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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.
Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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What do BPD's value in their partner?
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bungenstein
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What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
on:
April 11, 2014, 08:03:54 AM »
I hope this doesn't come across as vain, this is just my BPD experience, and trust me it wasn't fulfilling at all. I've been told my whole life I'm a very good looking guy, my exBPD jumped from the guy she was seeing for the last 5 months, to me, as soon an as she met me, (but they weren't in a relationship), he was there at the time she started trying to seduce me. The next day she asked me on a date, I said only if its over with him, she ended it, he messaged me to say she had ended it and warned me of her problems, which I foolishly ignored.
We were quickly into a very intense relationship, without any honeymoon period really, it started intense with all the usual BPD problems rising up immediately, public rages within the first 2 weeks, (the previous guy said he never experienced these rages, I wonder why?), and just got more intense until the end when I couldn't take it anymore. She claimed she fell in love with me at first sight, but I now know it wasn't real love.
She is a very pretty girl but everything she talked about was very superficial, about what she looked like, what I looked like, and what we looked like together. She would endlessly compliment me on how I looked, but never anything else, even in periods I was split to black, she would say the most disgusting things to me, but could say anything bad about my looks. I felt like an object she liked showing off the entire relationship, whoever we were with, she changed the conversation to about what I looked like, whilst it was very nice to doted on like this for 14 months, it we as also embarrassing and left me feeling empty that that was all it seemed to be about, she never really cared or got my passions and interests.
Eventually I tricked her into getting her out of my house, she then tried very hard to get back with me for the next month, until she deliberately tried to crash a night out with my friends, and she text me that she was with them. I then asked her to go away and leave me alone, and I went somewhere else, after that incident I have been painted the blackest of the black, and she did the usual going on the rebound, shoving it down my throat, lots of abuse, etc.
The question I'm asking is, do BPD's value looks more than anything, to boost their self worth, and the only reason she didn't leave me was because she didn't find anyone she considered better looking, ie more value, but as soon as she did, I bet she would have.
Another thing I should mention, her mirroring was in that she always tried to look the same as me, she would make sure we were wearing the same colours, she would use fake tan so our complexion was the same, she even thought about dyeing her hair a bit darker so that we would have exactly the same hair colour, we did already look pretty similar, people either used to asked if were married, or if we were brother and sister, maybe she saw in me, superficially, a male version of her, and that gave her identity?
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mapys
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #1 on:
April 11, 2014, 08:27:51 AM »
Who knows... .
I don't think it is particular looks. It is more of a self-worth issue. They feel unworthy and they should affirm to the whole world that they are the best. It is a show-off of some sort. And often they think that a "good man" will show a world, how worthy they are. It can be looks, it can be wealth, it can be education, job title - anything that is "above average" (more towards - high-end). It is like showing-off with Lamborghini when you are living at your mom's - or some similar analogy. If I think about it - it is in human nature more or less - but with them it is very pronounced.
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restoredsight
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #2 on:
April 11, 2014, 08:51:07 AM »
I've never seen anything indicating that physical attraction means much more to them to anyone else. If anything, I've seen a great number of people who feel as if their partner may have been out of their league. Many are surprised that their ex "traded down" afterwards. It's up to the individual, but is much more about how well they can fuse with you rather than how hot you are.
From what I understand, they are attracted to our false selves, that "us" that we project into the world. If you have some stronger narcissistic traits, the borderline will reflect that and that's why NPD and BPD "get along" so well, as the borderline practically worships the partner, which is very attractive to a narcissist, which in turn makes the pwBPD feel valued. If anything, physical attractiveness may trigger abandonment fears.
They give you what they identify as what you need.
They don't even see us. They have a couple of cardboard cutouts that they replace us with, one perfect, one horrid. The mirroring is done to everyone, and it's not conscious. If you were to follow their changes from before and after you, you may be very surprised to see how vary different a person they could be. They try on lifestyles like coats.
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #3 on:
April 11, 2014, 09:17:11 AM »
The abandonment fears were rife right from the word go, she even split me black briefly on the very day that I met her. She would threaten to break up with me all the time, saying she couldn't take the way she felt, she didn't want to feel this way, and would rather be with someone she didn't care about because she could handle and wouldn't behave in this way. Everytime it ended in me trying to leave, with her throwing herself infront of the door in tears begging me not to.
She used to say she was too in love with me, and I was too good looking, she constantly asked her friends if they thought I was better looking than her, to which I've never thought. If I were not joined at her hip she would be worried, non stop. She has chased me around houses, towns, trains, festivals, weddings, when ever she gets the slightest incling I may have looked at or talked to any semi attractive girl.
But every comparison to anything whether it would be about me or her to us both or anyone else was about what we or they looked like.
She has now downgraded in my opinion, I asked if she fell in love with him at first sight like she did with me, she said no, she liked that he was obsessed with her.
I don't think I've ever been narcissistic, she has called me a narcissist when we totally broke up, but if anything I have lots of insecurities just as she does.
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expos
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #4 on:
April 11, 2014, 11:06:53 AM »
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 08:03:54 AM
I hope this doesn't come across as vain, this is just my BPD experience, and trust me it wasn't fulfilling at all. I've been told my whole life I'm a very good looking guy
No problems with that. More power to you. It will help you score more beautiful women, but now you will have the tools to ward off bad women like the one you were involved with.
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 08:03:54 AM
The question I'm asking is, do BPD's value looks more than anything, to boost their self worth, and the only reason she didn't leave me was because she didn't find anyone she considered better looking, ie more value, but as soon as she did, I bet she would have.
It sounds like she was a Narcissist/BPD. In that case, she puts a huge emphasis on her looks in order to be fulfilled in her life. BPD's can be enthralled with a lot of different things to make them feel complete and look special to the outside world. It could be looks, wealth, having kids, a combination of things. NONE OF WHICH WILL make her happy.
In her case, YES, she will dump you if she perceives someone to be better looking than you. You are an object, not a person. She is a user. This is how they operate.
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 08:03:54 AM
a male version of her, and that gave her identity?
Because she is so empty inside, she mirrors people to feel whole. When you do not live up to the ridiculous standards she has set for you, that's when you get abused. She is projecting her lack of worth on you.
She could never be on her own more than a week tops, and when she is, she HATES herself. That's why she wasted no time dumping a guy for you, and dumping you for someone else. Your personality, or in this case, your looks have become hers. She is not healthy, nor is she a good person at all.
Man, it's amazing how these people are all the same.
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #5 on:
April 11, 2014, 11:33:10 AM »
Quote from: expos on April 11, 2014, 11:06:53 AM
Because she is so empty inside, she mirrors people to feel whole. When you do not live up to the ridiculous standards she has set for you, that's when you get abused. She is projecting her lack of worth on you.
She could never be on her own more than a week tops, and when she is, she HATES herself. That's why she wasted no time dumping a guy for you, and dumping you for someone else. Your personality, or in this case, your looks have become hers. She is not healthy, nor is she a good person at all.
Man, it's amazing how these people are all the same.
She didn't dump me, I dumped her by tricking her into believing we were being thrown out of our house, but we weren't, I stayed in the house and she knows I made the story up now. She tried to get back with me for a month, then tried to crash a night out, and I told her to leave me alone, that is when she totally split and started abusing me. Interestingly enough, the rebound, is a very tall guy, she always thought I was insecure about my height because I don't like heels, so I'm thinking that may be the reasoning behind it, but lookswise he is way below her league, as were her ex's, she said I was the first say traditionally good looking person shes gone for, which makes her narcissistic behaviour and focus on 'our' looks even more bizarre
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #6 on:
April 11, 2014, 11:46:59 AM »
His height was the main thing she kept ramming down my throat, she used him to try and hurt me until I'd blocked all avenues of communication. Other than that, he has no money, can't drive, does a lot of drugs, and looks much younger than her, and is ginger, (no offence meant for any gingers out there but she stated on numerous occasion how she would be mortified to have ginger babies!
) I come from a wealthy family and have my own business. I'm trying to work this out because it doesn't make any sense, the only thing I can think is she wanted the tallest person she could find purely to make me feel inferior.
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lemon flower
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #7 on:
April 11, 2014, 12:15:15 PM »
looks are important for most persons in this society... . we're living in a narcissist world where "selfies" became normal and plastic surgeries a must-do (at least in some parts of the world) and social media as well as televisions have always been focussing on looks and appearance, so if "normal" people allready became so influenced by these superficial standards than how could BPD's not be influenced... .
in their search for rolemodels they copy this behaviour they see everywhere around them, and ofcourse to the extreme
also I think they are so obsessed by looks and body-related issues because:
- they have huge problems to percieve things like moral values, empatic qualities and other "inner" qualities in other people because they don't know these things in theirselves so automatically they will focus on what they can see and recognise
- they do not see us in an objective way, most of the time they see us in an unrealistic "disturbed" way, either much more beautiful, or ugly as hell
(again: this is a psychological behaviour that also plays in the heads of "normal" persons, but much more extreme in the heads of BPD's)
- they have the same disturbed way to look at their own bodies either, my bP-friend could say the strangest things , like:" I can still grow if I really want" (he's 31... . ) or: " maybe I will have my legs operated so that I can be as tall as you" , and sadly enough he truly believes these things... .
we should always keep in mind that these people are mentally disturbed, they do not see the world the way we do !
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expos
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #8 on:
April 11, 2014, 12:21:36 PM »
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 11:46:59 AM
His height was the main thing she kept ramming down my throat, she used him to try and hurt me until I'd blocked all avenues of communication. Other than that, he has no money, can't drive, does a lot of drugs, and looks much younger than her, and is ginger, (no offence meant for any gingers out there but she stated on numerous occasion how she would be mortified to have ginger babies!
) I come from a wealthy family and have my own business. I'm trying to work this out because it doesn't make any sense, the only thing I can think is she wanted the tallest person she could find purely to make me feel inferior.
My ex got with a with guy who was not even in the same looks compared to me. And like you, I was completely shocked when I saw a few photos of them together.
But it doesn't MATTER to them.
You will find that they will get with ANYONE to fill that void.
They might cycle through a few people. Some who are ugly, some who are rich, some who are strange, some who have problems. But the common theme is CONTROL. IF they cannot control you, they leave and find someone else to love bomb, control, abuse, and discard.
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blissful_camper
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #9 on:
April 11, 2014, 12:48:28 PM »
I think my ex had strong NPD traits. He worked hard to cultivate his public image. In his professional life he's hard working, and volunteers conveying the image of a caring and compassionate person. An entirely different person emerges behind closed doors.
My ex didn't compliment me directly during the r/s. He did that behind my back bragging to others about my accomplishments. I felt like a vanity plate. That's how I was of value to him.
His ex wife was chosen because she was the prettiest woman in town who was single. It had nothing to do with who she was as a person. It was about appearances and how she would make him look.
His current gf serves the same purpose. She is half his age and cute. It feeds his ego and makes him feel worthy. Who she is as a person doesn't matter to him.
He can't be alone and his partners are in his life for two reasons: feeding his ego, and sustaining his public image.
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seeking balance
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #10 on:
April 11, 2014, 01:22:29 PM »
I think pwBPD value the illusion of safety and stability. Having an unstable sense of self, the mirroring effect can settle them and be a drug to us.
Core Values - living ours workshop comes from boundaries -
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
I suppose a deeper question could be:
What did you value in your pwBPD?
What does that say about you?
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
bungenstein
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Posts: 252
Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #11 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:10:01 PM »
Quote from: triss on April 11, 2014, 12:15:15 PM
looks are important for most persons in this society... . we're living in a narcissist world where "selfies" became normal and plastic surgeries a must-do (at least in some parts of the world) and social media as well as televisions have always been focussing on looks and appearance, so if "normal" people allready became so influenced by these superficial standards than how could BPD's not be influenced... .
in their search for rolemodels they copy this behaviour they see everywhere around them, and ofcourse to the extreme
also I think they are so obsessed by looks and body-related issues because:
- they have huge problems to percieve things like moral values, empatic qualities and other "inner" qualities in other people because they don't know these things in theirselves so automatically they will focus on what they can see and recognise
- they do not see us in an objective way, most of the time they see us in an unrealistic "disturbed" way, either much more beautiful, or ugly as hell
(again: this is a psychological behaviour that also plays in the heads of "normal" persons, but much more extreme in the heads of BPD's)
- they have the same disturbed way to look at their own bodies either, my bP-friend could say the strangest things , like:" I can still grow if I really want" (he's 31... . ) or: " maybe I will have my legs operated so that I can be as tall as you" , and sadly enough he truly believes these things... .
we should always keep in mind that these people are mentally disturbed, they do not see the world the way we do !
Thanks triss that was brilliant and made a lot of sense
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #12 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:15:29 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 01:22:29 PM
I think pwBPD value the illusion of safety and stability. Having an unstable sense of self, the mirroring effect can settle them and be a drug to us.
Core Values - living ours workshop comes from boundaries -
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
I suppose a deeper question could be:
What did you value in your pwBPD?
What does that say about you?
I valued her "love" and affection, I valued all the effort she made and all the things she did for me, I valued the way she made me feel about myself and her "devotion", and I valued the physical "intimacy", not just sex, and yes I valued her looks aswell. But all these values degraded overtime, until because of her behaviour her physical beauty changed and she actually looked ugly to me, my brain would sometimes go into survival mode and I would be become extremely anxious around her and just want to get away from her, I actually began to dread having to see her.
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Tincup
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #13 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:17:52 PM »
SB-My ex said she was attracted to me at first because I was "safe" and could "balance" her... . So I do think they are looking at someone to make they feel safe.
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #14 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:30:43 PM »
Quote from: Tincup on April 11, 2014, 02:17:52 PM
SB-My ex said she was attracted to me at first because I was "safe" and could "balance" her... . So I do think they are looking at someone to make they feel safe.
Ha well mine was the opposite, my ex said she never felt safe around me, was constantly putting on an overly conifident front only for it to fail and she'd become very scared and nervous, which led to aggression. She needed constant reassurance and never stable at any point the relationship
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Tincup
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #15 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:34:52 PM »
bungenstein-Don't get me wrong, mine was the same was as well. She would also say she didn't feel safe around me. I don't think she does around anyone and that is the point. She sought me out because in her mind (and she said this to me as well) if she couldn't make it work with me than she will never make any relationship work.
I don't think they ever feel safe or balanced (in my case that is what I was for... . )
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blissful_camper
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #16 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:43:33 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 01:22:29 PM
I suppose a deeper question could be:
What did you value in your pwBPD?
What does that say about you?
That's a great question. What I valued then and now differ. Out of the relationship, I value that he has a wicked sense of humor, he's intelligent, and has a strong work ethic. A few qualities that I valued during the relationship came and went like a light being switched on and off. They included having a moral compass (which was either fully there, flexible, or absent), compassion, and healthy communication.
What does that say about me? I'm not sure how to answer that question. A few of the things I've been looking at are what I thought he would bring to the table during our involvement. Where that's leading me to are the things that I need to foster and nurture within myself.
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blissful_camper
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #17 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:46:39 PM »
Excerpt
SB-My ex said she was attracted to me at first because I was "safe" and could "balance" her... . So I do think they are looking at someone to make they feel safe.
I agree. My ex said that I made him feel grounded (which could translate into stable). He said he had hoped my "healthy" would rub off on him.
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #18 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:54:25 PM »
Quote from: blissful_camper on April 11, 2014, 02:46:39 PM
Excerpt
SB-My ex said she was attracted to me at first because I was "safe" and could "balance" her... . So I do think they are looking at someone to make they feel safe.
I agree. My ex said that I made him feel grounded (which could translate into stable). He said he had hoped my "healthy" would rub off on him.
Interesting, my ex said I actually amplified her instability and insecurity, she always said she'd rather be with someone who made her feel stable. She said she was more relaxed when I wasn't around, and would get extremely nervous during sex, she claims only with me. She must have seen values she wanted for herself, mirrored me and was completely uncomfortable with them at the same time
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myself
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #19 on:
April 11, 2014, 02:57:13 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 01:22:29 PM
I think pwBPD value the illusion of safety and stability.
Very often making sure they end up with the opposite.
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seeking balance
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #20 on:
April 11, 2014, 03:12:25 PM »
Quote from: myself on April 11, 2014, 02:57:13 PM
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 01:22:29 PM
I think pwBPD value the illusion of safety and stability.
Very often making sure they end up with the opposite.
Keyword is
"illusion"
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
seeking balance
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #21 on:
April 11, 2014, 03:16:25 PM »
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 02:15:29 PM
I valued her "love" and affection, I valued all the effort she made and all the things she did for me, I valued the way she made me feel about myself and her "devotion", and I valued the physical "intimacy", not just sex, and yes I valued her looks aswell. But all these values degraded overtime, until because of her behaviour her physical beauty changed and she actually looked ugly to me, my brain would sometimes go into survival mode and I would be become extremely anxious around her and just want to get away from her, I actually began to dread having to see her.
So, perhaps it wasn't value as much as her attention gave you an illusion of a more loved or lovable self too?
We get into these relationships for a reason, understanding our own motivation is how we do not repeat this cycle.
Reading article 1 -
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
Reminds me of this part, what about you?
Love: The Clinger Phase
Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.
It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code
.
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myself
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #22 on:
April 11, 2014, 03:30:11 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 03:12:25 PM
Quote from: myself on April 11, 2014, 02:57:13 PM
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 01:22:29 PM
I think pwBPD value the illusion of safety and stability.
Very often making sure they end up with the opposite.
Keyword is
"illusion"
Definitely. She craved/demanded safety and peace, yet was very reckless as a partner. In the end, I could no longer support her in that reality, because she kept changing the rules, pulling the rug out from under the relationship, and scapegoating me as the perpetrator. The less safe and stable it was for me to be in the r/s, the closer I got to bailing out. I couldn't hold onto my own illusions anymore.
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bungenstein
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #23 on:
April 11, 2014, 03:52:19 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 03:16:25 PM
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 02:15:29 PM
I valued her "love" and affection, I valued all the effort she made and all the things she did for me, I valued the way she made me feel about myself and her "devotion", and I valued the physical "intimacy", not just sex, and yes I valued her looks aswell. But all these values degraded overtime, until because of her behaviour her physical beauty changed and she actually looked ugly to me, my brain would sometimes go into survival mode and I would be become extremely anxious around her and just want to get away from her, I actually began to dread having to see her.
So, perhaps it wasn't value as much as her attention gave you an illusion of a more loved or lovable self too?
We get into these relationships for a reason, understanding our own motivation is how we do not repeat this cycle.
Reading article 1 -
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
Reminds me of this part, what about you?
Love: The Clinger Phase
Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.
It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code
.
Its strange, I never have really felt unlovable, but I rarely actually like a girl, I've been quite happy staying single and not settling, but I liked her, and maybe it was because of her courtship, but its rare I actually like anybody, I have often felt like maybe I have some kind of disorder aswell because I hardly ever feel attracted to people, everyone I have been involved with have had a lot of crazy traits, I lose interest in normal stable people I think, I don't know, but everyone seems to think I should have had loads of girlfriends, but I havent.
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seeking balance
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #24 on:
April 11, 2014, 04:02:31 PM »
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 03:52:19 PM
I have often felt like maybe I have some kind of disorder aswell because I hardly ever feel attracted to people, everyone I have been involved with have had a lot of crazy traits, I lose interest in normal stable people I think, I don't know, but everyone seems to think I should have had loads of girlfriends, but I havent.
Here is your money answer/question... . we attach to that which is familiar. Dr. Dan Seigel talks about attachment styles - fewer than 55% of all people have what is considered a healthy/secure attachment.
The 4 styles are: Secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganized
Do you happen to have a T?
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
bungenstein
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Posts: 252
Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #25 on:
April 11, 2014, 04:16:55 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on April 11, 2014, 04:02:31 PM
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 03:52:19 PM
I have often felt like maybe I have some kind of disorder aswell because I hardly ever feel attracted to people, everyone I have been involved with have had a lot of crazy traits, I lose interest in normal stable people I think, I don't know, but everyone seems to think I should have had loads of girlfriends, but I havent.
Here is your money answer/question... . we attach to that which is familiar. Dr. Dan Seigel talks about attachment styles - fewer than 55% of all people have what is considered a healthy/secure attachment.
The 4 styles are: Secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganized
Do you happen to have a T?
No I don't, I was thinking of seeking therapy after these recent breakup, as it was by far the most intense and most difficult one so far.
But its like they seem to find me, they seek me out, my first girlfriend had definite BPD traits. My second girlfriend frequently had panic attacks and didn't know who anyone was. The girl I saw after that was reallye on and off and eventually told me she had an incurable disease, and thats all I heard. The girl I dated briefly after that seemed to have BPD traits freaking out that I was going to hurt her after one night together. And now the big one recently, was a full blown BPD hurricane force of a relationship. All I know was I attracted to them and found them very pretty.
Interestingly one of my favourite films is Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and I was very attracted to Penelope Cruz's character, who I found out recently is supposed to have BPD.
I have never been interested in bedding lots of women and always thought of mysehlf as a hopeless romantic that just cant find it. My friends I'm weird because they say I could bed lots of women, and wonder why I dont.
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lemon flower
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #26 on:
April 11, 2014, 04:56:21 PM »
Quote from: bungenstein on April 11, 2014, 04:16:55 PM
No I don't, I was thinking of seeking therapy after these recent breakup, as it was by far the most intense and most difficult one so far.
But its like they seem to find me, they seek me out, my first girlfriend had definite BPD traits. My second girlfriend frequently had panic attacks and didn't know who anyone was. The girl I saw after that was reallye on and off and eventually told me she had an incurable disease, and thats all I heard. The girl I dated briefly after that seemed to have BPD traits freaking out that I was going to hurt her after one night together. And now the big one recently, was a full blown BPD hurricane force of a relationship. All I know was I attracted to them and found them very pretty.
oh yeah,
you will find that many people here have a history of repeatedly dealing with BPD-like partners... .
me too, if I would list up all my previous r/s, not only romantically but also the ones who were in the "friends" or "frieds-w-bfts" category, I seriously can't consider even one of them as a "normal" bf, they all were dealing with drug- or alcohol addictions and most of them had a personality disorder
apparently I needed my last "full blown" BPD-bf to find out about this disease... .
well, this was the eye-opener I needed, and I'm thankful that now I finally can start my own healing-process... .
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Billa
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #27 on:
April 15, 2014, 07:30:57 AM »
in my opinion, they only value very practical things:
point 1: useful/unuseful
point 2: abetting/not abetting
point 3: victim/ able to fight for oneself
To be valued entirely positive (but NOT ALWAYS, you know) you must score all the three first options. But, in order to be quite immediately discarded, you only need to share 2nd option #1. If you share the other two "negative" characteristics, not abetting and able to fight for yourself, then, you'll have high probability of being painted black in a very short time and with no way back.
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LongGoneEx
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Re: What do BPD's value in their partner?
«
Reply #28 on:
April 15, 2014, 04:22:38 PM »
Quote from: triss on April 11, 2014, 12:15:15 PM
also I think they are so obsessed by looks and body-related issues because:
- they have huge problems to percieve things like moral values, empatic qualities and other "inner" qualities in other people because they don't know these things in theirselves so automatically they will focus on what they can see and recognise
- they do not see us in an objective way, most of the time they see us in an unrealistic "disturbed" way, either much more beautiful, or ugly as hell
(again: this is a psychological behaviour that also plays in the heads of "normal" persons, but much more extreme in the heads of BPD's)
- they have the same disturbed way to look at their own bodies either, my bP-friend could say the strangest things , like:" I can still grow if I really want" (he's 31... . ) or: " maybe I will have my legs operated so that I can be as tall as you" , and sadly enough he truly believes these things... .
we should always keep in mind that these people are mentally disturbed, they do not see the world the way we do !
Very well put. They have no spiritual/inner life which would allow them to value themselves and others in terms of things other than, well, things.
A diagnosed pwBPD in my life frequently demanded that I say she looked younger than she was. If I didn't say it often enough, the passive aggressive punishments would be swift in coming. To my mind anyone saying the phrase "I look younger than I am" is a
.
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