It still sucks that i'm not over my addiction to her.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I broke up with my exgf because she was very jealous of me and distrusted me.  She would facebook friend any woman on my friend list that was single and she deemed as a threat.  After we got in a fight about this I ended things because i couldn't hadn't the projections of her mistrust.   Afterward, she sent me an email from another woman who i had met at a conference.  This other woman was merely discussing business with me and I had told her about her anyway before we broke up.   However, she sent me a fake email pretending to be her to see if i would take the bait on being hit on by that woman.   I didn't and figured out it was my egf right away.  When i confronted her she denied it.  

So i went no contact for several months.   She apologized and said she just wanted to be friends. Several months went by and i finally agreed to see her.  Since she didn't drive, i dropped her off at her place after our neutral meeting.   She convinced me to come in and then i allowed myself to be seduced by her.  Yes, part of me liked it of course. I had a difficult time not wanting to be intimate with her because she was so loving and so giving in the bedroom.  However, i realized that we had gone too far and i asked for space again and said we were just doing the ex sex thing but that she could or we could make this friend thing work.

She eventually pretended to be another woman in a forum that i introduced her to and then denied it despite me giving her the proof. I think she just wanted to see if i would take the bait (even though she told me she trusted me 100%!

Since then I've been no contact (since thanksgiving) but she will periodically email me and ask me to forgive her.  It is torturous because part of me wants to break the silence because I hate to feel like I am blocking communication (since i value communication). However, i tell myself that it's about boundaries.  Plus if i did allow her back in my life I would be reduced to a sex slave again I fear.

 I haven't been able to get interested in other women.   More than the sex, i miss the way she touched me.  I know that sounds weird but it truly felt so intimate and so connected when she would do that.  Again she was very giving in the bedroom.  I'm sad that her personality was so chaotic outside of the bedroom.  I know i can't trust her but i'm tempted to respond to her.  

Another thing that threw me at times is that she did apologize alot for her behavior.  But once i broke up with her she went into denial about her stalking behavior and minimized it.  It's really that minimizing and denial that caused me to put her on NC.  That's why i'm not sure if she was borderline or a sociopath?

What's the difference?  It probably doesn't matter except that my mind plays tricks on me and says things like: people forgive partners who have affairs and then take them back.  She didn't have an affair, she has trust and insecurity issues for which she can't control.  I am scared that if she would use her grief as an excuse to pretend to be someone else (stalk) what else would her upsettedness cause her to do?

It still sucks that i'm not over my addiction to her.  I guess it's like alcohol or drugs; the addiction never goes away and that is why we have to go NC. I hope to get into a healthy relationship in the future but right now my mind still thinks about her and misses the parts that i described which were good.

I just needed to get this off my chest.  I know it is about me and not having fulfilled needs from my family of origin, getting emotionally abused by my ex uBPD wife etc.  So i got addicted to someone being obsessed with me.  Just thankful you guys are willing to listen and can understand.  Please share anything you feel relates to my story.   Btw,  I think i would have been more willing to give her a chance and get help (go to therapy with her) if i hadn't had some problems with my ex-wife that was emotionally overwhelming.  

[truthbeknown]

I broke up with my exgf because she was very jealous of me and distrusted me.  She would facebook friend any woman on my friend list that was single and she deemed as a threat.  After we got in a fight about this I ended things because i couldn't hadn't the projections of her mistrust.   Afterward, she sent me an email from another woman who i had met at a conference.  This other woman was merely discussing business with me and I had told her about her anyway before we broke up.   However, she sent me a fake email pretending to be her to see if i would take the bait on being hit on by that woman.   I didn't and figured out it was my egf right away.  When i confronted her she denied it.  

So i went no contact for several months.   She apologized and said she just wanted to be friends. Several months went by and i finally agreed to see her.  Since she didn't drive, i dropped her off at her place after our neutral meeting.   She convinced me to come in and then i allowed myself to be seduced by her.  Yes, part of me liked it of course. I had a difficult time not wanting to be intimate with her because she was so loving and so giving in the bedroom.  However, i realized that we had gone too far and i asked for space again and said we were just doing the ex sex thing but that she could or we could make this friend thing work.

She eventually pretended to be another woman in a forum that i introduced her to and then denied it despite me giving her the proof. I think she just wanted to see if i would take the bait (even though she told me she trusted me 100%!

Since then I've been no contact (since thanksgiving) but she will periodically email me and ask me to forgive her.  It is torturous because part of me wants to break the silence because I hate to feel like I am blocking communication (since i value communication). However, i tell myself that it's about boundaries.  Plus if i did allow her back in my life I would be reduced to a sex slave again I fear.

 I haven't been able to get interested in other women.   More than the sex, i miss the way she touched me.  I know that sounds weird but it truly felt so intimate and so connected when she would do that.  Again she was very giving in the bedroom.  I'm sad that her personality was so chaotic outside of the bedroom.  I know i can't trust her but i'm tempted to respond to her.  

Another thing that threw me at times is that she did apologize alot for her behavior.  But once i broke up with her she went into denial about her stalking behavior and minimized it.  It's really that minimizing and denial that caused me to put her on NC.  That's why i'm not sure if she was borderline or a sociopath?

What's the difference?  It probably doesn't matter except that my mind plays tricks on me and says things like: people forgive partners who have affairs and then take them back.  She didn't have an affair, she has trust and insecurity issues for which she can't control.  I am scared that if she would use her grief as an excuse to pretend to be someone else (stalk) what else would her upsettedness cause her to do?

It still sucks that i'm not over my addiction to her.  I guess it's like alcohol or drugs; the addiction never goes away and that is why we have to go NC. I hope to get into a healthy relationship in the future but right now my mind still thinks about her and misses the parts that i described which were good.

I just needed to get this off my chest.  I know it is about me and not having fulfilled needs from my family of origin, getting emotionally abused by my ex uBPD wife etc.  So i got addicted to someone being obsessed with me.  Just thankful you guys are willing to listen and can understand.  Please share anything you feel relates to my story.   Btw,  I think i would have been more willing to give her a chance and get help (go to therapy with her) if i hadn't had some problems with my ex-wife that was emotionally overwhelming.  

[Want2know]

She convinced me to come in and then i allowed myself to be seduced by her.  Yes, part of me liked it of course. I had a difficult time not wanting to be intimate with her because she was so loving and so giving in the bedroom.  However, i realized that we had gone too far and i asked for space again and said we were just doing the ex sex thing but that she could or we could make this friend thing work.

Putting any diagnosis of her aside for the moment, it sounds to me that you used her for sex, and that your continued value of her is primarily driven by sex.  If I were her, that would be very upsetting and confusing - add in the possibility of some kind of personality disorder, and you may experience some of the behaviors that you are right now.

Her mistrust of you, most likely, has nothing to do with you.  I don't you or how you behaved with her around other women, so it's hard to say.  Her actions of emailing you as other women, yes, I can imagine it may seem a little disturbing to you, and may ring a warning bell, however, your continued involvement with her may be sending her mixed messages.  Until you are clear that this is over, and start detaching from her in a consistent manner, she may continue to do this.

[truthbeknown]

Putting any diagnosis of her aside for the moment, it sounds to me that you used her for sex, and that your continued value of her is primarily driven by sex.  If I were her, that would be very upsetting and confusing - add in the possibility of some kind of personality disorder, and you may experience some of the behaviors that you are right now.

Perhaps you are making this assumption because i didn't tell you other parts of the story. Due to the length of the whole picture, i left those out.  I was reading a different post where people were talking about the sex part of being with a BPD person.  And putting any diagnosis aside, I felt very strongly about this woman until inconsistent behaviors combined with other red flags kept appearing.  I was adddressing the sex part and perhaps this wasn't the thread to do it in?  In the previous thread that I was reading MANY posters were talking about how the sex with their former borderline partner was amazing and that alot of them struggled with getting addicted to that or missing that component.   Nowhere in that thread did any responders alude to the possibility that these posters were using their borderline partners for sex.  It seemed to be part and parcel of the emeshment.   I posted here because I thought i would get some feedback over the difficulty detaching from a partner who may have BPD.   I would agree if you had told me that i had poor boundaries because it was not my intent to have sex with her after we broke up.  Now, I do have some fantasies that she could change from time to time.  Much like others who post here and hope that their partners will change; i think that is the codependant part of me.  I like to hope for the best in others. It's what has kept me in a relationship that may not be healthy for me in the past.   So my feelings that i was sharing last night were focused on the sex part probably because i just had left that other thread and it was on my mind.  To be more clear, I have a fantasy that it would be great to have the wonderful sex and have her act and behave like she did when we first met (before the sex entered into the picture).   Yes, i was controlled by sex and I became addicted to that. However, i wanted so much more.  I wanted the woman i had orignially met or that side of her to be there consistantly versus the Push/pull dynamics and other parts that appeared after we became intimate.  

[Want2know]

So my feelings that i was sharing last night were focused on the sex part probably because i just had left that other thread and it was on my mind.  To be more clear, I have a fantasy that it would be great to have the wonderful sex and have her act and behave like she did when we first met (before the sex entered into the picture).   Yes, i was controlled by sex and I became addicted to that. However, i wanted so much more.  I wanted the woman i had orignially met or that side of her to be there consistantly versus the Push/pull dynamics and other parts that appeared after we became intimate.  

I hear you. 

How long have you two been broken up officially, and when did this last sexual encounter occur?  I asked you if you are clear this is over and mentioned sending mixed messages - you will have problems detaching if you still want her back, and as you mention, she wants you, too.

[truthbeknown]

In November of last year.   It was Thanksgiving and she sent me a message trying to reconnect and asking me to "open up".  I was upset because she had just posed as someone else on another forum and was trying to see if i would take the bait if she pretended to be another woman.  ( When we broken up but going through the "friend" stage (Feb-Nov))

I had made it clear that the reason i couldn't be in relationship with her is because she had serious trust and abandonment issues that were affecting our relationship and unless she was willing to get help for those things I didn't think it was a good idea for us to be intimate and I didn't know if we would be able to be friends because we had such a strong attraction to each other.  She assured me that we could just be friends and that she would work on herself and get some help.  We exchanged emails mostly during this period except for one encounter in October.   She was telling me how sorry she was about how she behaved and wanted to get together to talk about the progress she made.   I was still struggling with the breakup too and I agreed.  I am a hopeful romantic and an optimist at heart.   I said, as long as we are going out as friends and this is NOT a date then i would agree to meet her.   We met at a restaurant and at the end of dinner it got a little weird with the payment of the bill.  I said i thought we should go "dutch" since we are doing the friend thing anyway.  I asked her if that was okay? she said, "yes".   She told me she still had a few of my items and asked if I would drop her off at her apartment so she could give them to me?.  I agreed.  

On the way there, she grilled me about why i didn't pay for dinner.  :)idn't I care about her anymore etc.?  Why didn't i call her more often?  this was completely different from how she was behaving at dinner.   I did go up to her apartment to get whatever she said she had of mine.  It was a sweatshirt.  She went into the bedroom to get it and came out without her clothes on and only my sweatshirt on over her.   She took it off and said, "here is your sweatshirt".  My brain temporarily went into that mode with her and I played along with her. There was also the double-bind; i didn't want to reject her and she knew I couldn't resist her.

 I knew afterward that i had made a mistake but i was conflicted.  Part of me loved her and wished that I could have this fun playful part of her and not have to deal with all the emotional rollcoasters.  After we had sex the next day i called her to talk about what happened.  I told her that it was very lovely but i think we need to take sex out of the picture if we are going to work on our friendship and other areas so that we don't confuse things.   She agreed and said that she just couldn't help herself.   I thought we were cool.  The next day she left me a voicemail grilling me with questions about why i didn't do this or that and why did i leave her and why didn't i care about her etc.   I realized this wasn't working. I also felt like i got "charmed" and that nothing changed.  She didn't really seem any different or get help like she said she was going to .   I was not willing to get back on the hampster wheel.   About 3 weeks later she pretended to be this other woman.   I told her in february, when she did that fake email to me that if it ever happened again i would be done completely-not even friends!  

She assured me she was getting help and had changed.  Obviously, she hadn't changed.  So I went to No Contact.   I only broke contact at Thanksgiving because she wanted to know if i would forgive her.  I told her that I could forgive her but i didn't think i could be friends with someone who impersonated someone else.  She fired back that she did nothing of the kind!  I wondered what she was apologizing for then?  I even told her that it was her last chance. That if she didn't fess up that I would not be responding to any messages anymore.  I asked if that is really what she wants?  She denied it again.  I sent the proof and I have not answered any messages since.

I think I'm still recovering.  People don't understand why I still talk about her or wonder if i should reply to her.  I don't believe that she can change but I also realize that i'm still a recovering codependent; hoping that she could change and that things could be different.  I know it goes back to my childhood and things that I endured but the one thing that really "hooks" me is that she wants me!  I think there's a part of me that wants to be wanted but in a healthy way. Unfortunately, i don't have that in my life right now. 

I have faced so much rejection between having my ex-wife alienate my older kids from me, my family not  being there for me etc.,  that i was/am addicted to the the thought of somebody wanting me as much as she did/does.   I still have not responded to her but this latest one came at a time when i was feeling really down and I was tempted.   actually, even though the sex was good, perhaps i'm addicted to someone wanting me because of all the rejection I've faced over the past 5 years.  The sex was just the mechanism to get that desire filled and the part that i crave is the emotional part more than the physical part.  thanks for listening.  I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone about this in quite awhile and i don't have money for therapy.  Most days i'm fine and dealing with it okay.  With the recent contact i was freaked out because I thought of her (song trigger) and then that next day  I got phone messages from her (she used a different number that was not blocked).

[Want2know]

The sex was just the mechanism to get that desire filled and the part that i crave is the emotional part more than the physical part.

Good realization.  It's all a part of detaching, if you take a look at the stages to the right------>

Now that you are aware of this, what is the next step for you?  What happens if she approaches you again?

[KJB1956]

This sounds so familiar, I was so wounded so hurt, I would take any scraps of attention, any sign that something could possibly improve, but you were getting much more than scraps so I can see how hard that would be to say no to.  My partner was so loving and attentive to my needs in the bedroom, he was totally devoted.  I often think that's what kept us together so long, it was evidence of his love I thought.  Incredibly codependent there - accepting sex as a substitute for love.  I haven't slept with him since I left, but that is because he has pushed me away, punishing me, but I have tried to be friendly, I feel guilty as he is, on the surface at least, so hurt by my "betrayal". 

my friends keep encouraging me not to even pick up the phone, but it's so hard, I miss the wonderful side of him.  My counsellor said something about how we will hang in there, when there is even the most remote chance of love when we have not had it on a regular basis, the intermittent nature of it keeps us hoping.  I go to Al Anon and CoDA and I am working the 12 steps to deal with my addiction to him... . it really helps, especially CoDA which doesn't require that you have an addict in your life.  Then again, we are the addicts... .      Good luck... .

[truthbeknown]

Recently,  I had worked with a coach that helps people deal with this sort of thing and we talked about how my ex-wife is emeshing the children (especially my 9 year old).  What happens, she said, is that the child doesn't know where they begin and end because of the emeshment.   I thought about this and my own childhood.  I was so Parentified that I suspect that i am conditioned or used to the emeshment.   I'm on a quest to not be looking for a relationship with anyone right now.  I saw a video recently about the "why" behind great leaders.  I tried to transfer that thinking to relationships.  Why do i want to be in a relationship right now?  I still don't have a solid answer other than I like having a life partner, someone close to me to share and witness my life.   However, maybe that's not a strong enough "why".  I know that i need to get things back in order in my career so I will focus on that right now.  In summary, perhaps i was addicted to or conditioned to being "emeshed" with someone.   Its a new path for me to walk by myself right now.  I am committed to enjoying the journey