Am I the crazy one? Did it mean nothing?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone! I am glad I found this place. I think my ex BF is BPD. A lot of the stories here sure sound like mine with him. It was the most dramatic, tumultuous relationship I've ever had. Everything was always my fault. If I had a different opinion than his I was against him. I was told I was too sensitive or to emotional or my feelings were crazy or unjustified. I never could do anything right. In the beginning it was magical, but that only lasted a few months, then the roller coaster began, and I'm still on it. We broke up 3 weeks ago, and still he is wreaking havoc. We were going to try and take a break at my suggestion, but I have called that off as of yesterday. I don't want the insanity. I tried to leave so many times during the last year and a half, but kept getting drug back. I'm am exhausted. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, isolating me from my friends and family. The thing is, now I'm being told by him that I'm the one who has issues. I am seeing a therapist, but I'm just so sad. Was it really all a lie. He was a master at twisting and manipulating. I just want the pain to go away, and I am now terrified of men. I pray that my demand for no contact sticks. There is so much I've gone through. AM I CRAZY? Why do I love someone who is so bad for me? I feel like such a fool... . and am sad, because I am realizing I gave him my everything, but he didn't really love me. I'm just such a fool. Does this Iever get better?

[just_confused]

Hi everyone! I am glad I found this place. I think my ex BF is BPD. A lot of the stories here sure sound like mine with him. It was the most dramatic, tumultuous relationship I've ever had. Everything was always my fault. If I had a different opinion than his I was against him. I was told I was too sensitive or to emotional or my feelings were crazy or unjustified. I never could do anything right. In the beginning it was magical, but that only lasted a few months, then the roller coaster began, and I'm still on it. We broke up 3 weeks ago, and still he is wreaking havoc. We were going to try and take a break at my suggestion, but I have called that off as of yesterday. I don't want the insanity. I tried to leave so many times during the last year and a half, but kept getting drug back. I'm am exhausted. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, isolating me from my friends and family. The thing is, now I'm being told by him that I'm the one who has issues. I am seeing a therapist, but I'm just so sad. Was it really all a lie. He was a master at twisting and manipulating. I just want the pain to go away, and I am now terrified of men. I pray that my demand for no contact sticks. There is so much I've gone through. AM I CRAZY? Why do I love someone who is so bad for me? I feel like such a fool... . and am sad, because I am realizing I gave him my everything, but he didn't really love me. I'm just such a fool. Does this Iever get better?

[Waifed]

Just Confused

It does get better but it is a slow process. You feel love for him because you are a caring, compassionate person. Your mind is very confused right now and will take time to process the constant ups and downs that you have experienced. The manipulation and abuse has made you question your own sanity. It also has likely put you in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and this makes it very difficult to understand anything right now and it also leaves you feeling crazy and like the failure of the relationship is your fault. Both of you played a role in the dysfunctional relationship so no one can solely be responsible for your doomed relationship.

Try to be easy on yourself. You have been through a very traumatic experience. Your brain will take time to heal from the damage but it will recover.  Time will help you shake out what happened and it will even help you sort out some of his likely reality about how he perceived the relationship.  Take it one day at a time right now and let yourself grieve. Accept the pain but don't let it control your life. The pain will eventually go away I promise. Try not to dwell on things as this just leads to a more depressive state. Remain positive, keep going to therapy and learn as much as you can about BPD and codependence. Hang in there. You will come out of all of this as a new and improved person

[bpdspell]

Just confused,

I am so happy you're seeing a therapist! It's cathartic to simply just have someone you can let it all out with!

I've been in your exact shoes with a borderline male. They are often super aggressive, controlling, jealous, conniving and entitled. Most hate their mothers. I personally feel they treat women the way they wish they could treat mommy dearest.

Please know that what you've experienced is called ABUSE. My ex felt entitled to my money, time, sex and all sorts of attention but gave very little back. This is when I knew that something was deeply off about him. When the arguments and rages started to increase he would blame me and tell me that I wasn't a "happy person."

It's all very manipulative as they do their damnedest to project the worst of their feelings on to you. It's all under the umbrella of their narcissism and desire to chop your tree down to make themselves feel better. And it's very hateful.

Since you're new to these boards read the articles on your left to learn all you can about BPD. It is a toxic dance that requires two to tango and this is why therapy is so vital.

Keep posting and reading the stories of others on here and know you're not alone.

Spell

[HappyNihilist]

Just confused -- it does get better. I promise. Distance and NC helps tremendously -- right now, you need to focus on YOURSELF and heal.

You have been through the wringer. These men are abusive, manipulative, and certainly capable of making you wonder if you're the crazy one. (Believe me, I did!) A r/s with a pwBPD is traumatic and leaves us devastated. Let yourself feel the pain of the r/s ending, but always keep in mind that being away from him is the BEST thing you can do for yourself!

I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist, and enforcing no contact. Go easy on yourself; forgive yourself; and use this experience as a learning opportunity.

I've been in your exact shoes with a borderline male. They are often super aggressive, controlling, jealous, conniving and entitled. Most hate their mothers. I personally feel they treat women the way they wish they could treat mommy dearest.

Yes to all of this with my exBPDbf, except for the mother-hating part. (He had definite issues with her, but outright hate wasn't one of them.)

[just_confused]

Thank you all for posting. I feel so stupid because I saw early on red flags and ignored them. I am having a hard time understanding why I want him to call, but I don't. I am afraid of him, emotionally, if that makes sense. He has actually told me that I am the one who has serious issues (yeah, now I have PTSD) and was abusive. Each time I start feeling better, he pops back up. I know it hasn't been that long. But my mind keeps reminding me I don't want my precious daughter exposed to the insanity. Just taking it one day at a time. Thank you for actually confirming for me that I was abused. I find myself questioning everything. I wish I could just shut it off sometimes. I actually wonder if I don't deserve to be treated the way I was, but I know that is just the abuse.