Addiction and understanding?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm finally hopeful after a couple of years that I'm successfully breaking the cycle of recycling the "un" friendship with the XpwBPD.  In retrospect, I used to believe that reaching out was "me" and that I wanted to not give silent treatment as I had so often been given over the 3 years being involved with the pwBPD.

I think in looking back, which seems is all I've done since finding this site two years ago, and peeling back the layers of my childhood etc, that pain and chaos seem familiar, and when it felt like I was going to loose that, ie, XpwBpgf, it made me panic somehow.  My profession was crisis/911 oriented, I LOVED IT!  It's been difficult transitioning into a desk job where the biggest crisis is loss of Internet access,    My entire life has been one crisis after another, it's my life, doesn't seem extraordinary but I do realize it is what I'm drawn to easily. 

When I would try NC in the past, that feeling I would get, ( which admittedly I gave in to),  of guilt or feeling sorry for the X, longing, missing whatever, it was withdrawal.  Even though I know that contact of any kind leads to pain eventually, I would still break NC.  Crazy I was!

This woman treated me like dirt under her feet, regardless of BPD, I can't do that anymore.  My heart says that everyone deserves love, compassion, companionship, and so forth, but we mere mortals are ill equipped no matter how much insight or understanding of the one wBPD that we have.  As an intelligent, high funtioning person, she really is doing the best she can to work, and take care of herself.  I know she felt attachment to me because in one way or another I always fixed whatever the rift so she could return, but not this time.  The only avenue she has is my front door and I truly believe she will not have the nerve.  There was brief, recent contact where I did relay some serious events in MY life, one my mother, and one being my passion in life being disrupted, there was ZERO interest, and only a glib remark or two before changing the subject back to her awful job and her interests, etc.  Yeah, I get that she is disordered, but I also see how well her "friends" other than me are treated, and I just cannot participate as door mat, beck and call friend any longer.  NC is difficult AND it's painful, but by cutting off access there is less and less anxiety knowing that call, text, or email isn't coming,  and although I was not currently a FB friend, I knew from comments dropped that my page with public posts were read, that avenue has also been sewed up.

This is hard stuff, it's disconcerting to know that pain/chaos is what helped me to stick it out so long.  Sometimes I feel really down on myself for the "wasted time", yet I know without that time the reasoning wouldn't have become so real to me, and made sense.  I like answers to problems, I like to communicate openly, and it does not work this way with a pwBPD.  I have good relationships with many many people, (this also was huge bone of contention, she couldn't stand that part of me) and issues when they do arise are resolved and forgotten.  I used to see myself as a failure for not being able to work ANYTHING OUT with her.  I often, way too often apologized for things I didn't understand, and even that did not work.  This makes me sad, but I do see it all more clearly than I used to.  I've never ever left a rs in this way, I'm good friends (reciprocal friends) with all of my past relationships.  I know when she withdrew early on that my strong hold and trying too hard exacerbated the issues.  My insecuritires were high and I think they were SO HIGH because instinctually I knew she did not love me as I loved her and I knew she was going to leave and there was no "always" as she proclaimed early on.  I wanted to be the stability, the constant, to love her regardless and show her not everyone is a runner, but I have to love myself more and stay out of her life.  I do love her very very much, we had wonderful times and made beautiful memories.  And I just will love her in my heart, and let her go, it's the best I can do.

CiF

[Allmessedup]

Your post rings true to me on many levels!  It sounds like you have come a very long way!

I am just coming to grips with a lot of these things myself... . the addiction to the pain and the chaos was hard to see.  I have been working thru The Betrayal Bond and have found it hugely enlightening in this regard!

Letting go with such grace is a beautiful thing 

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for sharing your reflection CiF.  "Breaking the cycle" is a huge achievement, and maintaining "no contact" is a gift you are giving yourself.

Are you familiar with Pema Chodron, author of books like, "When Things Fall Apart"?   She has this saying that I really like:  "Feel the feelings.  Lose the story."    For a long time (and even now) I have been stuck telling myself that my relationship was star-crossed true love.   I felt this deep connection with my ex -- even though the day-to-day relationship was mostly volatile and unsatisfying.  The "story" I tell myself has kept me stuck.

It helps me to read other people's stories like yours.   It makes me step outside of myself.  Thank you for sharing.

[LettingGo14]

I have been working thru The Betrayal Bond and have found it hugely enlightening in this regard!

AMU, I very much agree that the book is excellent.  It is clearly written, and I identified with so much.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thanks you all! And yes, LG14, I'd had someone read that to me

In another post I wrote of my denial and the posturing with myself and her.  I knew deep down that it satisfied her on some level to know that I did indeed want more from a rs with her, she knew Iwas hooked and loved her.  I even found the courage to admit that to her, and went so far as to imply that I'd forego a sexual rs just to be with her, I loved her that much.  But honestly? That kind of self-restraint and denial would lead nowhere good.  I knew admitting I wanted more would be my form of closure to myself, maybe even to her as well, I'll never know as there's been silent treatment since that time.  I miss her, but I do not miss the anxiety of waiting to see which person was contacting me, or with whom I'd meet up on any given day. My trust was broken long ago, and cannot be regained.  I'm not lily-white, there were times I'm sure I added pressure when I should've remained silent, but I was tired of being put on a back burner and waiting my turn.  I suppose a little bit of the old me is rising up and that's a good thing.  I'm worthy of much more.

CiF