I've been sprung with illegal literature

[bpbreakout]

BPDw found my copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells whilst going through some of my things looking for a video I have on Making Couples Happy of all things - she very unhappy about it - to her the fact that I have got this book means that I have "diagnosed" her - to me it means I have got very practical book on how to deal with very difficult people and whether or not BPDw is diagnosed with "borderline" is not the main game here it's how to deal with the behavior.

The wierd thing is that I sat with her in an appointment with her psychiatrist a few months ago and he quite clearly said to both of us that she has significant issues with attachment, emotional disregulation and complex PTSD which is related to her FOM - he also told us it is sometimes associated with borderline personality disorder. He has also sent both of us liteterature on borderline and asked for her feedback (not sure what that was). He is treating her for BiPolar 2 (previously diagnosed) & testing for ADHD. He believe the bilpolar meds are helping with emotional disregulation. He has also recommended a 12 month weekly DBT program (BPDw has declined the recommendation). Given all of this of course it's quite reasonable for me to buy this book and given what psychiatrist has said and done I'm not sure it really matters what I think.

I do feel for her is some ways as she says she feels labelled though on the other hand I didn't appreciate the barrage that followed me round the house after this discovery and very difficult to be empathetic. I'm really suprised how outraged and shocked she seemed to be and how much denial she is in about the diagnosis. She immediately wanted to get into a debate of whether she was borderline or not and what a crap husband I am.

Thankfully with some of the new skills I now have on board I was able to disengage on this issue and told her if she wanted to get into a debate on a diagnosis she needs to do it with a professional not me.

We are six months or so into this "diagnosis" and seems to me if she can't accept it then nothing will change and I should be considering my options on our marriage. On the other hand I'm glad I got the book and on this site as without them I would not have been able to disengage from a stupid argument on "diagnosis". Not sure where to from here though as I think BPDw now at a watershed in her life where she either coninues in denial or seriously does something about her issues.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tired-of-it-all]

You don't have to apologize for having a book.  You don't have to explain yourself to her.  :)on't give her power over you.  Her anger, denial, and hurt are a part of her game.  :)on't play.  In her game of tug-of-war, drop the rope.  Read your book whenever you want.  You don't have to do it in an antagonistic way but you don't have to hide it either.  As you get better and stop allowing her to control you, she will, at first, get worse.  It is threatening to her.  Eventually as you quit playing her game, she will stop.  She will still be BPD but she will stop many of the mind games.

[an0ught]

Hi bpbreakout,

this must have been quite a shock that she found the book. It is great that you were able to avoid engaging with her on this topic  Also less drama she can coax out of you the more she feels the weight of her own issues. It is really her job to fix herself.

I would not worry too much over the diagnose. Attachment issues, emotional regulation issues and complex PTSD is close to BPD. In combination with BP2 and ADHD this is getting about as close to BPD as it gets. That set may be better from whatever POV in his eyes than a straight BPD diagnosis but as long as he knows she has to learn to overcome b&w, emotional coping and communication skills and recommends DBT who cares.

What causes her to be afraid of DBT?

[bpbreakout]

Thanks for your response. I totally agree the diagnosis is not really the main issue or at least not to me. There is something not right and there are a lot of ways of improvinmg things.

Interesting question as to what BPDw is afraid of and I'm not sure myself. On the face of it the reason is that she has too many other things going on in her life doesn't have time and it "wasn't to be". I haven't challenged her on this in the last six months but I don't buy it either. She hates the idea of being stigmatised (don't blame her with this) but I think she is mostly self stigmatising and attributing these feelings to other people. She has always had a much bigger issue with any mental health diagnosois than I have. The only other thing I can say is that she has a long history of avoiding this kind of therapy but is happy to take medication. She is someone who has a huge emotional investment in other people being the problem (ie marriage problems, teenage daughter, FOM issues) becomes very very angry if challenged on this and will literally run away or block her ears so yes I'm sure there is a quite deep seated fear at the bottom of that though I'm not sure I understand it. I get a real sense that her equilibrium / sense of self is at stake on this one I would sat it's possibly a fear of anihalation or losing her mind in some way. One thing I have noticed recently is that she is also seems very fearful of losing control or not being able to have things the way she wants them. Whatever it is it's very strong. I have no doubt she would get an enormous amount from DBT starting with a very large dose of empathy for what she has been through in her life. When she is in regular therapy our marriage and familiy life is always much much better. I don't think I can force her hand on this issue but on the other hand I don't beleive I can stay in the relationship unless she is getting regular outside help to "centre" her feelings. When I end up having to do this (ie talking through the issues in her life) I end up taking reponsibility for it so the outside help really has to be there.

[bruceli]

Hi bpbreakout,

this must have been quite a shock that she found the book. It is great that you were able to avoid engaging with her on this topic  Also less drama she can coax out of you the more she feels the weight of her own issues. It is really her job to fix herself.

I would not worry too much over the diagnose. Attachment issues, emotional regulation issues and complex PTSD is close to BPD. In combination with BP2 and ADHD this is getting about as close to BPD as it gets. That set may be better from whatever POV in his eyes than a straight BPD diagnosis but as long as he knows she has to learn to overcome b&w, emotional coping and communication skills and recommends DBT who cares.

What causes her to be afraid of DBT?

My guess is most likely already knowing that it is associated with BPD as a form of treatment.

[Grey Kitty]

My advice is keep on putting one foot in front of the other, work on yourself, work on tools and lessons here... . and just defuse/avoid the issue about the BPD diagnosis going forward.

That and give your wife at least two extra doses of validation every day! It has to be incredibly hard to live in her mind right now!

In the *hopeful* department... . my wife (to my non-qualified eye) met the criteria for BPD when I first joined this website. She soon found the description/name (not from me), and has always been non-cooperative and resentful about that label. I just avoid the topic of BPD with her and have for quite a while.

Now she occasionally talks of the time that I "thought she had BPD", but it isn't a big deal.

She never did get formal DBT or other treatment specific to BPD, but she did achieve what seems like a complete recovery from it.

Unfortunately she has hit a very serious depression recently, but she's now getting treatment for it. More importantly, when she used to get depressed, she would go into full-blown BPD-land and dysregulate all over me. This time, she never blamed me for what she was feeling. Amazing progress here.

I just wanted to say that it is possible to recover from BPD without ever acknowledging that you have it!