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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Told me she wanted me in her life - #1  (Read 6680 times)
willy45
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« on: March 20, 2014, 11:20:16 PM »

Hi All,

I posted about a week ago. I have been NC with my uxBPDgf. I broke up with her over a year and half ago. She has been trying to text me, call me and email me over the past 4 months (every couple of weeks) and I haven't responded. For some reason, I picked up last week (she always calls from blocked numbers and I figured it was her... . ). Anyhow, we talked for an hour. And I really, really missed her. She told me that I was her best friend in the whole world (weird because we haven't spoken in a year), asked me if I was dating anyone, and told me she wanted me in her life (we live in different cities).

Since we talked, I am soo conflicted. I don't feel great. I'm worried I'm going to allow myself to get sucked back in. I keep having this fantasy that we can be together and everything will be great. But, I don't know what she even wants. I'm afraid to ask. We have so much in common and would otherwise be a perfect match, except that I'm pretty sure she has BPD. Anyhow, it is scary. I hate this feeling. I was doing so well. Wasn't missing her as much anymore. Stopped thinking about her all the time. Was moving forward in life and doing great things.

Now I am so confused. Ug. I don't want to ask her what she wants because I really don't want to know. I don't want to ask her any probing questions. I just feel like no matter what, I'm going to get my heart broken again. Most people think that's weird because I left her but you all understand... . her behavior kind of left me no choice... . so much yelling and screaming and raging and blaming me every single time for it. I couldn't take it anymore. But it broke my heart and I haven't really truly been happy since. I've done some great things for sure but the recovery has been long. I feel like I'm slipping back into it again and I'm really worried.

Advice?
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santa
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2014, 11:38:35 PM »

However she acted before is how she'll act now. She'll probably be worse. You know she's mentally disturbed, so there's really no reason for you to be considering getting back with her. Your life is going to be a living hell if you do.

I know the fact it took you a long time to get over her and that you haven't had a meaningful relationship since is influencing how you feel about her. She's the cause of it though. She's crazy, made you crazy, and trauma bonded you into thinking your relationship was something special. You were essentially her punching bag for the duration of the relationship though. Has anyone raged at you since?

It would be foolish to enter a relationship with her again. You know she's awful. Don't put yourself in the same horrible situation that you just spent a year and a half getting out of.
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2014, 11:44:46 PM »

Willy... .

You left the first time because you reached a palce where you could tolerate, handle, the chaos and turmoil that was taking place in your life with this person.  You how long it has been since you have been seperated and you still have these emotions and feelings.  Could you imagine entering that relationship a 2nd time around going thru that all over again?  Why would  you want to do that to yourself or her?  No one can tell you what to do, maybe if this somethin gyou really want you need to ask yourself?  Why do I want to go back into something like?  Is that really love?  Is this person actively seeking help or therapy, do they have BPD, or BPD and something else?  You have come do far to move forward, you say, so then why move backwards again?  It sounds like you are very conflicted, but read peoples post about how many times they have been recycled over and over again, and when you take them back, without them having done any real work on themselves, the anti becomes higher and so do the stakes, for you , and them.  Be careful in your, thoughts, and actions.  Take sometime and remember the bad things and negative aspects you walked away, before you remember the good and happy, because you can find those things with a healthier person.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2014, 11:49:07 PM »

Willy,

I am not an expert at anything other than recycling.  I am not sure I have good advice for you, but I have made a list for myself as to why my relationship with xBPDgf did not, and could not, work.   Sadly, after 4 years invested in it, I wanted it to work more than anything.   Before I found this community, I had no language to describe the push/pull drama and devastation of my addictive relationship.  Now, when I need to remind myself why I am on this board, detaching, I pull out this list.  Then, I turn the focus back on myself and the role I played.

1. I cannot rescue her from the disorder.  She has had 5 jobs in 4 years, two marriages, and more splits and triangles than I can count.

2. She has an ingrained approach to the world that creates drama and turmoil through:

--emotional dsyregulation, or an inability to see beyond how she feels in any given moment

--idealizing & devaluing people around her, including me  

--blaming and shaming others for her feeling states

--weak object constancy, or tremendous insecurity in relationships with others

--Triangulation others (victim, rescuer, persecutor)

When I was devalued, and painted black, and smeared, I felt so lost.   When I recycled, I felt moments of relief.  But, the cycle repeated.  And I remained in the FOG.

Now, I am on the detaching board in this community in order to face the facts, and take responsibility for myself.   I was a participant in the drama.   I fed off of it sometimes, and fed into it other times.

I miss her too, at times, because I felt a deeper connection with her than anyone else.  But, I need to ask myself why.  :)id I "need" the idealization?  Why was I enmeshed?  :)id I love when she mirrored me?   Why?

Trust your instincts Willy.  You said, you feel like "I'm going to get my heart broken again... . "  

You do have power here.  You have the ability to stop the "slipping" and assess the situation.   We're here for you.

Thanks for posting.

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woodsposse
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2014, 08:02:06 AM »

 

I can say that I have been right where you are - a few times.  Heck, one of the times I even married her.  Yeah, that didn't end entirely too well.  But then a few months after she left (mutual decision really), she came crashing back through the door saying all the "right things" that she had said before to woo her way back in, but I wasn't fully buying it this time.

Good thing too - because while she was wooing me, she was wooing others... . I was just a replacement.  My own replacement.  Momentary at best.  It was a difficult fight to get and stay detached... . but I got there.  Now I'm here.  On this board around people who understand exactly what I went through.

No one can tell you what to do.  But know this - you already know what would happen if you go back.

But this time it will be worse than it ever was.

The good thing is - you get to choose.  You always get to choose.  You will always get to choose.

Choose wisely.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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letmeout
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« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2014, 08:16:08 AM »

However she acted before is how she'll act now. She'll probably be worse. You know she's mentally disturbed, so there's really no reason for you to be considering getting back with her. Your life is going to be a living hell if you do.

I know the fact it took you a long time to get over her and that you haven't had a meaningful relationship since is influencing how you feel about her. She's the cause of it though. She's crazy, made you crazy, and trauma bonded you into thinking your relationship was something special. You were essentially her punching bag for the duration of the relationship though. Has anyone raged at you since?

It would be foolish to enter a relationship with her again. You know she's awful. Don't put yourself in the same horrible situation that you just spent a year and a half getting out of.

This is the plain and simple truth, Santa you took the words right out of my mouth   

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willy45
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2014, 09:19:36 AM »

Yeah. You guys are right. This totally sucks. I want to ask her what she wants but I don't even trust that she knows what she wants. And I don't even know if I want to know what she wants. All I know is that I need to get out of this headspace.
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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2014, 11:18:17 AM »

I've heard this before. "I want to be friends, I will be your best friend". Don't buy into that. Mine said the same thing. They just want you around as a source for when the current r/s goes south.

I bought into it once. She was not a friend... . she was mean, cruel, etc. The abuse continued even though I was supposedly her "best friend".

My exgf has kept all of her exes... . all of them. She won't let them go. It's either to use them later as a source, or the inability to detach from them, to continue to control them.

Watch your back... .
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seeking balance
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2014, 11:35:57 AM »

Yeah. You guys are right. This totally sucks. I want to ask her what she wants but I don't even trust that she knows what she wants. And I don't even know if I want to know what she wants. All I know is that I need to get out of this headspace.

What she wants will change often and be very convincing in the moment she says it - it is part of the disorder.

If you need headspace, take it.
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« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2014, 11:59:36 AM »

The ex's

I witnessed an interesting thing once

I was on holiday with my ex and he had an email come thru from an ex stating she was getting married

His reaction was over the top

He went into despair claiming he was worried for her life since the guy was supposed to b crazy and very unhealthy for her

I still thought it was weird... he lay on the bed in the hotel room and was very down.

Then after i questioned the odd reaction he gave me the reason why as i mentioned then eventually perked up saying he needed to focus on what he had now in his life and not worry about her.

When i hear the previous posts on this im getting more clarity about that event

I listened to alot of ex stories.  I felt like i was having a relationship with them too

He couldnt let them go
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2014, 12:41:58 PM »

Sheesh- the lines they use are eerily similar.     Mine too said she will 'always be my best friend'  as she rode off to be engaged to the new Mr tomdickharry while I'm left standing wondering what the hell just happened.      With a 'friend' like that who needs enemies?     She's not a friend.    She really never was one.    She was only trying to fill the need in that bottomless pit.       

My question to you is what does she want you in her life for now?      Focus on that
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willy45
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« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2014, 12:53:25 PM »

Yeah. That's a great point. I guess that is what I'm trying to figure out. What she said to me on the call was:

1) You are my best friend in the whole world

2) Are you seeing anyone right now? (to which I said none of your business... . I didn't ask her)

3) I would love to see you

4) I want to hang out with you

5) I have been thinking about you for three months and can't get you out of my mind

6) I will never find anyone who understands me like you do

That was the gist of it. Pretty heavy stuff for not having spoken in a year. The last time I spoke to her I said: Don't call me. I have let you take too much from me and I'm not letting you take any more. That was about 14 months ago. No mention of that on the call.

Ug. This makes me want to cry and curl up into a ball in the corner. I'm not sure why I care what she is trying to say. I  think part of it is not understanding what is going on and it is making my mind and heart hurt. I love her with all my heart. We are perfect for each other in every way. Except for the abuse. And I'm not willing to take the abuse anymore. I have no idea if she has gotten councilling (I doubt it). I have no idea what's going on in her personal life. I have no idea what she is trying to tell me, what she is looking for. I have no idea. It is making me ill.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2014, 01:20:44 PM »

Well it sounds like you are trying to seperate her and how compatible you were together from the abuse.     But they are one and the same.     The abuser is her.    The person you loved and had some great times with is also her.    There is no seperating those two.   

Also you may want to be mindful of how much information you divulge to her.    It doesn't sound like she is providing much in return.     Maybe you need to start asking her some questions instead if you truly want a possible relationship with her.    If not you need start limiting contact now.   
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Skip
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« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2014, 01:43:11 PM »

Since we talked, I am soo conflicted. I don't feel great. I'm worried I'm going to allow myself to get sucked back in. I keep having this fantasy that we can be together and everything will be great. But, I don't know what she even wants. I'm afraid to ask.

Willy,

Look at this guy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

Look at this guy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=146987.msg1427871#msg1427871

One saved his relationship and lives a good life (with a diagnosed pwBPD) and one has many failed recycles.

What the difference?

One found his contribution to the relationship problem and fixed it. He was then in a better place to evaluate his relationship.  When he decided it was worth trying again, he was a changed man and lead the change in the relationship.  She changed too.  They both worked hard and found a way.

Forget about her for a moment and let's look at you.  Have you done the relationship postmortem and the personal inventory to have a better handle on this?

When a relationship ends with somebody that you love, you have to process that (see Detachment leads to Freedom in the right margin).

You may just be running from it and yourself.

You're not going to be able to deal with her or anyone else until you break this down - do the work - learn who you are in a relationship.

We can't know (member's here) know if the problem was just bad relationship skills both ways, or her, or you, or... .   We don't even know if she has serious BPD traits.  We don't how healthy you are. Your old relationship may be salvageable - or a hopeless abyss.

But the one thing that comes through is that you still have to process this- your have work to do before you can move on to someone else or to effectively evaluate the past relationship and its chance for success.

You both still have feelings.  You both have a history of conflict.  If nothing has changed on either side, you can expect more of the same.



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« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2014, 01:57:42 PM »

Skip

That post speaks volumes too me anyhow

Thank you
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« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2014, 03:05:27 PM »

Yeah. That's a great point. I guess that is what I'm trying to figure out. What she said to me on the call was:

1) You are my best friend in the whole world

2) Are you seeing anyone right now? (to which I said none of your business... . I didn't ask her)

3) I would love to see you

4) I want to hang out with you

5) I have been thinking about you for three months and can't get you out of my mind

6) I will never find anyone who understands me like you do

That was the gist of it. Pretty heavy stuff for not having spoken in a year. The last time I spoke to her I said: Don't call me. I have let you take too much from me and I'm not letting you take any more. That was about 14 months ago. No mention of that on the call.

Ug. This makes me want to cry and curl up into a ball in the corner. I'm not sure why I care what she is trying to say. I  think part of it is not understanding what is going on and it is making my mind and heart hurt. I love her with all my heart. We are perfect for each other in every way. Except for the abuse. And I'm not willing to take the abuse anymore. I have no idea if she has gotten councilling (I doubt it). I have no idea what's going on in her personal life. I have no idea what she is trying to tell me, what she is looking for. I have no idea. It is making me ill.

I have heard the exact same thing - almost word for word. 

For the most part, that is how every recycle started.  I think I allowed it all those times because I thought the same thing you are thinking... . "I love her with all my heart" and things were fine between us... . until they weren't.

Unfortunately the not good times grew and grew and grew.  When, in reality - they shouldn't have ever gotten as big as they did.  Yes, a r/s takes two people. Not trying to put the  blame just on her or the disorder.  I had to have wanted it.

But  now that I know the true cost... . I'll pass.
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« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2014, 03:13:25 PM »

Willy -

What you just wrote could be my last reunion with my uBPDexgf. "I want you in my life." "You're my best friend." "Are you dating anyone?" All the same exact things I heard. I gave in. Same result. I know how you feel because 7 months NC I still dream about her calling me. She hasn't and probably won't and that's probably better for me, but I still want it. I'm sure that's the way you feel right now, but just based on the past, I know nothing will change. Be as strong as you can my friend. Good luck.
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willy45
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« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2014, 05:08:38 PM »

Hi All,

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful posts. Skip, I really appreciate your time and effort on your reply. It has shed a lot of light on my thinking. If you will indulge me, here is a response.

I did a TON of work on myself since we broke up. I went to a T for about 6 months and worked through a lot of issues. My main ones that I have found the most challenging were learning how to 1) respect my own boundaries; and 2) validate my sense of reality and right/wrong. I have seen huge changes in my life as a result. I have been able to implement these in my work life and in other relationship contexts and I have found it has made an enormous difference. I was always the 'fixer', trying to fix everyone else's emotional states. With my ex, that was my role. She would flip out on me or about something else and I would try to fix it. I would try to see what I had done 'wrong' and try to change it. I would take on that hurt and pain and try to relieve it as an equal partner in the relationship. What I have learned was that trying to fix it was the thing that hurt it the most. Instead of standing my ground, I would go into a huge funk because I wouldn't be able to fix it, take on all the guilt and shame and anger, which would make things worse.

So, in that really hard work, yes. I can truly say I am a changed man. And I'm not willing to go back. I have been able to accomplish some extraordinary things.

Now, as for her? I have no idea. I guess I have my hopes up that she has done the same. But, I truly doubt it. I think my fear and my confusion and my anxiety is that I have done this work and been able to implement it in every other facet of my life. And this is a big test. Have I changed enough to ask her these questions? Have I changed enough to trust my own instincts to draw boundaries if I don't like hearing the answers? That's a big test. Am I up for it? I don't know. I guess I will have to give it some more thought.

But, thank you so much for this post. This was really, really helpful. It made me realize that the anxiety and fear I am feeling is much less about her and much more about not feeling secure enough to trust my own judgement.

I am 95% sure that I won't hear anything from her to make me feel safe. I am 99% sure she hasn't done any work on herself. But, I don't really know. I guess the fear I have is that I won't be able to discern for myself.

So, again, if you would indulge... . Do these seem like acceptable boundaries?

1) If she hasn't done any work on herself then it is no deal.

2) If she is seeing anyone else or has just broken up with someone, it is no deal.

3) If she can explain to me why she would rage at me without blaming me entirely or the situation, it is no deal.

4) If she just wants to be my 'best friend', it is no deal (as I have no idea what that would actually mean in real life)

What would be acceptable to me is:

1) If she answers these questions truthfully and she has done the work, I would be willing to have another conversation about it.

2) If she just wants to be 'friends', then I would find a catch up call or email ok once every 6 months with very strict boundaries around the content of those conversations.

Just reading this makes me laugh a bit because I know that any of this is very unlikely.

Thanks again. I feel a million times better.




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willy45
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« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2014, 04:57:21 PM »

Hi All,

Just thought I would check in today. I had contact with my uexBPDgf last week. I'm pretty sure it was a recycle attempt but I don't have any more clarity on that at all.

Part of me is still living in a dream world were she has done extensive work on herself over the past 1.5 years and would be a suitable partner for me and we can live happily ever after. That part of my brain is working overdrive. But, the anxiety about it has gone for the most part. Thanks to Skip and his previous post, I was able to ground myself again and define what my boundaries are. I realized that my anxiety and my body was telling me to be scared, that this person was capable of destroying me and that I should be careful. At the same time, my mind was filling up with the 'happily ever after' fantasy. But I think the anxiety was being caused by not trusting how I have grown over the past 1.5 years and all the work I have done to be able to establish good boundaries for myself and to view my own reality and my own ability to make choices as being important. I now feel much more at ease with the fact that my mind is creating these fantasies. If they don't come true, I know that it will be because of MY choice to not engage in any way if things haven't changed on her end.

What did she mean when she said 'I won't find someone who understands me like you do', 'Are you dating someone right now', 'You are my best friend in the whole wide world', 'I want you in my life', 'I value and cherish our friendship'. What does she mean? Who the h*ll knows? All I can do is ask and evaluate for myself and trust that I can say 'no' to whatever makes me uncomfortable. And all I can do is trust myself that I know what is best for me.

So, I guess I have decided to find out. To ask her. I'm sure I will be hurt by her answer. But, I don't feel anxiety about that either. I left her for a good reason. She was abusive with me. And I am not willing to let that happen again, whether she is feeling me out for a new partnership or a new friendship.

That's all. Perhaps I am delusional at this point. We will find out!

Thanks.
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« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2014, 05:54:18 PM »

What did she mean when she said 'I won't find someone who understands me like you do', ... . 'You are my best friend in the whole wide world', 'I want you in my life', 'I value and cherish our friendship'.

  Sounds like we know the same girl, willy! In my uBPDxgfs' case, I believe it was a combination of a genuine knowledge that I was in fact her best friend, in terms of being understanding, patient, forgiving, supportive, etc., and a cynical BPD-driven attempt to keep me on a string so she could pull me back in whenever she needed validation (or money) while she screwed/partied with every other guy in town.  

So, I guess I have decided to find out. To ask her.

  IMHO, that's a slippery slope, willy. You know why you ended the relationship. You know why you deserve better than she can offer. You know you're not delusional. So why risk getting drawn back in to her destructive world? Stay strong and look after you.  
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« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2014, 05:58:40 PM »

Don't do that ! Don't go there.

They all say the same thing - NOTHING WILL CHANGE!

Friends? Hell - do you trust her - truly would you trust her your life? If no or you are not quite sure, then bite your tongue and be silent - do not engage - that is the best option.

1) I won't find someone who understands me like you do=my current rs failed, you are so special to me - we had a cosmic connection  (makes you feel special but you know that that is not true - she had previous rs and they felt to her more or less the same).

2) Are you dating someone=What are my chances to get you back? (wants to be polite so to seem that she won't ruin you possible current rs - earns brownie points in your eyes)

3) You are my best friend etc=you are so special (again you know that is not true)

4) I want you in my life=I want my old punching bag back in case i need it.

5) I value and cherish our friendship=if I will need something from you I want you to do that

My interpretation is from our side - she might feel something else, but the reality to you will feel like my interpretation. Do you want that? Do you really think you don't deserve better?
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« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2014, 06:04:14 PM »

... . a cosmic connection... .

  You too, mapys? She really does get around.   The very same words.
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« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2014, 06:27:07 PM »

So, I guess I have decided to find out. To ask her. I'm sure I will be hurt by her answer. But, I don't feel anxiety about that either.

sounds like you have pretty well decided what you want to do. But I think it's important to keep in mind that you probably won't get ANY answers. In my experience, there is no talking with a scorned BPDex. They cannot hear reason and twist everything around. As others have said here, including yourself, this is most definitely a recycle attempt.

I think the answers you seek are better found here.
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« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2014, 09:04:56 PM »

Ha ha. Yes. You are all correct. I haven't spoken to her yet. But, I know you guys are right. There is no way anything has changed on her end and there is no way I'm going back to the abuse. Just living in a fantasy land. I know that is dangerous. But I have pretty clear boundaries. I guess the point being is that I felt terrible after she called. And felt terrible for a week. But then realized that I am the one in control of my own decisions. And that made me feel a million Times better.
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« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2014, 10:40:32 PM »

... . But then realized that I am the one in control of my own decisions. And that made me feel a million Times better.

   That's the spirit!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  It ain't always easy, but it's do-able and over time it does get easier.
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« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2014, 08:12:47 AM »

So, I guess I have decided to find out. To ask her. I'm sure I will be hurt by her answer.

willy45,

If you ask her to define the obvious or ask her to prove that she has seen the error of her ways (or sees it your way) and has repaired herself to your satisfaction, its not going to be a good conversation.

With anyone. Ever.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

If you want to explore - be wise and mature in your ways.

So, again, if you would indulge... . Do these seem like acceptable boundaries?

1) If she hasn't done any work on herself then it is no deal.

2) If she is seeing anyone else or has just broken up with someone, it is no deal.

3) If she can explain to me why she would rage at me without blaming me entirely or the situation, it is no deal.

4) If she just wants to be my 'best friend', it is no deal (as I have no idea what that would actually mean in real life)

Implied in all of this is that the problem was her and that she owes you and apology and a promise.  Many of us feel this way - but turn the tables - how would you respond to being treated like this?

I'd make the assumption that my attitude and approach was triggering to her and part of the problem and not to go back there - and that everyone deserves to be respected and a fresh start doesn't begin with opening the old bags. Remeber, she is a women and needs to be treated like one.

As for your criteria... .

1) If she hasn't done any work on herself then it is no deal. - Observe - don't ask - especially don't ask up front - you know what to look for

2) If she is seeing anyone else or has just broken up with someone, and want to date it is no deal. - Absolutely

3) If she can explain to me why she would rage at me without blaming me entirely or the situation, it is no deal. - I've never seen this work     Let her bring this up in her own way and time.

4) If she just wants to be my 'best friend', it is no deal (as I have no idea what that would actually mean in real life)- Maybe easing into it as friends - a few casual get togethers over a month or two - is a wise place to start.

Go one step at a time, go slow, and don't have idealistic expectations. You earn as you go.  Let her earn it too.  Step by step.  You know what to look for.  You have recycled before.  You know what BPD.  You know yourself and your quirks... .

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« Reply #26 on: March 23, 2014, 10:06:27 AM »

Hi Skip,

Yes. Very wise advice. Thank you so much. I wasn't planning on asking her outright. That would certainly be awkward. I guess I just wanted to ask her why she contacted me although thinking about it, I'm not sure that will offer a whole ton of clarity. We don't live in the same city so this kind of conversation is probably not likely to yield much over the phone. I'll have to think about wether or not I want to 'ease' into it in terms of taking the time to find out. I'm not sure I can handle that but I'll think about it. Having her call me was already a boundary being busted. She didn't really offer any explanation as to why she did other than that she missed me but there was no mention of 'hey, sorry to call, I know you told me not to' or anything of that sort. It was just out of the blue and then all this stuff about missing me, being her best friend, asking me if I was dating anyone, telling me she will never find someone who understands her like I do. Perhaps that is my first piece of evidence... .

Thanks though. Much to think about.

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« Reply #27 on: March 23, 2014, 10:52:48 AM »

Having her call me was already a boundary being busted. She didn't really offer any explanation as to why she did.

  You set the boundaries for a reason, Willy.

I did a TON of work on myself since we broke up. I went to a T for about 6 months and worked through a lot of issues. My main ones that I have found the most challenging were learning how to 1) respect my own boundaries; and 2) validate my sense of reality and right/wrong. I have seen huge changes in my life as a result. I have been able to implement these in my work life and in other relationship contexts and I have found it has made an enormous difference.

  The question now is, do you apply what you've learned to another attempt at a relationship with someone who's... .

... . capable of destroying me... . I left her for a good reason. She was abusive with me. And I am not willing to let that happen again.

  ... . or do you apply it to a relationship with someone else, someone who's healthy, who can conduct themselves in a mature, loving way and thereby maximise the value you get from all your good work?

   It's a question only you can answer and either way, I wish you well. Maybe she has spent the last 1.5 years getting the help she needs, but if she hasn't... .

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« Reply #28 on: March 23, 2014, 01:33:09 PM »

The question  ... . or do you apply it to a relationship with someone else

an important question for sure.

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« Reply #29 on: March 23, 2014, 03:40:40 PM »

This is a good thread, willy45.  Regardless your decision, it helps to read from the experience of those who have gone through similar (at least for me it does, I hope it does for you).

I don't know if there were any clear "recycles" in my 14 month BPD relationship per se, but just being nearly 2 weeks of NC out and having just received a letter (which I'll discuss in another thread), it's helpful to read yours and the processes of others.  Thanks  .
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