For those who think they love you...

[once removed]

is it confusing you with regard to your relationship, or in general?

[steelwork]

Both.

[Insom]

Bumping this up.

What do you think?  How would you describe the love you experienced with your ex?  If you said "I love you" to him or her, what did you mean?

 

 

[Mutt]

Hi Insom,

Thanks for bumping this up  

How would you describe the love you experienced with your ex?  If you said "I love you" to him or her, what did you mean?

The love that I experienced in the beginning was attention with her idealization - I loved the attention that she gave to me that says that there’s something wrong when you like being out on a pedestal. It’s not good to be wanted to be split white all of the time are you objectifying the other person because you have this need.

The other thing that I felt like she placated  was my loneliness I parented myself since I was fifteen years old and I didn’t rely on anime Jesse but myself because I didn’t tryst other people I felt like I was going to get abandoned all over again my biological mom abandoned me, my adoptive died when I was 8 that’s a form of abandonment and my dad kicked me out of the house when I just turned 15.

It’s like what 2010 said i fell into a pattern i didn’t have guidance in my life I shut myself of from most people and became self absorbed I didn’t process the trauma in my childhood it was definitely repressed again like 2010 said those were feelings were buried that resurfaced when I met a pwBPD.

I have anxiety and depression I was angry when I was younger I recall one say that anger turned i ward becomes depression. My exuBPDw also placated my anxiety I felt like I wasn’t as depressed but I was depressed it got worse later on as things more chaotic in the r/s but I liked all of these things about it felt like she was a part of me that was missing. There was a safety there at the beginning I felt like she was the few that could reach me behind the walls that I had put up and it soothes that inner child that was abandoned.

What did I mean I said I love her? At the time I thought that I had my soulmate she was only in the current city I live in for a few months and she left I didn’t chase her while she was here but after she left she left me a notebook that said that she loved and that we would write our experience together on our journey I thought that she was amazing so I thought that this is the person that’s in my life that I’m probably meant to marry. There’s was definitely a fantasy played out there what we define as true love in pop culture.

I think of love in an entirely different context today then I did then because I value myself and take care of myself a lot more now and that makes me happier I don’t need someone else to make me happy although it is nice to share myself with my gf and like BPDspell i don’t seem that external validation and love to measure my value as a person there was time before and when I met my pwBPD.

The other thing is like 2010 said I was seeking knowledge about myself I still do I don’t think I’ll ever stop that but. I didnt  have boundaries back it’s like expected someone else to know what I needed and trusted them completely that their actions won’t hurt me and I think that also came from low self esteem the low self worth. I can still seek knowledge about myself with boundaries.

[once removed]

I suggest that we approach it by asking: what is love?

i agree. this is a good place to start.

Do some reading of the classics in philosophy and spirituality and you'll begin to see how shallow and unconvincing a pwBPD's "love" is in light their ACTIONS. A big part of our closure lies in fully accepting that the relationship we hoped for was never even a possibility with a pwBPD, and that isn't our fault.

one such classic says: "love keeps no record of wrongs".

i dont think that our closure lies in keeping record of, or overemphasizing the wrongs. i tried, and struggled hard in spite of it. i think that if my ultimate conclusion had been "she never loved me", i would have continued to struggle.

for every wrong on my exes end, there were many rights; many loving actions that i can cherish today.

for every right on my end, there were many wrongs.

Whenever your pwBPD (or suspected pwBPD) declares their love for you (which is usually often and prematurely), kindly ask them some questions about love.

my ex used to ask me those questions; ask why i loved her, in tender moments. i never had very good answers, and the first that came to mind was always "because you love me".

children in adult bodies.

if people with BPD are children (theyre not), if you have children, try asking them why they love you.

"because you are a good mommy/daddy"

"because you are a special mommy/daddy"

"because you are a funny mommy/daddy"

"because you make me rice krispies in the morning"

"because you love me"

these are immature, but sincere expressions (words) of love. we dont discount them because they come from a child. we dont ask ourselves what actions they have committed that disprove these words.

But as we learn at our peril, most pwBPD people never face themselves honestly and would rather have a string of disposable partner objects which they can use as emotional garbage dumps for offloading their projections. This is not what love is.

i agree. we should aspire to greater love. we should ask ourselves what love is. we should ask ourselves if, and why we love others. we should separate our fantasies and projections from the other person who, in the process we fail to see as an autonomous and loveable human being.

at a later point after this experience, we should ask ourselves if we fell short in our ideals about love, how our ideals of love have changed or grown, whether they will evolve going forward.

Nor is it becoming enmeshed in a mentally ill person's fantasy of idealized love.

now thats the crux, aint it? how do we become enmeshed in someone elses fantasy of idealized love, without having one ourselves?

[Harlygirl]

Wow ... .and thanks Once ... .  Love as a fantasy bond ... .Definitely thought provoking ... and clarifying ! ... .and probably true ... .in different capacities  ... .for many of us ... .