Compliments a trigger?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I recently read an article about a book titled Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries by Guy Winch where the author discusses the causes of bad moods and how we can soothe them. One of the causes of bad moods that I found extremely interesting as it relates to my uBPDexgf was "compliments." The author states that "People with low self-esteem aren't comfortable with praise because it conflicts with their self-view and can make them feel worse about themselves... . it makes you feel bad because your belief system is contradicting [what people are telling you]."

I always knew my ex had insecurity issues, so being the rescuer that I am, I would shower her with compliments. I didn't only shower her with compliments to build her self-esteem, I also did it because it's how I really, truly felt about her. In the beginning during idealization, she kind of ate it up and it became part of the fantasy about us and how amazing our relationship was. However, during devaluation, my compliments were met with scorn. I would look at her and call her "beautiful" or "gorgeous" and she would act as if I was calling her b*tch. She appeared disgusted by what I was saying.

I've been thinking about how this common source of bad moods in relatively healthy people would have an extreme impact on someone who has borderline traits. The problem, intuitively, that I'm having is that my ex would embrace the compliments in the beginning and she would only react negatively in devaluation and I don't know what to make of that. As I mentioned above, I've theorized that in idealization my compliments and treatment of her became part of the ideal, but when I was painted black, my compliments had the effect that the author describes and made things much worse for me. I tried to use the compliments to express my love for her while I was being devalued in an attempt to change the tide. It didn't work. The compliments became a trigger.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or theories?

[DownandOut]

I recently read an article about a book titled Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries by Guy Winch where the author discusses the causes of bad moods and how we can soothe them. One of the causes of bad moods that I found extremely interesting as it relates to my uBPDexgf was "compliments." The author states that "People with low self-esteem aren't comfortable with praise because it conflicts with their self-view and can make them feel worse about themselves... . it makes you feel bad because your belief system is contradicting [what people are telling you]."

I always knew my ex had insecurity issues, so being the rescuer that I am, I would shower her with compliments. I didn't only shower her with compliments to build her self-esteem, I also did it because it's how I really, truly felt about her. In the beginning during idealization, she kind of ate it up and it became part of the fantasy about us and how amazing our relationship was. However, during devaluation, my compliments were met with scorn. I would look at her and call her "beautiful" or "gorgeous" and she would act as if I was calling her b*tch. She appeared disgusted by what I was saying.

I've been thinking about how this common source of bad moods in relatively healthy people would have an extreme impact on someone who has borderline traits. The problem, intuitively, that I'm having is that my ex would embrace the compliments in the beginning and she would only react negatively in devaluation and I don't know what to make of that. As I mentioned above, I've theorized that in idealization my compliments and treatment of her became part of the ideal, but when I was painted black, my compliments had the effect that the author describes and made things much worse for me. I tried to use the compliments to express my love for her while I was being devalued in an attempt to change the tide. It didn't work. The compliments became a trigger.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or theories?

[pinkparchment]

This is one of the more thoughtful topics I've read. I wonder if the girl/girl dynamic is different. My ex had what she described as an "ego problem married to an inferiority complex." She loved compliments and seemed incredibly confident but as we got closer she used my compliments to push me away. ":)on't say that, you're too good for me." "I'm not as X as you, look at the way you X." Or if I complimented her appearance she'd say I was only interested in her sexually or something equally ridiculous.

I also felt like somehow she refrained from giving me genuine compliments as a form of punishment or manipulation. You know how sometimes there's an opening and you know a girl expects or needs you to say something nice and/or reassuring? She wouldn't. If there was something I was really insecure about I'd ask straight out and she'd always give me a half-compliment or a qualified compliment. Like being good in bed "for a straight girl." Or "you might even be as smart as I am." It diminished me but she always said, "I don't lie. I just want to be honest with you." And who could argue with that?

[growing_wings]

i guess it depends on the person, mine had some narcissistic traits on her... so quite the opposite, as long as you would be complimenting her, she would be happy ...   if someone gave her a dose of reality, she would devaluate that person a lot...   same with friends, if some would not compliment her, and would even be critic of her, she would cut them off...

[Aussie0zborn]

I experienced everything mentioned in the above posts. In addition, what she accepted as a compliment one day was taken as an insult the next day. I am talking about the exact same compliment. To counter this, I would rotate compliments or not use the same one on two consecutive days.

[DownandOut]

This is one of the more thoughtful topics I've read. I wonder if the girl/girl dynamic is different. My ex had what she described as an "ego problem married to an inferiority complex." She loved compliments and seemed incredibly confident but as we got closer she used my compliments to push me away. ":)on't say that, you're too good for me." "I'm not as X as you, look at the way you X." Or if I complimented her appearance she'd say I was only interested in her sexually or something equally ridiculous.

I also felt like somehow she refrained from giving me genuine compliments as a form of punishment or manipulation. You know how sometimes there's an opening and you know a girl expects or needs you to say something nice and/or reassuring? She wouldn't. If there was something I was really insecure about I'd ask straight out and she'd always give me a half-compliment or a qualified compliment. Like being good in bed "for a straight girl." Or "you might even be as smart as I am." It diminished me but she always said, "I don't lie. I just want to be honest with you." And who could argue with that?

In bold, my ex would tell me I was treating her like a piece of meat because I was always telling her how beautiful I thought she was. Also, during devaluation, besides being abused verbally and attacked constantly for whatever flaw she perceived I had, I would try to negate that by being slightly cocky and she would tell me that I "need to be more humble." This is hilarious in retrospect because my replacement is Mr. Selfie - looves taking pictures of himself in the mirror. Whenever I asked her how I looked or if my hair was okay or something to that effect she would give me an "eh" type response, like she just didn't want to give me the satisfaction. She never told me I looked nice. Kinda off topic, but strange.

[DownandOut]

I experienced everything mentioned in the above posts. In addition, what she accepted as a compliment one day was taken as an insult the next day. I am talking about the exact same compliment. To counter this, I would rotate compliments or not use the same one on two consecutive days.

This is the problem I'm having trying to understand it. How could something that would make her love me one day become something that she would hate me for the next?

[growing_wings]

I experienced everything mentioned in the above posts. In addition, what she accepted as a compliment one day was taken as an insult the next day. I am talking about the exact same compliment. To counter this, I would rotate compliments or not use the same one on two consecutive days.

i experienced a similar situation indeed.

[Learning_curve74]

Compliments can be invalidating since they don't match the feeling inside. Also many pwBPD have trust issues so they may feel like compliments are a trick for you to get something from them.

As for one day appreciating and another day loathing, that can boil down to "feelings are facts". One day she's feeling good so you're the greatest with your compliments, another day she's feeling bad and you're a scum trying to extract something from her.

[Happy1]

Just like the validate/devalue others, they are at war internally doing much of the same to themselves.

Most BPDs objectify nearly everything including themselves as a way of controlling or structuring their environments to meet their needs. If they feel your compliments make them standout in someway and makes them different than others, they may take this as a slight or it could trigger a negative reaction.

Again, this is abhorrent behavior and a sign that something is wrong. Most people appreciate compliments so, when something like this seems weird or odd, that says something about the person who is receiving.