"You can't accept me for who I am" she says

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been thinking lately about something my ex said at the time of our breakup, when I discovered that she'd been contacting people all over online dating sites and even the random sex corners of Craigslist. I told her I loved her, but how could I be with someone that started looking for replacements literally days after our relationship became long distance? Any time I said I loved her she would interrupt me: "Just not for who I am! You just can't love me for who I am!"

She meant, I think, that she had told me she had abandonment issues and that she couldn't be alone. I thought I understood that, but we'd seen eachother and been in contact throughout the time she had been trying to find a replacement... . so I hadn't *really* understood how much she needed to distract herself with sex/romantic attention. I didn't realize that she literally could not be without some sort of flirtation and physical affection for a week, however empty or meaningless.

Did any of you have significant others who tried to accuse you of not loving them for "who they were?" whether they raged or cheated? At what point do you say, this is NOT who you are, this is a disorder and you being in denial/not wanting to work on changing the disorder--or, if this is who you are, then you're right, I can't accept you?

[pinkparchment]

I've been thinking lately about something my ex said at the time of our breakup, when I discovered that she'd been contacting people all over online dating sites and even the random sex corners of Craigslist. I told her I loved her, but how could I be with someone that started looking for replacements literally days after our relationship became long distance? Any time I said I loved her she would interrupt me: "Just not for who I am! You just can't love me for who I am!"

She meant, I think, that she had told me she had abandonment issues and that she couldn't be alone. I thought I understood that, but we'd seen eachother and been in contact throughout the time she had been trying to find a replacement... . so I hadn't *really* understood how much she needed to distract herself with sex/romantic attention. I didn't realize that she literally could not be without some sort of flirtation and physical affection for a week, however empty or meaningless.

Did any of you have significant others who tried to accuse you of not loving them for "who they were?" whether they raged or cheated? At what point do you say, this is NOT who you are, this is a disorder and you being in denial/not wanting to work on changing the disorder--or, if this is who you are, then you're right, I can't accept you?

[LettingGo14]

Did any of you have significant others who tried to accuse you of not loving them for "who they were?" whether they raged or cheated? At what point do you say, this is NOT who you are, this is a disorder and you being in denial/not wanting to work on changing the disorder--or, if this is who you are, then you're right, I can't accept you?

Yes.  I heard that.  Almost verbatim.  Two thoughts:

1. Read about engulfment within pwBPD.   There's a war going on inside of the other human being, about who they are/are not.   Others on here speak articulately about the engulfment/abandonment push/pull.  

2. I don't recommend diagnosing anyone else.  I have learned we can decide only what we want to do for ourselves, and our mental health, but not because we want to "fix" or "punish" the pwBPD.   Telling her she is disordered will only put gas on flames.   And, likely, be turned back on you.

Keep posting and reading.  It has been a life saver for me.

[pinkparchment]

Fortunately I was with someone who already a BPD diagnosis so I didn't have to diagnose her. Even after all I read and all she told me, I still didn't interpret some of her behaviors as pulling or pushing. She was subtle.

Also, we're not in contact anymore (her choice, since I couldn't accept her trying to replace me left and right). I'm just ruminating and wondering if I really was hoping my love would change her, somehow mean more to her. You're right, I suppose, in that I thought I could "fix" at least that part of her. For me, sex with someone you don't love is meaningless. I thought if I meant enough to her, she would see that fooling around with random chicks is meaningless. Which was dumb because she's an adult whose patterns are pretty much established and definitely her own to change.

Soo, you're right--back to working on me.

[corraline]

Mine did this too.  Mine used to say i didnt understand his kind of love and implied that i was limited in my understanding of love. He said he loved differently and was more mature than my kind of love. Yet i got the i love you more than anyone before blah blah blah... said my love was more intense than his.  Altho he treated me  so poorly and cheated and lied etc. I used to think my goodness ... . how did u treat your others if im the one you loved the most ? Such confusion always... ugh!

[Allmessedup]

Mine always said "you don't see me"

Meaning I didn't see who she really was.  And in a way I suppose she was right.  I rationalized ans swept away all the bad when we were together... .

However she followed that up with "I see all of you". But in that part she was very wrong.  She only saw the illusion of who she wanted me to be.  As soon as I was inevitably human she was gone.

I think that always bothered me... . I used to try to convince her that I did in fact see her.  But in the end it was all just an illusion.  There was nothing real to see

[sirensong65]

Mine said over and over during the relationship he would never be "good enough".  Being that I thought he hung the moon, I couldn't understand why he would say such a thing.

When we had disagreements, he would call him self a dumb ass and F up.  I NEVER said this to him.

At the end of the relationship, before I knew he had already lined up replacement(s), he said, "you don't understand... . I can't be myself with you."  I now know, this translates to, "I can't be a lying, cheating low life with you... . "  And right he was, I want NO part of it of him.

[Madison66]

I'm going on 120 days since the b/u of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I used to hear this kind of statement over and over and over.  She used to say in couples T that "I'm just misunderstood" and she'd tell me her individual T would question if I "accepted her as she was".  This was amidst the continued emotional abuse/blackmail, projecting, crazy making, etc.  The last time we spoke a week after the b/u, she tried to state "you just never accepted me for who I am" and "me and my kids are just not right for you".  When I said that my love was real and I was a devoted partner, but the emotional and physical abuse were too much for me to take any longer, she just looked at me and smiled and nodded.  Crazy!

[corraline]

I always felt it was just a way to punish me for not accepting his abuse. Make out like it was me that couldn't understand or accept all of him. Goodness knows i tried and I punished myself for not being able to be comfortable for those parts of him. I just couldn't be a saint ! Im a regular human being with feelings and i was feeling abused, betrayed, deceived and manipulated and I couldn't raise myself up to a level of sainthood to tolerate this stuff. A robot or saint I am not ! I was not willing to shut myself down completely to be there either. ugh.

[Madison66]

I felt it she said it because she was projecting her own non self acceptance along with obvious lack of empathy.

[oldweasel]

Mine tried to get me on board with accepting her for who she was, being that she wanted me to be there for support, emotional and financially, but also wanted to run around town and sleep with whoever she wanted too. Glad I finally saw the light.

[mitchell16]

mine never said I that i cant love her for who she is. But, she used to say she couldnt be herself with me. It always confused me. and when I asked her to explain she couldnt or wouldnt. I woudl tell her, she laughs, drinks, we hang out with her friends. what was she talking about. I never got answer. The only thing i objected to was flriting with other men in my presence. So i guess that what she meant.

[odonate]

I have heard this so many times too ... . 'I want you to love all of me'... . "you are so self righteous, I will never be good enough for you '... . 'you don't love the real me' ... . 'I want you to come back to me in the future and find the real James and love the real James'.

Somehow they can't accept that you do love them, all of them.  You may not like their behaviour at times but you still love them.  I found this so confusing at first, now I find it frustrating and my husband has now separated from me because he says I don't love the real him... . It's crazy and painful.

I don't know where we will end up ... . he is still placing all the blame on me but I am just hoping his therapist can do some serious excavation and rebuilding working on him, whilst I work on me and putting my boundaries in place.

[willy45]

Same here. I would constantly get 'why can't you just be nice to me'. That's when I was being nice! I would also get the whole acceptance thing. She also told me once not to worry about her cheating on me because I would never find out about it Anyways. That was very reassuring.

[corraline]

I also used to get "just BE with me" be in the present... stop going back or looking forward. He used to do the buddhist thing with me.  "just relax" I heard him say this to his daughter too when he upset her.

He wanted us to just accept unacceptable behavior and made out like there was something wrong with us that we couldn't

[willy45]

Yup. Same here again.

She would tell me that my behavior was odd after she would rage at me for hours and then I would get depressed for a couple days after. Then she would tell me that I suffer from depression (which I do on occasion, especially when I get raged at for hours). I would tell her all I needed to feel better was an apology. She would tell me that she couldn't do that. That used to make me crazy. I didn't understand. But, now I do. She was speaking the truth. SHE COULD NOT APOLOGIZE. It's wasn't her being stubborn, like I thought. She did not have the capacity and she was telling me that directly. She can not apologize. It didn't make any sense to me at the time. In hindsight, looking at this BPD stuff, it now makes complete sense. Apologizing to her would have meant she did something wrong. Acknowledging that she did something wrong would bring about an incredible amount of shame and self-hatred. Thus, she literally could not do it.

It isn't possible for me to be in a relationship like that. There would be no growth, no coming together, no resolving differences. The only option would be to accept blame, accept that nothing would get better, and that the only trajectory in the relationship would have been for it to get worse and worse and worse.

[DreamGirl]

Hi pinkparchment,

I do think that you have it right in that this kind of promiscuity had a whole lot to do with this disorder and it's manifestation of the infamous abandonment fear. I say that because I see what she did as far as the cheating as more of a coping skill for the fear she was experiencing, even when it's wasn't a really rational emotion.

Doesn't make it any less hurtful though.

As far as the professing that you couldn't accept her? Well, BPD is a mood regulation disorder where the person suffering doesn't have the skill set to self soothe, so your ex begging for your acceptance probably had a lot with her trying to outwardly help her cope with her feelings (shame, fear, abandonment).

From our workshop on "Object Constancy" and Gunderson's Three Levels of Emotions.

(Note: Major object = person)

LEVEL III

When a borderline person feels an absence or lack of any major object, then a third level of psychological function becomes predominant. The phenomena during such periods include the occurrence of brief [psychotic] episodes, panic states, or impulsive efforts to avoid such panic. These phenomena each represent efforts to ward off the subjective experience of aloneness (Adler and Buie 1979a) and, I would add, total badness. Under ordinary circumstances, this aspect of the borderline around - even if without any evident emotional contact, in using radio and television as hypnotics, or in heavy reliance on transitional objects (Arkema 1981; Morris et. al. 1984). Under the more extreme circumstances when there has been a loss of a specific and essential object relationship, dangerous impulsive acts occur that most commonly consist of taking drugs or alcohol. These serve both to numb the panic and to initiate social contacts. Fights and promiscuity occur under these circumstances - often assisted by the disinhibiting influence of alcohol - and reflect desperate efforts to establish contact with and to revive the illusion of control over some new object... .

I think once the relationship became long distance, she got scared. Rational or not, it's what she experienced when you were far away and her not having the ability to know that you weren't really "gone" (like the toddler crying when her mama leaves the room).  So her really poor coping abilities billowed to the surface both in her behavior and in her reactions to you.

I saw a video once where a pwBPD would, every time her boyfriend would go out of town, need to be admitted to the hospital because she was unable to deal with him leaving. That kind of separation invoked such intense emotions in her that she simply could not regulate back to baseline.  

I know that it doesn't fix the hurt from that kind of betrayal, PP, it just sometimes helps me when I better understand what's going on a more "clinical" level.  



~DG

[Happy1]

Mine was a little more cruel. She'd always tell me that she loved someone else more than me (a friend of mine, another guy, and yet another guy). When I'd ask her, "Why then do you hangout with me so much and all of the time?" Her response was, "I love you, but not the way I love them or the way you want me to love you. We will never be boyfriend & girlfriend, ever." In the next breath of wind, she'd say, "I just want someone to love me and to accept me for who I am."

All very similar stuff.

[HappyNihilist]

I see this as a projection of them not being able to accept themselves, as well as a way to deflect their own boundary-busting and unacceptable behavior.

I never got told that I couldn't accept him or didn't understand him -- I'm incredibly tolerant and accepting, no doubt to a fault (although I will fight back when my serious boundaries are crossed), and he realized I tried always to understand him and where he was coming from. If we'd stayed together longer -- we were together for 2 years, but he can historically maintain a pretty good mask for up to 2-3 years -- I'm sure I would have heard this, though. He did, however, express related sentiments.

I also used to get "just BE with me" be in the present... stop going back or looking forward. He used to do the buddhist thing with me.  "just relax" I heard him say this to his daughter too when he upset her.

He wanted us to just accept unacceptable behavior and made out like there was something wrong with us that we couldn't

I got that alllllll the time -- "just BE with me."

Now, I've been a big practitioner of mindfulness and meditation for the majority of my life. I don't consider myself a Buddhist but I do try to follow such teachings (as well as Stoicism). I am all about being in the present moment. It goes completely against the whole intent of mindfulness to use it as an excuse for unacceptable behavior.

He would get so annoyed, sometimes enraged, if I ever brought up anything from the past. Not even bad stuff! (I don't hold grudges -- although he certainly does. It was always acceptable for him to bring up ways I'd wronged him in the past.) I tried to share an album that meant a lot to me growing up, telling him it really shaped me and that it might help him understand me, and he wouldn't listen to it because he said he could learn far more about me from observing me now than "looking at the past." Of course it's to his benefit to believe and tell me this, so that I might not try to understand him based on his past.