Shakeing and crying

[tucsonstrom]

Woke up this morning went into living room turned on local morning news and started reading e-mails.   When a commercial with my D3 came on TV.   The rush of emotion was overwhelming sense of loss, anger, lonelyness, body chills, nausia.   I started trembling.   

This evening got home from work and the same commercial repeted.   Same reaction.   Went for a spirited motorcycle ride and now I feel much better.

Came home again started reading and realize how greatful I am the r/s wBPD suceeded with her final push.    No longer living with disrespectfull behavior, rages, drug use, alcohol use, staying out all night, inappropriate physical contact, purposefully over spending my money, destroying my home, destroying resourses, sleeping with one of my former best buddies as a last act then blameing me for her behavior.

Well, I still have my personal integrety. 

Thank you for the resourses

[Want2know]

Glad you are feeling some relief, and the resources from our site have helped.

There are going to be moments when you feel emotional - that's normal, and all a part of detaching (see the right of the screen for the stages).

What was the commercial about?  :)id it actually have your D3 in it as an actor?  That's a hard trigger.  Can you tell us a little more about it without divulging too much detail (maintain your anonymity)?

[tucsonstrom]

Yes, this site is such a great gift and has and will continue to help my recovery.   

I am employeed by a local health care institution.   They used her picture as the lead in on a series of commercials.   One of the owners came my office to see on an unrelated matter within a couple of hours of this trigger and sensed I was upset.  After I explained, which was difficult for me because I (as a rule) do not talk about my personal life at work, they ask me if I would like them to pull the ads.  I told them no because this was something I had to deal with and I in no way wanted to adversely effect the company.

Thank you want2know for your support and consideration.

[corraline]

tucsonstrom

sorry to hear you had a difficult time emotionally.  the final push thing to be grateful for is great though.

it seems that it does feel like a final push and altho it can be the worst one at times , knowing that it was a gift almost is a sign that we are healing. Its all a matter of shifting the perspective on what life brings us. I tell myself when i am in a good space that altho it was so awful especially near the end, its what i needed to finally wake up to reality. I guess triggers can be found everywhere. Im triggered daily about things that are almost ridiculous to mention and i know that its the trauma i went thru and its a matter of time and healing when those things no longer have such a strong effect on me.

cool that you were able to find your way back to yourself.

[heartandwhole]

tucsonstrom,

That is a tough situation, I think you handled it very well.  It takes a strong person to face those feelings and deal with them, especially when given the option to remove the trigger.

As others have said, the shaking and crying is a "normal" reaction, as crazy as it sounds.  The body "remembers" trauma, and it takes time to work its way out of the system.

I think if you have your integrity, you have one of the best things in life. 

[corraline]

heart and whole

regarding the body remembering trauma... . I have days where if feel this shuddering , like i wan't to get some kind of toxic sludge out of my body. I find myself shaking my hands to get it off. My body feels like it needs to get this out of me and i get the shivers kind of. same thing ?

[Clearmind]

book about relationship loss and feelings of abandonment - this book explained all those feelings for me very clearly. Highly recommend it.

Abandonment is a cumulative wound containing all of the losses and disconnections stemming all the way back to childhood. Here is an overview of the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Anger, and Lifting – introduced in the book JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.


   

SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.