And she reached out..

[Allmessedup]

Quick summary,

3.5 year relationship... . nc for just over 3 months.

I blocked all social media but I didn't block email... . no reason to I thought... .

This came in via email tonight... .

So... . I am wondering if you have any interest in attempting to start over and attempt to rebuild a friendship from the beginning again? 

Now I am like what the heck?

Sigh.  My world just went topsy turvy

[willy45]

Read my extraordinarily long post.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222175.0

My ex said the exact same thing to me. Forget the past. Pretend it didn't happen. Start over again from the beginning.

I have been thinking about this today. I've had about 5 days of No Contact since her last communication. And here is where I'm landing. She doesn't care about me. She only cares about herself. She doesn't care how much I hurt or how much I am hurt by contact with her or by her. She doesn't. She just wants her best friend back. Why? WHO THE H$LL KNOWS? I can't figure it out. And frankly, I don't want to. The FOG lifted a bit today. And I could see that life doesn't have to be like this. What would I benefit from being her friend? What would I benefit from just forgetting and move forward. NOTHING. JUST PAIN.

So, I asked myself... . what are the preconditions under which I would be friends with her. Well, that precondition would be her getting some therapy and understanding what role her behavior played in my leaving her in the first place. Otherwise, what am I setting myself up for? Misery. Torment. Anger. Abuse. I know for a fact that she will never get therapy. Ever.

So, while someone with BPD can just hit 'reset' and pretend like all is well, a healthy individual can't. A healthy person needs to understand, needs to make sense of things. Only then can one move forward or move on.

I guess you need to decide what it is that you are setting yourself up for. I know for me, it is more abuse. She was a raging yeller that I loved with all my heart. Still do. With every fibre of my being. But, I also never want to see or hear from her again. Ironic, eh?

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful. Ask yourself really deep down what it is that you want. And learn to listen to that voice and honor it. It is worth listening to.

[myself]

We've all left a door open, a window our X's could get through.

Our hearts don't easily close off to those we love, even with NC.

Is it that our world goes topsy turvy when they contact us, or that the whirlpool we created together draws us in and keeps us in?  Until we swim away, clearing our heads and drying ourselves off. This is personal evolution in action.

None of us can go back to the beginning.

We can begin. We can continue. That's now, not then.

But what do we do? Go backwards?

Forget where we have come from?

My X wants me to feel as bad as she does.

She wants me to pretend as much as she does.

You can't be friends with denial, distance, and heartbreak.

What do you think about the word interest in the email?

How does it relate to you, and where you are in your detachment?

[Cardinals in Flight]

We've all left a door open, a window our X's could get through.

Our hearts don't easily close off to those we love, even with NC.

Is it that our world goes topsy turvy when they contact us, or that the whirlpool we created together draws us in and keeps us in?  Until we swim away, clearing our heads and drying ourselves off. This is personal evolution in action.

None of us can go back to the beginning.

We can begin. We can continue. That's now, not then.

But what do we do? Go backwards?

Forget where we have come from?

My X wants me to feel as bad as she does.

She wants me to pretend as much as she does.

You can't be friends with denial, distance, and heartbreak.

What do you think about the word interest in the email?

How does it relate to you, and where you are in your detachment?

So so true and wise Myself!  Very eloquent

AMU, there are a few threads in your story similar to mine.  In the past I would have loved to get that same email, I know it would lead to much greater pain and sorrow.  Each time there's been a recycle, (initial break up >friendship rifts, usually silent treatment), the time things were improved were shorter lived than the time before, (3?, I think?), and the pain much greater at departure.  Right now is particularly painful as I may be actually, FINALLY, in the grief stage of acceptance that I AM DONE.

A wise person told me my pwBPD Xgf will never be done, it's up to me to be done.  It sucks but it's true.

There is zero reciprocity in a rs w a pwBPD, it's all about them, there's no care for you, only that you remain available to meet THEIR needs.  Sad, but true.

But another thing is also true, none of us here can make you ready to let go, that has to be your decision, in your time, when your heart is ready.

Hugs

CiF

[icecream]

Tsss... . i can imagine it turns around your new mindset again!

Mine asked the same thing more then once, i agreed on friendship as it seemed my only option to get some answers, closure,... .

I got more and more into her drama again this way and eventually it didnt stop me to long for her as a partner. But on a friendship-level that wasnt an option for her anymore, so it did made me very unhappy to be her friend as we turned out to have different values for that as well. What is friendship for you, were are your bounderies as a friend... . ? Should have asked her that first before she started to flirt before my eyes and stuff... i was just a friend right, so if it made me unhappy that was my problem... .

I wouldnt do it again!

In her confused chats over and over she even told me "how can you be friends after being lovers?" Well, no i couldnt... a friend is something else to me!

Tace care!


Be your own best friend and do whats best for you!

No more focus on her but yourself AMU

[Cimbaruns]

 AMU

The question... . gently written with just enough to make you twist and wonder... . but so very manipulative... .

I am so sorry ... .

Everyone here is correct in saying that it is ... . quite frankly... . all about THEM and their needs at the moment. They will try anything... . say anything... . throw that line out... .

Don't take AMU... . You have made such progress !

I have blocked my exBPDw from all forms of contact... . it's the ONLY way to allow you to move forward.

I have had one brief conversation in 3 months(about moving on with the divorce) and she mildly raged at me for not answering emails and after hanging up ... . emailed me this... .


"You're a million miles away!"   I thought What the heck and didn't answer ... . A short time passed and she wrote... . "you are so hurtful by not answering me"... .

I closed the door.    Blocked from all forms... . no way in ... . but in my heart of hearts I know that in some way she ll reach out again at some point but the difference is that it IS about ME now... . and not her needs

Be strong AMU.   

I know how this feels... . it's so very hard

Sending you hugs

[Ritchie53]

Quick summary,

3.5 year relationship... . nc for just over 3 months.

I blocked all social media but I didn't block email... . no reason to I thought... .

This came in via email tonight... .

So... . I am wondering if you have any interest in attempting to start over and attempt to rebuild a friendship from the beginning again? 

Now I am like what the heck?

Sigh.  My world just went topsy turvy

God what an absolute mess these things turn out to be. I often wonder and pray that mine would do a similar thing but then I have battled with my own hurt and sanity for 6.5 months no contact from a 21 month relationship that I would not even know where to begin with it all.

Mine ended up hating me so much that she went back to the abusive, cheating ex that she lamblasted the entire time she was with me. It's strange because it makes me wonder whether she was just in denial about it all and still wanted to get back with him but then I have to snap myself back into reality and see that I was in an abused relationship. Admittedly I was partly to blame as I was unaware of BPD and was trying to combat all manner of things effectively blind. Hindsight a wonderful thing and I wish I had turned away like I was going to halfway through our relationship before she pursued me back. Oh the pain - I liken it to a stage play whereby she knew the script and I had no idea of it.

[seeking balance]

This came in via email tonight... .

So... . I am wondering if you have any interest in attempting to start over and attempt to rebuild a friendship from the beginning again? 

Now I am like what the heck?

Sigh.  My world just went topsy turvy

Your world is not topsy turvy - it only feels that way... . NOT ONE THING has changed... . let's stick with the facts on this.

You already were worried about her mental state last week - and you already know you are not emotionally capable of being her friend right now - so, the million dollar question is this:

Are you done yet or not?

None of us are done until we are... . and if you are not done - time to move yourself to the staying board so you can at least have proper tools and training on how to be a friend.  It is the kindest thing you can do if you are going into relationship again.

Peace,

SB

[pinkparchment]

AMU, again... . the similarities are downright scary. My ex "Reached out" day before yesterday as well after 2.5 months nc. Put a song on her playlist for me. Called Recovery by Frank Turner. I didn't play it but look up the lyrics. She also unblocked me from facebook though we aren't friends, because I started seeing her on friends' pages again. Today my friend's boyfriend came to our office and he said he saw her driving out of the parking lot and I about had a heart attack--but fortunately it wasn't her.

It was easy as hell to ignore her song, but I am thinking about her more these past few days. I know you love your ex but there are a lot of things you want from life that she can't give you. I love my ex, but I want my life more. I've had just enough time out of the FOG that I can "just say no" and walk away. Besides the fact that I could never hurt my family like that again, I remember what she did to me. I remember how cold she was. I remember how she tried to replace me within DAYS. I remember how she silently watched me suffer and beg like a dog for weeks. I remember that she took the advice of ignorant friends instead of trusting me. Remember is enough to help me say "I deserve more." That was the problem throughout our relationship, I deserved more. More benefit of the doubt, more love, more fidelity, more compassion, more patience. You deserve more. More peace, more support, more equity, more gratitude and appreciation, more respect.

I don't know if friendship will ever be on the table for you and your ex. Take an honest inventory of what you want. Addiction, and wanting another "hit," isn't the same as genuinely thinking the relationship dynamic will change.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks everyone for your replies... .

I am sure you guessed I talked to her... . why does that make me feel like I let you all down?

Something that I am needing to talk about to my T.  Amongst other things. (Yes sb I did it!)

I appreciate all of your kind words of encouragement honestly so much.  We talked for my entire shift and into the morning.  I was blunt with her but not accusatory.

I was in many ways detached to the outcome of the conversation but we had an incredibly long and insightful conversation.  And I was able to erect and keep many of my boundaries in place.

I did explain what I felt drew me to the relationship and what kept me there.  We discussed a lot of FOO Stuff as well on both ends.

It was not a your perfect I want our relationship back conversation.  It was more doing a post Mortem over what went wrong with someone else.

Ground rules for contact were established... . and boundaries were drawn.

I do not know where this will lead if anywhere at all.  But I don't regret the convo.  At the very least it gave me some closure about what happened and why.

Wherever this goes it won't be easy.  Even to remain simply friends (and I don't see much more possible at this point) it's going to take a lot of work.  I told her this.  I told her I saw all the BPD behaviors flaring up.  Something I would never have done before.  (She was dx 30 years ago... . under went years of therapy for it... . did well with that). I told her that she was going to have to work on her skills again... . she wasn't happy to realize she lost them but she was able to see it.

I don't know that I can do this and still keep myself safe... . but all I can do is try.

You all made some very good points.  And ultimately this may very well be about what she wants and needs.

But I in many ways I needed to say what I said last night very much.  I needed it for me.

So I did so.

All I can do is move ahead now.  Wherever this goes.  I would love to make a friendship work with her so I will move to the staying board.  I may be back here... . crying to you all again.  I may not.

For now all I can do is work on me and take it one day at a time.  I suppose in learning here both on this board and thru the lessons as well as lurking on the staying board I have learned things that I did wrong in the relationship... . I have learned tools for communicating better.  And I have worked very hard to find out who I am again.

I have a long way to go.  And this may hurt that progress, or it may help it.  But fact is I won't ever know that unless I try. And it boils down to that

Amu

[seeking balance]

AMU - this is your life, not ours and you certainly do not owe us anything at all.  Guilt... . for what?

If there are a few things that I could strongly suggest is this:

- put yourself first (good job on the T btw)

- really, (I mean really) practice and study the staying board.  You need the tools there and if you are knowingly going to be a friend to her, the kindest thing you can do is meet her where she is - this means do your part.  It is not enough to "lurk" there - it requires practice and mindfulness.

- be good to you... . you are worthy of it

Taking Inventory Board is for all - so, hope to see you around there still 

Peace,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Ahhhhhh sb

You always ask the hard questions don't you?

Guilt because I suppose I feel like I let you all down.  All the people who listened and replied to me over and over and over again to help me reduce my FOG and my pain,  and I just quite knowingly walked right back in.  There is that people pleasing shame again

But it is my life and I have to make my own choices.

You know it's funny, I tend to read old posts by people who I feel have very wise words to say.  I have read skips,yours sb, growing wings, 2010.   Pages and pages of insight advice and wisdom.

I found myself reading wave riders posts too. I followed to him thru another post somewhere. I have read the success stories too.

I know it can be done.  Not often, not easily, but it can happen.  I know it takes a great deal of strength and work to do so.  But perhaps I am strong enough now.

You will definately see me on the pi board.

And now that I am going to try a friendship with my ex I will start posting on the staying board.

I know that this may not be the kindest thing to do for her.  I know it may end in disaster.  I know I may end up back where I began 4 months ago.  But I might not and hope is a powerful thing.

I hear you sb.  I will be working the staying board lessons just as hard as I have worked the lessons here. Indeed to do that for both of us.  I have A very limited tolerance right now.  I am trying to watch for the red flags... . and take care of me first and foremost. 

Detachment is still the goal here.  Stepping back and working on my life while I allow her to work on hers.

We will see what happens

[Cimbaruns]

AMU

I agree with SB... .

Practice and being mindful... . that is paramount

Don't lose sight of YOU and what you have processed about YOU

You have done so well and come so far!

Peace to you AMU and don't feel you have let anyone down and please let go of the guilt.

Good luck to you on moving forward ... .

Just don't lose sight of who you are my friend

We ll always be here

[myself]

Agreed, nothing to feel guilt about. We've all been, and are, there. Making our way through times of our lives we have never been before. Keep the focus on yourself, what you need, what your boundaries are. What friendship means to you. I wish I could still talk and be with my ex sometimes, in many ways she was the best friend I ever had. I tried. It takes two for that. Knowing what you know now, if you fall again, it won't be as far. If you make progress, it will be that much better. Best of luck to you.