mother uBPD- total family chaos, please help and does this sound familiar?

[supergirl2]

I'm open to any advice people may have to offer and I'm also looking to see if others have experienced a similar scenario. It helps to know that I'm not alone, and to be able to understand what's going on. Anyone who wants to analyze this, tell me what you think is going through mother/sister's head and provide insight would really help me right now.My family is in total meltdown and I'm very sad about it and simultaneously trying to dodge the flying bullets.

I live with my uBPD mom and my dad who has asbergers so it's hard for him to grasp any of the emotional manipulation that takes place. My older sister is married and moved out with 2 young children.

2 weeks ago, my sister announced that she was coming to visit this weekend without asking IF she can come visit. I'm undergoing aggressive medical treatment and didn't feel well enough to have her and her two young children who can be quite loud stay for 2 days. She planned to come right at the end of this cycle of treatment, which is the hardest part for me. I told my sister and my parents that I didn't think I'd be able to have them stay here during that time.

When I told my uBPD mom this, she freaked out. She told me I was being selfish and that I see the whole world as evil, including my mom, because I had wondered if my sister was using us as a convenient hotel as her visit to our place was a stop over on a trip she was continuing on for the week. In the 2 years I've been severely ill and nearly died from it, my sister has very rarely if ever called me just to ask how I'm feeling or how I'm doing. She always gets the info through my mom and expects my mom to provide it. It's normal based on her behavior which is a lack of showing care to think that she's not visiting for our sake but rather a personal convenience. But my uBPD mom was cruel when I said my sister couldn't stay BECAUSE I'M SICK. Suddenly she's telling me I hate the world, I see everyone as evil including my mom, I'm selfish and want everything my way... . none of it is true and it really hurts me for my own mother to be so mean, especially when I haven't done anything wrong. This is such a constant theme, having my character attacked by her when I've done nothing wrong.

A few days later, I talked to my sister for half an hour and told her I didn't think the visit at our place was going to happen, that we'd play it by ear and I would let her know the day before yes or no. She told me she had a plan B place to stay just in-case but it wasn't her top choice. Come Thursday, I was really sick and I knew I wouldn't be able to have the kids stay. I called my sister 3 times with no answer and left a voice mail asking her to call me back about her visit. I never heard back. I tell my parents that night that I won't be able to tolerate the visit. I get up the following morning a bit late and my dad tells me that he spoke with my sister and she's coming to stay at our place because she didn't agree with staying somewhere else. I'm really upset because they're basically letting her do whatever she wants at the expense of my health and well being. My dad has asbergers and he's impossible to coach through things like this so I go downstairs and ask my mom if she'll do something about this and fix it, talk to my dad, something. She gets really mad at me and starts yelling at me to go to talk to my dad, she's not helping anyone. I then go to my dad and tell him to fix this and he begrudgingly agrees and I keep saying I need someone to stand up for me because I don't have the energy or health to fight this battle. My mom just doesn't care, (note: she HATES my dad yet stays married to him.) and she tells me not to come to her about any of this, I'm on my own, and is mad at me for even asking her to help. I keep asking her why she doesn't care and I get no answer except being attacked. At this point I'm in tears because my own mother doesn't care about me, particularly when I'm in a weakened state. I feel like I'm being walked on and torn down, my dad is in the other room messing with his facebook or whatever, doing nothing, and my mom is attacking me while telling me to get help from my dad who she knows is useless in this situation. She's willing to sacrifice me to not have to deal with my dad or put any effort into anyone.

I take the advice of my parents' therapist who spoke with me in the past and I tell my mom how she is making me feel. I'm crying almost inconsolably while I'm hooking up my IV zofran for nausea because my treatment makes me so sick and my mom is still verbally attacking me at the same time. I keep telling her "you're making me feel bad." and her response is "well, I'm sad too! I feel bad too!" This breaks my heart to hear and reinforces to me that she absolutely doesn't care. She only cares about herself. She won't even comfort me, she just tells me the above when I say that I'm suffering. She's so selfish.

My dad then says that my sister has announced that she's arrived and they are to meet her at a restaurant for lunch. Parents take off and I continue to cry for a good 20 minutes. They come home a few hours later and my dad says it didn't go well. They ate a whole lunch together and then at the end told my sister she wouldn't be able to stay at our house, BUT, that my dad would (graciously) PAY FOR A HOTEL FOR TWO NIGHTS for my sister and the kids to stay at while they're in town. I'm not sure if my sister knows this, but the intention was for her to stay at the hotel, but for the parents to keep the planned all day time out and about together the same, she just wouldn't be staying at our house to sleep. My sister first flat out insisted that she would be staying at our place, and when my dad said no, she badmouthed me that I basically need to suck it up with my health and that it's not that bad (this is so cold and horrible to say, I can't even... ), and when my parents wouldn't give in, she immediately left with her kids, while very upset. She won't answer my parent's calls all day. My parents send an email reiterating that the hotel plan is only for sleeping situations, they still want to see her and the kids during the daytime while out somewhere.

My uBPD mom now assumes she is estranged from my sister and her grandchildren as this was the case for 7 months last year after a different fight. She spends the evening shooting darts at anyone that is within firing range. She makes a lot of off the wall comments to me in the way that she has done since I was little. "well, I'm of no use to anyone." "I'm not worth anything." "I'm just trash anyway." "I'm a horrible evil person." You get the point. She puts herself down for irrational reasons but at the same time they're directed to hurt everyone else even though they're about her. You have to be there to understand. She says it with a lot of anger and the anger is directed at the other person, almost as though YOU'RE telling her this about herself even though you're not.

Fast forward to today, the following day, and my dad finally gets a hold of my sister on the phone. They talk/fight and my sister tells my parents that they don't love her, they've never loved her, and they don't love her grandchildren. She refuses to meet up with them. My uBPD mom goes into meltdown with a lot of crying and all day has been repeating the behavior I described from the night prior. I know she now believes she is estranged from her grandchildren and her daughter yet again.

Last time they were estranged for 7 months, my uBPD mom lost her MIND. She took out her anger on me, physicially barricaded me in my bedroom for an absurd reason which left me with sore muscles from trying to keep her from closing the door on my body and let me through/escape, she had multiple times where she left the house unannounced late at night and wandered the neighborhood crying and holding a roll of toilet paper for hours at a time. I know for a fact she recalls these episodes because she has slipped up on details she remembers from the neighborhood areas she walked, but claims she doesn't remember physically barricading me in my room because she had wanted to fight with me about EATING MORE VEGETABLES, which occurred within days of the wandering off episodes. She also had screaming episodes during this estrangement where she would scream at the top of her lungs, literally screaming bloody murder for 5-15 minutes and babbling incoherently about everything bad that has ever happened to her. She did the screaming episodes and the physical barricading when my dad was gone, and she often emotionally manipulates and emotionally hurts me when my dad is gone or when he has left the room. She rarely does the worst of it in front of him, and when she does, it flies right over his head because he has asbergers. She knows he doesn't get it.

So this is where things are at. I'm scared of what's going to happen now. I'm afraid events are going to repeat themselves. I feel very alone and very sad that my mom doesn't seem to care about me and that my family is in pieces. I'm fighting for my life physically... . all of this put together, I feel very alone and scared and sad and there is no foundation to support me. Everything that had been there, my family, my health, my mom being the person I thought she was, it's all gone and it's very sad and very hard to deal with.

My mom told me yesterday that she has nothing "left to give." And that she's "empty" inside because everybody has taken from her. I just don't know anymore what to think. What I do know is that it helps me a great deal to understand what's happening and why, so at least the craziness can make sense... . because you know it doesn't, it's not right at all. If anyone has read all of this and wants to analyze it or give advice in any way, please do. I have also set up an appointment for next week to see a therapist for myself to help me through dealing with my family. I'm hoping they can help me understand my family and how it has and does work. Next weeks appointment is an initial screening appointment and then they send you to someone they feel is a best fit. I know the home situation will likely get so much worse between then and now. My dad is sane but has a handicap in the form of asbergers so combined with my mom, I'm in a sea of abnormal that I can't escape and it's really tough.

[supergirl2]

I forgot a detail in here. During the episodes where she would wander off in the middle of the night, she wrote with dirt clods on our sidewalk all the bad things that had happened to her, and had been sitting on the ground against the neighbor's garage across the street at 1am, listening while I called out the window for her, told her I was going to call the police if she didn't come home soon, and while my dad drove around the neighborhood looking for her.

And yesterday, while I was telling her that I accept my dad as he is because he has a handicap in the form of asbergers and I accomodate that, she was all crying and saying "Well I have a handicap too! An emotional handicap!" So she obviously knows something isn't right with herself. I should have asked her what that is but I didn't. For all I know she could have been referring to herself feeling emotionally worn out and "empty."

[tryintogetby]

Ok, this definitely does sound familiar--do you have anyone else you can turn to, any other relationships?

(I feel dumb even ASKING that, because the answer for most disordered families is "no."  We live in complete isolation half the time.)

What about your doctors?  Do you trust any of them enough to explain what's going on, & see if there's any help available?  BPDs, in my experience, at least try to act normal when other people are around, so I was wondering if you could get some peace by having a caregiver come over to help you. 

Do you have any financial resources to get out of their house?  Workplacelikehome.com has legit work-at-home companies, and I worked one of them for nearly a decade.  (Liveops.com). You can set up a bank account online, have your checks directly deposited, & start building an escape fund for yourself. 

This. Is. Intolerable.  You can't live like this.  But you knew that already. <3 my husband has mild Asperger's, so I know what it's like trying to communicate emotional truths to people who can't process emotions well. I just wish you all the health & blessings in the world, & will pray for wisdom & an escape route for you.

[Cassy]

Who owns the home you're living in? It seems to me whoever owns the house can invite whoever they want.

You mentioned your father's Asperger's many times in that one post, then again in the subsequent post. I'm not sure why, perhaps you have some hidden resentment towards him? Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with all of this?

It's a difficult position for any parent, BPD or not to have to choose between children. It sounds like your sister might have valid reasons for feeling unloved if she can't even visit her parents at their home (more so if they own that home). I would certainly take that personally. If you have a bedroom, can't you stay in there when you're feeling tired? Lots of families accommodate a handicapped, elderly or disabled person in their home - some have hospital beds and equipment set up right in their living rooms, yet still manage to function as a family. Perhaps you can find some amicable way to include your sibling and her children back into the family.

[Valley Quail]

Dear supergirl2,


       I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I can imagine that the challenge to overcome the illness feels like more than enough on your plate on it's own, without the added family stress. I'm so sorry.


      There are SO many similarities between your mother's behavior and my mother's. You are not alone. I understand and my heart goes out to you.


      If possible, it would be great to mention during the therapist intake that you're going to be going to (great job by the way!)... . that you would like to have a therapist who is very familiar with BPD. This will save you precious time (and money) so that you're not using traditional methods that just aren't effective when dealing with this disorder.

     Also, the idea that tryin2getby mentioned about working from home to save up resources for yourself sounds like it could be worth looking into as well. 


     I'm so sorry for the pain that has been caused. You are not alone. I can really relate and I care.

[supergirl2]

Thank you all for the replies. It's comforting to know that others understand and that I'm not alone in this. I did go and see a therapist, but I don't think it was a good fit. She didn't have much gusto or enthusiasm and she didn't have much to say. When I asked her if she had a lot of experience with BPD and how it affects families, all she said was that she had been doing this a long time. She just seemed un-enthused, possibly bored or jaded with her job, I don't know. So I guess I'll be searching for someone else. My goal is to understand my mom's actions and behaviors throughout my childhood that were/are abnormal, and understand how that may have affected me. I don't want to live my life with the shadow of her negatively influencing actions on me... . I want to live as me. I also have an intense desire to know what was normal and what wasn't. I have no known standard of what normal is to gauge anything off of, just this dysfunctional family I've grown up in and a feeling that the things that happen and have happened aren't right. Having always been the scapegoat even while simultaneously being the golden-child in my early years, I don't know what it's like to have people easily and openly pay me compliments or be nice to me by spoken word. My best friend is the most amazing person and has gotten me used to this, however it still makes me feel slightly uncomfortable to be loved right and have that expressed to me. It actually almost shocks me (even though it's wonderful to hear) when he loves me respectfully, allowing me to have my own differing opinion at the same time as expressing care. I have such little exposure to that type of thing. Though I'm an open and loving person, I have a hard time letting others get emotionally close to me because I'm so used to having my uBPD mom hurt me when she's close to me and not let me have my own opinions. The only association of close I have is close=you will be hurt. Because of this, when I get into relationships, even when the person is AMAZING as I have going on right now, I start to feel anxious and trapped at the very first "let's be exclusive" notion. EVEN WHEN it's the fantastic relationship I want, that feeling starts. It's the very thing I want and yet I begin to feel like I'm getting stuck into a web I won't want to be in with demands on me. My uBPD mom has treated me and spoken of me as though she OWNS ME, and my emotions have been that which she exerted the most ensnaring. I'm near certain that's where this feeling comes from, from her doing, because while others won't do this to you and many respectfully love with boundaries and care, this type of "uncomfortable love" is the type I've known the longest and it's been taught to me by association that that's what to expect. It sucks and I want to shed these entrapments she has placed upon me.

Cassy, I think you may not understand, expectedly because I haven't explained the entire situation and all that's going on and has preceded this particular incident and my current living situation. I became sick while at college and before I knew it I had lost nearly all function. I couldn't walk, couldn't eat, I lost most of my vision, developed seizures and more. School of course ceased and I returned home, which was still my home and still is, though I was at college. The place where my home is never changed even though I went away to college. It is where I left my heart, my room, my belongings etc. and returned on breaks and summer. I'm not a guest, I am my parent's daughter, living in the only home I know. And fighting for my life before ever finishing college. My sister is much older than me and moved out 9 years ago. I am so sick and my health is so fragile that this isn't the type of thing where I can just stay in my room and be ok. This can be hard for people who haven't lived it to understand; when you're extremely ill, anything going on can be too much, even when it's just in the other room, and in my case it's also a very serious threat to my immune system and health to mix stress or children with the end of a treatment cycle. I am teetering on staying alive here and that's what's so frustrating, my sister doesn't/didn't pay attention to this very valid need and she's never asked *if* she could stay in a home that isn't her's anymore. It's not a matter of me sucking it up or making it work, the science of health doesn't bend to that. I have one job only and that is to survive so I can live. I mention my dad has asbergers because I'm pointing out that all the things she does that are emotionally manipulative fly right over his head because of his condition, as well as the issue that she knows he cannot navigate or understand emotional and heated situations such as the events with my sister, yet she points me toward him to have him solve it. She knows he's incapable, and remains unwilling to help me. It's the equivalent of her throwing me a life raft with 20 holes in it when she's on the boat, and refusing to row her way over to me and yelling "get in the busted life raft that won't do you any good!" and sailing off.

[Cassy]

You're hooking up your own IV zofran for nausea at home? Where do you live?

[supergirl2]

Cassy, it is beyond my understanding why you believe it is your place to question what I'm going through, on a forum for support? Correct me if I'm wrong. Accusing my future posts on my other thread to be about any possible scenario you might depict, is offending and makes me feel bad. I came to this forum for support.

I'm on iv zofran because my nausea is constant and iv works better than oral. Iv doses are every 8 hours for me to cover it and not be throwing up and unable to eat or drink. I have a port surgically implanted in my chest which provides iv access at any time, (thankfully) allowing me to do iv zofran at home.

[lever.]

I am sorry that you are so physically unwell but I do have to say that I feel rather sorry for your mother. Although this is your home it is,in fact your parents house and you and your sister have an equal right to be there.

It is not your place to tell your sister that she can't visit.

Having said that your sister was very ungracious to reject your father's offer of a hotel room. Your Mum clearly does have her difficulties but she is probably very upset at the prospect of loosing contact with her grandchildren again. Could the medical or social care staff you are in contact with help you to find other accommodation?

Would this be possible for you. Family relationships sound strained and you may be better in a more relaxed environment.

Your Mum has BPD, she is also human. One daughter is seriously ill and blames her for it. Her other daughter sounds inflexible and inconsiderate and her husband emotionally unavailable. No wonder her symptoms are escalating.

This sounds horrible for all of you. I wish you all the best with your health. This is meant as support not criticism, just another eye on the situation

[supergirl2]

Thank you, lever. I hear where you're coming from. I'd be much more compassionate if my mom would out effort... ANY effort into helping herself in her own life or in getting along with others. This is what's so maddening, she has completely given up on herself, her life, and how her actions affect others. She refuses to go to therapy or get any kind of help, and then everyone around her is left suffering while she simultaneously places the blame on us. Additionally, I've never received an apology from her for any of her behavior, including making me so sick. I don't think it's possible, not by anyone's fault, to understand the superhuman strength it would take for me not to be angry over what she's done to me by making me ill, the surgeries, er stays, hospitalizations, unbelievably difficult treatment and lifelong effects. I have a 20% chance of survival. That is a huge deal, and any type of forgiveness would at the very least need to begin with a sincere apology and for her to stop berating me for being sick (she does this a lot. When treatment fails, she blames me that I must not be trying hard enough.) She's extricated herself from being a mother as well as just a supportive person as anyone should be in this type of situation. The trouble with me saying my sister can't come over is because I didn't have a choice. Health is a matter that acts on it's own and no one can control it. It doesn't respond to what you want or willpower, it just is. I tried my best to avoid all of this before it happened, I even asked my sister if she could come a few days early or a few days later, either of which likely would have been fine and she wouldn't.

It's all blown over now, the struggle is that I know there will be another fight another time over something else. I'll be out of here whenever I get better, it just might be a while. 10 months or so although the timespan is yet to be seen. I'll be extremely happy when I can finally be away from all the chaos functioning of my own accord and my own fuel, finishing school etc.

Trust me, I'm out of here if/when I get better.

[lever.]

I do hope things go well with your health difficulties and you are able to achieve this in the longer term. It must be very difficult that your mother is stuck in her own issues and unable to support you at this difficult time

[Valley Quail]

Dear supergirl2,


I support you and your understandable feelings wholeheartedly. Some may take up a certain stance based on whose house it is, or that each sister has an equal right to be there. But the fact remains that in a healthy environment, a person going through cancer treatment would be treated with respect (and even extra care and respect.)


That means that if the sister of the person going through cancer treatments has zero regard and lets her kids complicate the issue, the family would not allow that. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and to be in a healthy environment and I honor the grieving that you must be going through.  To think that you can't even fight for your life without being pushed down by the very people you need the most, is beyond imaginable for most people.

Your rights and needs are valid and most people going through this would not be treated like that by their family. And you have every right to notice that it's not the norm and to grieve and express the pain.

You have the right to be treated with respect, to be in a healthy environment and to have your needs as you fight for your life put first. I'm sorry none of that is happening. I care deeply and my heart goes out to you. I support you and your understandable feelings wholeheartedly. I believe in you and I'm on your side.

xo-VQ

[P.F.Change]

Dear supergirl2,

It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. It hurts when our needs go unmet. Sometimes others aren't able to care for us the way we want, and we must look for other ways to meet our needs.

I'm really upset because they're basically letting her do whatever she wants at the expense of my health and well being.

... .

She only cares about herself. She won't even comfort me, she just tells me the above when I say that I'm suffering. She's so selfish.

supergirl2, if your mother has BPD, she is "emotionally handicapped" the way she says. That doesn't absolve her of hurtful behaviors, it just means she is not going to be able to care about other people's feelings when she is feeling overwhelmed by her own. She doesn't seem to have the skills to manage that at present.

I feel like you're trying to get milk out of a rock here. You are hungry for validation, support, and to have your needs cared for. These are basic needs and we all have them. Most parents instinctively provide this kind of emotional nourishment to their children. Children instinctively expect their parent to be able to provide that comfort. Parents with BPD aren't able to offer this kind of support consistently, even if they want to--they are emotionally malnourished themselves. I imagine a parent with Asperger's might have trouble understanding his child's emotional needs, too.

So, if a parent isn't capable of meeting a child's emotional needs, what then? Once the child grows up, he can look for other ways to get his needs met. Going to therapy is a great place to start, and I'm glad you are taking steps to get that support for yourself. Many of us have had to learn to parent ourselves emotionally, to give ourselves love and compassion, to recognize and meet our own needs.

It may be ok to point out to her that something she has done has hurt you, however it is not likely to elicit remorse or understanding from her. It is more likely she will feel defensive as she has in the past. It may be more helpful to think about your boundaries and how to take care of your feelings yourself. Using validation in your communication with your mother may help. I like TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, though there are other ways to do it. This workshop has some good tips, too:Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Have you had any luck finding another therapist?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[sandraD]

Dear Supergirl2,

I totally know what you are going through because your mother sounds just like mine.  Her behaviors sound just the same way.  What I would advise is that you go and talk to a counselor and see if they can arrange placement in another apartment or with another relative that you could live with.  Your mother and dad are just not going to be able to be of any support for you at this difficult time in your life with your illness.  You can even go to your local Human Resources department and they can direct you to services in finding housing and providing the assistance that you need.  They can provide utility and food assistance too.   Do you have any close relative or even if they are not close in distance that you can confide in and tell them what is going on and maybe go stay with them until you are strong and healthy?  If there are no relatives then contact Health and Human Services and ask them to put you in contact with providers for housing for special health needs and they will do it.  You are in great need of a quiet and peaceful place to live where you do not have to deal with the craziness and if you reach out to people, they can help you.  Even if you contact a therapist by phone or call the Health and Human Services, you need to do that right away so that they can get you into a better more secure place.  I am praying for you that you will find peace and blessings in your life and that all of this turmoil will end and you will be happy and healthy.  God Bless you! 

[veronica lodge]

Hi Supergirl2, I just read your post and I am really sorry to hear about your treatment and how you are feeling.  I think things may have been different if your sister wanted to visit to actually see YOU and spend time with you.  The fact that she was stopping over and not coming to actually spend time with you while you are going through treatment is a valid reason for you to feel they way you are feeling.  My father went through aggressive treatment for 18 months and we cherished every moment with him and did everything that we could to support him.  He is good now.  I really feel for your and I can totally understand how you are feeling.