Please help me understand?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was with my diagnosed BPD gf for a year, in that year I caught her flirting on text messages to other girls, I chose to 'forgive' but was hurt.  Finally a few months back I caught her talking to another girl she had met at work and the messages became constant, I took my gf on holiday and she broke up with me there as she said she didn't know what she wanted anymore and wanted to figure 'stuff' out.  We did continue to be intimate during the holiday - I was openly devastated in front of her, crying, angry all the normal stuff.

I feel I was a good girlfriend to her, kind, considerate, loyal and loving.  After the initial honeymoon period (about 4 months) she started calling me names and being nasty.  Never did anything nice or thoughtful and even sex became all about her needs.  I got her to go to the doctors who referred her to a psychologist who diagnosed her with BPD, she is still going and on medication, I have read every book possible to try and understand it all.

The day after we got back from holiday she changed her FB status to in a relationship with this girl and pretty much moved on, this girl is a younger drinker/party goer, which is not me exs type at all as she doesn't like to go out or any social situations, so I am a bit miffed.

I still see me ex, we kiss and talk and that's about it.  She texts me most days.

I am trying really hard to get over her but I am so in Love with her, that when she texts me saying she wants to die and needs to talk or needs help, of course I am right there and we will text for hours and she will say she misses me and wants to see me.  When she talks about wanting to die of course I have to reply because at the end of the day if she did anything I am the one who would have to live with the guilt.  I would like to point out that she is the type to actually do it. This was yesterday and yet today she has completely ignored me, although I haven't txt her either.

She is also always asking if I am going to meet up with any other girls.

I really want to move on but I love her so much, theres no point saying go NC because I just cant do that as I guess there is a small part of me that wants her to break up with this other girl and come back to me.

I am so confused and really am hurting.

ps we have only been broken up 6 weeks.

[firefly_x]

I was with my diagnosed BPD gf for a year, in that year I caught her flirting on text messages to other girls, I chose to 'forgive' but was hurt.  Finally a few months back I caught her talking to another girl she had met at work and the messages became constant, I took my gf on holiday and she broke up with me there as she said she didn't know what she wanted anymore and wanted to figure 'stuff' out.  We did continue to be intimate during the holiday - I was openly devastated in front of her, crying, angry all the normal stuff.

I feel I was a good girlfriend to her, kind, considerate, loyal and loving.  After the initial honeymoon period (about 4 months) she started calling me names and being nasty.  Never did anything nice or thoughtful and even sex became all about her needs.  I got her to go to the doctors who referred her to a psychologist who diagnosed her with BPD, she is still going and on medication, I have read every book possible to try and understand it all.

The day after we got back from holiday she changed her FB status to in a relationship with this girl and pretty much moved on, this girl is a younger drinker/party goer, which is not me exs type at all as she doesn't like to go out or any social situations, so I am a bit miffed.

I still see me ex, we kiss and talk and that's about it.  She texts me most days.

I am trying really hard to get over her but I am so in Love with her, that when she texts me saying she wants to die and needs to talk or needs help, of course I am right there and we will text for hours and she will say she misses me and wants to see me.  When she talks about wanting to die of course I have to reply because at the end of the day if she did anything I am the one who would have to live with the guilt.  I would like to point out that she is the type to actually do it. This was yesterday and yet today she has completely ignored me, although I haven't txt her either.

She is also always asking if I am going to meet up with any other girls.

I really want to move on but I love her so much, theres no point saying go NC because I just cant do that as I guess there is a small part of me that wants her to break up with this other girl and come back to me.

I am so confused and really am hurting.

ps we have only been broken up 6 weeks.

[HappyNihilist]

When she talks about wanting to die of course I have to reply because at the end of the day if she did anything I am the one who would have to live with the guilt.  I would like to point out that she is the type to actually do it.

You are not responsible for the decisions that she makes, including a decision to end her life. People who want to commit suicide will do it, regardless of what anyone else says/does. It is no one's choice, no one's actions, but that one person's. I know it's beyond painful to not respond to someone you love -- that's a decision that you have to make for yourself. I just don't want you to think that you hold the keys to her salvation. If she ever did kill herself, it would NOT be your fault.

She will use your love, kindness, compassion, and sense of guilt to keep you attached to her. I'm not saying she's lying or consciously trying to manipulate you. But she IS keeping your attention and concern focused on HER. You need to pull back and focus on YOU. That's what NC truly is, returning your focus to yourself. It hurts like hell, yes, but I guarantee you'll find some clarity if you let yourself disengage.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi firefly_x,

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup, that is really painful.  Seeing your ex must be really hard, too, knowing that she is with someone else.  You've come to the right place for support.  We have lots of tools to help things get better, and members who understand.

Do you hope to continue a friendship with your ex at the moment?  :)o you have friends and family you can turn to when you need support?

Dealing with someone who is talking about suicide is very stressful, it's important to take care of yourself.  I hope your ex reaches out to her therapist as well when she feels that way.  Here is a link about dealing with suicidal ideation that is very helpful:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Keep posting, it helps.  You can get through this.  

heartandwhole

[firefly_x]

Thank you happy and heart

I know that deep down NC is a good way to go but I just can't or don't want to do it, I do want to maintain a friendship with her, she doesn't have many friends as she tends to isolate herself so I don't want to completely abandon her when she needs someone most.   I do realise by doing this I am sacrificing my own happiness.

I just wish I knew weather to believe all the 'I miss you' 'I care about you' txts I get, as I think that is the reason why I am hanging on so much, their the tiny threads that keep me holding on to the hope we might get back together.

She goe to the therapist but as yet wont open up to him and tell him whats really going on in her mind.

love is a powerful thing

[schwing]

Hi Firefly_x and 

Let me try to explain your BPD exgirlfriend's behavior in a way that may be helpful to you.

I feel I was a good girlfriend to her, kind, considerate, loyal and loving.  After the initial honeymoon period (about 4 months) she started calling me names and being nasty.  Never did anything nice or thoughtful and even sex became all about her needs.  I got her to go to the doctors who referred her to a psychologist who diagnosed her with BPD, she is still going and on medication, I have read every book possible to try and understand it all.

There is a good chance that your exBPDgf doesn't understand or want to understand (or accept) the nature of her disorder.  She just wants to be happy with someone.  And she doesn't understand that regardless with whomever she gets involve with, her disorder will get in the way and make her unhappy with that person.  It's like putting her hand in the fire over and over again.  Except that the fire doesn't burn her in the beginning.  In fact, in the beginning of all her relationships, it seems like she found the right one who won't burn her.  But they will all burn her, in the sense, that everyone will trigger her disorder feelings because her the issues she is dealing with comes from within her and not from each person she picks to be with.  But she probably doesn't accept it.  She wants to keep believe that it is just the matter of find the "right" one.

I still see me ex, we kiss and talk and that's about it.  She texts me most days.

I am trying really hard to get over her but I am so in Love with her, that when she texts me saying she wants to die and needs to talk or needs help, of course I am right there and we will text for hours and she will say she misses me and wants to see me.  When she talks about wanting to die of course I have to reply because at the end of the day if she did anything I am the one who would have to live with the guilt. 

She tells you she wants to die and she needs help.  But she will unwilling to get for herself the kind of help she needs.  Instead she is choosing to use you as a short term crutch to get over her short time episodes of feeling badly about herself.  You have to understand that it is up to her to get help for herself.  You can bring a horse to the water, but you can't make the horse drink.

It is up to you to continue to be there to listen to her complain about all her issues, yet she will choose not to do anything about it except use you and people like you as free therapy.  And all she has to give you in return are expression of missing you and wanting to see you, only to change 180 degrees after being with you for too long.

If she chooses to kill herself, that is her choice.  You are not in the business of saving her from herself.  Moreover, you are teaching her that if she really wants something from you, then she just needs to threaten to kill herself in order to get her way.  You are teaching her how best to emotionally blackmail you.

I would like to point out that she is the type to actually do it. This was yesterday and yet today she has completely ignored me, although I haven't txt her either.

She probably is the type who might actually kill herself.  But today she doesn't need you.  And when she doesn't need you, you do not exist to her.  Is that love?

She is also always asking if I am going to meet up with any other girls.

Don't take this is flattery.  Don't feel like she is jealous about you see other people.  She is thinking purely from her perspective: fear of abandonment.  This is part of her disorder.  Whenever she needs you or depends upon you, she is also overcome with feelings that you might abandon her.  This is what she will go through with anyone and everyone she eventually feels close to.  She doesn't feel this way at the beginning of a relationship... . and this is why she keeps putting her hand back into the fire.

I really want to move on but I love her so much, theres no point saying go NC because I just cant do that as I guess there is a small part of me that wants her to break up with this other girl and come back to me.

If she comes back to you, it will only lead to the repeating of what happened before.  And each time she breaks up with you, it will only hurt more.  You cannot gird yourself from a pain that you have not even begun to heal from.

I am so confused and really am hurting.

ps we have only been broken up 6 weeks.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Many of us here have also been through sometime very similar to what you are going through.  It might be helpful for you to learn from our mistakes.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[HappyNihilist]

I know that deep down NC is a good way to go but I just can't or don't want to do it, I do want to maintain a friendship with her, she doesn't have many friends as she tends to isolate herself so I don't want to completely abandon her when she needs someone most.   I do realise by doing this I am sacrificing my own happiness.

 I know it's hard, sweetie. It kills me not to talk to my exbf, too. He also isolates himself and doesn't have hardly any close friends (fortunately he has a sister he's close to) because, as he says, he always pushes away the people close to him. I ache for him because I know he's tortured inside, and I love him so that hurts me. Plus I know that he will never find happiness if he keeps falling into his own patterns and never works on himself. We worry about them because we love and care about them. We want them to feel safe and happy because that's what functional people want for their loved ones.

But just as she doesn't hold the keys to your happiness, you don't hold the keys to hers. This is entirely beyond your control. She's not going to be happy, no matter what you do. By sacrificing your happiness, you're just continuing the cycle of misery: two people are unhappy together. I know you want to be there for her, but think of it this way -- you need to be in a good place with yourself first, before you can offer support to anyone.

I just wish I knew weather to believe all the 'I miss you' 'I care about you' txts I get, as I think that is the reason why I am hanging on so much, their the tiny threads that keep me holding on to the hope we might get back together.

I'm sure she does miss you and care about you. Don't torture yourself wondering whether or not to believe that she loved/loves you. The feelings were real. She just isn't capable of expressing or processing those feelings in a healthy way over a long period of time. Not now, and maybe not ever.

I'm not telling you that you should completely give up on her. But even if you have a desire to try the r/s again, you need some space and time to look at yourself. Look at the Staying boards to see what it's like to maintain a r/s with a pwBPD. Examine yourself and see if that's something you can live with. If you decide that it is, then it takes a LOT of work, and it will help you to have "me time" to work on yourself.

She goe to the therapist but as yet wont open up to him and tell him whats really going on in her mind.

pwBPD tend not to trust anyone, much less a therapist. My exbf never lasted very long in therapy -- he enjoyed messing with the therapists, trying to "figure out their angle." Plus, it's hard for most people to express what's going on their heads. It takes self-awareness and a willingness to be vulnerable to talk about one's fears and issues and darkness. Neither of those traits are particularly common in pwBPD.

love is a powerful thing

Damn straight. It's the most powerful thing in the world -- except, maybe, for fear. Actually, a lot of the torment we feel is from our own very human need for love, that is in itself fear-based. There's nothing wrong with needing love and fearing not having it. And there's nothing wrong with making sacrifices for love if we're truly comfortable with that. We all have to choose our own path. But recognizing your own needs, fears, and boundaries is essential.

[firefly_x]

Thank you happy and Schwing for your advice.  I really appreciate it xxx