Parents critical of friend, makes me think they would be critical of me.

[losingconfidence]

My parents have a history of serious homophobia. Despite covering for the woman who sexually abused me, they didn't want me to be a lesbian and were very abusive about it when I came out. Now, they continually insist that they never acted abusive - I just made all that up. It's making me absolutely sick because my addiction to self-injury and to watching violent pornography as a form of self-punishment both stemmed from their reaction to my coming out. I've been better-ish lately, but I went from never doing things like that to being actively suicidal over how things got when they found out I was gay.

So fast forward. My friend came out as transgender. I didn't want to tell my parents over the phone or by e-mail and end up getting fifty angry texts, so I decided to wait until I could see them in person. I called before I took my friend with me to see them and asked if it was alright if she joined us. They said it was okay and acted fine with it, then afterward were really angry and felt "insulted" that I hadn't told them sooner. I tried telling them that considering how they treated me over being gay, I was afraid to tell them, but they just didn't care. It's all about them and their squick about someone not being the gender they were born. My father was using a lot of really nasty language, saying stuff like how he had a right to tell me who I should and shouldn't be friends with because he was my father and he got to put his foot down or whatever (I'm 25 and independent). He actually referred to my best friend as a "tranny" which was... . ugh. No.

Then they started this pity-us campaign where my mom was whining about how she wanted me to teach her how to use her camera in the park when she visited but the whole visit got "taken up" by my friend being trans. My mom never told me she wanted to go to the park. Then she was upset that we didn't shop together when both of them were in such bad physical shape that they couldn't handle walking in the mall. Then she was upset that we never went to any museums because I ought to have asked them to go to a museum with me. They never said that was what they wanted to do.

The worst part was that my dad told me essentially "the gig was up" and he knew that I brought friends along to protect me from them and I needed to stop because it was silly and I was being unreasonable by suggesting I had something to fear from them. Now, they're demanding alone-time during visits and demanding that I come visit them where they live (in another state). Considering that I now know they were actively enabling the woman who abused me from age two into whenever she can get me now, I don't feel safe going anywhere she might be and of course I can't tell them that because they'll just pretend it never happened.

My friend (the one who's trans) and I went shopping a few weeks ago and she was picking out all of these girlish clothes. I was doing the same and feeling like I wanted to die. It's weird because I think of myself as someone who loves shopping, but actually I never did until my mom really pushed the issue. I was feeling so horrible and bad and then some weird instinct in me drove me to the boys' section and I ended up getting a couple of sweatshirts from there. I felt better that way. I'm not sure that I'm like... . FTM but I don't want to be the super-effeminate pretty girl. Trying to be that has always made me feel really objectified and awful. I don't mind other people looking that way but it's so wrong on me.

I know if my mom saw that I was wearing these sweatshirts she'd be really upset with me. Even if I want a loose or baggy shirt from the girls' section she gets upset and tells me about how I have this killer body and need to show it off. Well... . my "killer body" is not as killer as my mom insists it is, and even if it was I don't feel like making it really obvious to everyone who looks at me. I've been raped a ton of times and like having the option of wearing something that doesn't draw intense sexual attention to me. In high school, I basically couldn't leave the house without makeup on and without a nice enough outfit on. If I dressed too casually, my mom would ask me if I was planning on getting dressed before I went out, implying that I was wearing pajamas and my clothes weren't fit for an outing. I don't think that a person deciding "I don't want to be super sexy today" is wrong. I don't owe it to the world to be a hot girl or a girl at all.

It's weird because I've bought some new clothes but I keep thinking it doesn't matter, I'll just wear an old shirt when my mom comes to visit so she doesn't get mad about the hoodies. My trans friend feels that this is a problem - that if I am literally wearing a completely different set of clothes around my parents than I would around anyone else. I end up saying I don't effing care. I don't care. I get that who I am isn't okay with them, I get it, and I'm not trying to change it anymore because it's pointless. I'm fine.

I feel like all of my options are horrible.

1. Keep playing along with them. Go home for Christmas and risk getting raped again, not remembering it due to dissociation, and being set back in processing that stuff again. Even if nothing happens, I'll spend the whole weekend worrying about if/when I'll get raped and my parents will get mad at me for seeming stressed out.

2. Try to go halfway, being honest sometimes and lying other times. Eventually get roped into coming home for Christmas, get tired of the fighting, and have the same result as I get in option 1.

3. Cut them off and have it end with them deciding that I was the problem all along. Have to deal emotionally with them absolutely hating me. I'm scared of how much pain I'm going to be in when I leave and how much I'll hate myself.

My friend thinks the reason I keep still feeling guilty is because I'm trying to change how I think while still hanging around people who require my old way of thinking. It's probably true.

[Sitara]

Your friend sounds smart, and since your friend probably knows you better than the rest of us here on the forums, I'd put more weight on their opinion.

FOG is a hard one to get over, but it does get better once you can manage that a little better.

Based off the options you listed, does that mean you feel you can't have a relationship with them by using boundaries?

You're an adult now and you get to decide how you want to live your life. I wouldn't recommend doing anything that puts you in a place of vulnerability (whether around people who are likely to assault you physically or emotionally).

Do what is best for you, whatever you decide that may be.