Buried

[coraliesolange]

My dad died a few weeks ago and afterwards my crazy mom started acting even crazier, if that's possible.  She started screaming at me and my sister the very night he died as we sat quietly watching television, she threw temper tantrums every time she caught us working on his obituary... . I had an entire week of work and not a moment of peace for myself.  I can now pretty clearly see that my feelings are all buried in a pit.  I start to think about my dad and feel a little upset and then it's just gone. Like magic.  I have been abused that I can just wipe out vast swaths of myself to avoid having to deal with them, because it's never dealing with my issues, it's always got to be about hers.  I'm really afraid that a few weeks or even months down the road it's finally going to bubble over and I'm just going to lose it.  I mean time off work breakdown lose it because I didn't get my chance to feel feelings when I needed to.  How can someone be so selfish to take away their child's time to grieve?  Ugh. 

[supergirl2]

She can't regulate herself or stand her own emotions and in turn that makes her emotions everyone else's unavoidable priority that they must deal with against their will prior to dealing with their own. I would try to stay away from her as much as you possibly can during this time so you can deal with your own grief, as you have the right to do. It's been my experience that people with BPD "erase" those around them. They have no sense of self and they steal and impose upon your own with their's. People around them in a sense become emotionally invisible to the BPD person and to themselves as well, forced to wear, deal with, and address the emotions and internal character of the BPD person instead. People around them literally disappear though they're physically here and functioning.

[rebl.brown]

Thanks for sharing, sorry about your situation.  Use other people to help with your grief, there are support groups etc that you can lean on and you're right, if you push it aside it will come back to bite you.  You've also got the grief of a mom you can't deal with, ugh, so so sorry, keep at it, you can get through this and maybe it will help you deal with her in the end.

Supergirl, that was the best description of dealing with a BPD parent I have ever heard.  Erase other people, that's exactly what they do exactly.  Whew, both of you helped me today thanks

Reb.

[coraliesolange]

I have been staying away from my family completely.  I should and normally would feel guilty because my little sister is there in a bad situation but that feeling seems to be repressed as well.  I was LC with my entire family for 7 years. I moved to another state to get away from her.  I'm sad to say that the last month of my dad's life I was more upset about having to see her every day than I was about his situation.  Maybe part of me feels happy for him even because he was abused too and now he' free.  Ugh.

You're right that we were erased.  Our feelings didn't matter.  All that matters is whether she gets what she wants, and if you can help get it for her then she'll use you and if not you had better get out of the way.

I've had a few weeks of quiet time and now that I'm finally starting to calm down about her my dad has started entering my thoughts more.  He jumps in then disappears just as quickly.  One of these days he's gonna stay and it's gonna ruin me the way it should have ruined me 3 weeks ago when I had time off work so I could deal with it.  I hadn't even thought of grief groups.  Because it isn't about me, right?  That's why I'm here instead of there.  Oh my god that's eye opening.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, coraliesolange,

I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing. It sounds like a very stressful time for you.   

A lot of us have learned to repress our own emotions. That is how we survived a childhood with a parent who had overwhelming emotional needs. We needed to put our own feelings aside because it wasn't safe to share them honestly. When we become adults, it can be difficult to learn to get in touch with our feelings, which is an important part of Remembering (look at the Survivor's Guide--->. While we didn't have a choice about the abuse we suffered as kids, and we developed understandable coping mechanisms as a result, now that we are grown we do have a choice. We can start to challenge the patterns ingrained in us and learn new tools. Working with a therapist can really help.

How can someone be so selfish to take away their child's time to grieve?  Ugh. 

It sounds like you would like your mother to have some empathy for what you are feeling, maybe comfort you and let you grieve. There is nothing wrong with needing understanding and comfort at a time like this. Do you think your mother is capable of seeing and meeting your needs? Is this something she knows how to do?

The thing about grief is, everyone does it differently and at their own time, and the process isn't always completely linear. Right now maybe you are still experiencing some denial about the loss of your father (Stage 1 of the Kubler-Ross model). A lot of people feel kind of numb during this stage. I honestly think it is a pretty common response. So is anger (Stage 2). Right now your anger seems primarily directed at your mother, which may feel comfortable to you. You also seem a little angry at yourself for not having the emotions you think you should be having at the time you think you should be having them.

You seem concerned that you might have an uncontrollable flood of emotions at some unpredictable and inconvenient point in the future. That is certainly a possibility. You seem anxious about it, and that's ok. Sometimes it helps to examine our fears and make a plan for those situations we are anxious about. What if you do burst into tears at work one day? What bad things will happen--will you really be "ruined" if you have feelings? What can you do to take care of yourself if you suddenly feel sad? I'll bet you can find a way to give yourself the care and compassion you need.

I think rebl.brown had a good suggestion about support groups. Grief counseling (either individual or group) can be really helpful at a time like this. It can even help just to talk about it with other people who have lost a parent. Hearing what other people experienced can feel validating. Maybe you even have a colleague or two at work who has been through this; perhaps they'd even have a referral to a good grief counselor. It's something to think about.

Wishing you peace,

PF