Dad died last week

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I last posted about what was going on with my dad here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217905.0;topicseen

I was able to be with dad when he died. When I heard he was hospitalized week before last my husband and I drove up to see him, and then they moved him to a hospice where he died on Thursday.

I was NC with my mom until she came to the hospital. The first evening she was there, she was acting really nice and supportive, and I almost felt like I could go back to having a tolerable relationship with her, but that didn't last long. By the next day she was back to her old self. One thing that really bothered me was she kept talking like Dad was already dead, even when she was in there in his hospital room when he could probably hear everything we were saying (he got to the point where he was having trouble speaking, but was still conscious). Like once she turned to my husband and asked, "What size shoes do you wear? He has a lot of nice shoes." Later she said she was going to go ahead and borrow his chainsaw, since my sister has a key to his house, and obviously he doesn't need it anymore.

Dad did make a will and left everything to my sister and me 50/50, but we need to decided how to divide up his stuff, what we want to keep, what we will sell or donate, etc. My sister lives with our mom though, so it was like Mom was already thinking of what stuff she wanted, and kept wanting to talk about that sort of thing before he was even dead. Even while I was in there in the hospital room with him trying to spend a few last moments with him, she kept trying to get me to come out and talk with her. When I said no, this is not the time, we can wait until after he's dead, she'd argue with me, like "You've been here this whole week!" I felt like here she was, while Dad was dying, still trying to get in-between me and him just like she had when I was a kid. My husband speculated later that she was getting jealous that Dad was getting all my attention.

The day after my husband and I got home, they started calling wanting to know when we'd be back to pick up our share of his stuff. They say they need to hurry because they need to get his house cleaned out and sold right away. Can't I at least have a couple of weeks to grieve before I have to do that? Plus I missed a lot of work, and I have the kind of job where if I do that, I have to then work extra hard catch up with everything when I get back. My mom and sister both don't have jobs, and don't seem to understand that I have to make that a priority as well, and they're going to have to wait until I can afford to miss more work before I can come back.

So... . these kinds of things sometimes bring families together, but in my case it just made me even more sure that my mom is never going to change, and I probably did the right thing going NC with her. We were NC for about a year and a half before this happened, and I think it gave me the needed break from the relationship so that when I did see her again, I could put things in perspective and see what was really going on without too much FOG.

But how that NC has been broken with her, I might have some limited contact with her from now on. I think I did an OK job standing up to her and doing what *I* wanted to do (spending as much time as possible with Dad) rather than what she wanted me to do (go to his house and help go through his stuff before he's even dead yet).

Though it looks like my sister is even more under her control than before. On Thursday morning my husband and I went to the hospice, and the nurses told us his death is imminent. My husband and I both tried calling my sister telling her she needs to get here right away, but Mom was with her and kept delaying. Around noon I called again, and they said they decided to have lunch first. The next time I called it was to let them know he had died. The nurses came in asking when we'd be ready for them to take his body to the funeral home, and I told him I wanted them to wait until my sister was there to see him one last time. Took an hour before they finally got there after that. So sis only got to spend a few minutes before Mom wanted them to go ahead and get this funeral home thing done with so she could go back home. I kept thinking "why are you even here at all?"

I hope my sister still has a chance of recovering even if Mom doesn't, but I don't see that happening while she's still under this much influence.

[Gerda]

I last posted about what was going on with my dad here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217905.0;topicseen

I was able to be with dad when he died. When I heard he was hospitalized week before last my husband and I drove up to see him, and then they moved him to a hospice where he died on Thursday.

I was NC with my mom until she came to the hospital. The first evening she was there, she was acting really nice and supportive, and I almost felt like I could go back to having a tolerable relationship with her, but that didn't last long. By the next day she was back to her old self. One thing that really bothered me was she kept talking like Dad was already dead, even when she was in there in his hospital room when he could probably hear everything we were saying (he got to the point where he was having trouble speaking, but was still conscious). Like once she turned to my husband and asked, "What size shoes do you wear? He has a lot of nice shoes." Later she said she was going to go ahead and borrow his chainsaw, since my sister has a key to his house, and obviously he doesn't need it anymore.

Dad did make a will and left everything to my sister and me 50/50, but we need to decided how to divide up his stuff, what we want to keep, what we will sell or donate, etc. My sister lives with our mom though, so it was like Mom was already thinking of what stuff she wanted, and kept wanting to talk about that sort of thing before he was even dead. Even while I was in there in the hospital room with him trying to spend a few last moments with him, she kept trying to get me to come out and talk with her. When I said no, this is not the time, we can wait until after he's dead, she'd argue with me, like "You've been here this whole week!" I felt like here she was, while Dad was dying, still trying to get in-between me and him just like she had when I was a kid. My husband speculated later that she was getting jealous that Dad was getting all my attention.

The day after my husband and I got home, they started calling wanting to know when we'd be back to pick up our share of his stuff. They say they need to hurry because they need to get his house cleaned out and sold right away. Can't I at least have a couple of weeks to grieve before I have to do that? Plus I missed a lot of work, and I have the kind of job where if I do that, I have to then work extra hard catch up with everything when I get back. My mom and sister both don't have jobs, and don't seem to understand that I have to make that a priority as well, and they're going to have to wait until I can afford to miss more work before I can come back.

So... . these kinds of things sometimes bring families together, but in my case it just made me even more sure that my mom is never going to change, and I probably did the right thing going NC with her. We were NC for about a year and a half before this happened, and I think it gave me the needed break from the relationship so that when I did see her again, I could put things in perspective and see what was really going on without too much FOG.

But how that NC has been broken with her, I might have some limited contact with her from now on. I think I did an OK job standing up to her and doing what *I* wanted to do (spending as much time as possible with Dad) rather than what she wanted me to do (go to his house and help go through his stuff before he's even dead yet).

Though it looks like my sister is even more under her control than before. On Thursday morning my husband and I went to the hospice, and the nurses told us his death is imminent. My husband and I both tried calling my sister telling her she needs to get here right away, but Mom was with her and kept delaying. Around noon I called again, and they said they decided to have lunch first. The next time I called it was to let them know he had died. The nurses came in asking when we'd be ready for them to take his body to the funeral home, and I told him I wanted them to wait until my sister was there to see him one last time. Took an hour before they finally got there after that. So sis only got to spend a few minutes before Mom wanted them to go ahead and get this funeral home thing done with so she could go back home. I kept thinking "why are you even here at all?"

I hope my sister still has a chance of recovering even if Mom doesn't, but I don't see that happening while she's still under this much influence.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry for your loss, Gerda. 

I hope your dad died in peace, knowing you were there by his side. You were able to be there when he passed, and I imagine that must have given him such comfort.

At times when we expect the greatest amounts of empathy, our BPD sufferers seem to show it even less. It makes the passing of loved ones doubly hard. We deal with our own grief, meanwhile they create a sideshow that makes it hard for everyone to be close and connected.

I'm glad you focused on what you needed, and were able to stay with your dad. It sounds like your husband was also able to support you so that you weren't alone.

My favorite grandmother passed away and my uBPD brother created so much drama it made it difficult for everyone. He refused to be in the hospital at the same time as me, and wouldn't come to my parent's house if I was there. He got so angry at my grandmother for not giving him a dumb knick knack in her will, so from her deathbed she ordered a duplicate and that made him even angrier because it wasn't the same quality. On and on.

But I was able to have some lasting, loving memories and I'll cherish those forever. Would it help your healing to focus on similar moments you might have had with your dad, things you were able to say to him before he died perhaps? Or moments when you felt he could feel you or hear you, even if it was hard for him to talk?

Maybe it was comforting to him that it was you there by his side when he passed, and only you. A blessing that your mom and sister weren't able to get there in time, even.

Take your time to grieve and when you feel tense toward your sister and mother, give yourself extra permission to slow down and feel your way through things. In my family, there was always so much chaos and drama with my brother, and I regret letting him rent space in my head. Sometimes I think it was convenient to focus on him because then I didn't have to let the sadness wash through. But I loved her so much I stood up for myself and visited her by myself, just the two of us.



LnL

[beatup]

My thoughts & prayers are with u... . so sorry... .

Hospice does offer grief counseling for free... . maybe u can look into that.

I was with my Dad when he passed away too, without uBPD sis or pd step monster. I do wonder if he died with me while it was quiet and peaceful... . without all the drama that pd people cause... . if he chose his time.

I support your choice to keep vlc and not go to the house until you are ready.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm so sorry, Gerda. 

It's good that you were able to spend some time with your father and stand up for yourself. While I can understand where you're coming from, and why you'd be a little put out by your mother and sister's reactions, they're grieving in their own ways, which might be quite different from yours.

But how that NC has been broken with her, I might have some limited contact with her from now on. I think I did an OK job standing up to her and doing what *I* wanted to do (spending as much time as possible with Dad) rather than what she wanted me to do (go to his house and help go through his stuff before he's even dead yet).

How will things be different now? You've learned and grown in the time that you were NC. How do you think your relationship with your sister will be going forward?

Take care of yourself. 

[SweetJane]

Hi Gerda,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad about a year and a half ago, so I understand what you're going through. I can completely relate to your situation with your mother constantly trying to get between you and your father. My mother did the same to me and my two sisters.

I think it's so great that you were able to stand up to her and that your husband is supportive.

[coraliesolange]

My dad passed at the end of March and my situation sounds really similar so I really feel for the stress this has caused you.  I also think my mother was jealous of all the attention my dad was getting while he lay in bed unable to care for himself.  It's really sick   The last night my sister and I were taking turns, one of us AWAKE and watching him and one of us napping because he was vomiting and unconscious.  Our mom came in and told him he smelled like piss, then laid there for a while, then told my sister she was wide awake and my sister could sleep for a while.  She proceeded to fall right asleep and woke us up like an hour later... . "Get in here your dad got puke on his face."

I doubt if either one of our mothers is capable of empathizing with another person.  Sometimes they can pretend, but they can't actually do it.  They both said and did horrible things to our dad while they were most vulnerable then created a circus when we were grieving.  It's a really hard situation and I'm sad to hear that you've been going through something so similar to what I am.  Do what you need to do for YOU.  It isn't about HER.  If you need NC then do it.  You're an adult and your life no longer needs to revolve around your mother.  The only time in my life that I've had any peace were the times she wasn't in it so I understand that too!  It's YOUR life

[Gerda]

Thanks for your support everyone. I have a bit of an update.

Weekend before last my husband and I drove back to help go through his things and decide what to keep or what goes to the estate sale. Dad left everything to my sister and I 50/50, but left it to us to decide how to divide things up. Of course my mom and sister were there, along with my uncle (dad's bro) and aunt (uncle's wife).

My husband's parents, being nice people, also came thinking they could help out with things like packing.

We seemed to all agree that the most fair thing to do would be for my sis and I to pick out what we wanted from his belongings, and then come up with an estimate of the monetary value of what we picked out, and if one of us ended up with stuff that was worth more, the other would get more money out of the selling of his house and other belongings. Since my sister still lives with our mother, and I have a house with my husband, I ended up picking out a lot more things to keep, like tools from the garage, kitchen equipment, etc. I thought that's what Dad would have wanted. Before he died, he even specifically mentioned some of the things he had that he thought I could use. It seemed like a waste to sell things at the estate sale that I was going to end up buying myself some day anyway.

Well, I thought that was all going to be fair and equitable and AVOID drama, but it ended up CREATING drama instead! Things went fine at first, but as the weekend wore on, my mom and sister got more and more agitated. I was keeping a list of every single thing my sister and I took from the estate, and its estimated used selling price (often looking things up online to see what it would go for) to keep track of how much I owed her, and by Sunday my sister was angry that I was "treating her like someone you're just doing business with, not a sister." Of course my mom got all involved too with "how dare you act this way?" and so on.

But I knew that if I didn't do that, she's be angry that I took more stuff than her without compensating her, so really it was a lose-lose situation.

Mom also accused my husband and in-laws of stealing things from the house and sneaking them into their car, while they did nothing of the sort, and we even offered to let them search our vehicles if she doesn't believe us. Which they didn't do.

Meanwhile, I caught sis sneaking an expensive camera into her car. When my husband and I called her out on it, she said it was something Dad told her she could have before he died, and she just never had a chance to pick it up. Well, he also told me about a few things I could have before he died that I also never got a chance to pick up, but I had to compensate my sister for those things.

Eventually tensions reached a breaking point on Sunday, and somehow we all got into a screaming and yelling fight. They started verbally attacking my in-laws, who as far as I'm concerned were innocent bystanders, and my husband stood up for his parents and started yelling back at my mom and sister, and then my sister threatened to call the police on us to have us kicked out of "her" house. My uncle said that's ridiculous, nobody needs to call the police, but we left soon after that anyway. We were done packing up my share of the stuff by then anyway.

When I told my therapist about all that, he said he thinks it would be a good idea to have little to no contact with my mom and sister for a long time. He was especially concerned about the threats of calling the police. He said "your husband doesn't sound like a hothead" but people with BPD have been known to "provoke someone into doing something illegal" and we don't want that to happen. I know what he meant, that my mom was trying to get my husband to actually hit her, so she'd be justified on calling the police on him. I told my husband about what my T said, and he said actually that sounded like wise advice, because at the time he could tell that was what my mom was trying to do, though he resisted. Though he is afraid they could try to find something to sue us over.

Well, my T said one good thing that has come of this is that my husband and his parents now got to see for themselves how bad my family is. My MIL used to ask how Mom's doing, and try to encourage me to call her, and after that fight happened, she took me aside and said "I see what you mean!"

My mom and sister have pretty much demonized my husband at this point. They have decided that its all his fault that our relationship isn't good, as if everything was fine until THAT MAN came along.

[P.F.Change]

Gerda,

I am sorry I somehow missed your original post about your father's passing. I'm so sorry for your loss.   I am also sorry things went so badly with trying to divide his belongings. I think that is a stressful situation for anyone, and adding a PD or two to the mix certainly seems to exacerbate things.

My MIL sounds similar to yours. It is one thing to think someone might be a little "off" and quite another to actually witness them in a full-blown rage. It sounds like your MIL may have had a  moment.

How are you feeling about your therapist's advice to limit contact with your mother and sister?

[Cassy]

I'm very sorry for you loss. I haven't had the chance to read your second post but am going to come back to it. I'm still sort of stuck on the fact your mother and sister went to lunch before going to see your father.

[Gerda]

How are you feeling about your therapist's advice to limit contact with your mother and sister?

It feels good, actually. Validating! After years of people telling me that NC should be your very last resort, and I should do all these things to learn to tolerate their behavior because they're family, they've finally gotten so bad that I don't think anyone (besides them) thinks I should talk to them anymore. Not my friends, not my husband, not my in-laws, probably not even my uncle and aunt. My therapist said that he used to think I might be able to manage some sort of relationship with them, "with a LOT of hard work," but "at this point they've crossed too many lines."

It's like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

I'm very sorry for you loss. I haven't had the chance to read your second post but am going to come back to it. I'm still sort of stuck on the fact your mother and sister went to lunch before going to see your father.

Yes, that was pretty bad. I guess their excuse was that through this whole ordeal we'd been told several times that "his death is imminent" and then he'd go on to live a few more days. But the day he actually died I was trying to explain to her over the phone that it's different now. I could tell everything else had shut down and his body was just struggling to breathe at that point, doing this weird "snoring" thing (I guess that's the so-called "death rattle"?).

But Mom was in no hurry to get over there. My husband speculated that she didn't want to see him die, so she talked my sister into delaying until I finally called them up to let them know he had passed. When I called, my sister answered, and I told her he just died. My sister yelled "Mom! Turn off the TV!" I could hear the TV in the background, then Mom asking, "did he die?" in a tone of voice that sounded like she didn't care that much.

Then when my sister finally made it there, she only got a couple of minutes to say goodbye before Mom was trying to get us to rush to the funeral home so we could get the death certificate taken care of ASAP because she wanted to get that over with. (And it turned out we didn't even need her there.)

This actually makes me feel sorry for my sister. If she ever gets out from under Mom's spell, that's the sort of thing that's going to haunt her later. I'm really grateful I was able to spend the time with Dad that I did during his illness without mom's influence. It wasn't as much time as I would have liked, of course, but at least it was on my terms instead of Mom's.