She's Out And Proud About My Replacement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

8 weeks out of the house after months of her living with me and all but throwing her r/s in my face, and neglecting the kids to spend time with him... .

Talked to a buddy last night. His dad is still friends with her on FB. He said that she posted something like, "My friends told me to wait a year to say this, but I can't help it... . I'm in love with XXX XXX!"

Other than the partying the past year, I didn't get the feeling she had any real enablers on her side. I know her friends well.

The dad also said that he thought the guy was weird, posting all of this religious stuff on his page, or on hers. A religious hypocrite for sure, which I saw right away. Nothing Godly about being a home wrecker, even if it was mostly her. This explains the mirroring even more of her showing up to my church, in addition to her rightly seeing that having our little kids in Sunday School is a good thing, if for nothing else than socialization. I told my buddy that I didn't want to know anything (and he was hesitant to tell me) unless he saw something odd that had to do with the kids. Not my business... . unless it has to do with the kids, and here it is questionable.

I find it amazing that her lack of empathy means that she really doesn't see how she is coming off in public in our community, even to her friends. I could say a lot to her, and she would listen to some of it (as she has, I know her well, and will always be the Father figure to her in a way), but letting her play out her dysfunction for all to see is what it is. I find it really amazing that such a seemingly high functioning and stable person on the outside is now telegraphing part of who she really is publicly. Doubtless at some point down the road, I will get blamed for not telling her the right thing to do, as I have been for other things... . it's a good thing that I no longer care.

[Turkish]

8 weeks out of the house after months of her living with me and all but throwing her r/s in my face, and neglecting the kids to spend time with him... .

Talked to a buddy last night. His dad is still friends with her on FB. He said that she posted something like, "My friends told me to wait a year to say this, but I can't help it... . I'm in love with XXX XXX!"

Other than the partying the past year, I didn't get the feeling she had any real enablers on her side. I know her friends well.

The dad also said that he thought the guy was weird, posting all of this religious stuff on his page, or on hers. A religious hypocrite for sure, which I saw right away. Nothing Godly about being a home wrecker, even if it was mostly her. This explains the mirroring even more of her showing up to my church, in addition to her rightly seeing that having our little kids in Sunday School is a good thing, if for nothing else than socialization. I told my buddy that I didn't want to know anything (and he was hesitant to tell me) unless he saw something odd that had to do with the kids. Not my business... . unless it has to do with the kids, and here it is questionable.

I find it amazing that her lack of empathy means that she really doesn't see how she is coming off in public in our community, even to her friends. I could say a lot to her, and she would listen to some of it (as she has, I know her well, and will always be the Father figure to her in a way), but letting her play out her dysfunction for all to see is what it is. I find it really amazing that such a seemingly high functioning and stable person on the outside is now telegraphing part of who she really is publicly. Doubtless at some point down the road, I will get blamed for not telling her the right thing to do, as I have been for other things... . it's a good thing that I no longer care.

[Mutt]

Talked to a buddy last night. His dad is still friends with her on FB. He said that she posted something like, "My friends told me to wait a year to say this, but I can't help it... . I'm in love with XXX XXX!"

This has to hurt alot Turk. Family, friends were relaying things about her when they saw her and replacement in public.

A part of me was really curious about what she was up to with the new guy. Is it going to work out? What does she see in this schmuck? He is half the man that I am, and she is dissolving a marriage, destroying a family for him?

I had to tell friends and family, "please don't tell me anything about ex", as a boundary. It was too raw, too painful. I realized I needed space from those two for myself to heal. Can you ask people that you know, that for now , if you hear or see anything, please don't tell me?

This guy, doesn't hold a candle to you. You have a big heart ... . strong ethics and values... . a compassionate man.

You deserve better.

I know it's hard man, really hard.

[coolioqq]

Turkish, it's DEFINITELY a good thing that you don't care anymore. I felt really good when I read that you told your friend that you only want to hear about anything that would affect the kids, and nothing else. I know it still hurts, but keep strong, dude. If there's anything we can do here to support you, be sure to let us know!

As for dysfunctional people (BPD or not) and their religious practices, I know it first hand... . I have a very deeply seated sense of faith, although I seldom go to Church. Every time I go though, I struggle finding a spot to sit due to many hypocrites hiding behind church-going as a way to show off their "faith." So, the FB posts don't surprise me. I know some FB people who are let's just say not so good people that post all these biblical quotes and excerpts from religious books and what not. Then go do the most immoral and dysfunctional things you can imagine... . To any person of faith, there is no greater blasphemy than this.

My ex used to go to church WAY more often than me, yet was (as I found out later) living a low life. I am the opposite - I have a very strong sense of morality and a deeply seated belief and value system, and I don't feel a particular need for organized religion. Although I do consider myself very in line with my particular religious denomination.

Anyway, she was going to Church to find dates. How do I know? She'd tell me she dated this guy from Church and that guy... . When we discussed religious practices in more detail (of which I know a lot, because I was brought up in Church), she had no clue. As a matter of fact, we met in part because we (or so I thought) both belong to a specific denomination. I found out later that she was switching Churches as often as guys... . Moral of the story is that, high-functioning or not (mine was HF), their mentality is so impermanent... . If they truly had deeply seated values and beliefs, would this board even exist? They'd be able to control their behaviors so as not to even cause such a high amount of emotional damage to us nons. No person of true (as in non-hypocritical, but dedicated, benign and benevolent) faith would ever be able to let themselves cause such turmoil... .

So, Turkish, I say let her play it out... . If she has any real people among her friends, they'll see it for what it is and distance themselves. To be quite honest, FB and the whole social network BS has brought out much dysfunction to the world of human relationships. It's a play-field of sorts that people used to misconstruct public identities to make themselves feel better. As such, it's a nirvana for pwBPD, a place to create some "sense" around them. More often than not, though, they fall on their face... . A romantic interest of mine from the past (who I am now pretty sure has BPD as well due to her reaction when I asked her out on a date - severely dysfunctional family... . long story) is using FB daily to publish her "homilies." I know for a fact that she is hypocritical, and is masquerading her demons... . Some people are just in a pitiful state of being; it's unsettling!

Also, is it only me or do you "smell" some idealization going on with her new beau? Her posting the "love of her life" stuff sounds a lot like what I get on my FB from time to time. Then I usually her of their breakups or divorce. People who are truly confident don't publicize their private life... . That's my $0.02.

[coolioqq]

This guy, doesn't hold a candle to you. You have a big heart ... . strong ethics and values... . a compassionate man.

You deserve better.

I know it's hard man, really hard.

I just wanted to ditto this, Turkish. Mutt said it all!

Your values and personal qualities are really apparent, man. In all the rage that you must be feeling (hey, you're a human being!), you still have a cool and healthy head on your shoulders and try your hardest to take an impartial stance! I can see you are a man of faith, and that says a lot about you as a person. When I see all of that, it hurts me what she did to you. But, man, she doesn't deserve you. You should always keep that in mind!

[Mutt]

Turkish.

You do care. You are grieving, it's OK to suffer.

This was a quote that I had found, when I was at your stage. I was going through 2010's post and found this. It hit home. I was scared of what I was feeling, but I knew in the end, I'll be OK.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

"suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life"

[myself]

"I can't help it... . "

This is what jumped out, that she's out of control.

It sounds like a game she's playing to make her actions seem legit.

Different day, same disorder. Sorry it affects you and your kids.

Maybe she is in love with him? Time will tell, and yes, that's her life to live.

it's a good thing that I no longer care.

You obviously do care, as you posted about it.

It's understandable to be hurt by this.

Important change is taking place.

What are you doing with the feelings it brings up?

She needs to take her own steps, mistakes or not.

It's no longer up to you to be there when and if she stumbles.

Letting go means looking out for yourself, so keep your focus there.

[Turkish]

"I can't help it... . "

This is what jumped out, that she's out of control.

It sounds like a game she's playing to make her actions seem legit.

Different day, same disorder. Sorry it affects you and your kids.

Maybe she is in love with him? Time will tell, and yes, that's her life to live.

Oh I have no doubt she's in love with him. She's found what she thinks is her "guru." A loaded r/s for sure, but it is what it is. Ours was loaded in a different way.

Thanks for your support everybody. Took the kids out hiking again, with their uncle this time (uBPDx's teen brother). It was great to be outdoors on our Saturday adventure. Their mom called just as I was about to go out of cell range, so I pulled over so she could talk to the kids. She told the kids that she went running in the morning, and was going out running again. She's obsessed with being in shape now. Have to be, to keep a young guy on campus. It telegraphs her insecurity about him. She always said she felt so relaxed around me and that she could be herself (as opposed to... . ?). This attachment is firing on all pistons now. I'll just sit back and watch, and hopefully shield my daughter from developing a warped view of herself by mirroring her mom's. Such a shame. Such a waste of potential.

[Dutched]

From other more experienced members advise is given regarding part of your wellbeing

8 weeks out of the house after months of her living with me and all but throwing her r/s in my face, and neglecting the kids to spend time with him... .

However, as being a father too, I specially noticed your pain and the hurt she causes towards the kids.

Indeed I experience still that same hurt for several years now regarding my S19. It got worse since she got a soother (of which she found it necessary to mail me for).

As for “protecting” him (although S is 19yrs. now) I refuse any kind of NC (although it causes me inner turmoil!).

A little explanation.

Son lives with me, 2-3 days visiting him mom. She didn’t attend to his graduation, talks at school, never paid anything (costs school/heath costs/supporting costs for his car/his allowance/clothing etc).   

As in the past, I see to it that I am around, being there, etc. for my kids (don’t see D anymore, went with mom, same behaviour…split black). So I continued to do so, special now that all felt apart, like in your case.

As you experience too, now with soother (they don’t live together) neglect is more visible.

Instead of evening talks when he is there (so spending quality time), she "whats apps" for up to 2 hrs. (can see it, as her number is not blocked and her setting are that she broadcasts “time last seen”)  S confirms that behaviour of his mom.  Hurts me like hell!  Neglecting hurts you like hell!

I mailed her and asked her questions (and answered them…), as below"

Did you ever wondered why he is so fond of family gatherings at his GF place? NO

Could it be that he misses his family in an very intense way?  Yes

Could it hurt him deeply that he is condemned to be a weekly Nomad for years now? Yes

Was it  your choice in your total uncontrollable emotional outburst to condemn him? Yes

Was it you who denied all consequences for my kids? Yes

Was it you who refused(!), years back, any professional help, for you, my family, my kids? Yes!

So, “mom”

Are you so occupied with your daily virtual love food from soother, even when he is visiting you? Yes

Can you explain why you just leave him, doesn’t spent time? No

So “mom”

Do you want to be that cold towards him?  No

Do you in fact want to show him so dearly your intense love? Yes, even more now, because of all your guild

Are you aware of your behaviour at the moment he visits you? No

Must it be me again, as in that past…, to make you think? To make you reflect your behaviours? To set boundaries?

Food for thoughts “mom”? Or deflecting with that cliché of yours: “you would not understand it!”… like in that past?

No, time for considering her feelings is no more. Reached my goal, as quality time is given, soother is placed 2nd… at least for now, as I predict to spent time for another mail again.

Anyway, in a better way that I did, using the tools, and considering your position as kids are much younger, it could be of any help to make her aware of her responsibilities.

Last.  As kids grow older, they become more an more love objects for her too. In black-white (auch…) mom stays 5, kids not… Kids outgrow her emotionally, so mom will with age frantic hold onto them by manipulating them. Seen it, had to stand up against it.   

[rodman8]

I can tell you that when my ex uBPD starting dating her new boyfriend (who I believe she still is dating all these months later), it stung like a hornet to the head.  When her and I begun our relationship, she posted it on facebook for everyone to see which was cool, but it was weird that she never put any pics of us on her profile picture or cover photo.  Yet with this guy, she put three different photos of them together, gifts he bought for her, etc.  I never understood that, as it was almost like she was hiding me from the rest of her friends.  I was literally five times more attractive (not that it matters, and I know looks are definitely not everything), but it seemed like she was hiding me for some reason.  Then again, I was six hours away from her and we only shared three weekends together total.  We spoke everyday and all, but I think it goes back to that whole compartmentalizing thing.  I was not part of her social circle, and I think the guy she dated previous to me was dumped just a week or two before we started dating.  I truly think she did not want to give the rest of her facebook friends the impression that she was some kind of crazy rebound woman.  Also, she unfriended her previous BF not too long before she posted us in a relationship together.  He could only see her profile pics and cover photos; not timeline photos, and I think she did not want him to know we were dating just in case it did not work out.  She was Triangulation the relationship, you see.  And then, she triangulated the relationship between her new BF and me.  Only, she did not hide him from her profile pic because at that point, she knew that I already knew, so there was nothing to hide.  I also think some of the crappy stuff she pulled with me was due to the fact that I was not in her circle, so there was nothing for her to be held accountable for to her circle of friends.  This is an important point.  They will be on better behavior when they are aware that others are paying attention.  Their reputations are generally very important to them, and they do not like to taint that image.

[arn131arn]

"I can't help it... . "

This is what jumped out, that she's out of control.

It sounds like a game she's playing to make her actions seem legit.

Different day, same disorder. Sorry it affects you and your kids.

Maybe she is in love with him? Time will tell, and yes, that's her life to live.

Oh I have no doubt she's in love with him. She's found what she thinks is her "guru." A loaded r/s for sure, but it is what it is. Ours was loaded in a different way.

Thanks for your support everybody. Took the kids out hiking again, with their uncle this time (uBPDx's teen brother). It was great to be outdoors on our Saturday adventure. Their mom called just as I was about to go out of cell range, so I pulled over so she could talk to the kids. She told the kids that she went running in the morning, and was going out running again. She's obsessed with being in shape now. Have to be, to keep a young guy on campus. It telegraphs her insecurity about him. She always said she felt so relaxed around me and that she could be herself (as opposed to... . ?). This attachment is firing on all pistons now. I'll just sit back and watch, and hopefully shield my daughter from developing a warped view of herself by mirroring her mom's. Such a shame. Such a waste of potential.

Turk,

Man, I know what your going through. My ex did the the same thing to me on FB, and it's funny how no one in her family or my family "liked" the posts. It was a bunch of enabler friends that she was NEVER really close to that gave her the validation of a "like".

It sucks Bc none of them really know what went on behind closed doors other than what they heard from the smear campaign meant for their survival.

Question.

Was it more of an embarrassing feeling, then a grief? Although, I believe I am still grieving, my experience with the outing of FB was more embarrassing for me Bc of our family being split apart and her to move on so quickly and on top of that profess her love to someone else so soon for all the world to see?

I still go back to what my P said a few days ago, she ain't done hurting me yet!

Scary

[Turkish]

"I can't help it... . "

This is what jumped out, that she's out of control.

It sounds like a game she's playing to make her actions seem legit.

Different day, same disorder. Sorry it affects you and your kids.

Maybe she is in love with him? Time will tell, and yes, that's her life to live.

Oh I have no doubt she's in love with him. She's found what she thinks is her "guru." A loaded r/s for sure, but it is what it is. Ours was loaded in a different way.

Thanks for your support everybody. Took the kids out hiking again, with their uncle this time (uBPDx's teen brother). It was great to be outdoors on our Saturday adventure. Their mom called just as I was about to go out of cell range, so I pulled over so she could talk to the kids. She told the kids that she went running in the morning, and was going out running again. She's obsessed with being in shape now. Have to be, to keep a young guy on campus. It telegraphs her insecurity about him. She always said she felt so relaxed around me and that she could be herself (as opposed to... . ?). This attachment is firing on all pistons now. I'll just sit back and watch, and hopefully shield my daughter from developing a warped view of herself by mirroring her mom's. Such a shame. Such a waste of potential.

Turk,

Man, I know what your going through. My ex did the the same thing to me on FB, and it's funny how no one in her family or my family "liked" the posts. It was a bunch of enabler friends that she was NEVER really close to that gave her the validation of a "like".

It's funny how they don't see that. I'd bet neither her family does either, nor her cousins. Whether they do or not isn't relevant to me anymore. The few obvious devaluing things she posted to slam me in a not so subtle way I saw before I blocked her? No likes. They just don't get it. Empathy doesn't just mean feeling someone's pain, it means being able to step outside yourself to imagine what someone else might feel about anything.

Question.

Was it more of an embarrassing feeling, then a grief?

It's embarrassment that my NSDD32 is broadcasting her dysfunction all over the internet.

Although, I believe I am still grieving, my experience with the outing of FB was more embarrassing for me Bc of our family being split apart and her to move on so quickly and on top of that profess her love to someone else so soon for all the world to see?

I still go back to what my P said a few days ago, she ain't done hurting me yet!

Scary

Legally... . alienation (though it sounds like you got a good handle on these things now), perhaps. Emotionally? That's us.

[Turkish]

From other more experienced members advise is given regarding part of your wellbeing

8 weeks out of the house after months of her living with me and all but throwing her r/s in my face, and neglecting the kids to spend time with him... .

However, as being a father too, I specially noticed your pain and the hurt she causes towards the kids.

Mine isn't a bad mom... . yet. The odd things she said to the kids I caught, and corrected (and she appreciated it, because she knows I'm better with them). The few losses of temper with them which were inappropriate I corrected as well. Of course she was dysregulating still being in my home. Now she is better. On the surface.

Anyway, in a better way that I did, using the tools, and considering your position as kids are much younger, it could be of any help to make her aware of her responsibilities.

Last.  As kids grow older, they become more an more love objects for her too. In black-white (auch…) mom stays 5, kids not… Kids outgrow her emotionally, so mom will with age frantic hold onto them by manipulating them. Seen it, had to stand up against it.   

I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. I told her that I knew how things would progress with her, and especially our son. I lived something like this childhood with my borderline borderline mom. I still go back and forth to myself on whether mom would qualify for a BPD dX. She certainly had several traits. They got worse due to her sabotaging our lives (living homeless, basically, for a few years) as well as I hitting adolescence and asserting myself as an independent person. Other than my pyro stage (experimentation, not destruction ;^), I wasn't a bad kid either. She forced me into therapy at 13, which was supposed to be family counseling, then abandoned me to it... . almost 30 years later, uBPDx did the same thing to me. Sent me there to fix me, when everyone who knows me, and my childhood, says I am surprisingly well adjusted.

So I expect the same behavior from her down the line in regards to the kids. She won't get what is happening. Being that I'm older, I might write instructions or a letter to the kids to be given to them by a trusted friend (who loves my kids, and he them) at some point then. They will have to reach some of their own conclusions first, as many children of BPD parents do who some to this board.

[goldylamont]

really sorry to hear you are at this stage Turkish. as you know i went through the same thing just 1 month after breaking up with ex of 4 yrs while we were still living together (in the same bed for that matter). we had 50 mutual fb friends, vast majority were mine b/c i had more friends than her. only 4 or 5 people knew we had actually split since it was so fresh and we still lived together. i had like 10 people emailing/calling asking what was going on while she was posting love notes to this new guy, changing r/s status, etc. so, i understand.

i would caution against taking things out on the new guy though. he doesn't know what's going on. and in fact he probably doesn't see himself as a home wrecker at all. he may be a really good person who feels that he's being supportive to a woman who is doing her best to separate from her abusive, neglectful ex-husband--in fact, i'm sure this is the story she's selling him. she will turn on his ass so fast though once her idealization is over. once he realizes how much electricity she uses

and it's a good thing that not too many people are enabling her, but this won't really stop her i don't think. not even on her radar. my ex and i had kind of become an item, so even friends of mine were supportive of her while she used the replacement, it hurt me like hell. you just have to wait it out.

[goldylamont]

I can tell you that when my ex uBPD starting dating her new boyfriend (who I believe she still is dating all these months later), it stung like a hornet to the head.  When her and I begun our relationship, she posted it on facebook for everyone to see which was cool, but it was weird that she never put any pics of us on her profile picture or cover photo.  Yet with this guy, she put three different photos of them together, gifts he bought for her, etc.  I never understood that, as it was almost like she was hiding me from the rest of her friends.  I was literally five times more attractive (not that it matters, and I know looks are definitely not everything), but it seemed like she was hiding me for some reason.  Then again, I was six hours away from her and we only shared three weekends together total.  We spoke everyday and all, but I think it goes back to that whole compartmentalizing thing.  I was not part of her social circle, and I think the guy she dated previous to me was dumped just a week or two before we started dating.  I truly think she did not want to give the rest of her facebook friends the impression that she was some kind of crazy rebound woman.  Also, she unfriended her previous BF not too long before she posted us in a relationship together.  He could only see her profile pics and cover photos; not timeline photos, and I think she did not want him to know we were dating just in case it did not work out.  She was Triangulation the relationship, you see.  And then, she triangulated the relationship between her new BF and me.  Only, she did not hide him from her profile pic because at that point, she knew that I already knew, so there was nothing to hide.  I also think some of the crappy stuff she pulled with me was due to the fact that I was not in her circle, so there was nothing for her to be held accountable for to her circle of friends.  This is an important point.  They will be on better behavior when they are aware that others are paying attention.  Their reputations are generally very important to them, and they do not like to taint that image.

rodman8 my guess is that your ex was still seeing her exbf if she was hiding your r/s from him. if she was completely done with him she would have been happy to smear their r/s with new pics of you in order to hurt him. if you guys had a long distant r/s then she had a lot of room to play. she would only have to lay low on social media in order to keep her ex (or other men/women) on a string believing whatever she told them. from what i've seen in these breakups, the pwBPD can't wait to brag about the new r/s unless it in some way will hinder other r/s that they are still keeping up with... .

[Turkish]

really sorry to hear you are at this stage Turkish. as you know i went through the same thing just 1 month after breaking up with ex of 4 yrs while we were still living together (in the same bed for that matter). we had 50 mutual fb friends, vast majority were mine b/c i had more friends than her. only 4 or 5 people knew we had actually split since it was so fresh and we still lived together. i had like 10 people emailing/calling asking what was going on while she was posting love notes to this new guy, changing r/s status, etc. so, i understand.

i would caution against taking things out on the new guy though. he doesn't know what's going on. and in fact he probably doesn't see himself as a home wrecker at all. he may be a really good person who feels that he's being supportive to a woman who is doing her best to separate from her abusive, neglectful ex-husband--in fact, i'm sure this is the story she's selling him. she will turn on his ass so fast though once her idealization is over. once he realizes how much electricity she uses

I think some of this is true, but he telegraphs his love addiction so obviously, and the faux (in my view) religiosity, that I think there is something "off" about him. I also heard 3rd hand info from someone downtown who likely worked with him as a bouncer that the others thought he was a fake tough guy. Again, passing himself off as something he is not. Add to that the childish nickname he goes by (shame of your origins? He's adopted like me, and there almost never aren't some issues with that, depending upon the story), and I don't think this guy is a typical White Knight. There's something just not right here. She's attracted to narcs, like her previous BFs (the last one most likely an NPD, based upon how that played out, and confirmed by a love letter he wrote to her that I found going through her stuff after she moved out... . a master manipulator he was!). I could be way off base on this, but I don't think I'm that far off. I trust her to watch him around the kids, as she has yet to paint me black as a father (she can't... . I enable her!). She wrote back in Sept, after they just started getting physical (no sex yet, I think... . I know how she is), only weeks after she broke up with me, that she wanted to be with him forever. If he bought into that, then he may be just as sick as she is. Or manipulating. Or a mixture thereof. I think she's accelerating the attachment now, and therefore the timeline of the r/s, having just abandoned and given up "everything she's ever wanted," which she will never have again with anyone. Kids, home, stability. She's half abandoned the first, fully the second (we live in a high cost area, no way they can afford a home unless his parents are rich), and the third? Well, we all know about BPD.

[goldylamont]

yeah, damn Turkish. so i will say in my case about my immediate replacement--he wasn't impressive *at-all*. and this is true. but i am *so* happy that it turned out this way because it was easier for me to see the total BS of the situation. the guy was just weird, i met him once when she moved out... . not trying to be rude but he wasn't close to "my level". before i start sounding too egotistical here i have to say that i was just lucky in this regard, it's not because i'm so great that no man could replace me, there's plenty of solid guys on 'my level' that i'm sure she could have fooled--but just not as fast as she did. and these types of men (like me) aren't so easily controlled. the guy she dumped replacement #1 for (after blatantly flirting at a bar) actually seemed like a stand-up guy from what i heard, talented, pretty good looking, confident... . they never got serious though.

i'm saying all of this though to say that even though the guy after me was kind of a scruffy puppy, i still don't really hold him accountable for things. i'm sure my ex painted a crazy picture of me an our r/s to him and he probably felt like he lucked out and found the most beautiful woman who just needed to be treated right. ooh, he would *never* treat her like I did! hah, sucker. that r/s lasted 4 months (in contrast to our 4 yrs) and as things played out i could see it was just as much about revenge on me as it was her self-soothing 'love' for him. you're right about how fast the r/s is accelerating too--as fast as it starts will be as fast as it ends. i'd just not hold judgement on the guy... . i of course know less than you, but would a narc who was young and in college go for a married woman with a family? she's probably playing up the religious aspect of things and he thinks he's met the best person in the world. i feel like perhaps there is some residual concern left over from your ex and her previous r/s with a narcissistic type guy. is this possible? overall though i think the strongest case for why she chose to be with this person is simply because he was ready and willing. honestly, that's all it takes... . not much else. and, think about how this guy is going to feel when your ex starts bringing up her narc ex from the past for comparison, and you for comparison... . just a matter of time

[rodman8]

Yea goldylamont, the guy she started dating right after me (and currently still is from what I know) was nothing impressive at all.  She told me in a very non-bragging way that he was not the hottest guy, but just a genuinely nice guy.  She told me numerous times how nice he is.  She also told me how wonderful I am as well.  The one distinction she did make was that he is extremely laid back.  I am kind of intense to tell you the truth, and she told me she thinks that is why they have lasted longer.  She is intense as well, so maybe we were just too dramatic and emotional for one another.  He is apparently also a great father, and it could be that he acts as sort of a father figure to her, and can maybe keep her in line a bit better than I since he has three kids (10, 13, and 15 I think).  Let's face it, BPD's are like children anyway, so this may work for her. I can tell you this though.  It seriously bothers me that they have lasted now around nine months.  I realize he is closer to her in proximity, and long distance played a big role in our breaking up as soon as we did.  However, it really irks me that this very unspectacular guy is having sex with her far more than I ever was able to.  And everybody that has seen pics of us tells me that we were such a better match than this dude.  Well, anyway, I am not going to lie that this is one of the things that I obsess about the most.  I have dated, but I have not found anyone as alluring as her; not even close.  I feel like it is my turn already, you know?  It's kind of like insult to injury.  Oh well, just thinking out loud.

[arielleis]

Ahhhhh the joys of Facebook post breakup with a BPD.

I gotta say, these nut cases already have so many ___toys in their arsenal... . Facebook (Fakebook?) must be hands down one of their favorite-

I think it's important and mandatory that we don't snoop on their social activity... . I learned it the hard way.

After I broke up with mine and she tried for two weeks to reel me back in (I had already deleted her from Fb), she wrote me saying that she had found someone else and was extremelly happy with him (she was professing her love to me the day before... . ).

We were no longer friends on Fb... but I suspected her to WANT to let me know who it was. She used to be very private on Fb and SUDDENLY, all pictures with my replacement were public, so anyone could see them, even those who were not friends with her. That's when I tried a little ___ test (which in hindsight I was "kinda" playing the same game as her, I have to admit) I blocked her completely so she couldn't ever find me. AND YES, you guessed it right, she removed her relationship status and the pictures with him. A month post break-up, when I unblocked her (still not friends though) YES, she put them back... .

You get my point. Facebook is a load of crap for these people. Let them be. Let them do their own crap. Don't get involved. I was never tempted to snoop ever again, god knows what I would find and I don't want this to interfere with my healing.

Remember, it's all lies. A friend of mine once said "never fight with a pig, because no matter what, you will get dirty and the pig will like it"... .

In the meantime, I got a text from a friend who knows her a bit saying that she continued to post pictures of herself during our trips to NY and Miami (without me on it I'd guess), changing her profile pic to when she was in NY etc... . First I told him NOT to keep him updated. My hunch being, she is trying to send those "___ signals"... . all bullocks. My other hunch is I think to tell the other guy "hey, my ex used to take me to all those places". It's all manipulation. And to me a testament that they will keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again.

All lies people.

[rodman8]

You speak the truth, my man.  Yet, for some reason, it is so powerful!  What is it about facebook?  You know what I mean?  She unfriended me in mid-June and it hurt soo bad.  When she blocked me from facebook last week, it hurt soo bad.  Why?  Why does it hurt soo bad?  It is just a fake persona they are trying to relay to the world, and yet it holds so much weight to me for some reason.  I wish I could explain it, because I am not gong to lie that this facebook stuff I have mentioed has hurt my ego more than anything else she has done.  I feel like such a sap and a little kid.  Man oh man.

[arielleis]

My man, like I said earlier, don't try to look at it from a "healthy lens" or you will drive yourself nuts. Apples and Oranges. Your brain is wired in a normal fashion. Theirs aren't. What can we do? Well... . accept.

The more you read stories, the more you realize that they ALL ALL ALL operate the same way. As if they were all programmed somewhere in a plant then sent out across the 4 corners of the world to prey on people like us.

My advice, educate yourself, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I learned it the hard way. And I don't mean to come across as some sort of effin BPD Messiah or what have you. Man, I am still hurt and I still think about it, but all of our stories remind me that they are cut from the same cloth AND THAT helps me not pay much attention at the end of the day, and the hurt stops. BUT for it to stop, you have to go NC. I know you cant ignore the fact she tossed you and blocked you and all that. I know that's a hard pill to swallow, but again... . they don't think normally so at the end of the day, don't beat yourself up.

Get an outlet, get a new hobby, break the routine, do something new, invest in yourself. If you always wanted to learn some remote indian dialect or astronomy, now is the time to do it. Try martial arts, release the anger, find what's best for you. This is an amazing time, I think, for you to build yourself a new skin. It worked for me, it worked for a friend who kinda went through the same thing-

[rodman8]

Believe me, I have read up on BPD since last May, and feel I am an armchair expert at this point... . .  The hard part is exactly what you mentioned... . thay are not wired the same way.  It's weird because it seems so harsh, and yet maybe to them it is the same as us saying "You upset me today."  Obviously, if someone upsets us it will in time pass and is no big deal.  I think for them, everything is so much more dramatic, and I guess we just have to laugh.  Another way to look at it is if we met absolutely nothing to them, then they would not go to such a far extent to hurt us.  So, that is there was of showing us we did effect them and they are thinking of us in their warped way. 

[Turkish]

Believe me, I have read up on BPD since last May, and feel I am an armchair expert at this point... . .  The hard part is exactly what you mentioned... . thay are not wired the same way.  It's weird because it seems so harsh, and yet maybe to them it is the same as us saying "You upset me today."  Obviously, if someone upsets us it will in time pass and is no big deal.  I think for them, everything is so much more dramatic, and I guess we just have to laugh.  Another way to look at it is if we met absolutely nothing to them, then they would not go to such a far extent to hurt us.  So, that is there was of showing us we did effect them and they are thinking of us in their warped way. 

There is a movement to rename BPD to ERD, emotional regulation disorder. pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, they just feel them more intensely, and often can't control them. Thus, love bombing, inappropriate and intense anger, as well as sadness. Mine often said she couldn't control her emotions and hated herself for the way she acted around me and the kids sometimes (there is the shame). The moments of lucidity were there, and at the end, she said she knew she was sick and that is why she had to leave, to stop making me miserable, which she certainly was. Remove the trigger (us), but the loaded gun is still there, awaiting another... .