Expect nothing

[Depression = 72% of members]

Expect no closure no honesty.   Expect more than that and you will drive yourself to near madness a breakdown and near suicide.  That's what I have done.  Hope for some semblance of decency.   It never came.   It never will.  And as a result I am an empty heart broken and permanently damaged shell of a person.

Run, don't look back and heal from what my ex described in one of her few honest moments as the "hell she put me though".  Didn't stop her from betraying me one last time when I could ill afford it.   As a result I am a broken utterly broken man.

[really]

Expect no closure no honesty.   Expect more than that and you will drive yourself to near madness a breakdown and near suicide.  That's what I have done.  Hope for some semblance of decency.   It never came.   It never will.  And as a result I am an empty heart broken and permanently damaged shell of a person.

Run, don't look back and heal from what my ex described in one of her few honest moments as the "hell she put me though".  Didn't stop her from betraying me one last time when I could ill afford it.   As a result I am a broken utterly broken man.

[Stjarna]

I am heartbroken for you.  I understand completely.  No closure, no honesty, no semblance of decency.  Yep, that about sums it up. 

The experts here will have wiser words than I can muster, but one of my core beliefs is that this is an ever-changing, dynamic world, and we can allow ourselves to not be stuck in a space of permanence, such as permanently damaged or forever broken.  Nothing remains the same, ever. 

Hang in there, please. 

[Ihope2]

Dear Really

I can so relate to your feelings of brokeness.  I am living in similar "limbo" right now, after instituting divorce proceedings.  My husband has disappeared and I have no closure. When he left, he raged at me one last time, threatening suicide and blaming me, and then still even saying that he loved me and he does not know what he has done wrong.

But then shortly after that, one of his text messages to me said something like "you are right to leave me, you have done the right thing".  It is all such a maelstrom of confusion and emotional upheaval and manipulation.  You get sucked into it, and live through the turmoil and weather the emotional storms as best you can, and then before you know it, you are spat out.  Alone, confused, dazed, desperately hurt, grief struck. 

There was an attachment, we felt it so intensely. But it was total dysfunctional enmeshment for the greater part.  Our psyche became enmeshed with theirs.

Now we need to come to rest and peace and unravel what the hell it was all about / "what just happened".  We have a whole lot of unresolved issues we know need to find closure for on our own.  We have to take our own selves back.  Unravel ourselves from the extreme enmeshment with our BPD other.  Force ourselves to face the pain and loss, we have to go through, there is no way back.

Go through, go forward, and eventually we will move on and out.

Blessings and Loving Kindness on us all.

[Split black]

Expect no closure no honesty.   Expect more than that and you will drive yourself to near madness a breakdown and near suicide.  That's what I have done.  Hope for some semblance of decency.   It never came.   It never will.  And as a result I am an empty heart broken and permanently damaged shell of a person.

Run, don't look back and heal from what my ex described in one of her few honest moments as the "hell she put me though".  Didn't stop her from betraying me one last time when I could ill afford it.   As a result I am a broken utterly broken man.

I feel for you bro. Mine cheated on me so clandestinely she could have worked for the CIA. Its gut wrenching beyond words, she played me, chumped me, used me and finally discarded me for absolutely no sane reason... . One year... . split black 4 times before... . I should have walked the first time I would have avoided most of this anguish... . And all the while spewing her undying love and to please never leave her... . but at the end of the day they are sketch and skanks and although the thoughts of her disgusting behavior are shattering you will find your way out of the primordial slime that she is... . as is mine... and you will heal. You will find enough shrapnel from the broken hearts on this board to fill the Grand Canyon. Try to accept reality for what it is because you just dont have a choice.  Stay on the board and read read read about this disorder. Its gonna take some time. Hang in there.

[really]

Thanks for responses.   It's been over 2 years and it feels like yesterday.    I hung on to hope not of a recycle but that basic human decency of honesty.  She knows what this has done to my health.  She knows the depths of depression I now endure.    To simply be validated as a human being, that something of the hell she put me through was worth something to her.  She has walked away with her career her health her finances in tact and with me looking like the mad one.    I had hoped that the words of 4 Psychologists and one Psychiatrist that she simply was not capable of honesty would be proven wrong.   When i see on the news people who were abused as children by clergy begging for some recognition of what they endured I have a huge amount of empathy.  Abuse - mental or physical - betrayal by someone in whom you put trust is utterly soul destroying.   Well it has been for me !  It's a disorder I get that but what I still struggle with is how someone who was forgiven by me before for so much, who asked for my trust forgiveness and commitment cannot take five minutes out of their life to give closure and honesty to someone who they hurt terribly.    To the rest of the world she is beautiful charismatic intelligent and no one would have a clue what she is capable of.   That five mins would have made a world of difference to me but if she was capable of that I would not be here. 

[Ihope2]

Dear Really

Please let go of her.  You will never get this validation from her.  Stop hanging on for it. As I write these words, I could be writing them to myself.  It has been two weeks since I last saw my husband.  I have no idea where he will go to, what he will do.  I am still worried sick about what will become of him.  But, I am cutting those psychic chords.  I let him go in peace and loving kindness.

It was not my role to save him from himself and his life of misery and loneliness and pain. 

It was unfair of me to expect eternal gratefulness and validation from him as to what a good person I am.

I need to seek my own peace and fulfillment and joy.  Nobody can do it for me.

I also feel that the life has been drained out of me, I feel unbearably tired and sad. I feel guilty and bad.  I grieve the loss of everything I had hoped for in this marriage relationship, that never came to pass.  I am filled with great sadness about his life and the abuse and pain he had been through from early childhood.  I am endlessly sad about the health setbacks he suffers from the physical abuse he went through as a child. But, I have equal sadness now about my childhood losses, too.  I am angry and sad about the dysfunctional and disrupted childhood that my siblings and I also had to endure in our Family of Origin.  I am grieving my loss of my early adult years, I really stuffed up my twenties and thirties.  I lived through dysfunctional and abusive relationships as that was my unconscious script - I needed to rescue others to find validation.  What a waste of healthy living!

No more, I am going to recover and move forward with hope and faith.  I do not hate my past dysfunctional partners nor my current BPD husband (soon to be divorced).  I had to wake up to myself and I needed to learn some painful things.

I am resolving to be kind to myself, stop beating myself up, and stop this self-appointed role of rescuer of others in distress.

I resolve to be more honest with myself and others.  I have not been living honestly.

Good luck, Really.  It is a long, hard journey.

[Take2]

Really. ... .   Uuugh I feel for you... . I'm very much stuck in that same place... . Although I suppose in a way I was given closure in that in between being told he loves me I was told way more often how much he hates due to how horrible I am over things he insists I did but in reality did not do... . and now I am completely shut out... .

He knows shutting me out is by far more painful for me than his frightening threats and rages.

Anyway different circumstances. ... . same outcome. ... . same brutally painful recovery.

Hang in there... .  

[Madison66]

I can totally relate about the lack of closure.  I am 4 months out of my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I tried to leave the r/s in October after the increased emotional abuse/blackmail, projectioning, crazy making, etc. wore me down to the point of exhaustion.  We recycled for about six weeks and then there were two incidents of physical abuse against me that led me to finally cut the cord for good in early December.  I went n/c, but that was difficult with her living in a rental home on my block (I own my place).  There was an unplanned meeting at a coffee shop up the street and walking back, I tried to have a closure discussion with her.  She apologized for nothing, not even the physical abuse or the hundreds of dollars of damage she did to my property as she left my home after the last incident.  She even went so far to ask me what I had wanted from the r/s.  I told her I loved her and wanted for us to be together, but hoped she'd get help and for her behaviors to change.  Her reply was that "well, sometimes you need more than hope".  That was a weird statement.  She then attempted to establish that we will be good friends and neighbors moving forward.  I told her that wasn't what I wanted and that n/c moving forward is what I want and need.  Yuck!  This is the kind of closure you get and I learned a huge lesson.  It actually helped me shift my focus from the r/s to me. 

By that time (two weeks after the b/u), she had replacement #1 going and is now moving her and her kids in with replacement #3 in two weeks (it will be about 4.5 months after b/u).  Crazy, but good for me in that she will be moving outside of my area. 

I've maintained 100% n/c and have even avoided any contact with her young kids as they've played outside her rental.  Sad stuff, but I see absolutely nothing beneficial for me to have any contact.  Again, I don't see any type of closure that would involve her apologizing and/or openly stating that she understands how her actions must have made me feel.  My closure is happening within myself, which is the most important... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi really,

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. It's hard to let go.   

How are things going with therapy?  Are you still in treatment for depression?

We're here for you.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm so sorry, really.  I feel your pain literally.  We have to make our own closure, let go, Let God.  That is not a cliche, it's words to live by when wrecked by a pwBPD

Hugs

CiF

[really]

Thank you all.  What a battle. Has brought me to my knees and lower.   

[Take2]

It's a disorder I get that but what I still struggle with is how someone who was forgiven by me before for so much, who asked for my trust forgiveness and commitment cannot take five minutes out of their life to give closure and honesty to someone who they hurt terribly.    To the rest of the world she is beautiful charismatic intelligent and no one would have a clue what she is capable of.   That five mins would have made a world of difference to me but if she was capable of that I would not be here. 

This part of your quote I can completely identify with because it feels so unfair to us.  But in order for those like us stuck on the concept of fairness/decency of another who has destroyed us, we need simply let go of that wish and focus on what Madison66 said below "My closure is happening within myself, which is the most important... . "

It is a terrible battle... . and you have come so far from it.  I'm not sure if you still see or talk to your ex?

As I work with mine, I know how terribly hard it can be to make a complete break away from the ex and that the wound heals much much more slowly... .   but if you aren't completely NC, and do have the ability to be, please try to do so... .   you deserve it, you deserve to let this go and be good to yourself... . YOU deserve to let yourself move forward... .    

[JohnThorn]

Expect no closure no honesty.   Expect more than that and you will drive yourself to near madness a breakdown and near suicide.  That's what I have done.  Hope for some semblance of decency.   It never came.   It never will.  And as a result I am an empty heart broken and permanently damaged shell of a person.

Run, don't look back and heal from what my ex described in one of her few honest moments as the "hell she put me though".  Didn't stop her from betraying me one last time when I could ill afford it.   As a result I am a broken utterly broken man.

I am so sorry for you man! I feel similar feelings! I'd still rather be you than her, and me than my ex BPD. 

[dzstyle]

Same thing for me. She broke up with me 4 months ago after a 3 years r/s. We were NC since 1 month and a half. Last time we spoke, I confronted her with her lies during the r/s. She denied everything even if I had all the evidence she was lying. At what point, the line broke up she never answered after. I texted her 5 days ago because she had some stuff left at my house. She didn't answer. Unluckily the same day, I was hospitalized  for a double pulmonary embolism. I saw death really close. I dont know how she heard as we were no contact and not really a lot of friends in common. She texted me I heard about your medical condition and I wish you to get well as soon as possible. I replied thank you very much for your care. It is really appreciated. i told her as I was really close to die. I realized a lot of things and It is worthless to still hold grudges towards you so if you want to talk and have time you can call me at anytime. i dont hold any hard feelings.

I sent her the message this morning and still didn't get any answer. I am wondering how bad this people can get. 4 months ago I was the man of her life. I didnt cheat on her. I didnt beat her. I treated her like a princess. She lived at my place where I provided everything for her. She didn't pay a single dime. I almost died and she doesnt even care giving me a call just to see how I feel. If she had the same thing, i would probably rushed to the hospital right away. It s just overwhelming how fast they move on.

[Split black]

Expect no closure no honesty.   Expect more than that and you will drive yourself to near madness a breakdown and near suicide.  That's what I have done.  Hope for some semblance of decency.   It never came.   It never will.  And as a result I am an empty heart broken and permanently damaged shell of a person.

Run, don't look back and heal from what my ex described in one of her few honest moments as the "hell she put me though".  Didn't stop her from betraying me one last time when I could ill afford it.   As a result I am a broken utterly broken man.

I broke a month and a half of NC today because it was sunny outside and I had a weak moment. I regret it badly. It was miserable speaking to her. I felt worse. Shes never coming back and I wouldn't take her back now anyway. And she is an idiot locked into a pre-wired behavior that I can almost quote verbatim as it drizzles out of her clueless pie hole. She said she is truly happy now with her ex of 4 years, recycled countless times, vilified and bashed endlessly, who she cheated on with at least 15 guys I know of including me... . shes in love and truly happy. Good for her.

[Take2]

That stinks Split Black. ... .   I'm so sorry that was the feedback you received as a result. ... .    

You deserve so much more... .

[Jb101]

I broke a month and a half of NC today because it was sunny outside and I had a weak moment. I regret it badly. It was miserable speaking to her. I felt worse. Shes never coming back and I wouldn't take her back now anyway. And she is an idiot locked into a pre-wired behavior that I can almost quote verbatim as it drizzles out of her clueless pie hole. She said she is truly happy now with her ex of 4 years, recycled countless times, vilified and bashed endlessly, who she cheated on with at least 15 guys I know of including me... . shes in love and truly happy. Good for her.

I feel for you. They have no empathy. I've been really sick the last few days, stupidly called and talked to her. She was nice for a bit, then said she had to go and eat dinner, but to call her back... . she was engaged on the phone when I rang back... . So I text her later at night... .

"Night babe, still very crook and off to bed. Was good talking to you earlier, hopefully speak soon."

Her reply... . "Whatever, why don't you hitoff... . "

Complete headf###... .

[Take2]

"Night babe, still very crook and off to bed. Was good talking to you earlier, hopefully speak soon."

Her reply... . "Whatever, why don't you off... . "

Complete headf###... .

It's a complete mindf**k... .

[Split black]

That stinks Split Black. ... .   I'm so sorry that was the feedback you received as a result. ... .    

You deserve so much more... .

She texted me to meet today... . I did. It was pure misery. Nothing went as planned. She even took money from me. My fault. I dont even like her anymore. Today was a good thing. I think Im getting a lot closer to indifference. Im not black anymore... . but not white either... . Im leaving for till Sunday out of state. She made me so miserable today with broken plans, bull___,  and push pull... .   then texts me half the night with more frustrating circular conversations... . this afternoon... . apologizes and tells me to call when I get back. I said why? So you can make more even more miserable. That sentiment vanished by the last text. Im going to strive for NC again... this time its my idea.

[Take2]

What happened that was pure misery when you saw her?

I think your decision to go NC again is the right one from the sound of it... .   take the time and enjoy your trip away and detach from it.  The space will help.