All Twisted

[FigureIt]

I've made my decision to leave in 3 or so months.  During the summer as to not cause my 8yr old too much stress/drama etc.  I live with my uBPDbf and we own a house together and he has made it very clear that if we don't work out my child and I are to move.  (He's also made some legal threats about how i'd owe him money, but i looked into that for my protection and they aren't true.)

So last night I am awoken at 2AM (this is the 1st time he has done this to me, other then when drinking & out late) 

He tells me "he can't sleep."

So, I ask if I was talking,

"no, he's worried and can't decide about a job offer he may recieve." 

And, since I haven't asked since Monday about it, then according to him "I don't care... . " 

So then I have to get into a discussion on I do care, why can't you just have a conversation with me?

So he tells me that he will work this new job part-time in addition to his current job, if we aren't going to work out.  So we get to the point where it's going to end and I'll move out in July.

BUT, he keeps talking and going on about the job.  So I brainstorm good and bad for him and tell him "I can't make the decision!  It is yours to make, not mine."  That was what he want... . Me to decide and I refused. 

He still continues to talk and how "he loves me... . , wants us to be like before... . , etc."  He rolls over to hug me and I lay there and say "I'm confused!  We just ended everything and now not!"

At 4:30AM he has decided he is comfortable and secure and now we are together and can go to sleep. (yet I have to be up in 2hrs.)

This AM I get a text to agree to leave our mistakes in the past... . Well, I've made this agreement before and he hasn't kept it.  Also, I ask for him to go to counseling and he claims he did on Monday, which deep down I know is a lie.

As I see it... . I keep with my plan to move, take my time to find a great place for my child, and keep the best face forward and do what makes me happy. 

Because, I know there is going to be a flip back... . sooner or later?

[heartandwhole]

Hi FigureIt,

It's hard and I can understand the confusion when everything feels twisted – that is so frustrating, too.  It seems that you've been down this road before, and you know that one or two therapy sessions does not a healing make. 

Does he get to decide how you and your child will live?  What do you want, and how do you want to live? 

If there is still hope, that's okay.  We're done when we're done, and not a minute sooner.  I encourage you to focus on you, though.  It's the only way through this.  We're here for you. 

[willy45]

Hi Figureit,

I know exactly how you feel. I have been down that road so many times. The break up conversations, the yelling and screaming, and then the 'let's press reset' or 'let's leave that in the past and move forward' only to have her bring up things a few days later that happened years before. Don't be fooled. It isn't going to be left in the past. If anything use the past as the best representation of what the future will be. That should be your roadmap. Don't live in a fantasy world that your bf is creating. You know it is not realistic.

The fact is, I am still dealing with this kind of logic 1.5 years out. I have been NC for a year and she calls to tell me she wants to move forward with me in life (only has a friend because our relationship was 'the most terrible thing she ever experienced'... . even though she constantly wanted to marry me... . ). She wants to just forget the past and move forward and somehow I am the crazy, immature one for not being able to do that. No apologies for how she treated me. No acknowledgement that I am still in pain. Nothing. Just, let's move forward. Let's be best friends.

It is maddening. And there is no logic there. Don't fall for it.

[GreenMango]

Please talk to a lawyer if you are planning this breakup.  You have shared assets, child support and other issues at play.  Post on the legal board about the property division and moving out... . look out for your son and your well being in this respect.  And his delusions on what will happen and what you are going to do could very well look different than he believes.

A slow detachment can help you let go too.  If you are set on leaving what does you plan look like?

[FigureIt]

Thank you so much for the support.  I know it is just a matter of time before things revert back. 

Actually I sat down with my uBPDbf last night and asked questions of his treatment of me and explained how I felt.  He made a statement of how "he is a bad person."  I said me telling you how I feel is not to say you're a bad person.   He seemed to take it well.  I told him he needs to get into counseling to talk about "why he thinks he's a bad person." "Why he doesn't like himself", etc.  But he seems to believe he can fix it on his own.  Which I know is not true so it is just a matter of time until he reverts back.

I think he truly wanted me to just forget, move forward all lovey again. 

I have consulted a lawyer about the house and my child is not his so that doesn't play into the move, other than my ex-husband will give me "crap" when I move, because my ex is a narcissist.

[GreenMango]

One coping skill that people with BPD tend to have is called 'undoing'.  It's to behave ultra welln or loving, after an episode of bad behavior in an effort to undo the damage or to convince oneself the destructive behavior isn't relevant.  It's not a behavior exclusive to BPD but it is a poor coping mechanism in an immature relationship relating style.

Would you stay if he was in therapy putting in effort?

[FigureIt]

GreenMango you asked if I would stay if there was therapy.  I don't know.  I would definitely consider making an effort and trying to work at the relationship.  It's just exhausting.  Loving someone isn't suppose to be this difficult.

There have been moments of the "undoing" but then it is back to the usual.  I guess I never really let myself see how "selfish" he is/was.  I always accomodated and enabled.  So yes I am to blame for allowing his behaviors.  I just don't want this for my entire life. 

On sat. I did something for myself and went to a family function.  Which he claimed was okay with him.  Around 10:30 I received a text from him telling me he wasn't coming home for the night.  So, I stayed out a bit later then I planned (but noone was home.)  Except when I got home he was there and then gave me a hard time for staying out.  It's all a mind game, and my mind it too exhausted! 

Unless "his needs" are always being met... . I'm not given peace!

[FigureIt]

Also, last night he says he's gonna go stay with his parents.  I'm just too exhauseted to fight, argue, explain, etc.  So, I say okay.  He begins packing and then states he's taking one of the dogs... . (which doesn't like new situations & other dogs too much and his parents have a dog, also he never takes care of the dogs only feeds them 2x in a week of 14 feedings.) 

I told him no, you're not taking the dog and he argues.  It is not the responsibilty of his parents to care for the dog, etc.  Finally, I just say "Get out!"  What does he do?  Unpack and stay.

So, his whole gradious gesture of leaving to "get some space" was a test... . which in his mind I failed because I didn't "fight for him... . "  Again mind games and mental exhaustion!

[GreenMango]

That's pretty common.  It's a throwing down of the guantlet. 

When someone picks fights it's a way to resolve uncomfortable feelings.  It's really destructive for a relationship and really exhausting.

Going to see your family (the people you love) is important.  These relationships cam be pretty isolating if you let them. 

Since you are living together it may help to read up on the staying board lessons.  They are geared towards communication and boundaries so that when you interact you aren't actively engaging his conflict. The side benefit is they provide clarity if you are trying to develop a plan to leave. 

Have you been nailing down your plan?

[FigureIt]

Yes, I've been working on my plan.

I have started packing non-essentials and things not noticed and looks like organizing.

I've consulted a lawyer and am getting my financials all organized and set, etc.

I'm also get counseling for my child to assist when it does happen.

[GreenMango]

On of the paths to leaving is slow detachment.

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Have you read this article?  Does this seem doable?

[FigureIt]

I had not read the article.  It does sound doable and there are definitely things in the "detachment" process I need to do.  That would be the stage I am at.  I have very supportive family and friends who are helping me with whatever I need.

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".  This is very hard for me.  You want to explain why you hurt, why you're not wrong.

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general.   I have done this, but he makes it about him and how he feels this way and has more life stresses etc.

It just seems everyday there is something.  Yesterday, I found he lied to me (about something stupid) but why even lie.  I don't even say anything about the lie, what's the point?  He would deny and spin it back on me somehow.

[Mutt]

Yes, I've been working on my plan.

I have started packing non-essentials and things not noticed and looks like organizing.

I've consulted a lawyer and am getting my financials all organized and set, etc.

I'm also get counseling for my child to assist when it does happen.

I FigureIt,

It sounds like you are getting things prepared. If you have not done so, I would strongly recommend reading Bill Eddy's book Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist.

- M

[FigureIt]

Thank you Mutt I will definitely look into that book.

When you are detaching, but still living there and trying to make it seem normal how do you be "normal"?

He got some news of some very elderly family members not doing well (although not surprising news, it was a matter of time), anyways he sits and mopes.  I am sorry, but it is a part of life and it does not directly affect him.  But, he plays the "poor me."  I really don't know how to respond, without sounding cold, other than to say "I am sorry about the news you got and that "blank" is not doing well."

I just wish it was a year later, I'm settled in a new place with all of this behind me.  Wow, I am such a cold -itch!

[Mutt]

You're welcome. I'm sorry FigureIt, it's tough when you are still living together. 

This article can help you with the Detachment phase.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

[FigureIt]

Yes, I did read that article.  It was very helpful and I have bought the book to read.

It just feels like torture!  Today, he's down and he says "I'm beat up!"  How?  He's not terminally ill, poor, destitute, uneducated, etc. 

I am pathetic at "detaching" I would say, since we are in the same home.  It's like watching a rain cloud be in the house. 

[Mutt]

Yes, I did read that article.  It was very helpful and I have bought the book to read.

It just feels like torture!  Today, he's down and he says "I'm beat up!"  How?  He's not terminally ill, poor, destitute, uneducated, etc.  

I am pathetic at "detaching" I would say, since we are in the same home.  It's like watching a rain cloud be in the house.  

Detaching is hard FigureIt. I went through the opposite, she left. That tension and anxiety is extremely difficult. I understand.  GreenMango gave good advice. Talk to an L, slowly detach, look out for you and your son.

You're right. It doesn't make sense what he said. You articulated it well, it's like you have a rain cloud in the house, but you have to be ready to ignore that cloud for now. It's emotionally exausting stuff.

[FigureIt]

What about in regards to the ailing relatives.  The one is in the hospital (not a parent) and could possibly pass.  Tonight he went to the hospital and when he called I asked if he wanted me to come in to the hospital.  He said "No", I double checked and asked again.  Again he said "No."  I realize that this is not detaching, I just feel bad, although not much I can do if I go.  I just know there will be a rage, probably this weekend in regards to not going.

I don't like trying to figure out the rules when the rules are always changing... .

[Mutt]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I know that feeling. I'm not sure how old your son is, maybe take him out for something age appropriate this weekend if your bf goes into a rage? Go for a long walk, go to the park, a movie.

Do you have boundaries in place with bf , when he gets like that?

"Bf, when you are acting this way, or treating me like this, I'm going to step away from the situation, I need my space"

[FigureIt]

When my bf rages it is usually after being out for 6+ hours of drinking. I do usually do some with my child on the weekend, cuz the bf isn't around.  This weekend will be a bit easier too cuz my sister is in town.

Am I truly a _itch for sort of living "normal" while I make all my plans? I feel guilt, but on the other hand my parents say I have no reason to feel guilty.  My bf consistently tells me lies, last night at dinner he says he wants us to work & is talking about us, but then a call interrupts (which is his son & nothing important), he takes the call & completely drops the conversation, then he "inadvertently" texts me a response to a past girlfriend who has supposably found out about his relative in the hospital.

Again rules are always changing... .