Question about projection and reattribution of anger

[Daliah]

This is a bit longer than I had intended it to be. I am interested in whether this is BPD-related and in your opinions and similar experiences.

I received a new email from my uBPD/NPD mother with whom I went NC ten years ago. I keep reading these emails with a view to particular red flags because my parents have stalked me in the past. But I don't reply to their emails.

She said nothing out of the ordinary for her, only advised me again that she and my father aren't getting any younger and quoted the usual distance diagnoses about me that her therapist has supposedly come up with. She still thinks my going NC is about getting back at her and the rest of my family of origin. Everything I do or don't do that she knows about is still about her. Old news.

But something struck me that also wasn't new, but that hadn't stood out to me as much before. She prefaced the diagnoses with the words 'I know this will make you incredibly angry again ... . '.

Angry. Again.

For as long as I have known my parents, I was not allowed to express even mild anger, least of all at them. The consequences to doing so - even calmly - were so drastic that I learned very early on that I had to mask it and hide it from them if I didn't want to be punished constantly and badmouthed outside the family to the point where I would have had to accept openly living as a social pariah. My parents were very inventive in making me look bad to others as it was, and they were well-respected and utterly believable.

So, they didn't get anger from me. Much less frequently, to where they might say 'again'.

Why, then? Where does that come from? Revisionist history? Projection? Because it has no basis in what actually happened.

It also made me think of an incident that demonstrated to me something that I now suspect often happened without my knowledge. My sister was prone to flying into rages. In contrast to me, who wasn't allowed to express mild upset, she was allowed to rant and rage until she got it out of her system, up to and including physically assaulting me, even when we weren't small children anymore and she could do some actual harm.

One time she flew into the rage of her life at our mother - screaming, breaking things, pointless screeching, insults... . I don't know anymore how long it lasted, precisely, but it wasn't brief. I think she was 14 years old at the time. Afterwards, my mother briefly stopped talking to both of us, then picked back up with my sister as if nothing had happened and kept ignoring me except to bark orders at me. This wasn't unusual, but even for her the tone towards me was unusually harsh, and when I asked non-essential questions she would keep ignoring me.

A few days into this spiel I mustered the courage to ask her what was going on. Her answer? Did I think I could rage at her like I had without consequence. I was dumbfounded and said something to the effect that that had been my sister. Her reply: 'Stop blaming [sister]!', followed by the next order to do something.

My sister was (and continues to be, as far as I know) the all-good/golden child, I was the all-bad one/scapegoat. So, perhaps this went on the whole time? That I wasn't just blamed for whatever went wrong, but that at least my mother managed to project or transfer the negative actions of others, even when she had witnessed them, onto me?

It looks plausible given what happened that time, but two things make me wonder if this could actually have been going on regularly. For one thing, it is really extraordinarily delusional to reattribute a rage tantrum you have witnessed to a person other than the one who threw it. I can hardly imagine how she did it that one time, let alone as a rule. And secondly, it is inconsistent: my parents punished me harshly at the first expression of mild upset, often enough even when they just thought something might be coming that I hadn't even begun to express or when nothing was going on. My mother should have known that there was no way that she or my father would have let things progress to the point of a sheer rage tantrum if it had been me. But she seemed astonishingly convinced at the time.

And, she put those words in writing, and not for the first time - that it will make me angry again. It really jumped out at me this time.

Did you experience anything like this? Do you know what this is? Because it seems more extreme than projection. Or is the anger more likely projection from her onto me and the reattribution to me of things that my sister did something else? Can this be put in the context of BPD or is it, perhaps in part, something else?

[Sitara]

Maybe a mixture of projection with some feelings = fact?

My mother and sister were the ones who usually got into raging fights with each other, but I did sometimes get dragged/egged into a fight with her. But overall, they did most of the shouting and all of the swearing and name calling.

I'm not the type who likes to leave issues unsaid, so I do tend to bring up issues, trying to do so calmly, but as my mom gets immediately insulted things would often escalate quickly. It wasn't until towards the end of our relationship where I was able to bring up minor issues and not allow it to turn into a fight.

For example, my mom babysat my son, and we had some expensive leather shoes which she allowed him to go mud puddle jumping in, which left them soaking, muddy, and unusable. So I calmly asked her to not let him jump in puddles when he was wearing those shoes. She immediately got defensive, started yelling, and stomped out of the house. Then she went around telling everyone including my husband that I had "chewed her out." The worst part was that she did the same thing again not long after.

That's just one example of a calmer discussion I've tried having with her, but after we had several of these discussions she stopped talking to me because she didn't want to get "yelled at again." These were things that needed to be discussed yet she accused me of being out of control and gave me no way to resolve the issues. It was incredibly frustrating.

I've also heard the ":)on't blame this on hit__" before, like she needed me to be the issue. I wonder if she just needed to use me as an emotional dumping ground and she couldn't do that if she couldn't see it as my fault or what.

Unfortunately I can't give you the straight answer you're looking for but, no this type of behavior isn't uncommon.

[Lise]

I'm not sure, I know how to correctly label that behavior ... . my guess is that it's projection combined with the fact that she thinks you're angry, therefor you ARE angry.

I do recognize the behavior, though. My BPD-mom'd do the same thing. She always labelled me as hysterical and furious, even when the truth of it all was that she and my brother were the ones doing 80% of the raging in our home.

It usually went this way: She began raging and screaming for some-or-other reason, I'd have to stand there and take it. Eventually she'd yell something like: "How can you act this way towards your own mother, you awful bi**h" and stomp off into her bedroom, where she'd wail and yell for some time. Eventually she'd come out again with a whole new manuscript for what'd happened, and I'd have to apologize for being mean, selfish, etc., etc., and for raging and screaming and behaving like a spoiled brat.   

Attempts to correct her perception of what had just happened would be treated like evidence that I was delusional or lead to her repeating the wailing, yelling and stomping out-part. 

I am pretty sure that (in part) because of this part where I (unwillingly) assist her in rewriting the past, she'll have a recollection of the incident as having happened exactly as in her "manuscript". For heaven's sake, she'd even have my apology to prove it.

[Louise7777]

Maybe because she knows SHE would rage if she was treated the way you are/were? So she assumes you are angry too... . BPDs cant put themselves in other people´s shoes (so I understood). They believe everybody feels like they do... .

I guess this yelling/ raging has a lot to do with their narcissistic traits. They cant take a minor scratch on their egos, it drives them into rages... . Meanwhile us (nons and scapegoats) are supposed to take it in silence and obbey orders.

I see a lot of projection on my uBPD relatives, they rage, yell and insult and then they are the victims of other´s ... . Its crazy, but once you detach and leave them alone with their dramas you are fine... . To the point that I met 2 of my uBPDs yesterday and they didnt affect me at all... . It was the first time in my whole life that I felt so calm when around them... . I hope you remain NC. Best of luck.

[clljhns]

Dahalia,

I agree with the previous posts about projection. I think that Louise777 makes a good point about BPD's not being able to recognize the feelings of others. It reminds me of a three year old who thinks that if they are happy, everyone else, and when they are upset or sad, everyone else. Toddlers aren't able to differentiate their own feelings from those of others. This is something that they will learn through socialization later. I would like to add that I wonder if she is setting the stage for an apology from you, so that she can once again be absolved of any wrong-doing.

My mom never admitted when she was wrong, and often would rewrite history to match her perception of being the victim. Often she would deny doing and saying things, and then much later would whine and cry to me and my siblings about how she knew she wasn't a good mother. Our response of course was to run and hug her and tell her what a wonderful mother she is. Ugh! Makes me want to puke just thinking about how manipulative she is.

My mom was a master at insulting, berating, and raging at us, and then once she felt better, she assumed that we felt okay as well. She would often retreat to her room, at which time, my oldest sister, knowing the routine, would go in to comfort her. Then, as if on cue, they would come out of her bedroom, and she would continue to now chastise the offending child, until they apologized. After which, she would smile, and then go about her merry way. Meanwhile, we are trying to patch holes in our souls from the latest hand grenade that she had just lobbed at us. Later she would talk to us as if nothing had ever happened, and if we looked shell-shocked, she would ask in disbelief what was the matter. We knew better than to tell her that her raging and abusive rant had caused us much pain, coupled with the fact that most of the time we never knew what sparked the outburst. So we learned to suck it up, and tell her that everything was okay. After all, now that she had released her anger, she felt better, ergo we must also!

Crazy is all I can say! I don't have a definitive answer, but I can certainly empathize with what you experienced.

[Louise7777]

clljhns, the denying and rewriting history is something I saw too. And if by any chance we say "it didnt happen in that way" they rage again or play victim... . Nowadays I dont comment, dont react, dont even blink... . Funny thing, many times I dont even listen some things my uBPD/NPD says, I guess its a mechanism to avoid mental stress 

Not wanting to hijack the thread, but I had a friend who did the "oh, Im such a bad friend to you"... . and of course Id say no and reassure her. This happened when she needed or wanted something from me and then resurfaced with that line... . Then I learnt about PDs... . And I believe she has at least HPD traits... . Last time she said it though, I didnt reassure her, I answered something like "oh its ok, you were busy and so was I, thats why I didnt contact you either". I sensed her reaction and she was surprised and not pleased at all. I ended the "friendship" right there, she was never there for me but always came back using manipulations when it suited her.

I guess we learn how to spot a PD from 10 miles nowadays... . Thats the good side of it.

[coraliesolange]

When I was in that ageframe between helpless and big enough to do something about it my mom would hit me or my little siblings and I never told anyone because I felt helpless, but I'd hit her right back because I was big enough. I remember once she came to me all "bewildered" about how I can rage on her and then act like nothing is wrong 10 minutes later.  She thought it was ok to hit 3 year olds but IIIIIII was the one with a rage issue.  A couple of weeks ago when my dad died her most enabling friend came to our house and when my mom started harassing my sister who happens to have disabilities I told her to leave her alone and proceeded to get SCREAMED at (on the very day my dad died in HIS house) about how I've been terrorizing my family since I was 10.  It wasn't even my mom that was screaming at me, it was her crazy friend (who actually was literally never in our home during my adolescence).  My god but they can make things up and once they do you'd better believe it's true!

[Daliah]

Thank you for all your replies! I have read each one, and there are so many interesting (even if sadly not in a good way) and similar experiences.

I don't have much time to write anything today, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate your help and will get back to this post sometime later this week.

Coraliesolange, I'm sorry to hear your father died recently. My condolences, if appropriate.