took a risk

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We had a conversation about taking a risk.  It was about tolerating behaviors that i wasn't comfortable with.  This one was about being late. Honestly... . he was late every single time he came to my house... . for over three and a half years. I mean 2 3 and 4 hours late.  I spoke up often but never really got angry or did anything to change it out of fear.  Yup. lame I know.

Once I left when i was waiting and he arrived and got angry at me for not being there.  I was actually out getting sushi and when i managed to text him to tell him where i was , he threatened to go back home. 

So... any how... . I asked him how he maintained a job of 32 years if he had a problem with being on time.  He said that he was on time because if he wasn't he would have been fired.  Said I should not tolerate it and he would maybe do something about it.  I said that i had and my experience was abandonment and punishment from him.  I wasn't going to risk it .  He said I should not b afraid.

So when i stopped engaging when we broke up and took the risk , he's gone. Except for the odd email telling me I am a coward etc.

I guess taking the risk should have been without an expectation to see a positive change in our relationship.

Hmmmm... .

I think that quote by anais nin says much to me at the moment.   Maybe Im just not sensing the blossoming so much yet. But i do know it was too painful to stay the way i was.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

[corraline]

We had a conversation about taking a risk.  It was about tolerating behaviors that i wasn't comfortable with.  This one was about being late. Honestly... . he was late every single time he came to my house... . for over three and a half years. I mean 2 3 and 4 hours late.  I spoke up often but never really got angry or did anything to change it out of fear.  Yup. lame I know.

Once I left when i was waiting and he arrived and got angry at me for not being there.  I was actually out getting sushi and when i managed to text him to tell him where i was , he threatened to go back home. 

So... any how... . I asked him how he maintained a job of 32 years if he had a problem with being on time.  He said that he was on time because if he wasn't he would have been fired.  Said I should not tolerate it and he would maybe do something about it.  I said that i had and my experience was abandonment and punishment from him.  I wasn't going to risk it .  He said I should not b afraid.

So when i stopped engaging when we broke up and took the risk , he's gone. Except for the odd email telling me I am a coward etc.

I guess taking the risk should have been without an expectation to see a positive change in our relationship.

Hmmmm... .

I think that quote by anais nin says much to me at the moment.   Maybe Im just not sensing the blossoming so much yet. But i do know it was too painful to stay the way i was.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

[patientandclear]

My ex also told me not to "self-censor," that he really wanted to hear what I had to say. but when I would gently & kindly express that choices he was making hurt me, he punished me decisively (long silent treatment, permanent ending of the r/ship).

I've thought a lot about his invitation to share openly, his suggestion that he wanted the unvarnished truth from me. I think he wanted to be the kind of person who would want the truth. You know?  But the only truth he wanted was truth that made him feel good.

Sucks.

I identify a lot with your posts. You wrote about how he urged you to be brave enough to stick it out, & that you tried to have courage but he kept betraying you.  No one had spelled out the tragic quality of this quite so well as that. I'm sorry your courage wasn't met with what should have been its reward: loyalty & commitment.  Your risk at the end was another instance of you honoring the r/ship by being true to yourself. Good for you.

[corraline]

thank you patientandclear

one of the things that hurt too was when he said that i was choosing fear not love. he said he was the one who chose love. i think not.  his behavior was not loving.  not to me anyhow.

[patientandclear]

I'm sure you're right.  It's really important, I think, to hang onto that understanding.  It sounds like your ex and mine have a self-concept that they are in pursuit of noble ideals and pure states.  By the time we finally split for good, my ex had so romanticized leaving, he might as well have been Leonard Cohen.  And it was all garbed in Buddhist concepts of non-attachment, etc.

I think this was all an earnest rationalization for hurtful, reckless behavior -- forming emotional bonds and then ripping them apart.  But he needed to feel good about himself, so he came up with this narrative where it was he was the defender of the good & true, and me who was trying to "capture" him or judge him for hurting me.

It's taken me a long time to be OK with the idea that, yes, I was judging him.  Not trying to capture him, trying to meet him where he seemed to be; but when I got there, he fled.  Over and over.  And I do judge that.  I am disappointed that he repeatedly asked something of me and then denied any responsibility for it.

Somehow the assertion that they were on the side of love is particularly hard to take.

[Allmessedup]

Mine told me not to censor myself either... . and if she thought I was doing so then she got all angry saying that I thought she wasn't strong enough to handle my feelings.

But in all honesty she wasn't.  Time and time again if I tried to discuss something about changing the relationship she freaked out and took it to mean she wasn't good for me.  And that always ended with her running away... . and then later me spending days reassuring her I didn't feel that way.

The last fight was about intimacy.  There was zero physical, emotional, or sexual intimacy and had been none for months and months. We didnt even talk about anything really.  I pointed out the problem I saw and I shared what I felt my role in it was... . and I suggested some ways we could work together to rekindle that intimacy.

Poof she said she was "done"

And that was the last real conversation I have had with her... . over 3 months ago.

Funny thing is I knew I was keeping my emotions from her for this exact fear, and that was contributing hugely to the lack of intimacy.  But when I shared that all my fears came true.

But really as I look back at it now I see that for a long time what I felt simply didn't matter to her unless it painted her in a good light.  It is never a fun thing to face your role in the problem in a relationship, but simply ending the relationship instead of facing that is way beyond extreme... . and certainly not healthy.

[Stjarna]

one of the things that hurt too was when he said that i was choosing fear not love. he said he was the one who chose love. i think not.  his behavior was not loving.  not to me anyhow.

Oh my gosh... . mine says this all the time too.  It's his way of somehow making everything my fault (still, after a year apart and divorce final for 6 months).  He also knows that I am a somewhat of a spiritual seeker and have studied Course in Miracles and such.  Yes, he knows exactly which buttons to push to create chaos in me and make me question myself.  The good thing is, is that as time goes on, his ability for any of his communications to affect my peace is becoming very, very weak. Sort of like a radio station that is breaking up as you drive out of the broadcast area.  The signal becomes less and less until all there is left is just static, and you finally look for another station or turn off the radio.