Guys like US or should I say ME

[Split black]

I ripped this from another board but it hit home for me.

"Guys like us walk right past all the emotionally available women (boring!) until we find an unstable woman who desperately needs us. We do this because we have difficulty feeling like we are being loved if the woman does not desperately need us. Hence, we want to ride in, like the white knight, to rescue the damsel in distress.

This goal is a disaster, however, when we encounter BPDers, to whom we naturally gravitate. The problem is that they don't really want to be saved. Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims." This is why, every time you pulled your exGF from the raging seas, you saw her jumping right back into the water within two weeks."

[Skip]

"Guys like us walk right past all the emotionally available women (boring!) until we find an unstable woman who desperately needs us. We do this because we have difficulty feeling like we are being loved if the woman does not desperately need us. Hence, we want to ride in, like the white knight, to rescue the damsel in distress.

There is certainly validity of this for some of our members.  Is it unstable, or is it "weaker" or more emotionally open or some other broader characteristic?

This goal is a disaster, however, when we encounter BPDers, to whom we naturally gravitate.

It may be that pwBPD are just a subset of a broader type of person we are attracted too - so for some of us this "type" worked for us until we got into a difficult "BPD" relationship.

The problem is that they don't really want to be saved. Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims." This is why, every time you pulled your exGF from the raging seas, you saw her jumping right back into the water within two weeks.

pwBD are hypersensitive and impulsive and have limited ability to filter emotions - this is part of their basic personality. This is what drives a lot of the drama on their end.  And, it is these very same personality traits, in positive form, that made them so attractive - emotional expression.   You might even say that idealization and devaluation are the same - one being the flip side of the other.

We can easy perceive it as they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims."  But it may not be so accurate.

[ivan da terrible]

I admit that I have passed up women because I didn't feel the chemistry or electricity.  I think stories like this are as old as mankind.  My family of origin had a lot of drama issues, and I think that is why I gravitated to relationships that were very similar.  I have been out of my second marriage for over one year, and I am coming to terms with a few things.  One of those is I am not the bad guy that I was labeled as.  I provided love and  support during both marriages, and yet they were never satisfied.  They made my life a living hell at times.  But now I know that I wasn't the bad guy.  I thank bpdfamily for helping me learn this.  This alone has been a big burden off my shoulders. 

Split Black... . just know that it wasn't all your fault.  They may try and saddle you with all the blame, but don't believe it.  It is pure projection. 

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I  had stayed.  In the end, it would be as bad as it was at its worst with silent treatment and lots of FOG.  I'd probably be wishing I was outta there or dead.  That is no way to live. 

[coolioqq]

This goal is a disaster, however, when we encounter BPDers, to whom we naturally gravitate. The problem is that they don't really want to be saved. Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims." This is why, every time you pulled your exGF from the raging seas, you saw her jumping right back into the water within two weeks."

My dBPDexgf actually talked about the whole savior complex thing... . At the time, I didn't know what she was really trying to say, nor did I know a thing about BPD. The thing is they don't want to be saved, they just want saviors. It's the feeling of being saved that they are addicted to. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a specific brain chemistry behind this feeling that they are extremely addicted to. That's why they will stop at nothing to get their "fix."

[2010]

Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims."

Borderlines don’t pretend to be victimized. They are at a stage of arrested development that promotes disordered thought about their inability to become whole. That’s a fancy way of saying they are immature and are showing you the age of development where they are stuck.

Because of the failure to separate and individuate during development, they often attract people who have “ideas of reference” about who they are. Borderlines then turn these people into pseudo-parents which further reinforces their unstable sense of self and causes them to flee. The easiest and most life affirming connection they make is with people who place them in “one-down” positions. Those are the rescuers, saviors and white knights as well as the voice hogs and self centered.

Rescuers, saviors, white knights are all “false selves.” They are all coats of armor to protect the “true self” from being hurt. Borderlines are attracted to the “false selves” of others because of their ability to value the needs of the Borderline *and* in return, Borderlines adapt themselves according to whatever the “false self” of the partner projects.

Confused? That’s OK. It will take some understanding of your identity which is now suffering a crisis.

Here’s probably what happened: The lack of stable self (the Borderline) bought protection out of weakness by attaching to the stronger “false” self, but this formed a false bond out of neediness for both parties. People who need helpless people to feel better about themselves, (hereafter known as vulnerable narcissists) pair up resplendently with Borderlines, whose compulsions involve attaching to people who have strong opinions about how they should live and then hating them for those opinions. This activates intra-psychic scapegoating and persecution fears which further fuel engulfment fears and create the need to escape. In effect, finalizing the distorted belief that BOTH PARTIES have that they have BOTH been victimized and cannot trust anyone.

Borderlines will impulsively find a new person with strong opinions and repeat the process or they will become hermits and never leave the house. Vulnerable Narcissists will also find a new rewarding mirror ball to feel better about the carefully constructed "false self."

That bears repeating: The Borderline lack of stable self bought protection out of weakness. The “false self” presented strength and offered it in exchange for the weakness. This is an immature, fantasy based scenario for both parties that could not be maintained because all humans need to be autonomous and act on their own free will before they can be healthy adults. A person with Borderline personality will be constantly struggling with this.

All good relationships have an element of childlike wonder in them. However, if a fantasy role (supported by the false self of the altruist and the true self of the Borderline) was the majority of the relationship, then one person is using the other to remain in a one-up parent position while the other remains in a childlike or irresponsible state.  For her to become mature means putting away childish expectations of being carried like a child in life or having a pseudo-parent for a partner.

And being a pseudo-parent is going to cause some demons to trigger in the mind of a Borderline. This is a person with an extremely fragile sense of self which causes her to have a need to displace blame for her anxiety concerning her failure to become “whole.”

In blame, people cast distorted perceptions about *others responsibility* for their painful, fractious self, which causes the recipients of their blame to become defensive and then reflect blame in return. That goes against exactly what Borderlines don’t want *intellectually* to happen; their abandonment. It does, however, do exactly what the *disordered belief* wants and needs concerning persecution, scapegoating and splitting.

Contrary to much of what is written by misinformed people who are still knee deep in their own pain, people suffering from Borderline aren’t doing this to you on purpose. This is a disorder.

Blame disallows any self-introspection to occur- for both parties. So let’s take a look at this again.

Borderlines borrow aspects of “others” to strengthen themselves. They do this with idealization of personality strength, in what can appear to the “other” like a soul mate bond. This causes projective identification on the part of the partner who projects “good” onto the other. Projecting good can also mean that the bad parts of the self are disowned and projected onto the other in order to be resolved.

That means that a younger woman who is doing her best to avoid growing up, may look for an older man who will encourage her helplessness but not her feelings about helplessness. If that young woman has Borderline personality disorder, she may even prefer a large age gap between her partner to balance the neediness of *both people* and make what she has to offer more viable. Youth and sex become a personalized commodity in the evaluation of the partner’s “needs.”

These two things can be very appealing to an older Man, but they are dependent upon an exchange. These relationships are not about equality and growing old together - they are about fighting growing old, for both parties. Feelings come out of this.

When the Borderline fear, which is defuse and pervasive, is displaced onto the attachment bond and the partner receives an attack on the false self without warning, two things happen- the partner either withdraws or feels forced to defend the “false” self. At this juncture, both parties are participants in maladaptive coping measures- especially those concerning identity.

How will you know and recognize your false self? When it doesn’t work anymore. Whatever was presented in strength has now become a weakness. If you started out as a rescuer, you will eventually become a victim. If you started out in a one up position, you will end up at the same level. Because your false self involves fantasy thinking rather than reality testing; it has not survived. As they say, the mask comes off.  Not theirs- YOURS.

If you are continually finding yourself in one-up positions in your relationships rather than a stance of equality, therein lies your need (to overcome.) Your drive toward these unequal partners supports your false self. You've got to stop repeating the lessons that you should have learned from previous failures of rescuing needy women and then feeling used by them. That’s further entrenching your armor.

You want a person to love you, not for what you can give them, but for who you are. Not your false self. Not the car you drive, the money you spend, your physique or appearance, but the true you. That little kid inside that’s behind all that armor, who you keep hidden, that just wants to be loved.

Let it happen but first let go of the need to pretend and fix your false self. It’s broken for a reason.  

[Kallor74]

Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims."

Borderlines don’t pretend to be victimized. They are at a stage of arrested development that promotes disordered thought about their inability to become whole. That’s a fancy way of saying they are immature and are showing you the age of development where they are stuck.

Because of the failure to separate and individuate during development, they often attract people who have “ideas of reference” about who they are. Borderlines then turn these people into pseudo-parents which further reinforces their unstable sense of self and causes them to flee. The easiest and most life affirming connection they make is with people who place them in “one-down” positions. Those are the rescuers, saviors and white knights as well as the voice hogs and self centered.

Rescuers, saviors, white knights are all “false selves.” They are all coats of armor to protect the “true self” from being hurt. Borderlines are attracted to the “false selves” of others because of their ability to value the needs of the Borderline *and* in return, Borderlines adapt themselves according to whatever the “false self” of the partner projects.

Confused? That’s OK. It will take some understanding of your identity which is now suffering a crisis.

Here’s probably what happened: The lack of stable self (the Borderline) bought protection out of weakness by attaching to the stronger “false” self, but this formed a false bond out of neediness for both parties. People who need helpless people to feel better about themselves, (hereafter known as vulnerable narcissists) pair up resplendently with Borderlines, whose compulsions involve attaching to people who have strong opinions about how they should live and then hating them for those opinions. This activates intra-psychic scapegoating and persecution fears which further fuel engulfment fears and create the need to escape. In effect, finalizing the distorted belief that BOTH PARTIES have that they have BOTH been victimized and cannot trust anyone.

Borderlines will impulsively find a new person with strong opinions and repeat the process or they will become hermits and never leave the house. Vulnerable Narcissists will also find a new rewarding mirror ball to feel better about the carefully constructed "false self."

That bears repeating: The Borderline lack of stable self bought protection out of weakness. The “false self” presented strength and offered it in exchange for the weakness. This is an immature, fantasy based scenario for both parties that could not be maintained because all humans need to be autonomous and act on their own free will before they can be healthy adults. A person with Borderline personality will be constantly struggling with this.

All good relationships have an element of childlike wonder in them. However, if a fantasy role (supported by the false self of the altruist and the true self of the Borderline) was the majority of the relationship, then one person is using the other to remain in a one-up parent position while the other remains in a childlike or irresponsible state.  For her to become mature means putting away childish expectations of being carried like a child in life or having a pseudo-parent for a partner.

And being a pseudo-parent is going to cause some demons to trigger in the mind of a Borderline. This is a person with an extremely fragile sense of self which causes her to have a need to displace blame for her anxiety concerning her failure to become “whole.”

In blame, people cast distorted perceptions about *others responsibility* for their painful, fractious self, which causes the recipients of their blame to become defensive and then reflect blame in return. That goes against exactly what Borderlines don’t want *intellectually* to happen; their abandonment. It does, however, do exactly what the *disordered belief* wants and needs concerning persecution, scapegoating and splitting.

Contrary to much of what is written by misinformed people who are still knee deep in their own pain, people suffering from Borderline aren’t doing this to you on purpose. This is a disorder.

Blame disallows any self-introspection to occur- for both parties. So let’s take a look at this again.

Borderlines borrow aspects of “others” to strengthen themselves. They do this with idealization of personality strength, in what can appear to the “other” like a soul mate bond. This causes projective identification on the part of the partner who projects “good” onto the other. Projecting good can also mean that the bad parts of the self are disowned and projected onto the other in order to be resolved.

That means that a younger woman who is doing her best to avoid growing up, may look for an older man who will encourage her helplessness but not her feelings about helplessness. If that young woman has Borderline personality disorder, she may even prefer a large age gap between her partner to balance the neediness of *both people* and make what she has to offer more viable. Youth and sex become a personalized commodity in the evaluation of the partner’s “needs.”

These two things can be very appealing to an older Man, but they are dependent upon an exchange. These relationships are not about equality and growing old together - they are about fighting growing old, for both parties. Feelings come out of this.

When the Borderline fear, which is defuse and pervasive, is displaced onto the attachment bond and the partner receives an attack on the false self without warning, two things happen- the partner either withdraws or feels forced to defend the “false” self. At this juncture, both parties are participants in maladaptive coping measures- especially those concerning identity.

How will you know and recognize your false self? When it doesn’t work anymore. Whatever was presented in strength has now become a weakness. If you started out as a rescuer, you will eventually become a victim. If you started out in a one up position, you will end up at the same level. Because your false self involves fantasy thinking rather than reality testing; it has not survived. As they say, the mask comes off.  Not theirs- YOURS.

If you are continually finding yourself in one-up positions in your relationships rather than a stance of equality, therein lies your need (to overcome.) Your drive toward these unequal partners supports your false self. You've got to stop repeating the lessons that you should have learned from previous failures of rescuing needy women and then feeling used by them. That’s further entrenching your armor.

You want a person to love you, not for what you can give them, but for who you are. Not your false self. Not the car you drive, the money you spend, your physique or appearance, but the true you. That little kid inside that’s behind all that armor, who you keep hidden, that just wants to be loved.

Let it happen but first let go of the need to pretend and fix your false self. It’s broken for a reason. 

Wow, i feel like you were talking directly to me and your observations were spine chilling. 

My "mask" was shattered and it really rocked me to the core.  I want to stop this cycle of rebuilding it because  i fear it will only put me back in the same situation with a person very similar i have to "save".     

[Turkish]

It may be that pwBPD are just a subset of a broader type of person we are attracted too - so for some of us this "type" worked for us until we got into a difficult "BPD" relationship.

I can say this for myself. My hs gf was waifish... . a type I am attracted to, but in retrospect, did not exhibit any BPD traits, though I thought at the time she was emotionally immature for her age. In college, a woman twice my age took a liking to me. She liked the way I listened to her. She had issues (and three children from different fathers... .  ), so I spurned her advances. When I started my career shortly thereafter, by chance i was paired with a work partner who in retrospect I am positive was BPD (she had most traits: intense anger which was obvious to everyone she worked with,  suicide ideation, violence, (she ended up in the local mental hospital for a weekend over that one, as well as an assault on her bf at the time. She had previously pulled a knife on her stbxh and was arrested for that). Obvious object constancy issues. She was also an alcoholic though that took me a few years to find out. My boundaries were poor in that situation. This woman was 14 years older than I.

A brief gf in my late 20s. She was also a waif, similar to my hs gf, but didn't have any obvious issues that I could tell. Other than some poor judgements and low self esteem, she is doing ok as I am tangentially in touch with her through FB (though a mutual friend, really). She was 6 years younger.

Then an obvious waif at work, a shy, troubled woman with low self-esteem, in more pain going through her husband divorcing her. Pretty nonetheless (like my uBPDx). I turned that one down. She is 11 years older. I'm glad she seems to have a partner now, because I think I am still weak in that regard. I don't see her much, but she is still at the company, and she knows what happened to me.

Then my waifish, at least at first, uBPDx. Almost 11 years younger than I. An obvious father-daughter dynamic, I only realized later (which horrified me). Her previous attractions, like her current one, were to much younger men (boys, to me). She came more up to my level than I down to hers, which caused friction from the start. So in all of this there is a pattern: either emotionally immature women, those in need of emotional rescue, or a combination thereof.

Except for the older woman I knew in college, whom I didn't get to know that well, all of these women had either absent fathers, or emotionally distant ones. I knew their lives well enough to know this. So was I also trying to be the father that I never had?

The interesting thing is that I sensed attraction from stable, mature women as well. Women who were married and secure. A few got frustrated with me sometimes, like "you should be married! Why aren't you married yet? You'd make a good H." My former boss even tried to fix me up with an acquaintance (my first impression of this women was that she had neurotic tendencies... . and observing the frightened way her daughter acted as opposed to my friend's children confirmed to me that I didn't want any part of that, not even one date).

So did I project something different to the healthy women as opposed to the others? I don't really think so. I think it was more my lack of self-esteem in not letting my inner shield armor down to mature, available women, in combination with having poor boundaries with some of the other troubled ones.

[Split black]

Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims."

Borderlines don’t pretend to be victimized. They are at a stage of arrested development that promotes disordered thought about their inability to become whole. That’s a fancy way of saying they are immature and are showing you the age of development where they are stuck.

Because of the failure to separate and individuate during development, they often attract people who have “ideas of reference” about who they are. Borderlines then turn these people into pseudo-parents which further reinforces their unstable sense of self and causes them to flee. The easiest and most life affirming connection they make is with people who place them in “one-down” positions. Those are the rescuers, saviors and white knights as well as the voice hogs and self centered.

Rescuers, saviors, white knights are all “false selves.” They are all coats of armor to protect the “true self” from being hurt. Borderlines are attracted to the “false selves” of others because of their ability to value the needs of the Borderline *and* in return, Borderlines adapt themselves according to whatever the “false self” of the partner projects.

Confused? That’s OK. It will take some understanding of your identity which is now suffering a crisis.

Here’s probably what happened: The lack of stable self (the Borderline) bought protection out of weakness by attaching to the stronger “false” self, but this formed a false bond out of neediness for both parties. People who need helpless people to feel better about themselves, (hereafter known as vulnerable narcissists) pair up resplendently with Borderlines, whose compulsions involve attaching to people who have strong opinions about how they should live and then hating them for those opinions. This activates intra-psychic scapegoating and persecution fears which further fuel engulfment fears and create the need to escape. In effect, finalizing the distorted belief that BOTH PARTIES have that they have BOTH been victimized and cannot trust anyone.

Borderlines will impulsively find a new person with strong opinions and repeat the process or they will become hermits and never leave the house. Vulnerable Narcissists will also find a new rewarding mirror ball to feel better about the carefully constructed "false self."

That bears repeating: The Borderline lack of stable self bought protection out of weakness. The “false self” presented strength and offered it in exchange for the weakness. This is an immature, fantasy based scenario for both parties that could not be maintained because all humans need to be autonomous and act on their own free will before they can be healthy adults. A person with Borderline personality will be constantly struggling with this.

All good relationships have an element of childlike wonder in them. However, if a fantasy role (supported by the false self of the altruist and the true self of the Borderline) was the majority of the relationship, then one person is using the other to remain in a one-up parent position while the other remains in a childlike or irresponsible state.  For her to become mature means putting away childish expectations of being carried like a child in life or having a pseudo-parent for a partner.

And being a pseudo-parent is going to cause some demons to trigger in the mind of a Borderline. This is a person with an extremely fragile sense of self which causes her to have a need to displace blame for her anxiety concerning her failure to become “whole.”

In blame, people cast distorted perceptions about *others responsibility* for their painful, fractious self, which causes the recipients of their blame to become defensive and then reflect blame in return. That goes against exactly what Borderlines don’t want *intellectually* to happen; their abandonment. It does, however, do exactly what the *disordered belief* wants and needs concerning persecution, scapegoating and splitting.

Contrary to much of what is written by misinformed people who are still knee deep in their own pain, people suffering from Borderline aren’t doing this to you on purpose. This is a disorder.

Blame disallows any self-introspection to occur- for both parties. So let’s take a look at this again.

Borderlines borrow aspects of “others” to strengthen themselves. They do this with idealization of personality strength, in what can appear to the “other” like a soul mate bond. This causes projective identification on the part of the partner who projects “good” onto the other. Projecting good can also mean that the bad parts of the self are disowned and projected onto the other in order to be resolved.

That means that a younger woman who is doing her best to avoid growing up, may look for an older man who will encourage her helplessness but not her feelings about helplessness. If that young woman has Borderline personality disorder, she may even prefer a large age gap between her partner to balance the neediness of *both people* and make what she has to offer more viable. Youth and sex become a personalized commodity in the evaluation of the partner’s “needs.”

These two things can be very appealing to an older Man, but they are dependent upon an exchange. These relationships are not about equality and growing old together - they are about fighting growing old, for both parties. Feelings come out of this.

When the Borderline fear, which is defuse and pervasive, is displaced onto the attachment bond and the partner receives an attack on the false self without warning, two things happen- the partner either withdraws or feels forced to defend the “false” self. At this juncture, both parties are participants in maladaptive coping measures- especially those concerning identity.

How will you know and recognize your false self? When it doesn’t work anymore. Whatever was presented in strength has now become a weakness. If you started out as a rescuer, you will eventually become a victim. If you started out in a one up position, you will end up at the same level. Because your false self involves fantasy thinking rather than reality testing; it has not survived. As they say, the mask comes off.  Not theirs- YOURS.

If you are continually finding yourself in one-up positions in your relationships rather than a stance of equality, therein lies your need (to overcome.) Your drive toward these unequal partners supports your false self. You've got to stop repeating the lessons that you should have learned from previous failures of rescuing needy women and then feeling used by them. That’s further entrenching your armor.

You want a person to love you, not for what you can give them, but for who you are. Not your false self. Not the car you drive, the money you spend, your physique or appearance, but the true you. That little kid inside that’s behind all that armor, who you keep hidden, that just wants to be loved.

Let it happen but first let go of the need to pretend and fix your false self. It’s broken for a reason.  

2010... .  I actually have a degree in psychology, worked towards masters many many years ago before owning business. This is absolutely spot on, so spot on I have read it six times. Absolutely brilliant and screams volumes to me personally. I found myself choking up as it forced me to look back hard at that little kid who never did get the love he desperately craved.   Yet understanding this intellectually, does help eliminate some anguish and misdirected longing. If you are not a therapist I would pay to see you, I dont care how old you are. Brilliant analysis and profiling. Brilliant.

Not only that... . the ex ex Im becoming re-involved with, although also in therapy is displaying many waif like behaviors... . this afternoon she asked me if I was seeing anyone ( again ) she said if I do thats fine just please tell her. ( This being our 4th date )  Shes in a new job, and of course broke, and struggling... . something happened to her cell phone today... . lost it... and a car tire... and something else. She had no gas in her car... .   Well... Sir Lancelot to the rescue and helped her out... . she was conflicted and torn about accepting but she did and was very grateful. Omg... .   My mind is still spinning from my ex... . being distracted with my ex ex, who I was very much into a year and a half ago before I got dumped on my ass... . just doesn't feel right. Shes been very forth coming but she has secrets within secrets.  Im a mess.

[Time4me]

Thank you all so much for your insightful posts.  I am re-reading the 2010 post multiple times to get it to sink in.  This is tough stuff to understand and internalize.

[Split black]

Yes... . needs to be re-read like a mantra. Over and over and over. Brilliant. Scary.

[allweareisallweare]

It's not exactly as if everyone rides into a relationship as white knight, conscious of their savior role, conscious of the BPD damsel (male or female) I never felt as if I was entering a relationship to save a doomed person - YOU CANNOT SAVE THEM it is a fallacy and mindtrick to convince ourselves in out hearts we have the love, in our bodies the strength and in our eyelids the tears! to save them when they're like meteorites; but we try anyway, even if we are the whitest of white white white knights. I will say that as the BPD developed itself - and she was diagnosed - then yes, I, because I am compassionate and loving as hell of course, it developed into that - I know my strengths I know because of things in childhood and let's face it adulthood (even as I type I am so burnt out, wow) I realised my own staying power - but ffs, as in the relationship, I stayed too long, as probably in certain life scenarios. So although I knew I was in a BPD relationship - actually, well, I would have fought on - but it was the ugly ugly breakup - i.e her (and to this day she hasn't had the courage to tell me) finding a new replacement literally days after what I reckon was an enforced break up -so he was the new savior - from me? Wow. I'm not that bad. But when you're mentally ill and make enemies then it just comes naturally to ignore that. l

[gary seven]

Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims."

You want a person to love you, not for what you can give them, but for who you are. Not your false self. Not the car you drive, the money you spend, your physique or appearance, but the true you. That little kid inside that’s behind all that armor, who you keep hidden, that just wants to be loved.

Two words for this most eloquent essay:  NAILED IT!

I have a photo of that little kid, age 3, holding a Pepsi bottle, wearing a red and blue striped shirt, looking right at the camera.  My Uncle took that picture (it was originally a slide I had made into a picture back in the 90's).  When I went thru my first therapy related to my FOO and failing first marriage, also in the 90's, I came across that little boy.  He looked back at me and said I just want to be loved.

Would have loved the warning label that should have said red flag on my 2nd wife.  I'm 11 years in, with three little kids, and back in T after so many years of abuse. I have plans now, but my timeline is going to take me at least another year before I can get to a place to keep me and my kids safe legally. 

They deserve a chance at a life without constant chaos, blame, and shape shifting.

Again thanks for the germane insight.  James Bond (in the novels) was at the best of his game when he would take a hot shower, and then switch the water to COLD.

I need to go back to doing that to start my days.

[Infared]

I ripped this from another board but it hit home for me.

"Guys like us walk right past all the emotionally available women (boring!) until we find an unstable woman who desperately needs us. We do this because we have difficulty feeling like we are being loved if the woman does not desperately need us. Hence, we want to ride in, like the white knight, to rescue the damsel in distress.

This goal is a disaster, however, when we encounter BPDers, to whom we naturally gravitate. The problem is that they don't really want to be saved. Instead, they want to create a continual supply of drama to support their false self-image that they are "victims." This is why, every time you pulled your exGF from the raging seas, you saw her jumping right back into the water within two weeks."

Split Black... . I think that I resemble that remark!  Awareness is a new beginning of sorts.

LOL!