Absolute torture

[Split black]

I feel like Prometheus, that poor guy who has his liver eaten daily by eagles. Cursed by Zeus to heal and re endure that pain every day for giving fire to humanity. Yeah... thats how I feel.

I noticed my exBPD girl friends ( ex original boyfriends ) car parked right next to my gym. She now has a job a few doors down in a strip mall. Its right in my face. All i have to do is pop my head in. This sux. This sux so badly.

Im an adult, educated, very fit, very successful, blah blah... having my mind splintered by a young woman who is over 20 years younger then me. Im the adult. I have so much life experience its ridiculous. I have won and lost love many times unfortunately over the years... . I was married for 18 years. I was in other very long term relationships... .    

My first time out of the box I met a bd waif a little over a year ago. Had no clue. I dealt with it. She had a boyfriend and was a player. He busted her, she called me in his presence and ended it. Never heard from her again until a month ago by chance. ( will explain later)

Then I meet my now insane ex BPD who I allowed exploit and use me for a new apt ( so she could leave her boyfriend) money to help pay her rent because she was always losing her jobs... . clothes, food... . I even had her set up to go back to school because she dropped out of college... .   But after busting her cheating with her ex and then someone new... . and after being slit black 4 times... . I believe I got the final black death. Now after a bit over a month of NC started by her and maintain by me... . i see her car... . I checked her FB, and can only see profile pics and her profile she is indeed working there. This is just brutal. I sat in my car today in front of my gym, vibrating... . because I wanted to go see her... . just to see what she would say or do.  My last conversation was awful... . I disgusted her where only the week before I was in bed with her massaging her and getting her meds for a mild flu. Of course the following day she had this other guy over AGAIN... . after swearing never again... . busted. And Im out. That guy is out. And her original EX of 4 years is BACK... and this guy knows about her cheating... . because as it turns out she never totally let him go. He knows... . both now in AA meeting together ect etc.

So its back to the beginning... . but Im sure she is under total lock down. She cheated on him so many times... . she told me she hated him so many times...   unreal. And this OTHER poor chump is pouring out his heart on his FB page to her, humiliating himself. 

Im so sick of this childish drama. Im so sick of it but I cant get this crazy bratt out of my head.

Enter the BPD I was with before my ex. We meet in my gym after over a year... . have a drink... and Im back in the saddle. She believes she has BPD or at least some symptoms. My walls are up, hers are up. She wanted to know if I was with anyone else now... . I said no and told her some horror stories. She told me hers... .   what have I become... . A BPD magnet?

[GreenMango]

20 years younger comes with maturity gap.  Whats the age of these women?

[Split black]

20 years younger comes with maturity gap.  Whats the age of these women?

Mid 20's... . and just in the saying of it makes me realize it could be the start of an unhealthy pattern. But there is a lot of life experience with both. I did not find a lack of maturity and the pathology of the 1st is not as extreme as my ex. And... i never imagined i would see her again... . let alone date. It would seem we are rebounding with each other... . yet she does seem much more detached with her situation then me. She is in therapy as am I. We both agreed and rightly so to keep things very light.

And i do understand that i need to process the loss im feeling before jumping into another serious relationship ... . but to be honest it does help to have someone out there that wants to get to know me. Ugh.

[Take2]

Split-Black... .   I totally relate - to most of your posts actually.  I am going thru the same absolute torture.  Ironically, I am 14 years older than my exBPD-bf.  Except for some rare situations, he never seems younger than me.  I see him often because we work together.  It is pure torture for me.  We have recycled so many times mainly because we do see each other and we both feel addicted to one another.  Except this time.  This time, he truly seems to be done.  He of course has been seeing another girl for months (as far as I know) but only for the past month has he totally painted me black and spew hatred at me - except for the times we've slept together as recently as last week!  and him telling me multiple times this week he loves me... .   oy.  So so many things distrubing in our entire dynamic... .    but it cuts me to my soul that his reasoning for shutting me out this time is a total delusion in his head.  Actually, every time has been a total delusion in his head. 

I am struggling so badly with this.  And while you note that it does help to have someone out there that wants to get to know you - I agree - it so does.  The only guy I actually cared about talking to in the last four years during a severely awful phase with my ex was awesome to talk to... . we never went out or anything.  But even just talking to him really helped... . until I began to feel his push and pull just in our conversations.  We have talked long enough as friends now for me to have a clear concept that he TOO clearly has some sort of personality disorder... .    Am I now a magnet?  Maybe it's just what I now relate to or find attractive.  I don't know... .   it's very bothersome though.   I don't even care about others.  I just can't. 

I can't get over the hump of pain from my ex... .  

[Split black]

Split-Black... .  I totally relate - to most of your posts actually.  I am going thru the same absolute torture.  Ironically, I am 14 years older than my exBPD-bf.  Except for some rare situations, he never seems younger than me.  I see him often because we work together.  It is pure torture for me.  We have recycled so many times mainly because we do see each other and we both feel addicted to one another.  Except this time.  This time, he truly seems to be done.  He of course has been seeing another girl for months (as far as I know) but only for the past month has he totally painted me black and spew hatred at me - except for the times we've slept together as recently as last week!  and him telling me multiple times this week he loves me... .  oy.  So so many things distrubing in our entire dynamic... .   but it cuts me to my soul that his reasoning for shutting me out this time is a total delusion in his head.  Actually, every time has been a total delusion in his head.  

I am struggling so badly with this.  And while you note that it does help to have someone out there that wants to get to know you - I agree - it so does.  The only guy I actually cared about talking to in the last four years during a severely awful phase with my ex was awesome to talk to... . we never went out or anything.  But even just talking to him really helped... . until I began to feel his push and pull just in our conversations.  We have talked long enough as friends now for me to have a clear concept that he TOO clearly has some sort of personality disorder... .   Am I now a magnet?  Maybe it's just what I now relate to or find attractive.  I don't know... .  it's very bothersome though.   I don't even care about others.  I just can't.  

I can't get over the hump of pain from my ex... .  

And Im stressed because mine now works next to my gym and I have to see the car she would visit me in before I helped her get away from this guy... . into the apt she now lives.

I cant imagine what you are going thru. Yes, actually I can. But unless or until you can put some distance between you and your ex... . well... . you already know that moving forward or onward or whatever will be extremely difficult.

I would LOVE to sleep with my ex again... . but I would reduce my pride, or the remnants of it to rat ___ if I did. I feel like if I broke NC after being black 4 times... and having her so viciously go from love to hate, and I popped my head inside that store where she is working... . I could be accused in her twisted mind of stalking! Who knows? Jesus... . I stared at that car for 5 minutes and it felt like I was tripping on acid. Omg... . what would she say... . would she be happy, would she flip out... .  I just cant take the chance of finding out. Im so re-conflicted, I HAVE to remember the abuse, the lies, the manipulation, the Triangulation, the never ending requests for this and that... . did I mention lying and cheating the visuals of which are haunting. She said she threw my number out the last time we spoke. I took hers off my phone as well... .  Its obvious shes back with her number one white knight recovering alcoholic ( I do give him credit for forcing her to mirror this... . again) With her number two newbie pining away on FB for her, but hes blocked, so she cant see... .  So there is me... the idiot who actually paid for everything, who actually cant take it anymore, but Im hanging on with bleeding fingernails, Im so close to breaking NC its pathetic... .  As you can see, the car and knowing she is there has triggered a relapse, and it almost feels like day one of my banishment. I have to let this go. I have to just understand that this little diabolical tryst is done. It has to be.

Take2... . I think... . that we are both addicted to the rush of drama on some level, combine that for me, with aging, getting older, is in of itself a loss of youth. So maybe knowing that Im desirable to a young woman lets me relive lost youth ( so many psycho dynamic forces at play during this time of life crisis) ... . I have come to realize that for me... that the rollercoaster was indeed filling some emptiness of my own... . and it wasn't so much her... . as the endorphins she would produce in my now altered brain chemistry. I do not like this angst. It is horrible. I just want peace again. And I just hope and hope I have the sac to NOT walk in that store or conveniently meet her when she gets out. Its sat. nite  I need a drink.

I feel your pain Take2.

[Take2]

Take2... . I think... . that we are both addicted to drama on some level... . I have come to realize that for me... that rollercoaster was indeed filling some emptiness of my own... . and it wasn't so much her as the endorphins she would produce in my now alter brain chemistry. I just hope and hope I have the sac to now walk  in that store or conveniently meet her when she gets out. Its sat. nite  I need a drink.

Yep, totally addicted to the drama on some level... .   I can't explain how else I am so hooked on someone who has turned SO incredibly mean and abusive on me... . and have my pride reduced to rat ___?  yep, that's me.  No one who knows me can believe what this has done to me.  I cannot believe it myself.  I know that if I didn't see him at work, if I hadn't withdrawn from everyone at work for him, isolated myself from my friends, that I would have walked away a long time ago.  Thing is, every time I thought it was the final end, and I started to become ME again and actually talk to coworkers... .   somehow he would flip out and somehow it would twist things in my own head and I'd be the one who would wind up begging for him to take me back.  I've been my own worst enemy in this regard.

It's a very dreary day today which doesn't help at all... .   our brain wiring has truly been altered... .   how long until it goes back?  There are times that I actually now worry about being "normal" again - because like I said, each time I have felt much more solid, he somehow has totally tripped me up and left me a mess again. 

A drink for sure is in order... .

[sirensong65]

Damn, Tale 2, how bout giving a sane girl a shot? lmo!  You did SO much for this gal and for what?  Feeling good tonight?  Me neither, I'm already on my second glass of wine while writing this.

I hope you grow a sac too.  Cause I think you will seriously hate yourself tomorrow if you conveniently walk in that store tonight... .

Hell, I have fantasized on showing up at my exes with my new hard body that HE caused by constant working out after losing SO much of my self esteem.

I want to go over there in an over coat, heels and nothing and else.  KNOWING damn well he ain't alone tonight or any other night, but certainly not on a Saturday night...

My only difference from you, I want to show him what he left and then walk casually to my car with my middle finger in the air...

Guess, I need to go burn more anger energy... .

[Take2]

Well ... . for one thing I am a female and my ex is a man... .

But we all process this differently.

Congrats to you for being so strong... .

[Split black]

Damn, Tale 2, how bout giving a sane girl a shot? lmo!  You did SO much for this gal and for what?  Feeling good tonight?  Me neither, I'm already on my second glass of wine while writing this.

I hope you grow a sac too.  Cause I think you will seriously hate yourself tomorrow if you conveniently walk in that store tonight... .

Hell, I have fantasized on showing up at my exes with my new hard body that HE caused by constant working out after losing SO much of my self esteem.

I want to go over there in an over coat, heels and nothing and else.  KNOWING damn well he ain't alone tonight or any other night, but certainly not on a Saturday night...

My only difference from you, I want to show him what he left and then walk casually to my car with my middle finger in the air...

Guess, I need to go burn more anger energy... .

That was my post about walking in the store... . how many glasses of wine did you have ?

Anyway... . Im not going in that f**ing store. My range of emotions and logical internal debates... . plus this and a couple of other boards are keeping me on course. When I feel myself sinking and weak, I will log on to a board like grasping for a floatation device after the ship sunk. This isnt easy... . there was another post somewhere about aligning the child in you fighting with your logical adult, because the child wins 90% of the time. Our own. We want what we want when we want it, the child usually wins... . even though our logical adult intellectual mind knows how horrible and self damaging remaining in a demeaning toxic relationship is. The task is to align the two and allow the adult to lead the child. At the end of the day... . there will be other options open us, no matter how intoxicating the drama and sex was with those insane people that hooked us. I will find another hottie if thats what I want to do. AND, I KNOW this determination Im feeling right now will waver, but the secret is to somehow stay, stay, stay NC until your addiction is at the very least not destroying the opportunity for a new beginning.

[Take2]

All true points Split Black... .   how else to explain why I could actually be feeling this way after the cruelty and hatred my ex has suddenly spewed at me and I am left going thru withdrawal like a drug addict. 

It's been a brutal weekend of withdrawal and this is the only board I'm on so I've been on here nonstop this weekend... .   it's helped but I'm by no means past the hump of this.  Tomorrow being Monday would normally mean I'd see him at work but he's supposed to be out most of this week - this will actually be a good thing.

I will still miss him but when he's out of the office, my life is soo much more relaxed.  I don't have to worry about someone storming up on me, demanding to check my emails, my caller id, my instant messages... .   talking to male coworkers has been totally off limits.  Regardless of their level.  A VP kept trying to  befriend me a year ago.  I totally shut that guy out.  I had zero interest in the VP but I would have at least been friendly otherwise - I am normally a very friendly person at work.  That VP emailed a couple times about bands (I'm really into music) and I flat out ignored them.  I was panicked that someone the ex would find out.  I never told the ex about those attempts - it was a no win situation no matter what.  I still get accused of throwing myself at that guy and other men in the office and nothing could be farther from the truth.

The pure torture I'm going thru right now is just trying to get it thru my thick skull - how could I have forgiven his lies about the new GF (or rather now ex-gf apparently) and his lies about sleeping with her just two months ago - to now be shut out for sitting next to a man at work at a company dinner... .

You would think it would all be WAY TOO MUCH and it is.  It's absurd.  And yet this damn addiction has clearly turned me into a wackjob.  At least for the time being... .   maybe if he continues his silent treatment and I don't see him all week, I MIGHT actually have a chance to get over the worst of the withdrawal... .

So Split Black... . did you get a drink with the ex-BPD before your crrent ex?  She was BPD too ?

Does your current ex still try to contact you?

[Split black]

The pure torture I'm going thru right now is just trying to get it thru my thick skull - how could I have forgiven his lies about the new GF (or rather now ex-gf apparently) and his lies about sleeping with her just two months ago - to now be shut out for sitting next to a man at work at a company dinner... .

You would think it would all be WAY TOO MUCH and it is.  It's absurd.  And yet this damn addiction has clearly turned me into a wackjob.  At least for the time being... .   maybe if he continues his silent treatment and I don't see him all week, I MIGHT actually have a chance to get over the worst of the withdrawal... .

So Split Black... . did you get a drink with the ex-BPD before your crrent ex?  She was BPD too ?

Does your current ex still try to contact you?

You should date that VP... . just send him an email and flirt. The distraction will help.  It probably wont affect your relationship with your current ex. And even if it did... .   what would he do... . continue to not see you like he is already doing?  Just try to have some fun, keep it light... . and honestly... the feeling of being wanted, of having someone want you, helps build your self esteem back up. Even if you are just going thru the motions. Just make sure you let the guy know you dont want to be serious.

No... I did not cheat on my current ex BPD. Not once. I only happened to run into my ex ex (  ) at the gym by bizarre chance.  She lived in a different town. I had not seen or heard a word from her for a year and a half. Unbelievably, the 1st time we locked eyes she was in a kick boxing cardio class... she turned and almost fell down as I was outside of the room transfixed wondering if it was her. It was. But I walked away and didnt want to make her feel uncomfortable.  Next time I saw her was a few weeks later,by chance... this time she walked out of the room and came up to me nose to nose. We talked for 10 min. she said she really wanted to have a conversation with me and didnt like how things ended. ( Yeah, she dumped my ass for the boyfriend that busted her by reading one of my then emails and he made her call me... and she changed numbers... but not before apologizing blah blah... while he was standing next to her, and said she was never going to see me again. Then NC and she vanished. )

THEN... . I was sitting down in the gym on a chair in a private alcove a few weeks later because I had actually LOST the number she gave me, and my current ex was in full spew devaluing me and asking why I had contacted her and the whole I disgusted blame shift conversation. I looked up and my ex ex was right there looking at me! I hung up and we talked a bit( I did call my current ex back after my ex ex walked away because she threatened me with something crazy if I didnt call her right back, when I did she brought the hammer down)

My ex ex then... . gave me her number, we met up about a couple of weeks later finally... . and I have been seeing her... . but we have the understanding that its at best a friends with benefits situation... . which is fine with me because I am in no mind to get emotionally involved. If my ex ex wants to use me for a booty call... . Im ok with that... . its nice to feel the warmth and tenderness of someone thats not using sex as a negotiating ploy and withholding it making me feel like a human dildo.Besides we are starting to have some down to earth conversations which are nice... . but this waif is scarey. Oh brother.

And no... . my current utterly ex banished me... . I have not heard a word, nothing, zero... . for the reason of DISCOVERY... . I was cast BLACK and discarded with a vengeance... .   the other 4 times lasted two weeks tops... . with her contacting me the 1st two... . not this time. She knows I know too much... . some of her last words were that even IF she were to tell me the truth about something, I would never believe her. TRANSLATED means... .   I know now that 90 percent of everything out of her pie whole was a lie or some re written flawed delusional version of her history. ugh... . sorry for the rant.

[Take2]

Don't be sorry for the rant... . that's what we're here for!   

So wait - the ex-ex is BPD too right, but she's a waif?  If she's scarey, why are you doing this with her?

Please don't read judgment in that question at all, just curious.  You sound like you can probably have your pick of women to choose from... .  

Yeah, that VP left the company last year.  Not to mention I wasn't remotely interested in the guy.  It's just incredibly stupid to NOT be friendly to a VP of a large corporation who is trying to be friendly.  Anyway - I could never flirt with another guy at work.  Last year around this time was awful - not quite this awful - but really bad.  My ex was probably meeting up with other girls but I have no proof of it.  He raged alot last year.  ALOT.  Alot happened that began the year long deterioration with him like never before.  I was shut out many times - no contact at all.  I did actually let myself start talking to one male coworker during that time - a guy who is happily married and lives 1500 miles away (but reports into the same region as me) - it was harmless.  I had ZERO intentions, it was just nice that SOMEONE (a man) at work was being nice to me, and I thought it was safe since he wasn't in our office.  When my ex found out that I had had a couple friendly conversations with that guy - I shared the emails because it was totally harmless - he FREAKED.  He continues to freak about that guy and every other guy in the company.  It's insanity.  At one point it got so bad that I wound up in the AVP's office (a female friend of mine) in tears because I was scared out of my mind and I didn't want to go to HR because I was afraid of what he'd do to me if I did that.  Lord knows I still have that fear.  I suppose it's better to be shut out than afraid that he's going to hurt me or destroy my career.  Anyway - long story to get to the point - NO WAY can I flirt with any man at work.  He might be shutting me out and sleepgin with 50 other girls, but I GUARANTEE he still considers me his property at work. 

He's a very very frightening guy.  He is obsessed with guns and knives and survival skills.  He's a very very very good shooter.  That I slept with him a week ago confirms my own stupidity.  It's me playing with fire.  Fire that could wind up destroying me.

While the alleged breaking point for him was when I sat next to his boss at a work dinner - the reality is that he KNOWS he pushed me at work shortly before that dinner.  He had to make me the bad guy for good. 

Sorry - I went off on a couple tangents and not even sure I made sense... .   I'll go flirt elsewhere... .   with him in my world at work, I need to be very quiet, and very cautious... .  

[corraline]

sounds like a better plan

[GreenMango]

Split

Do you want a relationship with less drama? You've got several ex's crossing paths. 

Sometimes having less drama means making different choices based on what you really need and sometimes this isn't always immediately satisfying.  Looking from an outside perspective, say if this was your male friend, what would you tell him?

[Split black]

Split

Do you want a relationship with less drama? You've got several ex's crossing paths. 

Sometimes having less drama means making different choices based on what you really need and sometimes this isn't always immediately satisfying.  Looking from an outside perspective, say if this was your male friend, what would you tell him?

I would tell my pal to stop the madness. He would probably tell me not to get emotionally involved and just play. But Im far past those days and its not what Im ultimately looking for. You have touched on a very interesting thing... drama. The therapist Ive been reduced to seeing is saying that Ive become addicted to the drama as much as her sex... . and now that Ive been banished im bored and feel empty and suffering terrible withdrawal. 

The ex that just split me, is never coming back. Im permanently black. I just know it, and I cant go back to that anxiety and suffering... . I hope.  My ex ex is more like a friend with benefits at this point... and Im the same for her. However, she seems to be leaning in wondering about how things are going. Im white knighting her. Shes accepting my help.  This isnt a good thing. Im trying to avoid pain at all cost it would seem, but I fear emptiness more.

[GreenMango]

 It's like replacing beer for moonshine if you have a drinking problem thinking it's not as bad.  I'm guessing that friend may not have been struggling with the same things you are with the sex and drama if he would say just play.  You guys may be on different playgrounds.

Sometimes detaching means finding better replacement activities. If you didn't have this ex ex what would you be doing?

[Split black]

It's like replacing beer for moonshine if you have a drinking problem thinking it's not as bad.  I'm guessing that friend may not have been struggling with the same things you are with the sex and drama if he would say just play.  You guys may be on different playgrounds.

Sometimes detaching means finding better replacement activities. If you didn't have this ex ex what would you be doing?

If I didnt have her... . my ex ex... . ( I dont actually have her but we do speak now everyday and see each other as much as possible) I would be suffering a lot more anguish. Its not like I dont keep busy... . Ive launched a 2nd very successful career... . Im at the gym, golf season is starting in the North east. I have friends... a life... BUT... my ex... the last year I spent with her... . how played I allowed myself to be. Believing time and again, those lies... . said straight faced and heart felt. Just to be so utterly dismissed when she wasn't able or willing to totally do it before... . makes me WISH i did it. I actually do miss her normal fun self. So sad.

[Take2]

Yep I totally get that.  It helps tremendously to have someone else around even if it's not serious.   I too have a full life.  Work, gym, friends, child.  And yet I obsess over a guy who spews hatred at me over things I have not done... .    I isolated myself at work so much that the days take forever now that I suddenly don't have his attention here... .  

I could easily meet a new guy. ... I've never had a problem meeting men... . it's rare for me to go out and not get approached... .    but I just don't want to... .

My head is so screwed up this time that even harmless flirting can't seem to help.

That's probably bc my ex rages at me for any perceived flirting on my part.

Now I no longer enjoy it.  It causes anxiety