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Author Topic: I feel like I had to rip out my own heart  (Read 958 times)
Ihope2
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« on: April 03, 2014, 08:18:08 AM »

Just the other day I introduced myself in the "Staying" section.  Now I am posting in the ":)ivorce" section. 

After 11 months of marriage to my BPD husband, I can no more.  On April 27th, we would have been married a year.

I am beginning to see what a textbook case of "Codependent - Borderline" we have been.  We only met in February of last year, and by April he was moving in with me and we eloped to get married.  Such a whirlwind, make-believe false reality we both lived in.  I did see the red flags, but I chose to ignore them.

I thought he was suffering from Complex PTSD from the most terrible childhood abuse, plus initially he told me he had ":)epression".  2 Months into our marriage, he was hospitalised as he seemed to have a nervous breakdown, and was diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder.  He was constantly thinking about suicide at this stage. He was put on mood stabilising medication and tranquilisers. He was on maintenance medication for his opioid deficiency (ex heroin addiction, 2 years clean).  He was under psychiatric and psychological care.  And yet, things seem to go from bad to worse.  He would either confide a lot of his past abuse and trauma in me, or he would shut me out completely for days on end and lock himself into a spare bedroom. 

He used sleeping pills and tranquilisers to knock himself out of consciousness, and it really hurt to think that my newly married husband was finding life with me so unbearable... . that he could not even bear to be in a waking state when I came home from work, or over a weekend.

I felt so alone, and yet I tried everything to find help. I read reams of information on the Internet, I bought books, I booked counselling sessions for him.

I released my savings money for him to try to start a small business. 

It all seems so pointless now. The money disappeared into a black hole and was never accounted for.  And he  became more and more angry, agitated, depressed, unhappy and blaming me for not loving him as much as he loves me. For not advising him on how he should "do life".  For not being his personal mentor and life coach. For not acting like a wife, but instead acting like a psychiatrist and doctor (I would amongst other things, make sure he takes his meds on schedule twice a day).  He hated the fact that he was "losing himself".  He ate junk food and drank litres of fizzy cola and put on weight. 

He lay around the house watching TV all day, grumbling about the fact that we don't have satellite TV.

Over weekends, he would take the car and disappear to the mall, leaving me at home to keep myself busy, go for a jog, clean the house, read a book, etc. I ended up relishing this time alone, as it would be the only time to myself that I had!  I was not even free to go out on my own, he was convinced that I had to stay at home over weekends to "work on our marriage".  Even going for a once a week couple of hours walk with my sister on a Saturday morning, became a big bone of contention to him and he would sulk the rest of the weekend.

He would text message and email me the entire day while I was at work and expect immediate answers.

And nothing I did for him was ever enough.  I started burning out towards the end of last year, November.  I struggled to explain to him that I also need some down-time, some time alone. That I could not keep up with his constant demands.  He took this as a great affront and a great personal attack and abandonment.  He ended up in the psychiatric hospital again in December for one week (before my annual holiday started!).  And then over December, we blew all my Christmas bonus money from work.  It was still a miserable holiday, and he was so angry about life and convinced that I was on the verge of divorcing him, when in reality, I was not yet thinking along those lines.  But I was heading for total nervous collapse! 
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Ihope2
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« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2014, 08:41:26 AM »

Sorry, I was not done yet and mistakenly pressed "post"!

So in January, we had yet another crisis:  my burnout state was getting worse and he landed up back in the psychiatric hospital for the third time in a year!

I am giving a very condensed version of the past 11 months. A lot more has happened.  Never any physical abuse.  But I see now how my husband is a high-level emotional blackmailer.  I was being emotionally manipulated at every turn. And I let it happen.  I had no boundaries to speak of, and I was consumed by my sense of duty and obligation towards my husband and his wellbeing.  All the while, I was going downhill fast.

By mistake, we had defaulted into the marriage regime, where it is "in community of property".  We married so quickly, and we missed the deadline for registering an Antenuptial Contract, to state that we wanted to marry "out of community of property".  So I was in the process of applying for a Postnuptial Contract, after the fact, to amend the marriage regime.  My husband said he agreed with this initially, as he realised that he had brought nothing of material value to our marriage and he was also not earning an income.

However, his agreeing to this, soon became distorted and angry and bitter. He said I did not trust him, that I was obsessed with money, that I was just acting according to my own deceitful agenda, and that once the Postnup was in place, I would divorce him and leave him with nothing!  Even though we asked for a clause to be put into the Postnup, that in the event of either of us requesting a divorce, he would receive a settlement lump sum and monthly maintenance from me for a period of 2 years!  And I am not a wealthy woman, I earn an average professional person's salary. I do not live an extravagant life. 

So finally last week, he said he was instituting divorce proceedings.  Quite suddenly.  And then the next day, he said that I should take over the divorce proceedings and take it to "my lawyer" (the same one doing the Postnup for us)!  So I said I would do so!  And that was that.  I was blindsided into doing what is probably the healthiest thing I can possibly do for myself.  Get out of this highly dysfunctional marriage relationship.  Start taking care of myself and not sacrificing my life and sanity for this very damaged and mentally unstable man.

I am still shell-shocked by how quickly this has now come to pass.  On Saturday, he moved out of the house into a guest house in town. On Tuesday, we both signed the agreement. Under great protest by him, I may add.  This morning, the sheriff of the Court served the divorce summons on him.  He has again been protesting and wanting to contest everything and take me to Court over this. But he has very limited money and no fixed abode in this town.

He has no reason to stay living in this town now.

And in amongst all this drama, and anger and vitriole and blustery accusations of me being the biggest liar and the biggest deceiver under the sun, he still claims to love me like no other.  And never did he want to divorce.  And he does not know what he did wrong.  Why is he always the guilty party?  Why is he always betrayed and shunned and banished by others?  Is it because they are rich and have access to money and therefore have power over him?  Why, when all he ever did was to try and please me and do everything the way I wanted it?  Why did I kick him to the kerb so suddenly?


He does not understand at all what my reality looked like in this marriage.  How I was giving giving giving, and he was taking taking taking.  And that was according to him, what my role as his wife was supposed to be.  I was supposed to be his emotional caretaker, his lover, his mother, his  only lfriend (he said that he did not need anyone else in his life besides me), his mentor, his financial provider, his listening ear 24/7, his scape goat for everything that ever went wrong in his past,etc etc. 

I am filled with grief, remorse, loss, sadness, anger, self-recrimination, despair, loss of joy, misery.  I feel so misunderstood and abused. 

This marriage was stillborn, before it even had a proper chance.  All my hopes and dreams and expectations of a quiet, companionable, loving and joyful life together with my soul mate, have been shattered.  I am going to have to grieve this loss.   I feel like I had to rip my heart out of my own chest.  I had to take the most drastic decision and turn my back on this man, to whom I had sworn my undying allegiance almost a year before.

I feel like the abandoned one.  I feel lost and alone and so misunderstood.  I only meant to love this man, and look what became of it all.
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Ihope2
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« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2014, 08:53:40 AM »

And something I will never in my life forget, is to have another human being, for whom I have felt such strong feelings of care and attachment, and who I thought felt the same for me, look me in the eye and say to me:

"That bullet that goes through my head to blow out my brains will have your name written on it".

And who put the following choice before me and demanded me to answer it:

"I have two choices here:  either I can hate you and fight you and fight for my half share of your property. That way I can still make some sort of life for myself.  Or, I can give up and sign the divorce papers and go and end my life.  So you choose, Ihope2, which of these two choices do you want me to make?"

How mentally disturbed is a person to say something like that to another human being?  How much unresolved hurt, pain, anger and hatred is there residing in that person?  How much loss and abandonment must they carry around with him at every waking moment of their life?

I will never forget those words and the utter desperation and despair behind them. 
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« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2014, 10:11:32 AM »

Ihope2, I am so sorry that all this has happened.  He, unfortunately, is incapable of feeling any empathy for you or understanding his behaviors have anything to do with the divorce.  He is a perceptual victim. 

As to the suicide threats, call 911 if he makes comments/threatens suicide.  They are trained to handle these situations.  If he is serious, he gets help; if it is a manipulation, he learns that you respond by sending first responders to check on him. 

Have you considered getting a therapist to help you through this?   
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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2014, 12:24:53 PM »

Ihope2,

My ex is also bipolar, BPD, and has substance abuse issues. This is not a personality type that's easy to be married to, and it's not an easy type to divorce. I agree with catnap about getting a therapist. Good advice, too, if he talks about suicide: call 911. 

It sounds like there is a good chance your H is going to make an attempt on his life, end up back in the hospital, or target you in some way. Even though he did all of this in the marriage, he will make you think the divorce (that he asked for) caused it. Rationally, it is clear he is troubled, but emotionally and psychologically, it's much harder to process the cause and effect. Especially if we are susceptible to feeling guilty, which many codependent people are.

If you plan to stay in the house, I would also change the locks. Even if he has not been physically abusive, he is not someone with good boundaries and you don't need to come home and find him on your couch after attempting to overdose, or whatever he might do to try and hurt you.

It might also be a good idea to pay close attention to your credit report. Make sure he cannot use a credit card that you are liable for, and talk to your insurance company about the best way to get him off your policy. Sometimes they encourage you to wait until the divorce is final.

The divorce is going to keep triggering him. He will obstruct and delay every step of the way. Strategize with your lawyer about how to deflect this as much as possible. For example, have consequences written out clearly in your divorce papers if there are to be any. I gave my ex the house, and had to take him to court several times for obstructing the refinance. I wish I had put something in the decree that said, "N/BPDx has 12 months to refinance. If he doesn't, then he must pay for any legal fees incurred to bring this matter to court beginning on date/month/year. Or something like that. Whatever makes sense for your situation.

Many BPD sufferers will do whatever they can to stay negatively engaged. If you spell out the consequences for not complying in the documents, it makes it much easier for the judge to rule in your favor, within parameters you find fair. Court tends to stir up adversity, and then tries to avoid conflict, which can mean multiple continuances and nothing but grief for the party that wants to move on and be done with it.

There is a book called Splitting: Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy that many of us here recommend. A lot of it has to do with custody, but the general gist will give you a sense of how BPD and court tend to mix. Eddy was a therapist before becoming a family law attorney, and understands high-conflict personalities very well.



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« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2014, 01:18:31 PM »

Likely, if you had a PI investigate his past you'd find other relationships he has started and later destroyed.  Don't think you're the only one.  So what that means is this:  Don't guilt yourself overmuch.  He's really messed up.  He's also a manipulator, user and con man but not nearly as slick as he thinks he is.  That's his 'profession'.  Likely he walked from someone else's life into yours.  And he'll wriggle into someone else's life next.

He's used all three against you: "F.O.G." ... . Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Don't feel any qualms about doing whatever you need to do to protect yourself legally.  As for his emotional blackmail that if you don't accede to his demands then he'll suicide, well, he's an adult, you can't live his life for him, for your own self-protection you have to Let Go, let him fend for himself, don't let him pressure or manipulate you as he waltzes out the door with your assets.

Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - Carver, PhD

Loser, user, abuser, whatever... . let him go while simultaneously protecting yourself and your assets.  When he tries to manipulate you to feel sorry for him, just remember, he's manipulating you, don't fall for it.  He's a user, a jerk and worse.  Sad, but true.  Get a lawyer who works just for you.  Let the lawyer be aggressive to protect you financially, while you recover emotionally.  And if he tries to guilt you, just let the lawyer take the heat, that's what lawyer are paid for, to protect you even if you find it hard to protect yourself.
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« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2014, 03:03:35 PM »

Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - Carver, PhD

Loser, user, abuser, whatever... . let him go while simultaneously protecting yourself and your assets.  When he tries to manipulate you to feel sorry for him, just remember, he's manipulating you, don't fall for it.  He's a user, a jerk and worse.  Sad, but true.  Get a lawyer who works just for you.  Let the lawyer be aggressive to protect you financially, while you recover emotionally.  And if he tries to guilt you, just let the lawyer take the heat, that's what lawyer are paid for, to protect you even if you find it hard to protect yourself.

Carver wrote a good line from one of the other articles on his website: "Loving sharks doesn't stop you from getting eaten when you're dripping blood into the tank."

He's shown you who he is, believe it and protect yourself, Ihope2.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Ihope2
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« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2014, 05:27:59 AM »

Thank you for the kind replies, Everyone. 

We live in South Africa, we do have a type of "911" emergency helpline here, but things don't work so efficiently in our country at this time.  Our "10111" line is sometimes known to ring and nobody picks up.

I am in therapy at the moment.  I have been for a few weeks now.   It helps.

The house and everything belonged to me, he left his set of keys behind when he moved out on Saturday last week.  The only thing he could do is camp out on the driveway outside the boundary wall.  Or hop over the wall and camp out on the lawn.  I sincerely hope it does not ever come to this. 

He was very reluctant to comply with the requirements to institute divorce proceedings during this past week, but at the end of the day, he did comply with all the steps.  He stayed at the temporary address he gave the lawyer, and he took receipt of the summons document.  Now by SA law, he has 10 working days to contest it. He will not have the money to seek private legal help, so he may go to a free "Legal Aid Board" for those without money.  But that would mean, he would have to hang around this city and pay for accomodation. He does not have much money and he is not working.

It seems to me, that there have been two sides warring within my husband:  a good side, that wants to live with integrity and do the ethical thing; and a bitter, hurt and twisted, angry, raging side to him that wants to hate me and punish me and take as much from me as he can.  There is definitely a narcissitc element of "entitlement" in his thoughts and feelings and actions.  But in this past week, I have seen the two sides warring against each other within him.  I have read text messages that have been so sad and resigned, and have said that he knows he should just bear the loss and walk away doing as little harm as possible.  And then at the next moment, he emotionally dysregulates and sends bitter vitriole my way again via a message to say that it is easier to hate me, and that I have betrayed him, etc.  So he will take the matter to court.

I know I am still very vulnerable, very enmeshed with him at this stage, and still in my codependent mode of being, so I am reminding myself to protect myself.  But, I am also so desperately sad for this man.  I would not label him as a "jerk" or a "loser". He is a damaged, ill man.  His pain knows no bounds. He is incapable of experiencing joy and peace of mind.  He is unable to enjoy what a great percentage of the human population can, the greatest gift of all, a healthy, loving relationship with others.

I wish him well on his path. I pray for his protection.  I wish him loving kindness.  He seems so unaware of the pain and harm he inflicts on me.  He doesn't know what he has "done wrong".  To suffer such lack of insight, such blindness, is a cruel affliction. 

I pray he goes on his way, he always said he hates the city and he wants to move to a small place in the country where nobody will bother him.

I hope he gets to book a bus ticket to some such place.  I hope he finds some semblance of peace.  I cannot afford to continue obsessing about what will become of him, where he will go, how he will survive.  I am preparing myself for a phonecall from a stranger somewhere to say that they have found my soon to be ex-husband's body.  I am sounding as dramatic as he does now, but I feel the need to prepare myself for any eventuality.

May the Higher Power be with him and protect him.  I am letting go.
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« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2014, 12:48:22 AM »

"All my hopes and dreams and expectations of a quiet, companionable, loving and joyful life together with my soul mate, have been shattered."

I know how you feel.  That's all I wanted, too.  Not a lot to ask, is it?  You seem to feel a bit guilty.  It is not your fault.  You wanted what we all want.  Mental illness stole it.
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Ihope2
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2014, 03:45:31 AM »

Yes Momtara, exactly as you say. I feel A LOT guilty about everything. That is at the core of my problem. I am a codependent of note.

I feel so responsible for the destiny of my loved ones.  This script was being written for me from the start of my dysfunctional childhood.  My mother has always been a looming presence in my life. I have had great engulfment vs abandonment issues arising primarily from her, but also from my rather "absent parent" biological father.  I have led my life being a people pleaser, and seeking validation by being of service to others.  I have had poor and weak boundaries, and have either isolated myself so that my boundaries don't get violated, or else I have been totally sucked into enmeshment and unbalanced relationships to my detriment.  I have been like a leaf in the wind.  Who is the real me?  What does she want for herself?  I am only beginning to face these questions now and I am turning 45 years in September!

My therapist has highlighted my self-punitive streak.  I tend to beat myself up about "failing" others.  Even if I was suffering enormously at their expense!

I have drawn the line in the sand.  I cannot live my life like this any more. I want to embrace a healthier, more authentic and honest way of living.

No more rescuing!  I want to climb off the Drama Triangle.  I have been trained my whole life long to be the perfect Rescuer.  I have attracted Victims and Persecutors to me my whole life.  NO MORE! 
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momtara
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« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2014, 09:36:52 AM »

I'm 43 and have a mentally ill mother and face the same codependency issues.  I still talk to my exH a lot rather than just cutting him off, out of guilty.  SO many of us have these things in common. 
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toomanytears
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« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2014, 06:22:08 PM »

It seems to me, that there have been two sides warring within my husband:  a good side, that wants to live with integrity and do the ethical thing; and a bitter, hurt and twisted, angry, raging side to him that wants to hate me and punish me and take as much from me as he can.  There is definitely a narcissitc element of "entitlement" in his thoughts and feelings and actions.  But in this past week, I have seen the two sides warring against each other within him.  I have read text messages that have been so sad and resigned, and have said that he knows he should just bear the loss and walk away doing as little harm as possible.  And then at the next moment, he emotionally dysregulates and sends bitter vitriole my way again via a message to say that it is easier to hate me, and that I have betrayed him, etc.  So he will take the matter to court.

Hello Ihope2.

Your post resonates. I can completely understand how quickly you were hooked. Similar thing happened to me - married in three months. The main difference is that I stuck with my BPDh for 31 years. I don't know if I'll ever get my head around how I spent so long married to a con artist.  I thought he was my soulemate but he was not. He just conned me plain and simple so he could dominate and oppress me. The healing is slow. It's two steps forwards one step back. In January I thought I'd got through the fog. But as it lifted I saw what had really been going on all those years and it has set me back a while. I'm gaining ground again but it's slow.

Like you I am just struggling to focus on me now because only when I know myself can I be free of him. 
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Ihope2
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« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2014, 04:27:09 AM »

The awakening as to what has actually been going on in this relationship is very painful!  And I have only had 11 months of it!  How people have endured decades of this type of relationship, I cannot fathom! 

I have come to realise that I was settling for a very low level of honesty with my soon to be exBPDh.  I kind of knew in my heart of hearts that he was not being as honest as I wished him to be, but I was probably using defence mechanisms like denial, and cognitive dissonance to explain and excuse it away to myself and others.  I remember thinking "He has come from a highly dysfunctional past.  He has told me things from his life, where he was acting very dishonest and fraudulent. BUT, I can see that he is really trying to make amends now and he is trying his best to be as upfront as possible with me... . that is better than how he was in the past, so it is at least something good!".

This just shows how I was so prepared to settle for veru little.  I was ok with substandard levels of honesty!  I was very forgiving of him when he pulled the wool over my eyes about a lot of things, most specifically money dealings!  And it was only my money we were using, as he doesn't have any of his own and he doesn't work for a living.  He is  actually a professional sponsor seeker! He says he does motivational speaking and endurance walking against drug abuse, but he expects people to donate money to him at every turn and put him up in nice guesthouses and fete him for his tragic tales of woe that he tells them about his life.

I am a person who expects nothing for nothing.  I hold down my job, I earn my keep. I do not expect handouts and favours from others.  I would rather give charity than be at the receiving end of it.  I would scrub toilets if I had to to earn my way.  My husband has been very happy to sit around the house all day watching tv and moaning about his life and how everyone has done him wrong.  He is the eternal victim who expects others to pay for his misery.

Now how did I come to accept this type of attitude? It goes against my very grain!
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« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2014, 09:13:43 AM »

I am a person who expects nothing for nothing.  I hold down my job, I earn my keep. I do not expect handouts and favours from others.  I would rather give charity than be at the receiving end of it.  I would scrub toilets if I had to to earn my way.  My husband has been very happy to sit around the house all day watching tv and moaning about his life and how everyone has done him wrong.  He is the eternal victim who expects others to pay for his misery.

Now how did I come to accept this type of attitude? It goes against my very grain!

A lot of non-BPD partners tend to have codependent traits. Good qualities that, taken to excess, can create a lot of suffering for us, especially if you have weak boundaries and are living with a boundary buster. A book that helped me understand my own behavior was Melody Beattie's New Codependency:

Excerpt
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie introduced the world to the term codependency. Now a modern classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self-help literature and endeared her to millions of readers who longed for healthier relationships. Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have become entrenched in mainstream culture. Now Beattie has written a followup volume, The New Codependency, which clears up misconceptions about codependency, identifies how codependent behavior has changed, and provides a new generation with a road map to wellness.

The question remains: What is and what is not codependency? Beattie here reminds us that much of codependency is normal behavior. It's about crossing lines. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. Feeling resentment after giving is not the same as heartfelt generosity. Narcissism and self-love, enabling and nurturing, and controlling and setting boundaries are not interchangeable terms. In The New Codependency, Beattie explores these differences, effectively invoking her own inspiring story and those of others, to empower us to step out of the victim role forever. Codependency, she shows, is not an illness but rather a series of behaviors that once broken down and analyzed can be successfully combated.

Each section offers an overview of and a series of activities pertaining to a particular behavior -- caretaking, controlling, manipulation, denial, repression, etc. -- enabling us to personalize our own step-bystep guide to wellness. These sections, in conjunction with a series of tests allowing us to assess the level of our codependent behavior, demonstrate that while it may not seem possible now, we have the power to take care of ourselves, no matter what we are experiencing.

Punctuated with Beattie's renowned candor and intuitive wisdom, The New Codependency is an owner's manual to learning to be who we are and gives us the tools necessary to reclaim our lives by renouncing unhealthy practices.

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« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2014, 10:59:30 AM »

And something I will never in my life forget, is to have another human being, for whom I have felt such strong feelings of care and attachment, and who I thought felt the same for me, look me in the eye and say to me:

"That bullet that goes through my head to blow out my brains will have your name written on it".

And who put the following choice before me and demanded me to answer it:

"I have two choices here:  either I can hate you and fight you and fight for my half share of your property. That way I can still make some sort of life for myself.  Or, I can give up and sign the divorce papers and go and end my life.  So you choose, Ihope2, which of these two choices do you want me to make?"

How mentally disturbed is a person to say something like that to another human being?  How much unresolved hurt, pain, anger and hatred is there residing in that person?  How much loss and abandonment must they carry around with him at every waking moment of their life?

I will never forget those words and the utter desperation and despair behind them. 

I feel your pain. I am divorcing my wife after 4 months of marriage, but we've lived together for 3 years and been together for 5. I can only explain what happened as a snap back to reality. I realized what the hell I was doing and how I would be the care-taker for the rest of my life and I said no. I can't take it anymore. I said I won't be abused anymore emotionally and psychologically by her behavior and then flip around and make excuses and believe her excuses that she just can't help the way she is. I don't have to put up with anything anymore. My wife is getting served tomorrow night and I know it will be really bad and traumatic for her, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. I have to live for myself and have a better relationship with myself.

I've signed up for therapy, bought books, and am going to try to attend some CODA groups in my area. I am not going to allow this cycle to continue anymore. In 2014, I am going to be more selfish and take care of my own business and needs. I am going to try at least. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
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Ihope2
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 318



« Reply #15 on: April 15, 2014, 04:14:10 AM »

Be strong SamsungUser86.  Blessings on you and your spouse.  I don't know what can help these badly damaged individuals.  All I can do is focus on my own wellbeing and keep my soon to be ex BPDh in my prayers.  There is no going back for me.  Only going through, out, and forwards towards healing and positivity and calmness and joy. 
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2014, 04:27:31 PM »

I thought my exH had c-pstd too.  In fact, his shrink told him he has pstd.  I would write more about my situation, but have to run and deal with kids.  I know how it hurts with these guys who are alternately sweet/loving and then awful and controlling.  I stuck it out with my xH for six years and pushed for the dream of kids and a happy family until things hit the fan and I had to realize it was out of my control.  I walked on eggshells a lot to keep things sane, but it became impossible.  I got married late and had met so many creeps when dating that I thought my xH was a godsend and I was the cause of all the problems.  He has his sweet side, but he has a sick side.
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