Do Bpd still love you after Splitting?

[goingtostopthis]

I was wondering.   Its been about two months since my boyfriend split on me.  He very nice to me basically,  I mean he has his nice days, and his rude inconsiderate days,  his mean days, his Im ignoring you days and his I love you days.   That just about it says it. Even though he tells me we are friends and he  wants to be friends ,he keeps on feeling this need to remind me all the time that his feelings for me aren't the same anymore.  I dont know what triggers it. It hurts my feelings every time because even though I tell him right back my feelings arent the same either,  it seems hes keeps saying this because he wants to remind me that I am flawed. This is what it feels like. We have all ready agreed to be friends. I am not pressing him to be other wise, so what's up with this?

[lost tree]

I doubt it. My ex gf and her parents have completely written me off. I'm fairly certain they hate my guts for jumping ship. :'(

[goingtostopthis]

Lost Tree,   Maybe they dont care one way or another.  Maybe they feel bad for losing you.  You never know. Whether its conscious or sub conscious BPD after a split I think want you to feel bad about your self because they do.  For mime at least , he really has a problem communicating things . Its like playing a decoding game half the time. You shouldnt care what her parents think,  They are most likely enambers to her behavior and vise versa. Then again like I said they could be totally oblivious to your absent and busy with their own lives.  or they could miss you and  feel helpless to to anything about it. Going to a Casino anyone?  I think my BPD still loves me its just buried  under a bunch of sh**t , like a fallen ten story buiding.  Im moving on with my life and going to try very hard to keep my contact with him at a minimum.  I think they play games after their splits and are in capable of being honest about anything.  They just want to keep up a false front all designed to keep themselves feeling safe behind  their defenses.

[corraline]

I wouldn't take the family thing too personally.  There are loyalties at play with families and friends and yes the enabling thing too. You have to stand in your truth of the situation regardless of how others are playing out the drama.  Its all you can do.

[kfifd196]

My wife filed for divorce 2 months ago and the family treats me as if I am a criminal... . They actually accused me of "provoking" HER or trying to "bait" her!  She bit me after saying she was going to 'step in front of a bus' and I tried to calm her down.  She did $1,000 damage to the house, threw hot tea on me, etc.  2 years ago, after a rage incident, she disappeared and I called her parents, who were away.  THE 1st Words out of their mouths was "She did it again?"  She should be on medication and You (meaning me) need to set boundaries, as she can be very verbally abusive".  Obviously, they know about her issues, but I don't think she's ever been diagnosed BPD, but she has ALL of the symptoms.  They are classic enablers, but what gets me is, I am a good person, never been in trouble in my life, etc.  An upstanding citizen and support my wife.  But she filed a false restraining order against me and they helped her.  Some people say it's for my own good, that the parents are trying to protect her and me, knowing what she's capable of, I just think they're enabling her and protecting her and don't even realize they're messing up my life and our 10month old daughters... .

[goldylamont]

I was wondering.   Its been about two months since my boyfriend split on me.  He very nice to me basically,  I mean he has his nice days, and his rude inconsiderate days,  his mean days, his Im ignoring you days and his I love you days.   That just about it says it. Even though he tells me we are friends and he  wants to be friends ,he keeps on feeling this need to remind me all the time that his feelings for me aren't the same anymore.  I dont know what triggers it. It hurts my feelings every time because even though I tell him right back my feelings arent the same either,  it seems hes keeps saying this because he wants to remind me that I am flawed. This is what it feels like. We have all ready agreed to be friends. I am not pressing him to be other wise, so what's up with this?

oh man the devaluation. yes, your ex is trying to tell you that you are flawed--it feels like it because that's exactly what it was meant for you to feel. while being passive-aggressive i feel is cowardly, i feel it is a learned shaming tool simply b/c it's so damn effective and nearly impossible to prove. here, you feel shamed, which is exactly how he wants you to feel, but you can't prove it, so then you have self doubt... . and the cycle continues. at some point you just have to trust your own feelings more than anything coming from this person. i have countless memories of the ex devaluing in ways that i could never prove, that if i ever brought up would cause her to scoff, call me crazy/insecure/argumentative << funny thing is you soon start to realize that these adjectives describe them to a T

[goingtostopthis]

Well, I confronted him on it big time because I was getting really tired of it.  On one hand hes bringing up past posts Ive made to this other guy who isnt even a friend really,someone I like,   over a joke I made to him. He post the comment on our chat for me to see,  as if I had done something wrong.  All along he keeps telling me we are just friends and he just doesnt feel the same way he used to about me. Then he gets upset about this other guy who is talking to me a lot now on my page.  But yet,  hes supposed to not have any feelings for me anymore in the way he used to and we are just friends?  Give me a break!

                             I saw it exactly the way you did. I had a talk with him about it and I wasnt happy.  I told him he needed to stop focusing on the past in terms of me and see me in the now, and to see me with all  the possitive things he likes about me now,   not then.  Plus I made it clear that I had told him so many times that I was just his friend too and couldnt understand why he was all ways so obsessed with saying that to me.  That shut him up mighty quick.  He cant use this against be anymore.  I told him I knew our relationship had no future a long time ago, that I knew he would never get a  job and never come  to see me here in the US. I was just out with it because I had ,  had... . it!    I was hanging on for a rage.  It didnt happen. He took it well.  I aslo told him he was jack ase for giving me a hard time about these other males considering how many times he had to take it upon himself to make it clear to me what my place was in his life now.  Which is basically no where. Im flawed, remember.    geeeeezs.     Why should he care who I talk to now, its none of his business.

                         And then he got all insecure and wanted to know if we could still be friends. I told him it was up to him. Then he says, well,     you never know things "could" change in the future.  Do you believe this?

I was so mad,  there was this big pause on chat for a while.  But, ya... . it finally occured to me, hes been using this line on me to shame me, exactly.  manipulation and control.     its been horrible. Ive cried so many times over this.  This  isnt my shame. This isnt my flaw.  It's his.         

                               

[goldylamont]

i think you have a right to feel the way you do. however, being this is the undecided board it sounds like perhaps you are on the fence i regards to working things out with him? if you still have this desire and you continue to communicate this way then you will go through the same pain again and again. do you really consider him your friend? is he friendly to you? do you trust him? trust him with your emotions?

i'm trying to understand the reasons for continuing your r/s with him... . right now he is pushing you away by devaluing your r/s, over-stressing 'friendship' to punish. in return sounds like you're giving him a taste of his own medicine, throwing him off balance. he wasn't expecting such a strong rebuttal, or perhaps he's underestimated how it would make him actually feel. either way though, you should see this power dynamic between the two of you. you have fire. you just stood up for yourself, and while i think this is a good sign that you can use your anger properly to set boundaries, i'm not sure it's the best way to use this energy.

if you truly considered him just a friend, then this shaming/power plays wouldn't have such an effect on you. i notice in your first post you still refer to him as your boyfriend. do you think there's a part of you that does truly still want him to be your boyfriend, and that this is the part of you that is hurt so much by his behavior? you can't control his behavior--in fact, i highly doubt he can control his behavior. so that leaves us with you still having feelings for him (which leaves you open to be hurt by him)--can you do things about these feelings you have so that his words don't hurt (over time)?


p.s. you can never win at the power games btw. it's good to hold your own though and keep some dignity (as long as you don't go overboard). but, even if you get the power back for a bit, it won't be a good outcome. in general the person that 'wins' a r/s power struggle is the one that doesn't play fair... . just a game you don't want to be in.

[maxsterling]

I think you need to back the question up one step, and think about whether he ever did truly "love" you, not just after the split but during the r/s.  From my experience, pwBPD have something they call "love", but it's not the same feeling mature adults have.  Their "love" has a stronger "need" component.  And there are conditions.  And there is a time scale.  pwBPD have a difficult time loving themselves.

My BPDgf has given me two cards since the r/s started - birthday and Christmas.  In both of them she wrote she was grateful to me for showing her what love means.  She's 38, and admitting to not knowing what love means.  Love means trust.  Love means respect for the other person.  Love means allowing the other person as much freedom for their life as you want for yours.  Love is about mutual support, not mutual dependence.  If you truly love someone, you will allow that person to go, should that be what he or she desires.  Sure, you will hurt and feel sad for the loss, but because you respect and support and trust their love, you won't feel angry or bitter.  Those aren't things that come easy for pwBPD. A pwBPD needs someone or something to fill the void where the self-love doesn't exist.  And when they get that someone, they start irrationally feeling that that person will leave them, so they push away so that they won't be hurt by abandonment.  They don't trust that you love them and will stay, because they don't know what love means.  And they aren't comfortable enough with themselves to know they will be okay if someone leaves them.  A pwBPD's love lacks the trust and respect that healthy adults show. 

[patientandclear]

goingtostopthis:

My ex did exactly what you're describing. After he left me & then got cold feet after saying he wanted to get back together, he started seeing his ex gf again.  I couldn't watch & started NC, for nearly a year.  Got back in touch when I could be just friends. Or so I thought.

He plunged into a very intense new emotional r/ship with me.  It was impossible to imagine it wouldn't lead back to an intimate love r/s -- after all we'd had a great physical r/ship too, what could go wrong?    Anyway, after a month or so, he suddenly went silent, then surfaced with an email saying he only wanted to be friends, not friends-maybe-leading-to-something-else.

Like you I was shocked & really hurt. I'd done nothing except respond to him--never suggested for a moment that I wanted something more than friendship. It's like he was breaking up with me again, except we weren't dating.

Like you, I reinforced that I didn't want anything beyond friendship either, & I suggested we step back since he seemed to be confused. Well, he didn't want to step back.  Because he'd reiterated the friends-only barrier, it seemed safe for him to go to emotionally intimate places with me that went beyond what we'd experienced before. We were dating in all but name, and except we weren't having sex.

I think the friends-only thing & him reiterating it is a way of keeping you in his life without scaring himself unbearably.  My ex would have loved to keep me as the almost second wife for a long time, I think. I stopped participating when he moved & was cold & dismissive about my sadness about that -- after all, I was not supposed to have any expectations  -- and then started seeing other women at the same time he was ramping up the emotional intensity with me.

I think your ex was revealing in his comment that he wants to be friends and then "who knows." it's perfect for him, he keeps all options open with no obligation.  My ex stashed away his ex gfs like that, in the end including me. I learned something from the comment of your ex about "who knows in the future." I hope you'll learn from my very similar experience that being kept on the back burner sucks.

[goingtostopthis]

I think you need to back the question up one step, and think about whether he ever did truly "love" you, not just after the split but during the r/s.  From my experience, pwBPD have something they call "love", but it's not the same feeling mature adults have.  Their "love" has a stronger "need" component.  And there are conditions.  And there is a time scale.  pwBPD have a difficult time loving themselves.

My BPDgf has given me two cards since the r/s started - birthday and Christmas.  In both of them she wrote she was grateful to me for showing her what love means.  She's 38, and admitting to not knowing what love means.  Love means trust.  Love means respect for the other person.  Love means allowing the other person as much freedom for their life as you want for yours.  Love is about mutual support, not mutual dependence.  If you truly love someone, you will allow that person to go, should that be what he or she desires.  Sure, you will hurt and feel sad for the loss, but because you respect and support and trust their love, you won't feel angry or bitter.  Those aren't things that come easy for pwBPD. A pwBPD needs someone or something to fill the void where the self-love doesn't exist.  And when they get that someone, they start irrationally feeling that that person will leave them, so they push away so that they won't be hurt by abandonment.  They don't trust that you love them and will stay, because they don't know what love means.  And they aren't comfortable enough with themselves to know they will be okay if someone leaves them.  A pwBPD's love lacks the trust and respect that healthy adults show. 

YES!

[maxsterling]

goingtostopthis - I should add, that this seems to be the pattern, and nothing you can do or say will change or reassure them.  You just have to accept that is the way it is.  They are going to have intense feelings that they will be abandoned.  They have ZERO evidence, but because abandonment is what "always happens", they start looking for evidence, inventing evidence.  They start looking for the one you will cheat on them with.  Or you being quiet during a car ride home is evidence you are about to bail.  Or not liking a TV show or movie they like.  Or it can get really convoluted like doing the dishes without asking for their help means you resent him/her and are trying to avoid.  I've gotten to the point where I start announcing whether I have to go to the bathroom or go outside because if I don't she will ask "where are you going" or "where did you go".  And because they are certain they will be "dumped", they manipulate you to try and keep it from happening, or try to find fault with you because they would rather have a reason to hate you in the event of the abandonment, or they decide to bail on you first rather than wait for you to "dump" them, because their intense emotions tell them that is bound to happen.  Same goes for jobs - I think my GF has taken the "I better quit before I get fired" route a few times. 

It's important to remember these are their natural emotions, and there is nothing you can do to stop them, reassure them, or change them.  You can lessen the blow on yourself by understanding what is going on and prepare.  And you can try to comfort them through some of this - but ultimately you living an independent life will cause him discomfort until he learns to manage his own emotions and soothe himself.  As I recall, this is mostly a long distance r/s with him, no?  That alone will cause him great discomfort.  Not that he would handle things better if you lived together - because the discomfort would still be there for him, and rather than being another online male friend that he would question you over, it may be your coworker, your neighbor, your brother in law... . And it's all based on that his "love" for you is based on a need to satisfy him in a way that neither you or anyone else can ever satisfy.  That's the same way it was when you were together - and that is the same way it is now that you are broken up. 

[goingtostopthis]

Yes,  Max.

    Its been the contradition thats been on my mind.  If he truely felt like we were "just" friends and didnt have that so called feeling for me anymore,  then what's this about bringing up some stupid comment I made to this other person/guy who has such a big agenda for himself , my comment most likely wasnt even seen by him. It had to do with being stuck in a closet with him during an earth quake. You had to see the context. This guy does weather, earth quake stuff big time. I got a good laugh over it and Im sure others did too, and thats why I made the comment. To be funny. It didnt mean anything.   But no,   Mr. BPD had to share the thing to our chat page to point it out to me.   I couldnt believe it! 

                  What this has said to me, is that he must be lying about everything he says to me. Meaning he does still love me but it's turned into a bad love. It seems he wants to hurt me and does it on purpose. He hates me because he still loves me.  Let's just simplify this.  He's messed up. I kind of think he thinks if he with holds from me I will all ways want him, or be frustrated looking for relief that I can only get from him. I guess in his twisted head he feels if he is honest in his love for me, I will screw him over for sure.  Hes has often made this statement to me in his defense, once bitten twise shy.   I dont even know what that means!  Which is such an incredible unfair thing to say to me.  Its sickning.     

          I dont know if he lying to me all the time or not.  Its more like he's intentionally putting on this act and its getting old.   Im getting more and more tired of this and Im glad.  I "know"  Ive had a co dependant problem with him,  Im sorry,  but he helped this along by gaining my trust.  He changed basically over night! How do you get over that?  not over night... . thats for sure.  I do know that Im getting stronger every day and becoming wiser by the day too.  Im feeling less and less inclined to even bother with him.

[Split black]

Oh yeah... Im sure my ex is thinking about me especially mid thrust with her ex bf or the guy she cheated on me with that wasn't her ex bf. Cast out because I discovered her lies... . just like that... .   Who was it that said she thinks about me and loves me about as much as shes thinking about and loving her toaster.