When boundaries are misconstrued as punishment...

[Valley Quail]

Has anyone ever had the experience of putting up healthy boundaries to the BPD, and were then told you were punishing them and now they want to retaliate against you? If so, what tools did you use to help the situation? Thanks so much... .

[Pilate]

In my experience with family members who have difficulty with boundaries, I find the less I say about my boundaries and the more I live my boundaries, the less direct push back I get.

If someone pushes on one of my boundaries, I say something brief to validate the feelings underneath the guilt or boundary pushing: "I know it's hard when we don't stay over night at your house when we visit." Pause. "I am glad that we can come up and visit for the day. We are lucky to be in driving distance of each other." If the person keeps pushing, then I say that I've discussed this already, and we need to move on or end the conversation.

I found that if I said or wrote something like, "If you X, I'll Y," that was a sure-fire way to encourage significant boundary testing, if not outright confrontation. Another item I have worked on is understanding that boundaries are about me and my actions not what the other person does or says to me. I can only control my own boundaries and actions. If I create a false boundary for myself, "If you X, you'll have to Y before I Z," then chances are good that negative engagement is the result.

Again, I say less now and do more. Boundaries are about my actions--my doing.

Do you have a specific boundary, VQ, that you are working on?

Pilate

[Valley Quail]

That is really helpful. Thank you so much. I had been working on the boundary of being taken advantage of. My mom lives a few miles away & I'd go over during set days and times 3x a week to visit and help her around the house. It was consistent to make her feel secure.


Her birthday was around this time-a big trigger so I tried to remember that, overlook things and be extra patient & understanding. Despite being with her 3x (10-15 hours) a week, she started contacting me at all hours. She wanted me to drop everything for every whim. I was patient and kind. We agreed I would help her when I came the next day.


When she wanted to talk about mismanaging tens of thousands of dollars and was scared I would get mad and abandon her, I didn't do either. I reassured her that it was okay, that money could be replaced, we couldn't be, and helped her with a budget. I tried to give more ideas for things that would soothe her fears and make her feel better. She was grateful, though she continued contacting me at all hours & pushing for more and more. I felt she was taking advantage of my kindness. ( How many 37 year olds go over to visit and help their parent 3x a week? But I wasn't doing enough in her mind.)


My kindness, patience and tips weren't helping, and she pushed for more once again. It was scheduled for me to be over the next day so I replied "Can we do it tomorrow? Today is my day off." She agreed at first, then stated "I'm feeling punished" and all about how she was going to cut me out and didn't want me helping her anymore. I tried to point out facts (big mistake I see now.) She asked for help with the panic of losing me. I tried again to reassure and give helpful tips that could prevent issues and ideas to soothe or divert her attention from her fears.

I mentioned that it was a month with her birthday, which can intensify things and that maybe it would be best to reconnect afterwards. (In my 18 years of dealing with her BPD, I've noticed the fears and behaviors go down to a tolerable level after the birthday or holiday.) I also told her she was doing a good job and tried to reassure her. She agreed it would be best to reconnect in a few days after the birthday.

But before those days could pass, on her birthday, she started railing against me. I was bad again. She had an emergency that she wanted me come over for, which turned out to be a lie and a maneuver for power. I was trying to have cooperative communication about coming over, silly me & that didn't work. I stated "You're not cooperating, I'm sorry I can't help you." (with the "emergency"  I see now that was the total wrong approach.


Since then, she has been railing against me with power over, and trying to engage me in an argument. I'm not engaging in the argument, so she tries to do more to punish me. She also says she doesn't want to talk to me for a year and until I do xyz. Then she'll either try to contact me for an argument again and again or give the silent treatment. And I made the mistake of reading 2 of of her really hurtful, lie-filled emails.


I'm scared but am really glad to learn of the great techniques you gave. I sincerely apologize for the long post. Thank you very much for reading it and for your great recommendations. 

[Pilate]

Wow! You have a full plate, and it is clear you are a supportive and loving daughter. I'm sorry that your mom's illness gets in the way of being able to fully and consistently appreciate everything you do for her.

It sounds like you do a lot for your mom. Are you doing as much as--or more--for yourself? The situation you describe sounds very hard on you. From what I have read from others on this site, when you set a boundary for yourself, "Mom, I can come over and help you on Thursday. I love you! See you Thursday!" it is important to stick to that even when she tries to get you to change. She is uncomfortable (and it's okay for her to be uncomfortable). She is trying to get someone else to do something, so she doesn't have to be uncomfortable. This happens in lots of situations--work, school, home--and in all families, but when the person has a mental illness or other serious issue, it makes it much, much harder.

Have you tried turning off your phone or waiting 24 hours to return a call? If your mom starts blowing up your phone, texting non stop, or emailing, this is a behavioral response to get you to cave and pay attention to her. Could you send a brief text or email, "I got your messages. I will be over on Thursday! I love you." Without the voice contact, it might be easier to reiterate your boundary, let her know she is loved, and still let you have space and time for yourself. It also means that your change has been noticed, and you have probably made a good change for yourself--in the long term. In the short term it is awful to go through.

It's like when we start a new routine with a child. They often start having bigger, stronger negative responses to a new routine because they are trying to see if we will follow through. The behavioral term is extinction burst and the longer a behavior has been in place, the longer and bigger the extinctions bursts will be. However, with consistent responses, there is usually some change, but it is slow.

It is great that you see patterns to your mom's behavior, VQ. I think there is something empowering about this awareness and it helps as you noted when trying not to internalize her hurtful--and untrue--projections about you not doing enough. I'm sorry your mom says such things to you. It's hurtful, and it's not fair.

Keep posting and take a look at some of the lessons on the right-hand side of the screen. There are many resources in the Workshops section of the site, too. There is one called Boundaries: Living Our Values that might be helpful for you. Here is the link, I hope I post it correctly: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Pilate

[Valley Quail]

Hi Pilate,


    Thank you for your response. I appreciate your understanding and validation so much. I am doing as much and/or more for myself as for my mom. Through trial and error I have learned that important lesson. Thank you for caring. Thank you also so much for understanding that it's hurtful and not fair. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me or understood that.


   Your information on how to phrase boundaries, mentioning how it's like starting a new routine with a child, and how it's okay for her to be uncomfortable are so awesome. I will be filling my tool box with all these awesome new tools because she may not ever be able to change, but I can.


   I appreciate you, thanks so much Pilate.

-VQ