Was it compassion? A cousin of radical acceptance? In any case, thank you all

[AsianSon]

I have been wondering about how to have compassion for a pwBPD when they are so hurtful towards me.  I have been very concerned that I cannot respond to my uBPD mother without the need to control my anger and resentment.  I surprised myself tonight.   

I was at dinner with my mother and (possibly NPD) dad.  My mother had been building herself towards the need for an explosive release, and I suspect she knew it too.  That's why the dinner invitation was one to which I could not say no without creating an even larger explosion.  So I went in armed with all the techniques I could remember.   

When the explosion happened, I somehow found myself distinguishing her behaviors from her (as a physical being that was separate from the behaviors).  So while her anger exploded and then transitioned to crying and so on, I found myself able to try and comfort the physical mother in front of me while letting all the behaviors come out and go by. 

I actually had no anger or resentment. 

I am still in a bit of a daze about it, but I suspect that my time on these boards helped lead me in this direction.  So a gigantic thank you to everyone!   

[DreamGirl]

 

I so love this, AsianSon. I think compassion is a pretty good word to describe it. Maybe it's a cousin or maybe it's the love child of Radical Acceptance and Validation. 

I think that these kinds of skill are one that take practice and patience, especially when it comes to a parent! I also have found that the communication skills I've learned on this site (like SET and validation) are great for any relationship in my life. It's really about being a place to actually actively hear/understand what the other person is conveying to you. 

So good on you for being able to separate the person from the behavior. (I have heard men are better at this compartmentalizing stuff)

Pretty amazing that you're able not to take it personal. That you were able to do what you did and have such a positive outcome.

Thanks so much for sharing.

~DG

[AsianSon]

Thank you very much, DreamGirl!  I greatly appreciate your kind words. 

I am still surprised at how that worked out, but I also suspect that time spent on this site played a role. 

My next step is to try and remember that if can happen once, it can happen again!  (And also give others hope.)

Thanks again! 

 

[P.F.Change]

When the explosion happened, I somehow found myself distinguishing her behaviors from her (as a physical being that was separate from the behaviors).  So while her anger exploded and then transitioned to crying and so on, I found myself able to try and comfort the physical mother in front of me while letting all the behaviors come out and go by. 

It sounds like you may have also been able to separate your mother's behaviors and who she is from you and who you are. That is also a positive step. She can be upset and you can be calm--you don't have to allow her mood to affect yours.

I really appreciate your sharing your experience. What do you think made the difference this time around--how did you achieve that detachment? Were any specific tools here helpful to you?

[GeekyGirl]

That's awesome, AsianSon.   I agree with PF and DreamGirl that this is really something that you should celebrate. You are an individual, your own self, and you can separate her issues from how you see yourself. That's very powerful.

One thing that helps me sometimes is to remember that my mother didn't choose to be this way--while it doesn't excuse her behavior, it helps keep things in perspective. I'm interested in knowing what was most helpful to you also--as PF asked.

Thank you for sharing your positive experience!   

[AsianSon]

I'm still not clear on how it happened.  I know that I was apprehensive going in (they asked that I join them for dinner). 

My uBPD mother was already seething when I arrived, and started in pretty quick.  I tried a number of things, but she shifted so quickly that it was hard to keep up. 

Her explosion happened shortly after I reminded her of, and maintained, a boundary.  But perhaps that same boundary helped me separate from her and her behaviors (P.F.Change is right, and I did not recognize it at the time.  I only saw the physical her separate from the behaviors.).   

And GeekyGirl is right in that with the separation, I felt that my mother was a victim/slave to the BPD behaviors.  She really had no control, and it may be that she never gains real control. 

One last component maybe that the explosion had a bit of self-pity, self-loathing mixed in.  So while there was plenty directed outwardly, it wasn't only directed at others, and this might have helped it be more tolerable. 

Thanks to both of you for asking.