Child of Mother with uBPD

[lostwoman87]

I can't even begin to say how relieved I am to have found this forum. I am an adult child (age 27) of a mother with un-diagnosed BPD. I am currently living at home and am in my last semester of my Masters' program. Also living at home are my dad and my sister who is 4 years younger than me.

About 6 months-1 year ago, I stumbled upon a description of BPD on the internet and it resonated very strongly for me and my experiences with my mother. I looked into it more and even bought a couple of books about it and the more I read, the more clear it became that my mother had BPD.

The last 6 months have become nearly unbearable and she has secluded herself from the rest of us. In the past she has been more like the description of The Waif (acting like the victim, self-victimizing); however, she has changed into the Witch. She moved her personal items into the basement of the house and informed us that she no longer wanted to be part of the family. Even though that's what she said she didn't really follow through with it. She would not be part of our family for a few days and then start joining in. She began flying into intense rages more and more and would sometimes throw things or break things. She would tell other people that I was cursing her out or hit her (things I never actually did). Her perception of events is impossibly skewed.

I have been struggling on a daily basis with a mixture of emotions (anger, hurt, sadness, helplessness, etc). My sister, dad, and I have been on medication for issues related to stress (anxiety, heart burn, stomach issues, heart issues) for the past few months since her major decline.

Admittedly, I stumbled upon this site a few months ago but never registered as I was uncomfortable sharing my story. However, I have since discussed the possibility that my mother has BPD with my sister and father. They both wholeheartedly agreed with me (my dad a little more reluctant at first). Since then I have spoken with others outside of my family and it has become easier to share. After the events of this past weekend, I felt compelled to reach out to this forum.

This past Saturday, my mom tried to pick a fight with my father. When he wouldn't rise to her taunts she threw a cup of soda at him. He left to cool off which further enraged her. Ultimately, she took her rage out on me. She tried to pick a fight with me and blocked me from being able to leave my room. After asking her to leave numerous times, I finally told her to get out. At that, she physically assaulted me. I never struck back but I did block her blows with my arm. I was hit repeatedly in the chest/neck and my arms. My sister ran to help me and attempted to pull her off of me. Ultimately, I was able to call 911 and the police arrived. My mother was taken in handcuffs to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation. She refuses to have contact with any of us (which I can understand on a logical level). Since this event, I have been an emotional mess. I go from feeling intense anger and hatred to depression to helplessness to anxious to numb. It's almost cyclical. I guess I am just feeling really lost and having a really hard time processing the events and the emotions associated with it.

Sorry for the crazy long post.

[peaceplease]

lostwoman87,


     I am glad that you found us here, and I hope you can find comfort in learning there are tools that can help you with your relationship with your mom. 

I know that you are all hurting now.  I am sorry for the emtoinal pain that you are feeling. The blessing in all of this is that your mom is safe and receiving help.  Once, she is stabilized on meds, she may be receptive to help. 



Here is some suggested reading material:  Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse

There is much material covered in the above link.  Hopefully, this will aid in your healing. 

Please keep in tocuh.  We are here for you!

peaceplease

[maxsterling]

Wow.  lostwoman87 

I'm almost at a loss for words here - I'm just so terribly sorry you had to go through that scary ordeal.  On the positive, at least you are now safe away from her, and at least she has been taken for an evaluation.  Is this her first experience with a psychologist?  I'm curious if she has seen psychiatrists for other issues like depression before.  What other incidents can you tell us about from childhood?

I'm hoping your father, your sister, and yourself all seek counseling.  It's helped me.  I want to assure you that the feelings you have right now are perfectly normal - I've lived them myself after being physically attacked by my BPDgf.  This is a great website that's helped me understand the emotions my GF is going through, but the raw emotions are sometimes still there.  Please stick around and share-this is a great place to vent and ask questions.

[CrazyNoMore]

Hi lostwoman87, 

First, and foremost - you are a survivor.  And you have my respect and admiration for having the courage to call 911 when you were in imminent danger.  I can't imagine how hard (and heartbreaking) it must have been to do, but you did the right thing! 

As awful as this is, there are some positives.

1.  She's seeing a medical professional.

2.  Your sister and father see the problem as well. (Many folks have family members who will flat out deny there's anything wrong, or blame you for her behavior.)

3.  Your sister came to your defense. (This is HUGE!)

4.  Not to sound flip, but she's out of your hair for a few days -- you can have some peace and quiet to think and plan.   Or just some peace and quiet, maybe.

Thinking about it, your approaching graduation may be setting her off.  Milestones tend to be hard for BPD parents because they're an indication that you're growing and becoming your own person.  It's the fear of abandonment -- that if you're no longer living at home, you've abandoned them. 

The fact that she's starting to act out and physically attack you and your family is a game-changer.  It's not about "dealing" or "coping" with her anymore, it's about staying safe. (Because you know what?  If you described this behavior as coming from a boyfriend, any sane person would be telling you to get the hell out of there.)

Do you have access to your own vehicle?  Is there a safe place away from home where you can store important documents and belongings?  Do you have a person in your life who will let you crash with them when necessary?  It's probably time to get your ducks in a row so that you can get a place of your own after you graduate (or as soon as possible thereafter).  I don't know if I can describe it well, but when I got my own place, something kind of "switched" in my head regarding what I would and would not tolerate anymore.

You are stronger than you realize.  Let us know how you're doing.

[red_caterpillar]

Hi all,

I was reading this post and the last post about milestones in your life make sense. I am 26 years old and I believe that my mother has BPD and now that I think about at almost every milestone that I have had she has had some sort of melt down or have been fight with someone. It might not have always been me but someone. When I left home at 18 and still in high school my mother got in my face and threaten to hit me. It was scary but I just got out as quickly as I could. I can imagine the range of emotions that you are feeling. But glad that your mother is getting help! I wish that my mother would realize that she has a problem get help. I hope you find peace and healing this site has helped me so far just by knowing that I am not the only one out there dealing with this.

[lostwoman87]

Thank you all for your replies.

I have been staying very busy with my graduate program and haven't had a change to reply. My mother was released from the hospital the Friday following what my dad, sister, and I have been calling "the incident". Her sister came from out of state to pick her up. My mother packed up her a lot of her cloths and then they left (my dad, sister, and myself were not home during this). She has since moved in with her mother in W.V. She has not contacted my sister or myself, but she has spoken with my father (not very civilly on her end). She has stated that she will not be moving back home and she wants a divorce or legal separation from my father. She also stated that she is holding me responsible for all that has happened. She claims that I was the one hitting her and going crazy (she claims I threatened to kill her.). According to her, my sister wasn't even present until I called 911. She is either that disconnected from reality or she is outright lying. In this same conversation about not wanting to be a part of our family, she later expressed that she was hurt that no one contacted her on Easter and she hopes that'll change for Mothers' Day   Before all of this even happened with "the incident", I was trying to be as non-contact as possible while still living under the same roof. Now that she isn't here I have decided to be NC. The things she has said to my father during her infrequent calls to him are completely uncharacteristic of her. She is not seeing a psychiatrist currently now that she is in WV. She is supposed to, but supposedly they are short-staffed and can't get her in. My mother has also cancelled the appointment with the one she was seeing here prior to the incident because according to her, he is in cahoots with us.

I'm almost at a loss for words here - I'm just so terribly sorry you had to go through that scary ordeal.  On the positive, at least you are now safe away from her, and at least she has been taken for an evaluation.  Is this her first experience with a psychologist?  I'm curious if she has seen psychiatrists for other issues like depression before.  What other incidents can you tell us about from childhood?

My mother has been seeing a psychiatrist for the past couple of years for depression and more recently depression. However, he really only prescribes medication and then recommends psychologists or therapists. My mother was seeing a counselor prior to my grandfather's illness/death; however, she was unhappy with her (wouldn't say why) and stopped. She has since refused to see a therapist. She has supposedly been on medication for depression/anxiety but she began hiding her pill case (no one was keeping track of her meds) out of paranoia. Ultimately, she is very unwell.


Her perceptions of events from my childhood ave very different from mine. There were a few incidents where she became physical. One particular incident stands out in my mind. When I was in 8th grade, she knocked on my door and I wouldn't let her in because I was changing into my pajamas. She accused me of lying and secretly playing games on the computer (my computer was turned off). She unlocked the door and started yelling at me. Ultimately, she knocked me down and was slapping at me. My dad heard the commotion and came down to my room. My mom played the innocent and accused me of slapping her. My dad believed her. He was in denial for the longest time about any issues with my mom up until the past 6-12 months. Other times, she would fly into a rage and smack a cabinet or something else and once she kicked a wooden doll cradle and broke her own toe.

When my sister and I were younger, my father worked the midnight shift and didn't see us very much during the week. He would try to spend as much time with us as he could when he could. So, he would exempt us from cleaning our room that day so we could go somewhere with him or play a game. My mom would come home from work, shopping, or wherever and she would be livid. She would lecture my dad in front of us. I remember my mom talking down to my dad in front of us and then bad-mouthing him to my sister and I a lot. My sister and I used to have a more negative opinion of my dad. As we've gotten older and have allowed our mom less influence over us, we have both realized that she was turning us against him so that we were closer to her. We've realized that the things my mother has said about my dad were not true. My sister and I are now much closer to our dad.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, lostwoman87.

I just wanted to add my 

I'm so sorry for what you've been through with your mother recently. That must be really hard. All of the feelings you are having--depression, anger, anxiety, numbness--sound like pretty normal responses to the situation you've been in. Have you ever considered talking with a therapist of your own? I found counseling really helpful in processing everything.

I think it is pretty typical for someone with BPD to perceive, interpret, and remember events differently than other people do--especially if they were in a state of emotional arousal at the time. She may really believe her version. My mother remembers traumatic events in my childhood much differently than I do, too.

I am glad you are taking steps to look after yourself, lostwoman87. I hope you will continue reading and posting.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[lostwoman87]

Have you ever considered talking with a therapist of your own?

I have been seeing a psychologist for approximately the past 4 years. I started seeing her for ADHD coaching and depression (stemming from having diagnosed ADHD for so long and it really affecting me in undergrad). The past year or so, I have been seeing her for issues revolving around my mother. With my therapist, I have been learning strategies to disengage from my mother when she is being reactive, take things less personally, and build personal boundaries. I had begun seeing my therapist more frequently a month or so before the incident and am still doing so. She has helped me a tremendous amount and I am thankful for the support.

[P.F.Change]

Good for you.  It is great you are able to reach out for help and are getting good professional support right now. Those sound like good tools you are learning. We have some workshops on those skills here, too. You can check out the LESSONS on the top of this board, or I can point you to some if you're interested. When you have a chance, you might also take a look at the Survivor's Guide in the right-hand margin. It can provide some helpful benchmarks as we move through the stages of recovery: Remembering, Mourning, and Healing.

Glad you've joined us!