Cardinals in Flight
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« on: April 04, 2014, 08:52:04 AM » |
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I'm finally hopeful after a couple of years that I'm successfully breaking the cycle of recycling the "un" friendship with the XpwBPD. In retrospect, I used to believe that reaching out was "me" and that I wanted to not give silent treatment as I had so often been given over the 3 years being involved with the pwBPD.
I think in looking back, which seems is all I've done since finding this site two years ago, and peeling back the layers of my childhood etc, that pain and chaos seem familiar, and when it felt like I was going to loose that, ie, XpwBpgf, it made me panic somehow. My profession was crisis/911 oriented, I LOVED IT! It's been difficult transitioning into a desk job where the biggest crisis is loss of Internet access, My entire life has been one crisis after another, it's my life, doesn't seem extraordinary but I do realize it is what I'm drawn to easily.
When I would try NC in the past, that feeling I would get, ( which admittedly I gave in to), of guilt or feeling sorry for the X, longing, missing whatever, it was withdrawal. Even though I know that contact of any kind leads to pain eventually, I would still break NC. Crazy I was!
This woman treated me like dirt under her feet, regardless of BPD, I can't do that anymore. My heart says that everyone deserves love, compassion, companionship, and so forth, but we mere mortals are ill equipped no matter how much insight or understanding of the one wBPD that we have. As an intelligent, high funtioning person, she really is doing the best she can to work, and take care of herself. I know she felt attachment to me because in one way or another I always fixed whatever the rift so she could return, but not this time. The only avenue she has is my front door and I truly believe she will not have the nerve. There was brief, recent contact where I did relay some serious events in MY life, one my mother, and one being my passion in life being disrupted, there was ZERO interest, and only a glib remark or two before changing the subject back to her awful job and her interests, etc. Yeah, I get that she is disordered, but I also see how well her "friends" other than me are treated, and I just cannot participate as door mat, beck and call friend any longer. NC is difficult AND it's painful, but by cutting off access there is less and less anxiety knowing that call, text, or email isn't coming, and although I was not currently a FB friend, I knew from comments dropped that my page with public posts were read, that avenue has also been sewed up.
This is hard stuff, it's disconcerting to know that pain/chaos is what helped me to stick it out so long. Sometimes I feel really down on myself for the "wasted time", yet I know without that time the reasoning wouldn't have become so real to me, and made sense. I like answers to problems, I like to communicate openly, and it does not work this way with a pwBPD. I have good relationships with many many people, (this also was huge bone of contention, she couldn't stand that part of me) and issues when they do arise are resolved and forgotten. I used to see myself as a failure for not being able to work ANYTHING OUT with her. I often, way too often apologized for things I didn't understand, and even that did not work. This makes me sad, but I do see it all more clearly than I used to. I've never ever left a rs in this way, I'm good friends (reciprocal friends) with all of my past relationships. I know when she withdrew early on that my strong hold and trying too hard exacerbated the issues. My insecuritires were high and I think they were SO HIGH because instinctually I knew she did not love me as I loved her and I knew she was going to leave and there was no "always" as she proclaimed early on. I wanted to be the stability, the constant, to love her regardless and show her not everyone is a runner, but I have to love myself more and stay out of her life. I do love her very very much, we had wonderful times and made beautiful memories. And I just will love her in my heart, and let her go, it's the best I can do.
CiF
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