A sad ending to 14 months of an emotional roller coaster ride

[rodman8]

I need all of your kind advice and help on this one!

It has been over 4 months since I last posted on here.  I have struggled for over a year with the same woman, and you can find my posts about her if you would like to get some of the backstory.  I believe it was titled "My Long Distance BPD" or something to that effect.  Our romantic phase lasted four months from February 2013-June 2013, and it was 330 mile difference between us.  In early October of last year, we were supposed to get together in Iowa and hang out for three days.  She cancelled the day before mentioning that she "did not want to jeopardize things with her new BF, and thought it was best if the trip be off."  She exclaimed that "if we no longer had a friendship because of this, she would understand."  This devastated me, as I was still madly in love with her, and went into another depression of sorts.  After two months of NC, I hit her up via facebook and tried to make amends with her.  She complied and within a few days we were texting each other like old times.  After a couple weeks, we had our first phone conversation in quite some time.  In that conversation, she expressed to me how sad she was during the time we were not speaking, and apologized for cutting me out of her life.  She also exclaimed that the reasons for our break up were in great part due to distance, and that her new BF was much closer at two hours away.  Apparently, he is a genuinely nice, and very laid back kind of guy.  She told me that we are both amazing men, but the fact that he is so "chill" works for her and believes that is why they have lasted.  I am not going to lie that I was very jealous of him, although I tried not to express this to her too much.  So, let me be perfectly clear that we are friends only at this point. 

To make a long story shorter, we agreed to get together in mid-January and have a reunion of sorts. We did get together, and had a terrific three days with one another, and I was a perfect gentleman.  However, there was a horrible decision I made which may turn out to haunt me for a long time.  I lent her $3,000 to help her pay off her car.  Yea, I did that.  I do not have a lot of money, but saved up over $10,000 in my savings.  I work as a bartender, so I do alright, but nothing special.  The worst part is, she never asked me or even hinted to me that she needed the money.  All that was going to happen was we were going to go to the place where she purchased the car and make a payment on it so she could get her title for it.  She lost the title some time back.  It is worth noting that the guy who sold her the vehicle was the guy she dated right before me.  She told me for months that she was taking out part of her 401K early to put some money away and was planning on putting a big chunk of it towards the vehicle.  So, what do I do?  In a moment of complete craziness, I decide to offer to pay off the vehicle for her.  That way, she would not have to deal with the ex anymore (who she said she blocked from her phone due to him calling her over and over and causing problems between her and her new BF).  She turned me down, but thanked me for the offer.  Well, the day before my trip to go see her, she asked me if the offer was still available.  I told her it was, and the agreement was that she pay me $1500 back right away when the 401K money comes in, and then pay me $150 per month thereafter until it was paid off in full.  I was also giving her a break on the monthly payment, as she was paying $200 per month to the dealership.  When we sat down to talk my second day of the trip, she looked me in the eye and apologized for the hurt she caused me in the past and vowed to pay me back every single dime of the money.  The moment I left her place to head back to Chicago, we gave each other a big long hug.  She started to tear up and texted me while I was on the road what a great time she had, what an amazing friend I have been to her, and how thankful she is to have me in her life.  I echoed the same thing.  (I am tearing up right now thinking about it) 

For the next couple weeks, we were in pretty close contact, and things felt relatively normal.  However, it hit me not too long after I got back from the trip what a bad decision this was.  I spoke to her on the phone about my concerns and  anxiety with lending that much money to her.  I told her I do not want to be a friend she feels obligated to talk to just because I lent her money.  I also was afraid that if anything happened with her finances, that she may avoid speaking to me out of fear or shame.  In any case, she told me I had nothing to worry about, and I would get back every dime.  She also told me that she may be moving in with her new boyfriend because she was offered a job working as a coffee barista about ten minutes from his place.  Well, on February 12th she texted me that her check came in and she would be sending the check out to me ASAP.  She told me we should talk on the phone on Valentine's Day, and I agreed.  On Valentine's Day, I called and texted, and even sent her an e-card that was never picked up by her.  She did not respond that day.  I left her alone and decided to let her come to me.  Eleven days later, still no message or check in the mail.  I left her a couple innocent texts just asking if she is ok, and if the check had indeed been sent out.  No response.  I find out a couple days later that she came out to see her family in Indiana (we are from the same home town) and never even told me.  That is relevant because she had said that next time she comes out she is going to come see me and we would ride into Indiana together.  Well, she did not.  Now, I am starting to wonder what the hell is going on.  Finally, on March 4th she tells me that she is sorry for not responding and has my money all set to go to me, but needs my apartment number.  I give it to her, and the check still does not arrive.  I give it another week, and this time I call her and leave her a firm yet fair voice mail.  Still nothing back for her.  I wait another week, and text her a very firm message asking her what the heck is going on and such.  Nothing back.  On April 1st, I text her "Got the check!  Thank you so much."  Ten minutes later, I text "April Fools "  Just thought I would add a little sarcastic humor to lighten the mood.  Still no response.  So, I decide to message her an ultimatum of sorts to her facebook.   But before I could do it, guess what?  She blocked me from her page.  Yea, that's right.  That is the thanks I get for helping her out.  She blocks me from her facebook page.  "No good deed goes unpunished, huh?"  Think about the paradox of that for a moment.  I would have been better off giving her $500 and telling her it is a gift rather than letting her borrow $3,000.  Unbelievable.  Welcome folks to the ever changing shifts in attitudes of a woman with BPD. 

So, I have never meant someone who made more empty promises, more lies, more deceit, etc than this woman.  And yet, she could be so sweet and caring (or at least was a terrific actress) and so much fun.  It is so sad.  I have been told by a police officer friend of mine that I have enough evidence through the text messages to either sue her, or have her arrested.  I am so tired of her always having the upper hand over me, and always playing these BS games that always tear me apart inside.  She has manipulated me, used me, and played me like a grand piano.  This is the worst form of insult to injury.  I have been cut out of her life again, and I am down $3,000 on top of it.  I wont allow her to get away with this abuse this time.  Not going to happen.  I would greatly appreciate any advice, ideas, etc from you all.  I would also greatly appreciate anyone who is recovering from BPD to chime in on what is going on in her mind on this issue just to help me process this whole fiasco.  Once again, I thank you all for letting me share with you this long, heart wrenching story that appears to be coming to an end one way or another.

[AwakenedOne]

rodman8,

I'm sorry your going through this. I been there... . with the lies... .

I read your old posts. Seems like you are a good decent guy. Maybe it's time to not put up with her cr*p anymore at all period. She's got 3 kids with 3 dads with no custody of any of them and you cant trust anything she says really right? I don't know what your looking for with her though aside from the money issue.

I need all of your kind advice and help on this one!

If it was me in your situation and I could afford the loss, I'd just forget it. Not seeing her face in court and going through all that. I'd consider it a lesson and a confirmation that she is a liar and time to move on with NC. If she texted me or calls me I'd ignore her, even if it's a "I'll send you some money soon text". I wouldn't play her little game of waiting for the money talk. NC for life. Let her enjoy her actions and she can stew on it all and either have remorse for it or not in life.

If you can't afford to lose the money. I guess maybe small claims court.

The real advice I will give is never trust her again and go on with life without her.

I understand your feelings, hang in there bro. Good Luck.


AO

[bpdspell]

Rodman,

Wow. What a roller coaster ride! All I can write is that you have every right to be angry, pissed and hurt that this woman chose to use you as her own personal ATM. But the red flags were there all along. You were blinded by your desperate need to be loved, accepted and pulled in by the opportunity to "win" her and she played on this by emotionally Triangulation you with the new boyfriend. Even though she never outright asked for the money something tells me that she eluded that doing her that "favor" would bring her closer to you. In essence at the time perhaps you were trying to "buy" her love or prove to her that you could be a "good boyfriend"…that you could be better than the ex and her current beau.

My story is different from yours but this emotional Triangulation is something that I experienced as well with my BPDexbf. When we broke up he told me it was because I didn't give him the money he needed when he asked for it. He told me narratives of other women willing to do for him what I wasn't willing to do and he often subliminally guilted me out of cash and favors all in attempts to see how much I could back my "love" with material things. He brought up the ex all the time and what she would "buy" for him. And because I wanted to win him as a prize I gave…even when I didn't have it. The "competition" is how he set me up and I wanted to have a leg up on the others.  Even when all my internal signals were ringing like a four alarm fire. I was in the midst of "Triangulation competition" and I wanted to prove that I could be the better girlfriend.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder are emotional children and often have an "entitlement" mentality that love means being taken care of by any means at the expense of others. They are blind to the needs of others. They are on the constant look out for parent replacements and nurturing compassionate types because they know that we are caring people who are willing to give often at our own expense.

Unfortunately her texting lies and ignoring you are a part of her shame. I believe the hidden expectation and silent agreement is that you'd forget about the money and let it go. I wouldn't say that she intentionally scammed you but more than likely expected you to simply let her have $3,000 dollars as a gift. In her mind she was upfront about having a man and you still chose to give to her even though you weren't together. In her borderline child mind if you "loved her" then you wouldn't keep badgering her with repayment texts. I know you guys made an "agreement" but in her borderline mind it was a gift all along.

I know you feel ripped off and used but holding on to the thought of that money will not bring her back to you or make her own up to her accountability. She may never repay you and although this will burn it is a powerful lesson learned for you.

Read all you can about BPD and take the loss. Read the testimony's of others. I gave my ex thousands and it still wasn't enough. He wanted a car, a motorcycle, money for his marijuana & cigarette habit, food, sex, attention, to be babied and the entire time I received very little reciprocity. By the time it was over I was parasitically drained. I never got a red cent of my money back and while I felt played I have now learned to respect myself, have boundaries, and have learned the powerful lesson of paying attention to behavior and not words.

Keep reading and keep posting.

Spell

[WalrusGumboot]

rodman, this is an expensive lesson for you, and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

The moment you lend money to somebody, the nature of the relationship changes. I have gotten burned before more than once. That is why when somebody is in need and asks to "borrow" money, I treat it as a gift and to not expect it back (but keep this part to myself). That way if they flake out, there is no resentment. It works.

[seeking balance]

The moment you lend money to somebody, the nature of the relationship changes. I have gotten burned before more than once. That is why when somebody is in need and asks to "borrow" money, I treat it as a gift and to not expect it back (but keep this part to myself). That way if they flake out, there is no resentment. It works.

DITTO - learned it the hard way.

Rodman - I do hope you stick around and work through your grief and look into how you ended up in this situation.  You seem like a good guy deserving of being treated much better than you allowed yourself to be.

Hang in there,

SB

[rodman8]

BPDSPELL, you are so right on the money on this one.  And all the rest of you who responded, thank you kindly.  As I said, I should have just given her $500 and told her to keep it.  This is the absolute last thing I wanted to happen.  It is crazy how the emotional weight you feel will cause you to do such stupid things.  You are right about all of it.  I was trying to show her once and for all that I am someone she can rely upon; that I "had her back."  I wanted to make a grand gesture so she would never cut me out of her life again.  It was not so much about getting her back as a girlfriend as much as it was keeping us solid for all time.  I feel so pathetic and used.  I complicated things so much with the money and I knew better.  I really did.  Why did I do this?  I am really hurting thinking about it again.  One last question though?  Why did she block me from facebook?  The answer seems obvious, but something tells me her disorder complicates the reason.  Any thoughts?

[momtara]

Try not to be angry with yourself for giving her the money.  This is mental illness.  It knows no rhyme or reason.  Also, she may not have been manipulating you - she may have been sincere in what she was saying, at that moment - then later, she's someone else. 

Nothing wrong with you being in love.  We do silly things when we're in love.

I would forget about the money too.  Don't go after it just out of anger.  But if you really need it, you can gently tell her you care about her, but you need the money back, otherwise you have to go to small claims court, and you don't want to do that.  If you don't hear back, tell her that if she gives you $1500 you'll call it even, maybe?  I don't know.

I don't think she is trying to hurt you, but she probably spent all the dough and just finds it easier to drop you than to pay it back. 

But she does have a mental illness.  No sense trying to figure it out.

Sounds like you are a good person.  She is lucky you are/were in her life, even for a short time.  Deep down, she knows that.

[rodman8]

MOMTARA, you are totally right.  She probably did intend to pay it back at the time, but things can change very quickly.  Honestly, if I could just get in touch with her it would make all the difference because I could express these concerns.  Unfortuanately, she is NOT allowing any contact.  I would be willing to come to an agreement and compromise a good chunk of it.  If she would just allow contact.  This whole thing stinks to high heaven.  It so easily could have been avoided.

[arielleis]

Nothing wrong with you being in love.  We do silly things when we're in love.

Well, here is my share of the story... . You can laugh... .

I had already detached from mine. BUT made the mistake of keeping in touch. One day I told her I was going to go to Miami for a couple days and she says "Too bad money, prevents us from being together". Her cheap ___ didn't want to pay for a plane ticket (however she was fine spending $6K on plastic surgery).

I told her "Yes... . too bad indeed". A couple weeks go by, she writes me out of the blue that she was getting married (I found out that down the road it was ALL BS).

And I go "how come you are getting married if 2 weeks ago you were telling me that I was "the man of your life?"

She goes "you said you didn't want me and I wanted to move on with my life"

ENTERS ME, the idiot, the "WHITE CRAP KNIGHT" who believed that crap... . and what did I do? YES! YOU GUESSED IT! I invited her to come to Miami as I REALLY believed she was still in love with me.

That holiday was a PURE DISASTER, she was the biggest pain in my butt. We were there for a week. I told her we were done. She continued to say I was the man of her life for 2 weeks. THEN she texts me to let me know she has a new BF, she is happy with him and starts flaunting him everywhere. I never wrote back or even got in touch. I got charmed 2 months down the road but ignored.

Have I not found this site, I would have had my mind race at 400mph. THANK GOD I found out about BPD, she checks every single box.

So know I am able to laugh about it.

Oh by the way, she would give me a silent treatment whenever I would refuse to pay for her

I am now able to laugh at it. It no longer affects me.

Stay strong buddy, and keep reading. You'll see... . They will move from someone you idealize to someone you see as a parody of themselves.

[bpdspell]

Oh by the way, she would give me a silent treatment whenever I would refuse to pay for her

They will move from someone you idealize to someone you see as a parody of themselves.

Yes. My ex did the same type of emotional bullying. It's narcissistic entitlement at it's finest.  

I feel so pathetic and used.  

You aren't pathetic. Your ex's actions are a reflection of her. You did something kind based on what you believed was the right thing to do at the time. You made a mistake using poor judgement but beating yourself up about it will only harm your esteem even more. We have the tendency to make our mistakes and our sense of worth one and the same and it's something you should be aware of. Forgive yourself. Look in the mirror and forgive yourself. Fake it till you make it if you have to and accept what happened as a part of life experience.

Why did I do this? I am really hurting thinking about it again. One last question though?  Why did she block me from facebook?  The answer seems obvious, but something tells me her disorder complicates the reason.  Any thoughts?

She probably blocked you because more than likely she's ashamed of breaking the agreement you both made.  People avoid people all the time when money is owed; mentally ill or not. She knows she didn't hold up her end of the bargain and I'm sure she's felt a tremendous amount of guilt.

Why you gave her three grand doesn't matter; it's done. When we're in love we aren't always the smartest or of the right mind to make the most healthiest of decisions. No one's perfect. I'm certain that your hurt is less about the money and more about the fact that she did exactly what you were trying to avoid happening: being abandoned and neglected.

Keep posting, reading and sharing.

Spell

[arielleis]

Oh by the way, she would give me a silent treatment whenever I would refuse to pay for her

They will move from someone you idealize to someone you see as a parody of themselves.

Yes. My ex did the same type of emotional bullying. It's narcissistic entitlement at it's finest. 

I feel so pathetic and used.  

You aren't pathetic. Yyur ex's actions are a reflection of her. You did something kind based on what you believed was the right thing to do at the time. You made a mistake using poor judgement but beating yourself up about it will only harm your esteem even more. We have the tendency to make our mistakes and our sense of worth one and the same and it's something you should be aware of. Forgive yourself. Look in the mirror and forgive yourself. Fake it till you make it if you have to and accept what happened as a part of life experience.

Why did I do this? I am really hurting thinking about it again. One last question though?  Why did she block me from facebook?  The answer seems obvious, but something tells me her disorder complicates the reason.  Any thoughts?

She probably blocked you because more than likely she's ashamed of breaking the agreement you both made.  People avoid people all the time when money is owed; disordered or not. She knows she didn't hold up her end of the bargain and I'm sure she's felt a tremendous amount of guilt.

Why you gave her three grand doesn't matter; it's done. When we're in love we aren't always the smartest or of the right mind to make the most healthiest of decisions. No one's perfect. I'm certain that your hurt is less about the money and more about the fact that she did exactly what you were trying to avoid happening: being abandoned and neglected.

Keep posting, reading and sharing.

Spell

Absolutely true. Don't beat yourself up. Like someone said to me "don't try to look at a distorted relationship from a healthy lens" You would end up beating yourself up. These are apples and oranges. That's why we call it crazymaking behavior. Because NOTHING makes sense. As normal people we know that 1 + 1=2... . But not in their mind. In their mind 1 + 1 = Ostridge... . So we go crazy trying to understand why it equals Ostridge and not 2... .

I am taking it a bit far but you get the point

[rodman8]

Hey arielleis, this woman does not live in Iowa does she?  Ha.  It feels like we are talking about the same woman.  But seriously, I am sorry to hear that.  I wish I could get to the pint where you are with laughing about the whole thing.  I have dated a couple other women with BPD as well, and were around them much more than this one.  However, this one really, really got to me.  I think it was a combination of how beautiful she was to me, and how totally and madly "into me" she was the first three months.  The whole last year has been spent trying to get her back almost to revalidate myself again.  Boy, does it sting.

BPDSPELL, you are exactly right.  You have terrific insight.  The gesture was subconciously done to avoid being abandoned and neglected from her again.  The inner shame and hurt feelings are substantial.

[arielleis]

I need all of your kind advice and help on this one!

My dear friend, lastly I don't if this is of any help for you but allow me to share one last thing. If you think they will change, believe me, you are wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I had two BPDs in my life (but only found out about BPD with my last gf.

The first one drove me completely insane. I was discarded from one day to another and didn't see it come, and completely got sucked into her effin mind games. TURNS out that I met my replacement when they were no longer together. Guess what he told me... . " This girl is completely insane"

And I couldn't help but grin at myself as I remembered myself being miserable in my room, crying my heart out thinking they were having THE time of their life.

I  don't know if that's of any comfort to you. All I can say is the good ol' "You dodged a bullet" and it only cost you 3K... . God know how much it will cost to her next guy... . or WORST, the man she marries... .

[rodman8]

Any you know what, my man?  That is one of the things that bothers me the most.  Because we are so far apart from one another (6 hours distance), there is nobody that I know who knows this person well.  Not a friend, a relative, or an ex boyfriend.  I truly think if I knew even one person that I could share stories with, it would help so much.

[arielleis]

Any you know what, my man?  That is one of the things that bothers me the most.  Because we are so far apart from one another (6 hours distance), there is nobody that I know who knows this person well.  Not a friend, a relative, or an ex boyfriend.  I truly think if I knew even one person that I could share stories with, it would help so much.

I am 3,000 miles (8 hour flight... . I am in NY she is Lisbon... . (I am portuguese... . )

In all seriousness... . Believe me, it will always be the same. I never had friends in common with her. But one day at a party... . We recognized each other and automatically started chatting. It was odd but awesome, somehow.

[rodman8]

Thank you for the article, arielleis  I will read it!

[AwakenedOne]

ENTERS ME, the idiot, the "WHITE CRAP KNIGHT" who believed that crap... .

arielleis,

I was a knight too. I hope you enjoy my story.


The Story Of The W.C.K.

Played By

The Queen - My Ex

The W.C.K. - Myself

Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away... .

   

    My ex (The Queen) knighted me to serve as a W.C.K. for her. The Queen had higher expectations of a knight than the services that I provided as a knight to her it turned out. I wasn't cutting it when it comes down to my knighted-ness and more or less my W.C.K. ways in general. My knight services were no longer valued and I was informed to vacate the castle. As I walked away and got up on my trusted horse and rode off into the distance with only one coin and the clothes on my back I thought to myself that the queen reminds me a lot of my horses excrement. I found both to be as one. I lived happily ever after. The end.

AO

[arielleis]

ENTERS ME, the idiot, the "WHITE CRAP KNIGHT" who believed that crap... .

arielleis,

I was a knight too. I hope you enjoy my story.


The Story Of The W.C.K.

Played By

The Queen - My Ex

The W.C.K. - Myself

Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away... .

   

    My ex (The Queen) knighted me to serve as a W.C.K. for her. The Queen had higher expectations of a knight than the services that I provided as a knight to her it turned out. I wasn't cutting it when it comes down to my knighted-ness and more or less my W.C.K. ways in general. My knight services were no longer valued and I was informed to vacate the castle. As I walked away and got up on my trusted horse and rode off into the distance with only one coin and the clothes on my back I thought to myself that the queen reminds me a lot of my horses excrement. I found both to be as one. I lived happily ever after. The end.

AO

Love your story. For the anecdote one day, towards the end she says "I want a man that treats me like a princess". I answered... . "I may be the wrong guy then. I want us to be a team. Not a Princess vs. Peasant"... . She DID NOT like the response hahahaha.

[Ziggiddy]

  rodman

I really  really feel for you in the jumble of stuff you are coming up against. It feels like you are searching for answers - a line of reasoning that you can believe and comprehend that will give you some peace.

You appear to be coming up against the same thought patterns and wanting to change them then suddenly a memory or another thought or pang hits you and you are in pain and grief and incomprehension all over again.

I have to recommend one little thing that might help you. That is the 15 minutes of peace. This is where you allot a time where for 15 minutes every day you push your thoughts of her away. Your senses and emotions are possibly too raw to be able to take a breath and feel what you need to feel in order to process what you are going through in a healthy 'holding' way.  You are, I suspect deep in grief and vacillating between denial and sadness. Part of you can't really believe it's over while another part of you is outraged at the way you were taken advantage of. Your brain is probably trying to jam these two oxymorons together and just coming out bewildered and ambivalent.

I wonder how much courage you have to start looking away from your BPD's behaviour and start looking toward your own response?

Are you at a stage where you are able to accept the part your own actions and feelings have played in contributing to the r/ship? I haven't read all your posts but I do get this much so far:

  In early October of last year, we were supposed to get together in Iowa and hang out for three days.  She cancelled the day before mentioning that she "did not want to jeopardize things with her new BF, and thought it was best if the trip be off."

She also exclaimed that the reasons for our break up were in great part due to distance, and that her new BF was much closer at two hours away.  Apparently, he is a genuinely nice, and very laid back kind of guy.  She told me that we are both amazing men, but the fact that he is so "chill" works for her and believes that is why they have lasted. 

Did you read this as you might be a threat to her new r/ship therefore you must still mean something to her? If so, was it realistic or more wishful thinking in light of the fact that she cancelled at such short notice? (seems selfish to me)

If she is telling you how much better he is for her, why would you want to still pursue her? This is incredibly demeaning "It's working much better with this guy because he is so much more chill than you" ? Dude! Can you see that if your self respect were where it should be - you seem like a terrific guy - then you would have responded quite differently. What's the payoff in winning against the other chosen guy?

To the right here ----> there's a little blurb on self inquiry. Quote "it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and stand a little aside from them."

You are so close to your vision of her that I have to ask what is your vision of you?

Breakups are hell- granted. But BPD breakups are off the scale. Are you able to stand alittle back and see what you have already accomplished? To ask yourself what you would like to achieve for yourself? What part of you is fulfilled by being the White Knight? We all of us humans have a builtin desire to help others but we rationally limit it to those who would appreciate the help but someone you've only dated for 4 months? Regardless how close you were or how much she told you she loved you. This is more than about her. it's about something back way longer than a few months or a year. She twanged your chord for a reason. I'm interested to know if your soul searching has come to a satisfying answer to that?

Meanwhile, here's wishing you 15 minutes of peace   

[rosannadanna]

Hello rodaman8,

This is tough b/c she manipulated the money out of you through Triangulation, so you are probably feeling more duped than if it was just a straightforward "hard luck" story that pulled on your heartstrings.  But no matter the circumstances, you got duped and I am sorry.

I had to post b/c something very similar happened to me and I wanted to tell you the outcome.

I was new to single parent dating (internet) dating, fresh out of a divorce.  This was the first guy I dated after my divorce.  I was a dating newbie for sure.  I dated him for about 3 months and looking back, I think he had BPD traits, just based on his background and he was a little weird in his presentation.

So shortly before we broke up, I lent him 3,000.00 to help him purchase a car.  Then I broke with him, so it became kind of awkward about the repayment of the money.  But I am a single mother and 3,000.00 is a lot of money.  I dogged him, calling him and coming to his work when he stopped taking my calls.  Then he got fired, and I wasn't going to drive 30 minutes to his house b/c I didn't know if he would be there or not.

So I took him to small claims court.  I didn't know his exact address, so I hired a PI and for 50 bucks, he got his address.  I got a copy of my cancelled check made out to him, he got served, and I went to court.  On the morning of court, he called me and asked me to drop it and he would pay me when he had the money, but he was broke and looking for a job.  I said no.  At this point, I knew b/c he didn't show up  the judge would rule in my favor.  I figured even if I didn't get the money, his owing me money would prevent him from being approved for credit cards, car loans, and housing leases/ loans for seven years.  I thought it was important that he have a consequence for his bad behavior.

Imaging my shock when in November of this year, I got a check from the court for the amount owed, plus interest!  I had totally forgotten about it: it had been ten years and I just went on with my life.  Very weird.  I know for you there is more emotion wrapped up in this situation than in my experience, but I wanted to share b/c I think it is important to know that you can do things to move you towards empowerment and detachment.

Take care and good luck on your journey.