Throwing my hands up but BPD is in trouble

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After now several days of baiting, passive-aggressive (actually nothing passive about it) behavior, raging alcoholism, and the silent treatment, I am just at my wits end. I know I must leave. I am presently struggling with the knowledge that in order to return to the US, I will have to sell my mom’s engagement ring. This is the one reason I haven’t booked a flight already. I am having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I have to sell my mother’s engagement ring.

Logically, I ask myself, “If not now when?”. “What are you waiting for?”. I keep thinking that there MUST be another way to raise funds to get home. But that ring will provide the flight home, vet certificates for my cats, cat carriers, money for living expenses once I return home, and probably even the down payment on an apartment and several months of living. And yet I can not deal with the fact that I have to sell mom’s ring. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. It's going to break my heart. But clearly, I can’t remain here.

Another plan is to escape to a friend’s summer house in Northern Sweden. It will be vacant for the summer. In this way, I can take my cats and work from there collecting some money to get home.

I can not believe this one man has single handedly caused so much destruction in my life. When I return to the US, I will, for the most part, be homeless until I can find an apartment. I will have no car. I will have to rebuild my business… AGAIN. But at least I will have family who love and respect me. I will be at the rock bottom of my life … or maybe now I’m at rock bottom? As JK Rowling said, “Rock bottom gave me the solid fountain to rebuild my life.” I used to have a really good life!

Seven days of silent treatment complete with the following behaviors:

1. He has purchased very few groceries … well let me rephrase that. He has bought no groceries for my benefit. He has however purchased several boxes of wine (Yes boxes. each box = 4 bottles of wine) and has hidden out in his man cave for days drinking. He also purchased a loaf of bread and a block of cheese. He took that loaf into hiding in the man cave and left me with the moldy bread in the cabinet. There is no milk, no coffee, and at this point very little food. It is my understanding that he has no more money to support us because, of course, after paying the bills (like clockwork), he has spent the rest of it on alcohol. He will not be paid again until the 25th of the month. Money is always a stress trigger for him, but instead of working together as a partnership to improve this situation, he sees me to blame for this. This is the “end of the month trigger” which happens every single month.

2. The baiting and the aggression has been intense. If he sets eyes on me, there is always some nasty comment. “You can’t even do the dishes”, “Don’t throw the cheese away, if you don’t like it don’t eat it. Do you hear me? Don’t throw the cheese away.” (When have I ever thrown food away? That’s not my gig, that’s his projection). 

3. Other passive-aggressive behaviors over the last week include: leaving empty food containers in the frig. Refusal to pick up after himself and complete disregard for the messes he creates (he often leaves his clothes on the floor, refuses to wash a dish, I think it’s been days since he has bathed). He disconnected the TV. Shuts off the lights in a room where I’m sitting, leaving me in darkness. And of course, the silent treatment. He hides my stuff… just little things like my lipgloss, my books or magazine, or my lighter (should I happen to leave these things on the table) but I think this is either passive-aggressive crap to get my attention OR he is erasing me.

For four days, I did not respond to any of this. Last night when he baited me again about cleaning up (projection, I know) I responded by saying “Well I don’t know, but how about if you actually contribute to the care and maintenance of your own home?” This resulted in some back and forth culminating in my telling him, very calmly, that I can not continue to be treated in this manner and that I am considering leaving him. He responded by saying “Yeah yeah … I’ve heard that before. But thank god if you really do go!”

Later that evening  he comes staggering into the bedroom and hands me a glass of wine. I do not respond (but damn I drank the wine cause god knows I really needed it. LOL)

Last night, I went to the closed door of the man cave, and tapped quietly and asked if we could have a reasonable conversation. He tells me, “Not tonight, I’m watching Breaking Bad”. I can tell he was wasted. Fine, I leave without further comment.

This morning, I tap on the door again and ask if we can have a conversation. He snarls at me “What do you want from me now”. I said “Nothing but to have a conversation”. He is ___faced at 7am.  He snarls and from his statements he still 100% believes that I am at fault and the source of misery in his life. I believe at this point he has drank so much wine that he is actually suffering some alcohol poisoning and I believe he is having a full blown psychotic break. There is nothing else for me to do but turn and walk away.

Tomorrow I will sell some other pieces of jewelry and get a hotel. I read somewhere that BPDs will often abuse their victims and then consider their victims abusive when the partner fights against it or responds in some way.

[sadinsweden]

After now several days of baiting, passive-aggressive (actually nothing passive about it) behavior, raging alcoholism, and the silent treatment, I am just at my wits end. I know I must leave. I am presently struggling with the knowledge that in order to return to the US, I will have to sell my mom’s engagement ring. This is the one reason I haven’t booked a flight already. I am having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I have to sell my mother’s engagement ring.

Logically, I ask myself, “If not now when?”. “What are you waiting for?”. I keep thinking that there MUST be another way to raise funds to get home. But that ring will provide the flight home, vet certificates for my cats, cat carriers, money for living expenses once I return home, and probably even the down payment on an apartment and several months of living. And yet I can not deal with the fact that I have to sell mom’s ring. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. It's going to break my heart. But clearly, I can’t remain here.

Another plan is to escape to a friend’s summer house in Northern Sweden. It will be vacant for the summer. In this way, I can take my cats and work from there collecting some money to get home.

I can not believe this one man has single handedly caused so much destruction in my life. When I return to the US, I will, for the most part, be homeless until I can find an apartment. I will have no car. I will have to rebuild my business… AGAIN. But at least I will have family who love and respect me. I will be at the rock bottom of my life … or maybe now I’m at rock bottom? As JK Rowling said, “Rock bottom gave me the solid fountain to rebuild my life.” I used to have a really good life!

Seven days of silent treatment complete with the following behaviors:

1. He has purchased very few groceries … well let me rephrase that. He has bought no groceries for my benefit. He has however purchased several boxes of wine (Yes boxes. each box = 4 bottles of wine) and has hidden out in his man cave for days drinking. He also purchased a loaf of bread and a block of cheese. He took that loaf into hiding in the man cave and left me with the moldy bread in the cabinet. There is no milk, no coffee, and at this point very little food. It is my understanding that he has no more money to support us because, of course, after paying the bills (like clockwork), he has spent the rest of it on alcohol. He will not be paid again until the 25th of the month. Money is always a stress trigger for him, but instead of working together as a partnership to improve this situation, he sees me to blame for this. This is the “end of the month trigger” which happens every single month.

2. The baiting and the aggression has been intense. If he sets eyes on me, there is always some nasty comment. “You can’t even do the dishes”, “Don’t throw the cheese away, if you don’t like it don’t eat it. Do you hear me? Don’t throw the cheese away.” (When have I ever thrown food away? That’s not my gig, that’s his projection). 

3. Other passive-aggressive behaviors over the last week include: leaving empty food containers in the frig. Refusal to pick up after himself and complete disregard for the messes he creates (he often leaves his clothes on the floor, refuses to wash a dish, I think it’s been days since he has bathed). He disconnected the TV. Shuts off the lights in a room where I’m sitting, leaving me in darkness. And of course, the silent treatment. He hides my stuff… just little things like my lipgloss, my books or magazine, or my lighter (should I happen to leave these things on the table) but I think this is either passive-aggressive crap to get my attention OR he is erasing me.

For four days, I did not respond to any of this. Last night when he baited me again about cleaning up (projection, I know) I responded by saying “Well I don’t know, but how about if you actually contribute to the care and maintenance of your own home?” This resulted in some back and forth culminating in my telling him, very calmly, that I can not continue to be treated in this manner and that I am considering leaving him. He responded by saying “Yeah yeah … I’ve heard that before. But thank god if you really do go!”

Later that evening  he comes staggering into the bedroom and hands me a glass of wine. I do not respond (but damn I drank the wine cause god knows I really needed it. LOL)

Last night, I went to the closed door of the man cave, and tapped quietly and asked if we could have a reasonable conversation. He tells me, “Not tonight, I’m watching Breaking Bad”. I can tell he was wasted. Fine, I leave without further comment.

This morning, I tap on the door again and ask if we can have a conversation. He snarls at me “What do you want from me now”. I said “Nothing but to have a conversation”. He is ___faced at 7am.  He snarls and from his statements he still 100% believes that I am at fault and the source of misery in his life. I believe at this point he has drank so much wine that he is actually suffering some alcohol poisoning and I believe he is having a full blown psychotic break. There is nothing else for me to do but turn and walk away.

Tomorrow I will sell some other pieces of jewelry and get a hotel. I read somewhere that BPDs will often abuse their victims and then consider their victims abusive when the partner fights against it or responds in some way.

[tired-of-it-all]

I am very sorry about your mother's ring but in reality you are more important that a ring.  It is only stuff.  The loss of this ring may be what it takes to keep you from this or a future poison relationship.

You need to get away from this awful situation now.  There is nothing to be gained by staying in this horrible abuse.  YOU DESERVE BETTER.  YOU DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE.  You owe this man nothing and he is not going to change.  You cannot fix him.

When you get on that plane and head for home you are going to feel a relief that you cannot imagine.

[Surnia]

Sadinsweden

your bf is in trouble, with BPD and with a very serious drinking problem.

You cannot do anything for him. He has to do it.

May I ask you what do you wanted to talk with him?

Do you have still some hope?

I agree with others here, the situation with him in the same house is horrible. 

[sadinsweden]

I don't know. I don't know.

He's sobered up and boy did he have a lot of things to say. I am the source of all his misery. I can't cook. I can't clean. I can't even refill a humidifier. I can't take out the garbage. I just sit and watch tv all day. I don't work. I don't make a living. I'm always hiding behind my computer screen. I don't help put away groceries. My job is worthless, all I do is "click a mouse". My friend's hate me. My son's hate me. I don't know how to treat people. I'm abusive.

He, however, is lovely. He works all day to put a roof over my head. He cooks. He cleans. He buys the groceries. He commutes to work. And everyday that he comes home, there I am bhiting about something.

You have no idea how I have contorted myself in trying to make this guy happy.

No Surnia. I have no hope.

Tired of it All. Good advice. Still sucks but it's practical.

[sadinsweden]

I don't know why I keep writing here. I'm just so stunned. Here is the latest thing he has said to me ... . I keep leaving rooms to avoid the onslaught. He keeps following me. I am almost hoping for the silent treatment again. The craziest and meanest person I have ever met in my life.

He says I'm abusive and that he was advised the following by his friend who said, "Your fiance gets into your face because she wants you to beat her. That way she can call the cops on you. She'll charge you with abuse, have you thrown in jail, so she can go live at the women's shelter."

Yup. I swear to god that is what he said. And he's telling me this like it completely all makes sense to him now. Yes ... . that was my big agenda. Give up my life in the US, come here to trick him into beating me so I can go live at the women's shelter. LOLOL... . I'm sorry. I'm actually smiling now. Ok... . this is why I write here. Sometimes things just have to be written out to see the absurdity.

He's just left for the evening. A pub I guess. Liquor stores are closed on Sunday.

[PinkieV]

Don't you think your mom would want you to be safe and happy?  I know it's hard to let that ring go, it will be the final step to acknowledging the reality of your situation. But it seems you have it for a reason now, to save yourself.

[sadinsweden]

Don't you think your mom would want you to be safe and happy?  I know it's hard to let that ring go, it will be the final step to acknowledging the reality of your situation. But it seems you have it for a reason now, to save yourself.

Thank you PinkieV. Thank you for saying that. That gives me strength. But boy am I going to feel bad once I sell it. I keep trying to look at it as a path to freedom ... . which it is. Logically I know I HAVE TO GO! I'm so ready to go. Look at the stuff I've written. The man is clearly INSANE. But god damn ... . he's so freakin wonderful when he's not. I'm so struggling here.  :'(

I go between being soo angry. And then being soo sad. And finally tonight I cried. And I'm so angry that he has put me in this position. He has messed up my life and I knew he'll only keep going until I'm completely used up. I mean, it's amazing. In less than two years, I'm a shadow of my former self. A self that took 52 years to build. I can not allow this to continue because then, I will not even be able to save myself.

[tired-of-it-all]

It is easy for someone to be freaking wonderful FOR SHORT PERIODS OF TIME.  It is easy BECAUSE IT IS NOT TRUE.  IT IS A FREAKING ACT!  Mr. Wonderful is the typical, selfish alcoholic.  He isn't going to change.

When we live in an abusive relationship like the one you are in, (and believe me I have been there) we totally lose ourselves.  We lose track of who we were and what we want.  We believe the lies that our abuser tells us.

Before I got help, if you had asked me what would make me happy, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HEAR!  I really had no idea what would make me happy anymore because I had let my BPDWife suck the life out of me.  

The only way to get better is to detach from the problem.  With no support and living in a foreign country, your only way is to move out.  Back home to the US sounds best.  It will avoid any temptation to slide back.

You need friends, you need support, you need to get away and let your head clear of the fog.

How dare he criticize the type of business that you have.  It is none of his business.  If it makes your living and it is legal, you don't have to defend it to him.

That reminds me of my BPDWife.  I was working a full time job, had a side business, and another part time job.  She on the other hand would not work, kept a filthy house, would not clean or fix up herself, did nothing but criticize me.  Then one day she compared me to the laziest and most unproductive person that she and I both knew.  I was so sick and beat down THAT I BEGAN TO BELIEVE HER.

I know that it is dangerous to give advice but I really hope that you get away from this man.  You obviously have a lot to offer.  The fact that you can hold up under such abuse is a testament to your strength and character.  PLEASE BE GOOD TO YOURSELF AND GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN.

[sadinsweden]

How dare he criticize the type of business that you have.  It is none of his business.  If it makes your living and it is legal, you don't have to defend it to him.

That's right Tired-of-it-all! Especially when it has been my business that supported us every month since August when he'd run out of money 10 days after getting paid. In Sweden, you get paid every month on the 25th. Yes, he'd pay the bills, the rent, utilities etc like clockwork and then he'd drink the rest of his paycheck away. I WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK UP THE SLACK FOR THE NEXT 2-3 WEEKS EVERY SINGLE MONTH. No, but in his eyes ... . I'm the "freeloader".

You are right. All of you are right. I have plans to put into action tomorrow.

[Pecator]

Ahhh, Sadinsweden,

I have plans to put into action tomorrow

That is such good news to hear!

I have been following your situation with great concern. There has been tremendous support posted on this thread.

You now sound so empowered.

My uBPDex was never close to as abusive as what you are going through, But I can speak to the laundry list of blame and ranting, especially focussed on your business.

I am not sure if it is a BPD trait, or one of abusive people in general. But some people can hone in on the center of another and annihilate it.

I too have been smeared for being lazy and a freeloader. I was unemployed for over a year. In an email to her sister, my ex wrote, "With his level of education, unemployment is a choice. He obviously is choosing to be lazy."

Like Tired-of-it-all,

We believe the lies that our abuser tells us.

I was so sick and beat down THAT I BEGAN TO BELIEVE HER.

I internalized this and got lost in the FOG. I felt so horrible about my inability to contribute, I devoted myself to trying to prove her wrong... . All the while losing touch with the reality she could not embrace.

I came from nothing except a focus on my life-long dream career. I got my graduate degree from Berkeley. I am very strong in my profession. When opportunities dried up here (I too am living outside the US) I realized that I was content with my career. The family and plans we were creating would mean more to me than the constant push to further my career. One thing I loved about her was her ability to forego the desire for more and more. She helped me come to a healthy decision (one that I will continue to pursue even after I get through this mess) that there is so much more to life than career. I decided not to return to the US, which would further my career, because in the end family and stability would mean so much more.

Then suddenly, that choice was used against me. It meant that I was lazy and a freeloader.

I was unemployed for a year not because I was lazy, but to make this work. I needed the visas and work permits to allow me to work. I wasn't working because working would have been illegal! I could have worked in an instant, if I left her for my career. I stayed in a place where I was not eligible for unemployment nor social assistance. She persecuted me as a "freeloader." In the FOG, I bought into this BS. I felt so humiliated so often.

It amazing how some people can hone into the very core of our personal pride and annihilate it. My healing comes from discovering not how she could do this, but how I could buy into such a thing.

So glad you were able to not get stuck there.

You are an inspiration!

I am so glad you found this place. It obviously has helped you tremendously. I just wanted to let you know that your story has helped others tremendously as well


Oh, and saw another email where my ex spoke of my replacement, "I'd sooner have a kind and nice workaholic, than a fun, loving, lazy man." My anger is evolving to pity.

[tired-of-it-all]

Sad,

I hope that today was good for you.  I hope that you made some headway in making your life better.

[sadinsweden]

Thanks for your comments Pecator and Tired-of-it-all. I'm very overwhelmed today but I just wanted to come and let you know I'm making progress and have a potential plan ... . hopefully to the North of Sweden where I can take some time in the country to regroup and clear my head before heading home.

I'll write more in a few days but for today, I just can't think my way out of a box.

[Surnia]

Great to hear that.

Regroup yourself in the North and far away from him sounds like a plan. 

[ugghh]

Sad,

We are all here for you!  For your sake, please follow through with your plan.  I understand your pain about the ring, but to quote my therapist "Mental health is costly, but freedom is priceless!"

As hard as it can be, all stuff is at the end of the day just that - stuff.  I will tell the thing that you cannot replace, and that is the support of your family and friends back here in the states.  Regarding having to rebuild your business yet again, I can only reflect how I view my marriage to my stbx.  I could look at it as 25 years wasted and be forever saddened by what I have lost, but I have determined that instead I will look forward and be happy that I am getting out before I die and that I have many years ahead of me.  So do you.

I promise that with each day away from him, you will feel better and more confident in your decision.

[sadinsweden]

Hi everyone and thank you so much for your kind words and support. Yup, I'm still going ahead with my plan. I've just had enough. No relationship should be this hard. I'm tired of the BS. Tired of the passive aggressive games. The alcoholism. The BPD. The narcissistic behavior. The verbal abuse. The mental abuse. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of trying and I'm tried of expending energy on a relationship and a man who doesn't respect me or see my worth. I'm tired of always being beaten down. I used to have a life. Loved ones who liked me and respected me. I had a great business ... . and a successful one. I used to be able to put my energy into my work, my art ... . and for the last several months, I've only put energy into a failing relationship. Not only is he killing me spiritually, but he is causing the ruination of a 12 year business. In two years, he has destroyed what it took me YEARS to build. It's a no win situation and I'm done wasting my time.

You know, being an expat in a new country is hard enough even with the support of a loved one. This ... . this has been a nightmare. Rather then helping. He's assisted in making life more difficult.

Diamonds? No. I've been wearing that diamond for days now ... . and do you know what I know see? The path to freedom. The beauty and the sentiment behind that ring means nothing to me anymore. It is the means to my escape.

[PinkieV]

I'm glad to see you're here posting. I lost my mom four years ago, and then my husband almost three years ago. While I'm glad she wasn't here to see me go through that, I still missed and needed my mom. But I know she's always here for me, and your mom is right there with you. 

[Seneca]

Sad, a ring is a thing that you will not be able to take into the afterworld with you, and it will go on being a useless thing that lays in a drawer after you've gone. You could trade that thing in, to get a better life for yourself, make an impact on your little corner of the world, and thereby - a lasting legacy. But when you are in this horrible prison and constantly beat down, you are not an effective human with love to spread around. You are simply surviving. Trade in the thing. I know it's a precious thing. But is your LIFE not worth more than a ring?