Lost

[arn131arn]

Well, I was doing great there for a while. I was feeling free and looking forward to the future, and getting more and more visitation with my son.

Something happened, and I don't know what or why. I didn't think her relationship would last this long with my replacement, and it's no longer considered a rebound.  I am starting to resort back to old feelings and believing what she said about me, that there really must not be anything wrong with her Bc she is good enough to have a strong relationship that is growing.

Maybe I'm in the depression stage, I don't know really. I no longer feel that spark or that I'm growing or making any real progress. It's just... meh, I guess.  I guess the reality that I will be painted black forever is indeed hitting home. That maybe those 14 years meant nothing to her, and that is sad Bc I did my best. I was not perfect, but damn I tried.

I have ex's and don't hate anyone of them, it's hard to fathom someone I spent so much time with, did so much for, helped creating a beautiful boy with, hates me. He looks like me, and I know she can't look in his crystal blue eyes and not see me, and I remember how excited she was when she was pregnant, all those memories down the drain.

Depressed... .

Arn

[seeking balance]

Depression is part of it Arn -how you cope with the depression is key for you now.

You know what I am going to ask next, right?

[arn131arn]

I am at work. Working behind this hitty ass bar about to listen to the same goddamn band I heard last Friday night. Just monotony and that's what my life has become... . so no chance of getting to a meeting SB

[arn131arn]

Is the depression stage the last stage? Jesus, I can only hope so... . then what?

[seeking balance]

A meeting when you are off work will be a good thing to help with the depression ... . see, I knew you knew what I would say 

Depression is tough when we are in it - I know the exact feeling you are describing... . it will pass, honestly, but until it does having a good coping strategy is important.

Are you working out DAILY? (endorphines help, so does the routine)

This is a big thing that helped pull me into action on my depression - Linehan writes about the goal of DBT is to create "a life worth living".

What does that look like for you Arn?  Putting some thought into that and putting a tactical plan together can aid in working through the depression.  Having a goal - what could that look like?

[arn131arn]

Tired, SB. Tired if constantly working. I get it and lose it. Tired of it... .

[seeking balance]

Tired, SB. Tired if constantly working. I get it and lose it. Tired of it... .

So... . be tired... . sleep, rest... . it is ok to be tired. 

Learning to be ok with the cycle - I used the phrase, "this too shall pass" often - still do.

The first line of The Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult... . "  sorta sums it up right now for you, huh?

Awareness is work in the beginning - freakin' exhausting work... . it will get more natural and easier, have faith 

[Skip]

I didn't think her relationship would last this long with my replacement, and it's no longer considered a rebound. 

arn131arn, not to minimize anything you're feeling, but its still a rebound relationship. This story has been written yet.

I remember how excited she was when she was pregnant, all those memories down the drain.

This hasn't settle out yet.

15 years is a long time.  This is hard.  There are a lot of down days when we grieve a loss like this.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Skip. Thanks SB. I'm down and full of fear. Don't know what it is.

The bag lady gypsy hippie freak sits down at the end of my bar 30 minutes ago. She orders a Sazerac, and pulls out Tarot cards and starts playing, hell if I know... . Tarot?

I ask her if she works near Jackson Square, a place filled with artists and tarot card readers, and Palm readers.

I love the different, these denizens of my realm... . always have. Quite fun to talk to and helps the time pass. We talk about her cards, she asks to read me one, I'm unsure, but will try anything once, right?

I pick a card and she tells me that the card reads intelligence, protective, and what I speak comes from my heart. Know idea What the heck is going on anymore, I'm in a trance, just being, breathing, but not noticing anything... . numb.

But I bought her that Sazerac

[Mutt]

I guess the reality that I will be painted black forever is indeed hitting home.

I'm sorry you're feeling down Arn. Depression can cause absolute thinking.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

― Corrie ten Boom

[day2day]

Just checking in, arn, to offer my support.

I hope you will be able to spend more time with your son and cultivate a great relationship with him. Remember, he's your son forever. He sounds like a beautiful child.

Remember when Mt. St. Helen's erupted? Total devastation. Bleak. Lifeless. And then, behold! Seeds took root and within a shorter time than many expected, seedlings began to flourish in the fertile ash covering the mountain.

Think of those ashes of your r/s not as death's residue but rather as fertilizer, my man! And see your precious son as one of the remarkable seedlings!

[Pecator]

Hey Arn,

I am right with you tonight.

Last week was getting so much better. I broke N/C with interesting results. I came away with astounding detachment. She didn't really change, but I really cared far less about the insanity. Thanks to this place, I could see the dynamic and really felt myself detaching.

Unfortunately I have a spigot of information about her that I can't seem to quit tapping.

Earlier this week she told a mutual friend that she is seeing concerns about him being a "workaholic" and actually said, "I can see why his wife cheated on him."

Perhaps that hooked some hope I am trying to let go. But the rest I learned sent me into a funk.

She reserved a very nice hotel in a quaint town to celebrate his last day before a 6-month sabbatical.

We planned to come visit you in N/O, because she said that she would love to see me there in in all my glory (I am greatly into music and the vibe of your city would be my Mecca)... . She is going with her brother this summer.

Tonight, she is meeting my replacements kids... .


I don't know why I feel like this tonight. I am confident that this is not a relationship that can work (I guess that is my hope I need to look at). I don't even hope for her back (almost).

I am not angry, crying or even that outwardly upset.


Tonight I am just "Tired and numb." Pretty sure not even N/O would make me feel any different.


This just sucks

[arn131arn]

Thanks D2D that was a great post. You brought geology and humanity together, very inspiring.

Pec, yeah it's fun but not my cup of tea anymore. I move to finish school in August. Been here all my life, so maybe I'm running... .

Don't know? She recycled me 40+ times. It's ingrained in my brain she is coming back and sub consciously I may even believe it. Can't deprogram right now. I hate where I am, was further out not to long ago.

Back

Sucks

[arn131arn]

Got a number from a cute girl. She's sitting for her CPA exam... . she will be back to see me tomorrow. Know I'm not ready for this, it will hurt her. This goes against all the previous commitments I made to not get involved with anyone at all.

I'm lonely. I am wearing a mask... . this is fake.

Maybe I have a PD.

But she's cute... . and for once, she's not a drunk.

Damn, why do I have to be here. I'm not well enough to do this. But I'm selfish. Damn selfish... . and she's cute and good at Math.

Dammmit, I suck at life

[Pecator]

Arn,

Bullshiete

My "ex" is wearing a mask tonight. She is wearing the mask that makes her very high functioning. It is a mask that will draw in the daughter as deeply as she has drawn in my replacement. But it is only a mask. I feel sorry for both of them when that mask proves to be so thin.

Sometimes I doubt myself. I think that perhaps I share the traits of my uBPDex. But then I remember the single distinguishing quality. She would never be here searching, admitting, sharing and trying to face the difficult challenges of our own darkness.

You have more posts here than I could possibly read. I have read many. You are not only walking through this journey, you are learning and helping soo many learn with and from you. That alone makes you something special.

You are not wearing a mask. You are normal. Not thinking in Black/white, but able to find some sunshine on a cloudy day. You are putting on a happy face not as a way to hide from everything, but because you still find hope... . some how.

Tonight is an inspiration to us all (well me in particular). The ability to not paint everything black, to hold hold tensions without spitting. To believe good things can happen even when we are not ready for them (or so we think).

Clearly, through your posts, you can be emotionally honest with this person without being cliché.

In a dark time, light came. Embrace it... . cautiously... . but embrace it.


And keep posting so I can live vicariously until I find my light.

[GaGrl]

And the Southern Belle speaks again...

"Tomorrow is another day."

(Another way of saying... . there are good days, there are bad days. We love you through it all.)

[arn131arn]

Arn,

Bullshiete

My "ex" is wearing a mask tonight. She is wearing the mask that makes her very high functioning. It is a mask that will draw in the daughter as deeply as she has drawn in my replacement. But it is only a mask. I feel sorry for both of them when that mask proves to be so thin.

Sometimes I doubt myself. I think that perhaps I share the traits of my uBPDex. But then I remember the single distinguishing quality. She would never be here searching, admitting, sharing and trying to face the difficult challenges of our own darkness.

You have more posts here than I could possibly read. I have read many. You are not only walking through this journey, you are learning and helping soo many learn with and from you. That alone makes you something special.

You are not wearing a mask. You are normal. Not thinking in Black/white, but able to find some sunshine on a cloudy day. You are putting on a happy face not as a way to hide from everything, but because you still find hope... . some how.

Tonight is an inspiration to us all (well me in particular). The ability to not paint everything black, to hold hold tensions without spitting. To believe good things can happen even when we are not ready for them (or so we think).

Clearly, through your posts, you can be emotionally honest with this person without being cliché.

In a dark time, light came. Embrace it... . cautiously... . but embrace it.


And keep posting so I can live vicariously until I find my light.

Dude, thank you.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Never had a relationship when I was sober.

I'm not saying this accountant girl is my next relationship, but I am going to call her, she talked to me for a few hours and had a HALF A GLASS of champagne.

I've never had half of anything... .

But screw it, I'm calling her