8 months since he left and I still can't stop thinking about him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been eight months since my exBPDh left me.  It's been 4 months with very little contact, only a couple of texts about financial stuff that was being sorted out.

I have tried and tried to get on with my life and make the best of things.  But I am still thinking of him all the time.  I can't get him out of my head and I hate it.  I constantly wonder what he is doing and think of him being with the replacement.  I just want to forget him but he's always there. 

It doesn't help that he lives locally and I see him drive past now and again.  I know that every time I go out there is a possibility that I will see him.  Part of me wants to and part of me dreads that happening.

I feel like I am going mad.  Why does he still have this hold on me after all this time?  When will he go away?

I feel so low again, I have been tearful and sad for days.  I thought I was getting over it but apparently not.  Will this ever end?

[Popcorn71]

It has been eight months since my exBPDh left me.  It's been 4 months with very little contact, only a couple of texts about financial stuff that was being sorted out.

I have tried and tried to get on with my life and make the best of things.  But I am still thinking of him all the time.  I can't get him out of my head and I hate it.  I constantly wonder what he is doing and think of him being with the replacement.  I just want to forget him but he's always there. 

It doesn't help that he lives locally and I see him drive past now and again.  I know that every time I go out there is a possibility that I will see him.  Part of me wants to and part of me dreads that happening.

I feel like I am going mad.  Why does he still have this hold on me after all this time?  When will he go away?

I feel so low again, I have been tearful and sad for days.  I thought I was getting over it but apparently not.  Will this ever end?

[Clearmind]

There is something in us that has us ruminating about an abusive relationship.

My ex didn't have a hold on me after our break up, it was my past (well before I met him) that had a hold on me. I had unfinished business back there - heal from within. The answers do not lie with him yet we still place so much power on their ability to hold us.

Find your reasons for being attracted to a disordered individual.

[LettingGo14]

I feel like I am going mad.  Why does he still have this hold on me after all this time?  When will he go away?

I feel so low again, I have been tearful and sad for days.  I thought I was getting over it but apparently not.  Will this ever end?

Hello Popcorn.  Thank you for posting here.   I can tell you, without a doubt, that -- yes, this will end.   I can't tell you when or how, but I'm certain that "detachment leads to freedom."    To that end, I just wanted to share a couple things that I have learned here:

1. You are not alone.  This is not just you.  Many people here struggle with rumination and being hooked.  Before I came here my brain felt like it was short-circuiting because of the overwhelming "losses" I associated with the end of the relationship, even though (intellectually) I remembered 80% bad and 20% good.  Losing 20% good was all my brain focused on.

2. Rumination (or repetitive thinking) seems to be our brain's way to "resolve" the unattained.  I considered my ex-girlfriend my "soul mate" and being abandoned, painted black, and triangulated out of her life left me devastated.  The problem with rumination is that we ask, "why, why, why."   One study I read said to try to answer the question, "how."  So then I picked up the list of 10 Things That Keep Us Stuck and I started writing my responses to each.  I learned that my brain was focused on things that, in fact, kept me stuck.

3. Learning about the disorder, and its implications, has helped free me from the idea that I could have done anything to save her, or the relationship.  Ultimately, I'm concluding, I just need to understand my role.   

4. I had a hard time letting myself grieve because I wanted her to come back.  I wanted it "fixed."  I wanted to "fix it."   Letting myself grieve, and getting help here to start the process of self-inquiry, has served as a "release" from the failed dreams of "soul mating."

I hope that helps.   What are some things you are grateful for right now in your life?   That's another way to draw attention from darker thoughts.

[Popcorn71]

I do keep asking why. All I can think is that it was me. I wasn't even good enough for a loser like him.  All I wanted was for somebody to love me and stay with me.  All I got was lies and being left yet again. What is wrong with me?

[LettingGo14]

I do keep asking why. All I can think is that it was me. I wasn't even good enough for a loser like him.  All I wanted was for somebody to love me and stay with me.  All I got was lies and being left yet again. What is wrong with me?

Fundamentally, I completely understand feeling devastated.   I was, and in some ways, remain there.  Yet, what I am coming to learn is this:   I am only in control of myself.   And, the fundamental building block of my life is unconditional self-acceptance.    That doesn't mean license to do whatever I want to do.   It means, like Brene Brown says, that I must start with self-compassion. 

Here's a starting point re: self-compassion.   www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/25/brene-brown-self-criticism-compassion_n_4848895.html

We're here for you.  Are you seeing a T?

[emotionaholic]

Popcorn71

You are so not alone in this.  Living near your ex and seeing them often really makes it hard to detach. And the complete opposite feelings of dreading and wanting to see them at the same time is torture.  I've been there.  I know.  My ex and I each have children from different r/s that are in the same class at school, so run ins are inevitable.  The anxiety I felt everyday I dropped my son of at school was hell, and was feeding a devastating depression that I could not snap out of.  This went on for 9 months.  Then one day I decided forget it she had pulled up behind me so I got out of my truck and walked over and said hello.  9 months of silence ended.  I asked her out to coffee and was politely rejected, my biggest fear.  But somehow during that 5 minute conversation I was finally able to see just how messed up she was and realized that I did not know this person anymore.  I spent the rest of the day on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell, most of it in tears.  The next day I woke up and it was gone.  I was suddenly free!  That was a month ago and I feel great!  At 8 months I did not ever think I was going to be free from that r/s.  Things do change.

Everybody has a different time frame to heal.  It can be extreemly difficult to work on yourself when you are still wrapped up in another person.  Keep doing it though and your day will come.  Therapy, reading these posts, exercise, meetup groups, and learning to love and respect yourself, oh and wine   will set you free! 

[blue_skies_ahead]

Popcorn71, I know how you feel exactly.  I'm trying to take better care of me and focus on the long list of things he's done that I don't miss at all. If you ever need to talk, PM me.   Hugs!

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for your kind replies.

I am sitting here crying with a bottle of wine.  I have been very down for a few days.  I've been holding it all in for too long.

Everyone thinks I should be over it by now and I've been putting on a happy face.  Thankfully work is keeping me busy but long hours, lack of sleep and feeling depressed is starting to take its toll.

It is good to know that others understand and care.  I really feel that there must be something wrong with me to be bothered after so long.  I know he wasn't worth it and wasn't good for me but at the moment I keep remembering the good times.  I'm not having many good times at the moment so maybe that is why I see the past as perhaps being better than it was.

My life has changed so much since he left that it is all so hard to cope with.  I've had enough of problems now.

[Surrender]

I just made a discovery that became incredibly clear to me as a result of my ex-DiagBPDBFcalling me last night. We spoke for hours and I saw clearly what had eluded me through the entire 3 year relationship - that he wore me as though I were a suit and now he is reinventing himself with a more worldly persona. The man I thought and created was no longer there and it all was an illusion. The person I was having a relationship with was 'me' in essence and the man that I thought I knew was I hate to say an empty shell changing suits and constantly having to reinvent himself in order to 'feel' himself.

He actually said to me that he was going to find a more 'worldly woman' because he feels that will help him stay grounded and be more balanced. A few sentences later he was telling me that he doesn't want to let me go and that he feels like every woman he will go with will just make him feel regret for losing me. He was mentally all over the place and with that he told me that he has changed the way he thinks completely and now is 'new' in how he takes in information and what he chooses to put out there. He told me that he is already seeing a positive reaction in people both men and women.

I felt like I was talking to something empty who had no idea of who he was but only via 'other' stimulation and people. It was then that it really hit me that I had no idea who he was and that he literally was wearing 'me' and that is who I was having a relationship with. Like the wind he is and can be anything at any given time but it will always be an illusion and he will always be struggling to 'find' a self that he can be. So he will go from suit to suit, from one shopping spree to the next, from one type of woman to the next but always he will mold into and absorb the latest fix. After 3 years he adopted my favorite stone and now adorns himself with it, my decorating tastes, my style of thinking, writing  and music. What it looks like is that he adopted my essence and incorporated his own version of me essentially.

Yes it is all becoming so much clearer now.

It broke my heart but in a strange way I know this realization will help me to move on and be free of him. It was the hardest conversation because I wanted to believe that I had loved someone real but I know now he was never truly there.

[janey62]

Thanks for your kind replies.

I am sitting here crying with a bottle of wine.  I have been very down for a few days.  I've been holding it all in for too long.

I'm not having many good times at the moment so maybe that is why I see the past as perhaps being better than it was.

My life has changed so much since he left that it is all so hard to cope with.  I've had enough of problems now.

Hey Popcorn,  sounds like you're in a dark place?

I can really relate to you actually as i've been feeling low for a while now too.  It feels like I'm not having any good times either and so my thoughts wander back to the times when I was happy with him, and how happy I was!   

I'm living alone in an isolated spot, though I have neighbours.  I'm in a new job with people I don't have much in common with and have left all my old friends and family behind (to go live with him).  I feel dreadfully lost and lonely and miss my old life with an ache that is unbearable.

I can tell you though that wine won't help, contrary to what the other person said (jokingly I know) it is a depressant and so if you're feeling blue it will make you feel more blue!  I can guarantee this!

Having said that, even though I know what does help, I find it hard to put those good things into action.  My thing is comfort eating which doesn't actually make me feel better, except maybe for a few seconds, but actually makes it all worse because  then I have the self loathing going on too!

So,  we must wait for better times.  They will come, but only if we do the right things now.  I guess, and this is for me too, the right things are individual, but broadly speaking they include, eating properly, exercising, being grateful for what we have, accepting that things are tough and that there is a reason for this - that some discomfort is necessary for the healing to begin.  Looking at ourselves and, again for me, wondering why I have so often found myself in this place in my life... . Maybe it is just life, or maybe I am doing something fundamentally which creates this situation? 

I have found a way to be still, to stop thrashing around inside and to just accept that this is how I'm feeling right at this moment and ride it out.  I do believe that it will change and for the better, but I've got to do the work. 

That's a thing that always scared me, 'doing the work'.  Mostly because I didn't know what it meant, though I think now I'm beginning to understand.  Doing the work is, to me, not reacting but taking the time to process and reflect on how I'm feeling and why.  Doing the work is feeling sad and lonely and lost and letting myself come out the other side without trying to escape it.

Dunno, maybe this might help you.  We're here for you; I'm here for you.   

Janey xx

[tango1492]

It's been 9 months for me since the break-up... . and 3 months NC.

I think about him every single day, ruminate a lot, and I check his FB like a compulsion (although his privacy settings are tight and I cannot really see much).

I fantasize that maybe he'll change and come back at some point. I definitely don't have much hope that I'll love someone as much as I loved him. In fact, I fear I'll always compare the passionate we had with someone I meet.

[Popcorn71]

It's been 9 months for me since the break-up... . and 3 months NC.

I think about him every single day, ruminate a lot, and I check his FB like a compulsion (although his privacy settings are tight and I cannot really see much).

I fantasize that maybe he'll change and come back at some point. I definitely don't have much hope that I'll love someone as much as I loved him. In fact, I fear I'll always compare the passionate we had with someone I meet.

I have that fear too.  What we had (at first anyway) was better than any relationship I have ever been in.  Even when we split up we were getting on fine most of the time.  It was my son that was 'painted black' and blamed for all the problems.  Maybe if he'd been horrible to me instead I could hate him more now and it would be easier to get over him.

Today has been a better day.  The weather was great so I went out to meet a friend for a chat and then went for a ride in the countryside with my daughter.  I do have some good times - I just have to be more aware of how good my life actually is at the moment and forget all the problems for now.

Thanks for all the support that you people have shown me.  It helps