Where I am now ...

[talithacumi]

Back on the boards again after having taken a much-needed break that, not surprisingly, came right after I gave up and decided to go NC after 2-1/2 years of trying - and, of course, unvariably failing - to be the kind of friends with my ex-upwBPD he kept insisting he so desperately needed/wanted us to be.

That was over a year ago, and what a year it's been.

As a tool, one of the things NC does that I don't think gets nearly as much credit as it deserves is that it allowed me to finally feel safe enough to shift my focus away from everything he'd said/done and might say/do next so I could give myself over completely to addressing (with my therapist) the core issues that not only attracted/made me attractive to a pwBPD, but, more importantly allowed me to have a working relationship with one for well over 12 years.

It was a really long, and very painful process for me. Lots of questioning basic beliefs about who and what kind of person I was. Lots being really honest with myself about, not just the really bad things I believed/felt/thought, but the good things as well. Lots of truly startling revelations about just how obviously false, unfounded, manipulative, and abusive some of those beliefs/feelings/thoughts actually were. Lots of really long-held, constantly repressed, and deeply felt emotions to recognize, validate, feel, and process. Lots of tears. Lots of writing. Lots of much-needed catharsis. Lots of letting go. Lots of appreciation for who/what I really was (and always had been). Lots of empowerment with regard to me recognizing, owning, and embracing myself as inherently having substance, meaning. value, and effecting others as much as I was effected by them. Lots of mindfulness. Lots of radical acceptance and compassion - starting first with myself then ultimately (and most recently) for my ex-upwBPD - and all the many other people just like him to some degree - to whom I'd been previously programmed to very specifically appeal and serve.

I no longer see or identify myself as a fixer/rescuer/caretaker. I no longer project myself in terms of the potential use I might have to others. I am no longer attracted to people who have a use for me.  I find I'm also apparently not very attractive to people who are primarily interested in, looking for someone willing/able to be of use to them in some way either.

I see myself for the first time as, not only inherently loveable, but as being loved and truly deserving of that love as well. I present myself that way. I'm attracted to, and attract people on that basis.

That one change - with everything it eventually entailed - made detaching from my ex much less the daily, on-going, brutally frustrating challenge for me it always had been - and much more just a natural response to the kind of person I knew him to be, the way I knew he was able to relate to me, and kind of relationship I knew we were able to have with each other as a result of those things.

The more I detached, the more I found myself able to radically accept, not just his disorder for what it was, but more importantly, the extent to which I actively enabled and accommodated it so we could actually have the relationship we had.

To admit that I'd always known just exactly how afraid of rejection/abandonment he was, how easily/often that fear was triggered, and to what effect on both of us. How much stress/anxiety he experienced over the possibility of being rejected/abandoned by me. How irrational even he knew that fear actually was most of the time. How often I intentionally triggered it to get the reaction I got. How ashamed he always was of having so little control over when/how/why it got triggered.  How even more ashamed he was of some of the things he found himself compulsively saying/doing to try to manage and/or relieve the stress/anxiety he experienced every time it was triggered. How often I ignored, denied, dismissed, justified, excused, forgave, took responsibility for, comforted him over, apologized, made amends, dealt with the problems created as a result of, and repaired all the damage those things did to everyone/everything involved - regardless of how inappropriate, upsetting, disturbing, reckless, irresponsible, in violation of my trust, or fundamentally destructive to the relationship/life we shared as a whole - because I understood why he did it. How much he came to trust, rely on, and expect me to do that for him so we could continue to share that relationship/life whose potential loss - real or merely perceived - was the reason he found himself compulsively engaging in those kinds of behaviors in the first place.

To admit and take responsibility for the fact that I betrayed that trust. Didn't do what I'd always done and led him to believe/expect I'd always do for him - no matter what he said/did - so he could continue to have a relationship/life with me. Doesn't matter that I had every reason not to do it. Doesn't matter that, much as I wanted and tried, I simply couldn't do it anymore either.

All that really matters is that I didn't do it - and that he has every right to feel just as betrayed by me and truly devastated by that betrayal as he's always claimed to feel - even if the circumstances make it almost impossible for anyone but me to validate those particular claims.

Radical acceptance, I've found, can be a very humbling experience sometimes.

By admitting and actively accepting the very real responsibility I bore for betraying him in that way - and then working to forgive myself for it - all that nagging guilt/obligation/shame I'd been carrying around that had kept me so attached to, and enmeshed with him for so long simply vanished.

By radically accepting what I believed, felt, thought, knew, understood, and did for him - as well as why I did it - I've managed to achieve a level of compassion for the all the pain and suffering he's  endured and continues to live with that I think few people have the experience/ability to actually feel for him.

I no longer need NC to protect myself from him. I have a strong sense of who/what I am now, boundaries about my own beliefs/feelings/thoughts, and the tools to enforce them to do that for me in ways NC simply can't.

And going NC, staying NC, and forcing myself to continue working on my core issues have served to create a tangible track record of acting to protect my own interests that's allowed me, for the first time in my life, to actually trust myself to do that from here on out instead of just telling myself I do or will and never actually making good on that promise.

What's next? Who knows. Continuing to practice, and put into practice everything I've learned. Am pretty sure that's going to be a lifelong endeavor at this point. Continuing to get to know, be comfortable with, and trust myself. Continuing to be triggered, and dealing with that as it arises before letting it go again. Continuing to visit and contribute when/what I can to these boards. Continuing to live in the moment. Continuing to look forward to what tomorrow brings.

Continuing. I guess I'll just be continuing. Hmmm. Like the way that sounds. Like the way it feels even more.

Let us continue together then.

[heartandwhole]

Great post talithacumi !

I applaud you.  It sounds like you have come through that crucible and found a new way of being in the world, what a great feeling.  Your post is very inspiring, and I resonate with a lot of what you've written.

I know it's a controversial subject, but I have a similar opinion as you about NC.  For me, it was essential – it's just the way I'm built, I guess – because I needed time to get back into an awareness of myself.  I couldn't find what I wanted/needed while being in a relationship where my care taking mechanisms were in constant high gear.  And I think I've just recently come to a similar place as you, where I feel that if contact happened, I'd have the resources to deal with it in a healthier way.

Your feeling of being inherently lovable made me smile, that is such a wonderful realization!  I think that is what all of us hope to get to, and I'm glad you are living in that truth.

Yes, continuing... . that about sums it up 

heartandwhole

[seeking balance]

Great post - insightful 

I no longer see or identify myself as a fixer/rescuer/caretaker. I no longer project myself in terms of the potential use I might have to others. I am no longer attracted to people who have a use for me.  I find I'm also apparently not very attractive to people who are primarily interested in, looking for someone willing/able to be of use to them in some way either.

I can relate to this so much.  I have altered so many of my friendships and FOO relationships over these years because of this too.  There was a time I became a bit jaded as well.  I like to be helpful - but not used ... . from my FOO, I didn't know the difference.

I no longer need NC to protect myself from him. I have a strong sense of who/what I am now, boundaries about my own beliefs/feelings/thoughts, and the tools to enforce them to do that for me in ways NC simply can't.

And going NC, staying NC, and forcing myself to continue working on my core issues have served to create a tangible track record of acting to protect my own interests that's allowed me, for the first time in my life, to actually trust myself to do that from here on out instead of just telling myself I do or will and never actually making good on that promise.

NC with my ex was survival, going very LC with my mother is where I really learned my worth and boundaries - it also gave me the space for reality - radical acceptance.

Self trust - not perfection is a daily practice... . it is in the little things, not a big event.

Thanks for sharing Tali.

Peace,

SB

[thinkingthinking]

Thank you so much for sharing!  Your experience gives me hope.

I've now been divorced from BPDh for 5 months, after 22 years of marriage.  It is difficult to feel comfortable with yourself after feeling like your purpose was to "do" and "smooth over" everything for another person for so long.  But like you, I've come to accept that the role that I came to play was the result of a number of complex events.  I forgive him, I forgive myself.  Now the challenge is to learn to value myself... .

It makes me smile to hear that you've been able to get to this place in your life!

[Stjarna]

This is a wonderful post!  Thank you so much.  Gives me hope.  This struck me so hard:

All that really matters is that I didn't do it - and that he has every right to feel just as betrayed by me and truly devastated by that betrayal as he's always claimed to feel - even if the circumstances make it almost impossible for anyone but me to validate those particular claims.

Radical acceptance, I've found, can be a very humbling experience sometimes.

By admitting and actively accepting the very real responsibility I bore for betraying him in that way - and then working to forgive myself for it - all that nagging guilt/obligation/shame I'd been carrying around that had kept me so attached to, and enmeshed with him for so long simply vanished.

I think I've recently just started down this path of accepting my responsibility in leaving my marriage when I was at the breaking point.  I have had nagging guilt/obligation/shame too over the past year.  Thank you for sharing your experience.  Now I need to work on forgiving myself, and I do think I see some light ahead. 

And this... .

I no longer see or identify myself as a fixer/rescuer/caretaker. I no longer project myself in terms of the potential use I might have to others. I am no longer attracted to people who have a use for me.  I find I'm also apparently not very attractive to people who are primarily interested in, looking for someone willing/able to be of use to them in some way either.

Brilliant!  I feel as though I have stepped on the first yellow brick, if you will, of the yellow brick road on this journey.  I have been a caretaker/nurturer for all of the life that I can remember.  Don't know if there is hope for me to totally change that around in the years I have left ahead (I'm almost 59 years old), but for sure I know that I have already started to create some boundaries, even if they are only made of sticks tied together at this point.  I'm busy lashing the sticks together so that they hold together better and better all the time, though!