Accountability

[Madison66]

The healing and detachment process from the b/u of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf has been an extremely painful, challenging, self reflecting, educating, rewarding, liberating, etc.  Changing the focus to "me" was probably the most important component in making decisions to leave the relationship, to do the work to dig in to my own issues that contributed to me being a willing participant in this past r/s, and in helping me to get to a point of empowerment where the energy from the r/s dissipated.  I could also see clearly that I was looking to the outside for love and acceptance, when I should have had that love and acceptance for myself inside of me.  That yearning for love and acceptance of my ex gf was unhealthy and contributed to me remaining in dysfunctional and abusive r/s.

Now, let's be real!  I let myself down and I sold myself short by participating and remaining in a dysfunctional and abuse r/s that never had a chance of fulfilling my needs.  I truly loved this person and opened my heart and life to her.  She hurt me, abused me and betrayed me, and I came back for more.  I gave and gave and gave and simply didn't take care of myself.  It was not fair that I didn't understand PD's/mental illnesses and I wasn't equipped to deal with what came my way.  For fear of being accused of being judgmental (by her), I did not hold her accountable for her behavior and how she treated me.  That was bullsh!t!  I will hold myself accountable for my actions and behavior, and will hold those in my life accountable for their actions and behavior.  I am a compassionate, loving and accepting person but I will never again give someone a "hall pass" to abuse or disrespect me or others due to mental illness or PD.  If they can take ownership of their issues and show remorse and desire to heal or resolve the issues, then fine.  Otherwise, they will not be part of my life.  Period. 

I understand this may not sound compassionate or that I may not have forgiven my ex gf for what went down.  She is an abuser and I will never allow her in my life again.  The also has issues that she may or may not be able to control.  Doesn't matter!  I will always be a bit self critical as I talk or think about the r/s and my role in it.  That is to help me keep the awareness of where I was at and also to remain in a "learning" mode to help extract every bit of learning and wisdom from a r/s that could otherwise be called a mistake.  I am a better person for what happened and my life is forever changed by what I learned about myself.  I will take care of myself so that I can be the best for those I love.  Period!     

[Sunny Side]

I understand this may not sound compassionate or that I may not have forgiven my ex gf for what went down. 

Madison, you sound very compassionate to me, compassionate to yourself.  IMO, this is a good, healthy and honorable thing.   

[Cardinals in Flight]

Madison, I could have, (and have) written your exact words!  Isn't it awfully illuminating to reach the point where we can actually admit to tolerating abuse? I cringe at times.

It's Friday night here in the East and I'm lonely, but? For a few moments of companionship there woulda been hours of pain to follow, and so I'm sitting quietly, reading and posting here and just "being".  It's WAY better than the alternative and I never thought I would reach this place.

Still have some detaching to do, still letting go.  Excited though for a new chapter in my life.

Hugs

CiF

[Want2know]

I will always be a bit self critical as I talk or think about the r/s and my role in it.  That is to help me keep the awareness of where I was at and also to remain in a "learning" mode to help extract every bit of learning and wisdom from a r/s that could otherwise be called a mistake.  I am a better person for what happened and my life is forever changed by what I learned about myself.  I will take care of myself so that I can be the best for those I love.  Period!     

It can be a painful road to this discovery.   

Keeping those red flags in mind, not just from our ex's behaviors, but ours as well, so that they are not repeated.

How are you taking care of yourself these days?

[Madison66]

Want2know,

How am I taking care of myself these days?  Let's just say balance, balance, balance!  Slowing life down to live in the moment is a practice that I have embraced.  Here are some other things:

Well, I continue to do individual T to work on issues I brought into the r/s.  My main work has been on fostering self love and acceptance.  Also, I am working on trusting my gut.  This is where my "true blue" truth resides and supports me.  Lastly, I've opened the doors to those areas of unresolved feelings from my r/s with my late alcoholic father.  All of these things greatly impacted my participation and behavior in the r/s with my uNPD/BPD ex gf.  I am finding great peace and inner love/acceptance through this work.

Physical health is of great importance to me.  I am concentrating on healthy eating, exercise, sleep and listening to my body.  My weight is down and my energy is up!  The connection between mind and body is so important to me.

Fun, fun and more fun: I'm doing those things again that I love like outdoor activities, gardening, house renovations, music, travel, reading, etc.  Life should be light hearted and I plan to keep it that way.

Relationships: I have renewed old friendships and started new ones with people who I share values, interests and history.  I've also worked on repairing some family rifs and am keeping in touch with my loved ones on a regular basis.  In addition, I have started a new r/s with a fantastic non PD lady.  Friendship is the core foundation of this r/s and we are taking things slow.  We enjoy each others company and it is wild how good it feels to be with a healthy person.  Lastly, I'm working on maintaining and deepening my r/s with my teen daughter.  We have always been close and I intend for that to never change.

Career: I'm starting to look at where I want to take my career in the next few years once I become and "empty nester".  No real pressure here, but rather some increased thought and exploration.

Spiritual: I'm exploring my own spirituality and finding great comfort in a better understand that my life is but a speck within the universe.  It is also helping me to maintain my belief in the "greater good".

Clearing my life of unwanted/unneeded chaos has also been a key to finding/keeping balance.  I'm sure I'll add more to this list in the future, but this is what is working for me today.  As I've posted in the past, I am living and seeing that by taking care of myself I can be the best for those I love! 

[Learning_curve74]

Great stuff, Madison66!