Will I ever be comfortable?

[Bee Girl]

There has been improvement, and my (as yet) uBPDbf has resumed the therapy he dropped out of after a brief start, is seeing a psychiatrist this week, and the frequent episodes of  jealousy, the cold shoulder and/or intense verbal abuse have become less frequent. He’s joined a private facebook group for abusers that he learned about through a coworker who is openly facing his own abusive behavior. He’s actually used the word abuse instead of acting as if I have the problem. Progress.

I am also learning, through these boards, to be looking out for myself and work on healthy communication tools and boundaries.

My question is this: how do I overcome the automatic response (wariness to outright trembling) that gets triggered when I sense trouble, even when it’s a “false alarm”? Is it possible to undo that conditioning?

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

Hi bee girl,

That s such good news. He knows acknowledges his issues which is the first step in changing them. Although bumpy stuff is still definitely ahead.

I can relate to your question as well. I seem to turn into overdrive once my dBPDbf doesn't answer my texts because I'm thinking "O no this is the could shoulder again - wow I have no idea why - I won't ever be able to understand him - this is gonna take another three days - I won't be able to do this anymore!"

And then, in turns out it was something minor, and he was upset yes, but not in the way I anticipated on. I think we have to work on our own responses and thoughts, calming ourselves down. I always veel trapped in such a situation like I HAVE to put up with it and there is no choice other than leaving or being abused. I guess there is a gray area where you have ups, downs, but in the end move forward which you then seize to see for a while. I'm gonna talk this through with my therapist as this "catastrophic thinking" is something on my part that I can change. And I'm sure you can, too.

Anyone any advice for the two of us?

[Olinda]

What you are both describing sounds like normal reactions. These reactions help you be prepared and on alert for what might come. The only thing that will change these reactions is a lot of examples of your SO not going down the abusive path, repeatedly, for months or years on end. One relapse of abusive behavior (which will happen) will retrain your body in these NORMAL (sometimes called PTSD) reactions and you will need 6 months to a year with no abusive behaviors to go back to calm.   

Your body has every right to react the way it does, it has kept you safe and it has done its job well. Just because you are a few weeks into a new pattern does not mean your body should automatically forget its expectations and reactions. That is NOT smart.  You have to be on alert to protect yourself. You can work on mindfulness and awareness. You can take deep breaths and calm your mind waiting for what the case will be today, but don't hate your body for NORMAL reactions. 

I teach nonviolence to domestic abusers. I know they can change.  And I know that it takes time, serious therapy, accountability and not just words.  I think the partner of an abuser has every right to take time to heal and be aware as well.  And abusers are great manipulators. They can spin something around so you think you are the crazy one and minimizing, denying and blame are sometimes the hardest tools of abuse to overcome. 

It is not smart to FORGIVE AND FORGET when there has been abuse in the picture.  Your body's alertness could save your life someday.  Don't second-guess your gut. DO what you need to make yourself safe and if you were over-reacting, oh well, at least no one got hurt. 

A truly recovering abuser who wants to work on his stuff will recognize that he needs to give you time and be very patient with your automatic responses that HIS BEHAVIOR trained you to do.  This time it takes you to feel safe and comfortable is not YOUR fault.  It is a CONSEQUENCE of his behavior.  He must encourage you to take the time you need. 

Hope this is helpful.

[Love Is Not Enough]

One relapse of abusive behavior (which will happen) will retrain your body in these NORMAL (sometimes called PTSD) reactions and you will need 6 months to a year with no abusive behaviors to go back to calm.   

That is really interesting. I am definitely dealing with some PTSD after my partner physically attacked me one time. I had so much adrenaline that I thought I was going to pass out.

My anxiety and flight response has improved a great deal as my confidence in myself and the use of the tools has increased. We have also not had any major fights in almost 6 months now. I am also having almost no response to when I feel her start to dysregulate now. The only exception to this is if it is because of something I did and I feel that it is genuinely my fault. Even then it is very mild and I have been successful in self soothing to reduce it quickly.

I am curios though to see what happens if we have a major blowout again. I am afraid I will not be able to escape because of too much adrenaline. I was very worn down then and I am feeling much stronger now that I am sleeping better. So hopefully I don't collapse next time. I also feel I could handle the situation much better next time in controlling myself to not exacerbate things anymore than necessary.

Just keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for how he chooses to reacts to things. Even if it is a legitimate mistake that you made. Use the tools, apologize and move on. Leave him be and let him figure out how to cope with his feelings. If this means you need to take a time out then do it. Be confident and be strong. Good luck and I hope things continue to improve 

[an0ught]

Hi Bee Girl

My question is this: how do I overcome the automatic response (wariness to outright trembling) that gets triggered when I sense trouble, even when it’s a “false alarm”? Is it possible to undo that conditioning?

this is tough to deal with  . It takes time for your body or mind to adjust to the new normal of having less conflict. If it continues or is getting worse please do not hesitate to seek out professional advice. PTSD is in a lot of sense an illness of anxiety where natural coping mechanisms have become dysfunctional and are working against us. You can't directly fight it as that effort turns against you and often it is best to cut yourself some slack.

If you are interested to learn more check out this book review: The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook - Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D..

[Bee Girl]

Yes, PTSD for sure, and since it's from a repeated event it's probably even more difficult to heal from, not to mention the intermittent relapse scenario which may keep it alive. I understand the reason for the fight and flight, but at this point the reaction is in overdrive and keeps me from living normally. Like ziniztar mentioned, it does me no good to get trembly with anxiety when I get a text that seems "cool" and I think "uh, oh" and it's nothing. I am becoming as paranoid as he is, sometimes.

Six months is something to shoot for. I guess having a concrete idea of how long healing takes helps, even thought I know for sure it will be bumpy.

And I, too, am *almost* eager to see if my new found tools work next time thing get tense. Just knowing I have that option helps a great deal.

The important thing for me here on these boards is support, validation and the learning. That is a major part of my coping.

[an0ught]

Yes, PTSD for sure, and since it's from a repeated event it's probably even more difficult to heal from, not to mention the intermittent relapse scenario which may keep it alive. I understand the reason for the fight and flight, but at this point the reaction is in overdrive and keeps me from living normally. Like ziniztar mentioned, it does me no good to get trembly with anxiety when I get a text that seems "cool" and I think "uh, oh" and it's nothing. I am becoming as paranoid as he is, sometimes.

Six months is something to shoot for. I guess having a concrete idea of how long healing takes helps, even thought I know for sure it will be bumpy.

Giving it some time is certainly wise. If it does not get better don't push yourself too hard and seek help - the later you do it the harder it gets to get rid of. The book I pointed to you has three main parts. The first one is about learning the basics, the second one on stabilizing enough to be ready for therapy and the third one is on navigating therapy options. You may benefit already now from the second part which is about self care when dealing with PTSD.

[Bee Girl]

I'll get a copy of that book. I have good health insurance, too, so there's no reason why I shouldn't jump in and get more help. I think, if I'm being honest, that I'm a bit afraid and ashamed of being in and staying in this situation. It feels hard to defend the choice to stick it out (for now), even to myself.

thank you.

[an0ught]

I think, if I'm being honest, that I'm a bit afraid and ashamed of being in and staying in this situation. It feels hard to defend the choice to stick it out (for now), even to myself.

You are not the only one here  . One of the reasons we have a no-run message policy on the staying board is that this is a difficult option. Advisors from the outside will often feel to have a duty to point out that there are other options. They got a point. But so have we and it is ultimately our choice that we don't want to have questioned every day.

Keep in mind that part of you feeling afraid may be related to your overall PTSD related distress... .

[yeeter]

Hugs Bee Girl,



Think of it this way, you have reached a milestone to recognize your own reactions.  Unfortunately this usually comes at a point where your in a state far worse than you ever thought you would be.

So use this self awareness and knowledge to motivate you to make YOURSELF a priority.  By taking care of your own physical and mental health first.  Set the boundaries, develop your sense of self outside the relationship, keep up with your friendships and activities, and eat good nutrition and get exercise.  :)o this for a couple years.

I worn down over the years and landed in the hospital.  No one can ever point to the relationship stress as the reason, but for sure it was a major if not the primary contributor.  Its going to take some time for you to recover and get strong again, so put yourself on this track and work at it as a life priority.

As for your decision to stay, that is personal choice.  But I found it very helpful to really ground myself on exactly why I made that decision.  This took a couple years to resolve.  And involved filing for divorce in the process.  In hindsight, I think me filing was a wakeup call to her - that made it clear that I really did have choices.  Things seemed to improve a little after that.  And its perfectly fine to post on both boards if you want to vett out your decision making process.