head around this all. Luckily I have wonderful support for my new and wonderful relationship with my father, my caring boyfriend and most importantly my Aunt (mother's sister) who is dealing with this situation along side of me. Having said all that, I still feel slightly alone, scared, and unsure of what my future relationship looks like with my mother. That's why I'm reaching out here to seek other's stories and share maybe a common feeling, and more support.

[maxen]

hi MyOwnHero3 and 

i'm a little older than 19 and i have to say, that you've handled your situation with remarkable insight. i, at least, would never have been able to gather myself at that age. and having family support is invaluable: you're fortunate to have it and it's great that you're using it. at bpdfamily you'll find a wealth of resources and an active and supportive community of posters who are eager to listen and to help.

when a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively affect everyone in the family system, including children. senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. the educational materials on the right hand side of that page may help clarify your thinking.

before i suggest anything more, can you tell us what level of contact you have with your mother right now? please keep posting MyOwnHero3!

[growing_wings]

hello Myownhero3 

I want to join Maxen in welcoming to the BPD family 

Like Maxen already said, your insight into the situation is very remarkable!.  It must be very hard to be in a situation like you are while going to college...

Keep posting,  reaching out to this site is a great thing to do. I have found tremendous support and understanding from other members, this has enabled me to move on from issues i had in the past. Stick around and interact in the boards

best wishes

[AnnieSurvivor]

Hello and I also want to say 

I also want to echo that I am so pleased to hear that you have a great therapist and have recognized what is going on already.  It didn't come together for me about my uBPD mom until I was 43, so I have high hopes for you!

One realization I came to gradually before the knowledge about BPD is that we can only expect so much from any one person, even if that person is a parent.  While I still have contact with my mother, she is a very small part of my life, knows very little about what I do in all areas of my life (for my emotional safety), and at this point I expect pretty much nothing from her, knowing she cannot give much if anything.  This may not end up being the case for you, but I urge to to learn your boundaries and stick to them.  This has helped me tremendously. There are other ways one can be "mothered" and not necessarily by other women!   

[Woolspinner2000]

 

Hi MyOwnHero3!

So glad that you are joining us here! It's wonderful that you are already working on healing yourself and trying to understand BPD. I first learned about BPD when I was 46. Once I discovered that my mom was a uBPD, it still took me a couple of years to recognize that I needed to also start seeing a therapist, and I'm on my way too. Good for you! Keep learning and sharing with us here. You'll be growing by leaps and bounds! I have a 19 yr old son who is in his first year of college also, and it is wonderful to see young adults be so eager to grow.