Narcissist BPD or both?

[Depression = 72% of members]

She came here... . uninvited at 10PM. I had been avoiding her angry texts and not answering her calls all evening. She walked in all smug and we started arguing. I confronted her about purposefully flirting with anyone who walked by at the party the night before and she smiled. Laughing even. Said she wasn't acting up... . Everybody loves her. People tell her she's great all the time. Is that normal for BPD? Sometimes I wonder if she has more going on than I thought.

I just had to go and do it... . I gave her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me. I held it in and played it cool as long as I could because I know she thrives on making me jealous. The more I ignore the worse she behaves. But tonight she got to me, got the satisfaction she was looking for all day. Then she threw herself at me... . Saying you must miss me I know you miss me while trying to touch me sexually for validation. I could barely pry her off of me and part of me didn't want to. I was practically in tears because I longed for her touch and I wanted her to stay but I knew I had to turn her away. She never cried, never said she missed me or loved me. Just came here thinking she could win her way back by having sex with me. It's the first time I've ever had the strength turn her down... . For that I am grateful, yet still broke down in tears when she left.

[Sanity searcher]

She came here... . uninvited at 10PM. I had been avoiding her angry texts and not answering her calls all evening. She walked in all smug and we started arguing. I confronted her about purposefully flirting with anyone who walked by at the party the night before and she smiled. Laughing even. Said she wasn't acting up... . Everybody loves her. People tell her she's great all the time. Is that normal for BPD? Sometimes I wonder if she has more going on than I thought.

I just had to go and do it... . I gave her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me. I held it in and played it cool as long as I could because I know she thrives on making me jealous. The more I ignore the worse she behaves. But tonight she got to me, got the satisfaction she was looking for all day. Then she threw herself at me... . Saying you must miss me I know you miss me while trying to touch me sexually for validation. I could barely pry her off of me and part of me didn't want to. I was practically in tears because I longed for her touch and I wanted her to stay but I knew I had to turn her away. She never cried, never said she missed me or loved me. Just came here thinking she could win her way back by having sex with me. It's the first time I've ever had the strength turn her down... . For that I am grateful, yet still broke down in tears when she left.

[Changingman]

God this is so familiar Sanity Searcher, the arrogant mask of NPD on top of the fragile pushy neediness of BPD. Ugh! An truly ugly and dangerous combination.

you sound like you need some space for yourself. good luck

Keep reading and learning.

[Learning_curve74]

Sanity Searcher, I'm sorry to read that you had to go through that. It was good that you were able to turn away her advances.

It's not fun to have arguments. You can control your part by refusing to engage. Count to ten before you react, heck count to one hundred and maybe she'll leave before you speak? 

Would you be willing to set some boundaries like I will not take uninvited visitors late, I will not let others touch me inappropriately? These are boundaries you can implement for yourself without announcing them as such. You can simply enforce them, e.g. if she comes over late you could just tell her, "I won't take uninvited visitors late." Then make sure to always enforce your most important boundaries because any time you don't, people learn that they can be ignored which is not what you want.

[Sanity searcher]

I do need to set boundaries, she should not be allowed to show up unannounced. Sad part is now I actually regret rejecting her last night. What is wrong with me... . She's got my emotions flip flopping just like hers. I actually tried to reach out to her today. No response, of course... . What was I thinking? One minute I'm hoping she'll just leave me alone and the next I'm distraught about losing her. I've had actual physical anxiety all day. I feel like I am the one with BPD, I've been conditioned to her see saw of emotions and seemed to have jumped right in and joined the ride

[seeking balance]

I actually tried to reach out to her today. No response, of course... . What was I thinking?

You were not thinking - you were reacting to your part of the dance - this is what we do until we stop.

Most of us have done a version of this dance, myself included.  When you are ready to be finished with your part of the insanity - there are tools to help you and the first step is acknowledging your own feelings - the real ones, not the panic... . what are you afraid of Sanity Searcher?

[Madison66]

Sanity searcher,

I'm 120 days out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Yes, it is the double whammy!  My boundaries were like targets to her.  Little to no capacity for empathy unless it benefited her.  Lots of emotional dysregulation and some pretty nasty rage episodes.  :)efinitely ongoing push/pull.  The emotional abuse/blackmail eventually led to physical abuse in the end.  There were even scary encounters where she'd let herself in my house only to go into a rage and storm out emotionally abusing me.  She could sit in front of a T and justify her actions or project them on to me.  And, yes sex was a big part of the r/s.  In my case, it didn't get better but only worse over time especially when she felt I was either enforcing boundaries or potentially leaving.  My T used to ask me: "are you ready to deal with this for the next 25 years?"

In reading your post, you already know in your gut that her behavior and treatment of you isn't right.  Your feelings and grief are real.  Let them out out and start to heal.  Healthy r/s don't look this way in any way, shape or form.  Man, get out and stay out.  N/c, n/c and more n/c.  Focus on you and focus on a life ahead where you can have healthy r/s and be treated with love and respect.  I've found this in my life and you can too!  First, just close the door for good... .  

[Sanity searcher]

Seeking Balance... . What am I afraid of? Being alone. Finding out that she's has moved on and that her life is happy and better without me in it? I am literally an empty core of what I used to be. My confidence, my self esteem... . my independence. I'm like a scared clingy child right now.

Madison66 i do hope someday I will find a healthy relationship but right now the thought of opening myself up to someone ever again is just terrifying. 120 out of a three year r/s and doing well is inspirational... . Good for you! I just hope I can get there too.

[Madison66]

The only healthy r/s I suggest you focus on now is the one with "you".  The reason I repeated n/c several times in my post is that this is essential for you to start turning the focus on you.  I was there and watched my ex gf have a replacement lined up within a week of the b/u.  In four months, I've heard from friends that she has cycled through 3 r/s and is now madly in love with #4.  Truly sad.  She's also losing her rental house and having to find a place quickly for her and her 3 kids.  Again, I had the same fears you do and see now that it doesn't appear her life has gotten all "peachy" after the b/u.  Just take your time and deal with your emotions and you own issues.

[seeking balance]

Seeking Balance... . What am I afraid of? Being alone. Finding out that she's has moved on and that her life is happy and better without me in it? I am literally an empty core of what I used to be. My confidence, my self esteem... . my independence. I'm like a scared clingy child right now.

Yeah, I remember feeling like that too 

Let that clingy child be sad and comfort him with your adult self.  Logically, you know what to do and you can take care of that clingy child and make him feel safe.  One way, is by giving boundaries to that child.  Boundaries will begin the healing process.

As hard as this is to do, don't assume - you have no idea if she is better off and happy - this is an assumptions.  Assumptions are dangerous to our recovery.

Take a look at this article - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck - I see 3 right here in your post.

Read that article and tell us which ones you are struggling with today.

Peace,

SB

[Sanity searcher]

1. Belief that she holds the key to my happiness.

3. Belief that the relationship problems are caused by me.

5. Belief that things will return to the way they used to be.

Thanks for the article... . Every little bit helps.

[seeking balance]

1. Belief that she holds the key to my happiness.

3. Belief that the relationship problems are caused by me.

5. Belief that things will return to the way they used to be.

Thanks for the article... . Every little bit helps.

That article was a grounding rock for me early on... . the facts, not my false beliefs helped me in letting go.  It didn't take the pain away, but helped center me so I could actually work through the pain.

You will be ok and it won't feel this bad forever... . keep reading the lessons and workshops... . find your facts that can help to center when you start to spin.

Peace,

SB

[arielleis]

I am six months N/C.

We all need to stay strong and really do a lot of work in terms of acceptance and this site as well as fellow bloggers have been a huge help.

I was with this girl for over a year and similarly to all of you I loved loved loved her in an unprecedented way. Like you, I saw the mask fall, like you I witnessed someone do a 180 from one day to another, until I got the What the heck moment and cut the ties, to get a message two weeks later saying how HAPPY she was with some else.

YES we were fooled. BUT we have an advantage over a lot of people. We were able to pin-point what the problem is. We are all built in a different way. We all have different lives, but we were all brought together here by people who ALL act and think the same way.

We were in no case the exception. The proof being, it happened to me, it happened to you all. The fact we know they all operate the same way is somehow relieving (at least to me). They say the same things, act the same way. Once we understand that, we do inner work.

There was absolutely NO WAY I was gonna let a parasite impact my life post breakup. No way. Mourning the loss of a mirage was enough. I refused collateral dammage. I am way to proud, and yes, pride can work for us. Do I miss her? Eff yeah I miss those good moments. They were the best times I had! The best hands down. Well, tough luck, they weren't grounded in reality, because my counterpart was flawed at her core.

I got out, started a new outlet (in my case it was a brazilian martial art). My career has never been so much better. Got promoted to director, travel a lot (that NEVER happened before). Have been meeting interesting people. Yes I think about her, but I don't let her interfere with my goals, passions and where I want to drive my life.

I think it's important that we educate ourselves, but we also must do the cleansing and bring some new into our life as it helps us cope with our brain when it ruminates.

My work of acceptance is not done yet... . but you know what? I have control over my life, my choices, my emotions. Our ex's don't. They will keep repeating the same crap over and over again. I am still learning. My journey post BPD / Narc is not done yet. But so far it has brought me more than I could never expect. And this can happen to any of us.

Stay strong!

[Madison66]

Great update, arielleis!

I'm 4 months out and n/c strong!  It's great to read how well you are doing and I can sense a huge amount of self awareness!  I feel very much the same and life is good!  Thanks for sharing your progress!

[Changingman]

Seeking Balance... . What am I afraid of? Being alone. Finding out that she's has moved on and that her life is happy and better without me in it? I am literally an empty core of what I used to be. My confidence, my self esteem... . my independence. I'm like a scared clingy child right now.

Madison66 i do hope someday I will find a healthy relationship but right now the thought of opening myself up to someone ever again is just terrifying. 120 out of a three year r/s and doing well is inspirational... . Good for you! I just hope I can get there too.

Sanitysearcher,

'Crazymaking Behavours' means what it says... . making YOU crazy. I was in a RS for 4 years and at the end I was convinced I had BPD. I'd never felt soo crazy before, all the symptoms of BPD. Look at your post ( red high lighted ), its some of the symptoms of BPD.

The NO CONTACT rule is there not as punishment for them, rather to get out of the crazy and regain yourself. They are the source. It takes a while to wear off, just to come down from it. The perspective you will achieve will astound you.

Look after yourself, watch any medicating for your feelings of despair and emptyness, drink, drugs, sex, etc. Make a list of stuff to give up, smoking for instance, exercise some, eat healthily etc. This is a time for change, make it positive.

BPD/NPD question

Borderline Personality Disorder rarely stands alone.

Co-morbidity with other disorders:

Major Depressive Disorder                                                –  60 percent

Dysthymia  (chronic, moderate to mild depression)  –  70 percent

Eating Disorders                                                               –  25 percent

Substance Abuse                                                               — 35 percent

Bipolar Disorder                                                                — 15 percent

Antisocial Personality Disorder                                          — 25 percent

Narcissistic Personality Disorder                                        — 25 percent

These all come from the same core wound, I believe I can now see as she slid into these different coping behaviours at different times. Like different parts of her mask fracturing and becoming anything to glue it back in place.



Don't blame yourself for anything, it is what it is. later when you are stronger you can search for your own reasons why this has happened to you.

Good luck fellow traveller, God speed.


Changingman


"Your Gonna Change and I don't mean Please"

The Screaming Blue Messiahs - You're Gonna Change,  Hank Williams cover