Getting there?

[Allmessedup]

So I apologize in advance for what will likely be a long post... .

My ex and I have been broken up for almost 13 weeks now after a 3.5 year relationship.

I am NC.  And in all honesty the break up has been Hell. 

On the advice of these boards I have spent a lot of time looking deep into me, my FOO issues and what all prompted me to stay in a relationship that I can see now was so destructive to us both.

A series of odd events have happened to help facilitate that understanding.

My sister flew in and stayed with me during my daughters surgery.  We had a lot of time to talk and together we went thru our childhood trauma.  We were a house divided, me living with my UBPD mother and her with my father.  Growing up we hated each other, but rebuilt our relationship as adults and she is my best friend.  It was enormously enlightening to hear her reality and how it differed from the craziness of my mothers home.  Many lies that were told to me as a child were uncovered and that alone helped me see things as how they really were and what impact that had on me and consequentially my adult relationships

In another post I shared how I suspected my ex was suicidal.  I was able to work thru that and my reaction to it with a lot of introspection and help from these boards.  I am not wanting her to commit suicide, but I also have accepted that I am no longer in a position to help her nor do I want to be if I am completely honest.  I feel more ambivalence than anything else.

Sure I miss her, but I realize I miss the dream we shared most of all.  She may have started the fantasy with all the mirroring and attention, but I wanted it badly to be true... . and I believe so did she.  But it was a relationship that was hugely fragile.  We built that relationship on a dream, not reality.

When I look at why I got involved with her I can see that I was in a vulnerable place in my life... . I likely needed that fantasy more than she did.  I have been working thru the betrayal bond book and see that this has been a pattern for me in most of my relationships.  I see that I keep searching for the love, attention and validation that I never got from my mother.

My relationship with my ex is so indicative of recreating that betrayal bond.  And I placed her in the position of my mother in my life.  I very much was all three corners of the triangle... . the victim, the rescuer, and the victimizer with both of them.

It is hard seeing that... . really hard to look at sometimes.  It was much easier to make lists of all the horrible things she did and get angry.  And I needed to do that too, because a lot of what she did was horrible.  But I did horrible things to.  I played my own role in the dance... . and I began dancing because of what was lacking in me!

I have searched my whole life for someone to validate me so I could feel good about myself.  I wanted someone to love me so that I could know I was worthy of being loved.  I depended on her and others approval so that I could approve of myself.  And to achieve this, I compromised my morals  I erased my boundaries and I tried to control everything to make it happen.

But I found these last few weeks that I don't need to do any of that.  I can make my own decisions and feel validated, I can uphold boundaries and still be loved, I can let go of everything and still be happy with the outcome.  I can share who I am, what I think, and how I feel and still be accepted simply because I am who I am.

I can be alone and still be content.  I can ask for and receive help without a price tag or feeling inferior.

Basically I found I can be happy with just being me... .

I spent a lot of time analyzing and reanalyzing my relationship with my ex.  I spent a lot of time vilifying her (and my mother) in my head.  I spent a lot of time worrying over what might or might not happen.  I spent a lot of time journaling angrily and sobbing hysterically.

But the one thing I did not do was try to avoid it.  I wanted to, but I knew if I did nothing would change.

I still have a long way to go... . but I feel like the best part of my journey is just ahead of me.

This was never really about her... . it was all about me.  Why I became involved, why I let go of myself, why I tolerated the behavior, why I reacted the ways that I did. 

All those roads lead back to me.  And me is something that I can improve... . the only person in the world I have control of is myself... . and I suppose I have realized that in order to really love someone I need to love myself first and foremost.

So... . after this long winded post I am looking for insight and challenges to further grow from all of you

[talithacumi]

Really wonderful and moving post, allmessedup - thank you so much for taking the time to share what you're going through.

Insights and challenges.

Seems to me you've made the first, and unquestionably most important insight already. That despite the inordinate amount of time spent analyzing your ex, the relationship/life you had with them, blaming/vilifying them, casting yourself in the role of the hapless victim - in the end, you realized it was really all about you the whole time.

For me, simply being able to realize that was the the first indication that this experience was changing me for the better. That I was starting to see myself as something more than incidental, an observer, a tool hoping/waiting to be of use to someone in some way. That I actually had substance, meaning, agency, and value. That I was a person. That I effected others as much as I was effected by them. That I always had, too.

I think it's really good that you're also digging in and doing the really hard work now of figuring out, not only what attracted/made you attractive to someone with BPD, but also allowed you to have an actual working relationship with one for over 3 years. There were a lot of really important revelations for me in that process. A lot of really deep guilt, shame, and pain. A lot of much-needed catharsis. And more empowerment, motivation, and true ability to change than I'd ever had before.

The challenge is not to let yourself get so overwhelmed/consumed by what you're learning that you end up feeling even more shame, guilt, and self-loathing than you already do. To give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack. Take time to look at and truly appreciate all the many wonderful things you are - the skills, abilities, interests, accomplishments, feelings, thoughts, experiences you've had because of who/what you've been all this time - not the least of which is what you're doing now.

It's all you. And it's all pretty darn amazing.

When you find yourself (and I'm sure you will - we all do from time to time!) suffering, frustrated, and made hopeless by some perfectly rational should - like, "It's been 3/9/12 months already, I really should be over this now; wth is wrong with me?" - take a deep breath, and change that thought to a wish - something that's a little less critical/a lot more helpful - i.e. "Man, I really wish this kind of stuff didn't bother me as much as it does." Wishes are ever so much supportive and easier to let go of than shoulds.

Thanks again for sharing. It really does take so much longer, and so much more time/effort than we'd like it to. Hang in there. You're doing great!

[Allmessedup]

Thanks taili

It's been an amazingly hard journey and I often think I *should* be over it by now.  I mean really I never hurt so much.  I like rephrasing that with the word *wish* and I have realized this isn't some normal breakup! but definately an addiction I am overcoming.  That helps too.

I was able to stay in a relationship like this for so long because I gave up essentially who I am.  I allowed myself to lose all my ideals of how a healthy relationship looks for the "fairy tale dream"

That I so craved.  I let go of my boundaries, my wants, my needs.  In working thru the betrayal bond book Ilearned my addiction to this relationship hurt my family relationships,my spiritual one and my emotional relationship with my self .  Powerful and important things to sacrifice willingly.

There is a whole lot left to sort thru in regards to that as you said, guilt, shame and pain.

Your post left me feeling uplifted though... . and I thank you for that. 

I still have a lot of work to do... . but I am very proud of the progress I have made.  It's been a long time since I was really proud of myself and it is happening more often now. That has been a huge blessing to me:)

Thank you for showing me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Amu

[heartandwhole]

I played my own role in the dance... . and I began dancing because of what was lacking in me!

Love this.  Boy can I relate!

I have searched my whole life for someone to validate me so I could feel good about myself.  I wanted someone to love me so that I could know I was worthy of being loved.  I depended on her and others approval so that I could approve of myself.  And to achieve this, I compromised my morals  I erased my boundaries and I tried to control everything to make it happen.

Yup.  Count me in, too.

You are doing great work Allmessedup, thank you for sharing this.  I found it hard, as well, to realize how desperate I was to control my environment.  To see that my behavior was tinged with fear and a hope that it would ultimately get me what I needed, which was to be loved, too.  All the hoop-jumping and adapting to the other left me empty of myself.  And that really hurts.

The challenge for me now is that even though I've learned a ton, have detached from the relationship, and have moved on in many positive ways, there is still a habit of ignoring my own emotional needs, especially since I'm not in a relationship right now.  It's as if I need to "bounce" my feelings off of someone to know what I want and need, which leaves me dependent on what they want and need, if that makes sense.  I know this is normal in many ways, I certainly don't want to be an island unto myself     but I do think there is work to be done there.

Although often very difficult, I think looking at ourselves in a new and profound way is really the adventure of a lifetime, and ultimately positively influences the people around us.  Thanks for reminding me of that.   

[Allmessedup]

Thank you heart and whole!

Your post resonates with me!

I realize now how very dependent I became on her and like your self. All the hoop jumping and adapting left me empty of myself!  And it DOES hurt!

I realize just how much I let her control/influence my opinions.  I wore my hair a certain way because she liked it that way.  When she would go shopping with me she would immediately approve or disapprove of whatever I was looking at and that would make my decision on my purchases.  Hell, if she wasn't with me  i would text her pictures of whatever outfit I was looking at to get her approval.  If I bought something without her knowledge she would look at me and say "well I haven't seen "THAT" before... .   And that was it... . like I shouldn't have bought it without prior approval.

The funny thing is that she used to say she loved how decisive I was and what good taste I had but as time passed I was left with the inability to choose even clothing for myself. 

I wonder sometimes how exactly that happened. How did this descisive confident girl end up not even being able to decide if I liked a pair of jeans without her approval?

It was in fact a huge role reversal.  She used to not know how to do make up, or dress in anything other than jeans and gym shoes yet here she was defining my own sense of style for me?

And it wasn't just about clothing, or hair... . it was about so many things.  How to manage my household, how to raise my kids, what exercise to even do. 

I have been in several relationships before, some good,some bad.  But never have I lost myself and my ideals so completely before.  Never have I changed so much for someone to the point that I didn't even recognize who I am anymore.

I hate that part the most.   I couldn't have told you what my wants and needs were if you paid me then ... . but I so didn't see that!

So I still find myself struggling with that a lot.  I went and got my hair done without her for the first time a few weeks ago.  And now I try to intentionally style it in a way that I like... . but it's hard.  I went shopping, something that I usually love and kept finding myself drawn to the clothes she preferred on me vs what I liked  and that too was hard.  Went to stupid bath and body works to buy shower gel and although I did pick a new scent, I Also came home with the one she liked... . go figure.

And in fact I find that is when I miss her the most too... . when I am confused over what to do about a situation, or I am sick.

I hate that I still crave her approval even now... .

But I survived my daughters surgery without her help.  I have been sick a few time without her help... . I have made decisions without her help.  I have gone shopping without her help.  It's not easy... .   But I am doing it.  I am learning again what I like want and need.

And my hope is that in time I will be able to find that girl who did things for herself again.

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa.  I have never connected with a thread as strongly as I do this one; I could have written everything everyone wrote.  Just whoa, and thank you AMU for starting it.  

There's so much that is accurate for me that has already been said that I don't have much to add, although I too am doing heavy betrayal bond work, and I wholeheartedly agree with Tali who recommends taking a break and taking it easy on ourselves as we go down this path.  We're not going to "fix" ourselves in two weeks after a lifetime of a given belief system, and I am aware of and don't like the presupposition that we're broken; what seems to be working for me is to take it in little chunks while I'm taking very good care of myself, and already I've noticed progress, a calmness I've rarely felt before is more accessible now.  I'm likening it to learning to play piano, which I've been doing for years now.  At first it seems like the learning is difficult and I'm not getting any noticeable results, but they sneak up on me, and a few weeks or months down the road I get a flash of a comparison of where I started to where I am, the contrast and the progress, and it feels really good, although I didn't see it coming.  And that noticed progress motivates the heck out of me.  What better place to apply that to than my entire life.